My 2 cents' worth

Manual Labour

2009-06-27T01:04:00.002+08:00

In Wine-bottle Opening, I wrote about the story of the man straining against the rock. It was a test by God to help the man grow stronger.

Here in OC, we have to carry furniture-tables, chairs, armchairs, patio umbrellas etc every week, heavy trays, buckets of ice, racks of glasses etc every day and walk to and fro plenty every day. This job builds and tones our muscles. As Mel said earlier, she's "going to be buff" by the end of our time here and now, she said she's got "calves of steel". Haha. We are building calves of steel AND arms of steel here.

About 2 weeks after I came here, I'd to carry the entire tray of bud vases ie. an entire tray of glass flower vases with flowers and water in them, from the Grill to upstairs. Then, I had to get help from one of the kitchen staff to help me carry those bud vases. Wed-24/6, I had to do that again. I got a co-worker to help me. Yesterday, Thur-25/6, there was no one to help me so I tried lifting the tray myself. To my surprise, I was able to do it and bring the entire tray upstairs. I had been building my muscles for the past weeks and I did not realize I'd grown stronger. Had I known, I need not have gotten my co-worker to help me with the bud vases on Wed. I am reminded of the story of that man who pushed against the rock. Eventually he grew stronger without himself realizing it. God was preparing him for greater things.

Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) IX

2009-06-27T00:43:00.002+08:00

Michael Jackson died on Thursday. We learnt of it yesterday, Fri-26/6. He died young at 50.

In my Feb post of Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) VII, I mentioned Ster said Grandpa's time was nearly up. I'd forgotten I wrote about this. Grandpa has been dead for a while now. It wasn't a surprise. You can learn a lot about people from a death. From the time one is in the hospital to his death to the funeral to the rites after the funeral is over, the time and kind of attention he gets from the people around him tell us a lot about those around him.

Death makes me morbid. Thinking about death makes me wonder if I'd have the chance to do things for the people I love before they die.

Recently, someone I once knew well told me a part of her died when she was forced to let go. This is death of the heart. This death CAN be revived. Ms Ng said when you take away something from the heart, you have to replace with something else. Otherwise, the human heart will feel the loss and emptiness because we have the capacity to love. We were created to love and to give love. Death of the heart is reversible. But a physical death is irreversible. Even if I were to give up all the years of my life in exchange for someone else's, after exhausting my lifespan, the other will still die. I think of death and I feel sad.

Giving II

2009-04-23T21:18:00.001+08:00

Asian societies do not believe in welfarism and I live in such a society. The PAP tells me we are not a welfare state and that the state will not give out handouts. I, too believe that we, as abled human beings, should work for what we want.

I don't know if the mentally/physically disabled in Singapore get any disability benefits. I don't think they do. The unemployed in Singapore definitely do not have any unemployment benefits. You just gotta depend on yourself, man. That's what the government says. I think society should help the mildly mentally/physically disabled to get back into the society. Regardless of the severity of the disability, disabled people already are at a disadvantage when looking for jobs because there are limitations to their job opportunities by dint of their disability. These people are also likely to spend more than the average mentally/physically well people because the former have to go to special schools, require special transportation when travelling around eg. taxis in the case of physical disability, or need a maid to take care of them. However, society has not given them much support although this group especially needs help. For the mildly mentally disabled, they can only find low-skilled jobs with low pay. If they cannot find an employer, then they continue going to the special school. In the meantime, they continue paying the school for each day of taking them in.

Our CPF system is a contribution-based system. Only those who pay in to CPF get CPF. The disadvantage of this system is that those who cannot pay CPF do not have money when they are old. These people either have to work past retirement or depend on their family. The physically/mentally disabled, the poor and the unemployed fall into this category. The government has already come up with training schemes such as SKILLS and SPUR for the professionals, managers, executives and technicians (PMET) and the unemployed, it is time to help the often-overlooked portion of society. I suggest the government come up with government training schemes for the mildly physically/mentally disabled and the poor/unemployed to help more of them get back to the job market. Upon completion of the programs, the government can contribute CPF money into these individuals' accounts. There are several benefits to this. First, unemployment can be reduced and these people can contribute to society. Second, these people who have to spend more because of their special needs will have more CPF money to offset these expenses when they age. Third, we reinforce the idea that citizens should be self-reliant by helping them with the training schemes and CPF contribution. Fourth, by giving a leg-up to the disabled/poor to look after themselves, we can proudly claim we are an "inclusive" society doing our best not to leave anyone behind.

Regarding the severely disabled, more can definitely be done to help them if they are unable to work. Subsidies for transport, medical fees, hiring a maid to take care of them could be given to the family of these disadvantaged people. The government should definitely do more to help the disadvantaged given the bad economic times now.

Opportunities

2009-04-18T12:40:00.000+08:00

ST reported today that some condo owners have turned their condos into “hotels” and called them “condotels”. Apparently, it’s illegal under URA regulations since condos are meant for long-term residential stay, not the few days’ tourist stay. Also, condo management have expressed concern that tenants may be irresponsible and not take care of facilities because they have no ownership.

The condo owners are enterprising. However, I believe that the article missed out another point of view-that of other condo owners. Some condo owners would have bought their condo for security or privacy reasons since there’s a security guard house which ensures privacy from salesmen, thieves, trespassers, stalkers etc. The short-term stay of tourists in the condos would compromise the security of other condo owners who have bought their condo for the above reasons since bad people can pose as tourists and commit housebreaking, thefts etc. They need only rent a room for one night, commit the theft and leave the next day. And you’d never know where to find them. If they are Singaporeans, there’s a chance they may still be caught. If they are real tourists, then they’d have left the country before you even know who robbed you. The opportunities for enterprising condo owners create opportunities for crime.

I do support entrepreneurship. However, I don’t think condos should be rented out for short-term stays. From the point of view of condo owners who bought their condo for more security, condotels would compromise on their security. But HDB flats as an alternative to condotels may be considered. HDB flats are already so open to the public ie. there's no security guard house to prevent salesmen from knocking on your door everyday. In this bad economic time, people who rent out their HDB flats to these tourists would have another source of income. Since majority of Singaporeans live in HDB flats, this could help some ease off their financial woes during this period. Further, the cost of a night’s stay in a Singapore hotel is on average $200++. The cost of a 2D1N trip to Malacca is about half of it. If I want to have a night’s getaway from my house, based on economic reasons, I’d choose Malacca over a Singapore hotel stay. Currently, a condo room is being rented out for $40 to $150 per night. Allowing Singaporeans to rent out their HDB rooms to these tourists would bring down the cost of hotel accommodation in Singapore. This would in turn attract more tourists to come to Singapore.

Expectations II

2009-04-18T10:47:00.001+08:00

Today's ST reported that China is having more frequent Meet-the-People sessions. City officials have to meet the people once a quarter and county officials once a month. These sessions will allow citizens to raise their grievances with the local authorities first before they take the more drastic step of going to Beijing to petition to higher ranking authorities like the President or the Premier. It is hoped that these sessions will solve some of the people's problems and reduce the frustrations of the people. In other words, calming the tensions provoking social instability.

In Singapore, we've got more Meet-the-People sessions as compared to the once a month/once a quarter ones in China. Singapore is nowhere compared to the size of China yet we've more regular Meet-the-People sessions, maybe because Singaporeans are better at complaining. I can meet my MP every Tuesday except the fifth Tuesday of the month and public holiday. I've never had the need to meet my MP because I've been quite comfortable living in Singapore plus I'm not particularly fussy. Another reason which many Singaporeans can identify with me is that it seems that the government doesn't listen to us since it's an authoritarian government and has the final say. In that case, there's no point talking to them. However, that's not to say that I totally agree with everything that's being done here. The last time I spoke out on an issue, I didn't go to the Meet-the-People because the MP can't do anything to change the entire system. You've to petition to the higher authorities, the ministries/statutory boards, the ministers, the prime minister to change flaws in a system. My experience with this tells me that the government adopts the stance of "Sure you can petition but I have the final say. I may not adopt your proposal."

The China government is quite clever in having the Meet-the-People sessions once a month/once a quarter. The frequency of such sessions in China will definitely not be enough given the size of China. However, it goes to meeting some expectations of the people, hopefully enough such that social stability is maintained. The same logic can also be applied to the Singapore government. To meet the expectations of Singaporeans who are great at complaining, we've got a chance to complain once a week to the MP. We can complain all we want at the Meet-the-People sessions so that we give vent to our frustrations. But not all our complaints/proposals/suggestions will be taken to by the government. But we at least have a chance to complain once a week to the MP and social stability is still maintained.

Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) VIII

2009-04-14T10:00:00.000+08:00

DBS CEO, Richard Stanley died on Sat-11/4. Mrs Morris died on Sat-11/4. Richard Stanley died indirectly of cancer-leukemia. He was undergoing treatment for that when his body caught an infection and he died due to the infection. I don't know what Mrs Morris died of but she'd cancer too and was taking a lot of drugs for that when she was alive.

When I learnt of Mrs Morris' death on Sun, I'd informed Ster. She wanted to go for Mrs Morris' wake but she'd wanted to do some work on Sun. I do know she's busy. Yesterday night, when Ster came over for the wake, it was over. Mrs Morris was cremated yesterday late afternoon. Ster said had she known, she'd have come over on Sun. I find it ironic that people say "If I'd known this, I'd have done that". It is only when things have happened that we can say that. If things hadn't happened the way they did, can we still say "If I'd known"? Of course we can't! We wouldn't have known anything. How can we know when someone will die? We don't even know when we'll die for that matter.

Felt sad for Ster because she was close to Mrs Morris. Ster checked the obituary page in the papers and we found out that she was cremated yesterday. Ster said not being able to attend the wake is 她一生的遗憾。Ster could only cut out the obituary notice of Mrs Morris in the papers and keep it away quietly. Since Richard Stanley didn't know us, we left the Richard Stanley photo in the obituary page of the papers.

Ster made me realize that we should cherish our loved ones. Work should never take precedence over our loved ones. If we give work priority, when we turn around, we'll find that the time for us to spend with our loved ones is gone. Perhaps, even the person is gone. In Ster's case, she couldn't even see Mrs Morris one last time. It is a scary thought when you think of how you can't see your loved ones for the last time.

Mrs Morris' death also reminded me of something. When I speak to people about Mrs Morris, I say she's a nice person, I talk of how she helped out in the schools, of what a kind soul she is. I asked myself then how I want to die. What do you want people to remember you for? What is the legacy you're going to leave behind?

Education IX

2009-04-12T12:52:00.000+08:00

I do believe that parents these days are paranoid over their kids. A friend of mine went to a talk organised by the primary school for parents regarding the Direct Admission program. If your kid has some talent or skill in some sport like swimming or badminton, he can gain direct admission to a Secondary school in Singapore which is strong in that particular sport. According to my friend, the number of secondary schools with this Direct Admission program has increased from 40+ to 50+. Apparently, there were a lot of parents who attended the talk.

Frankly, I think such talks are a waste of time. First, it is common knowledge that even with average grades, if a child has a talent in sports or arts or music, he would be able to gain special admission to any Secondary school, even if the Secondary school is not strong in that particular sport or art or music. Schools wish to gain reputation and such students will help the school boast of its "highly talented students".

Second, if a child has average grades and does not have any talents, rich parents can offer to make donations to the secondary school. I've heard of someone who donated an entire computer lab to a secondary school. Yes, make the school indebted to you and your child will be able to get in.

If a child has average grades and no talents and the parents are not rich, it's okay. There's still a chance. Parents can always volunteer their time at the school.

All the above measures are real and taken by parents to give their child a good place in Singapore's education system. Parents go to great lengths so that their child can get into one of the top secondary schools in Singapore. Of course, it's something to be proud of and which parents can boast to other parents/relatives about, especially at family gatherings like Chinese New Year.

As I mentioned earlier, the primary school talks about the Direct Admission program or measures to gain indirect admission to top secondary schools are a waste of time. Such talks do not provide new information on what has been done. It's not as if it's a talk about the reform of the Singapore education system. I'll be the first to support a talk like that. The Singapore education system needs to be overhauled! Talks such as the Direct Admission and "Indirect Admission" only serve to perpetuate one of the flaws in the Singapore education system-that our students should only be concerned about getting into top schools. Also, how many parents have kids who have a talent or have been able to develop their talent in the particular sport/art/music after the number of hours they spent in school and on after school tuition classes? Yet, according to my friend, there were many parents who attended the school talk.

I didn't get into a top school and I'm not rich and I've no talent in the sports or the arts or music. I came from a neighbourhood primary school which has since merged with another neighbourhood primary school and I was happy studying in my primary school because the culture was conducive for studying even though it was a neighbourhood school. The students worked hard and the teachers gave free supplementary classes to weaker students and even welcomed students who were not doing badly in school to join the classes. I didn't go to a top secondary school. As it is, I didn't even choose to go the JC way because it's just an extension of the rote-learning, exam-based primary and secondary school system. I've had enough of mugging for exams at the end of Sec. 4. I don't believe in getting into top schools nor schools with too low rankings unless the school culture is a friendly and learning-conducive one. Top schools produce students under tremendous stress such that some of them steal. Schools at the tail-end tend to have more playful students who are not concerned with their studies. However, if a top school or a tail-end one has a good studying culture and do not have too much stress for the students, that is one school which your child will be happy learning in.

Recently, a scheme was started to subsidize students from low-income homes for tuition at CCs and RCs for up to 90% of their tuition fees. During my primary and secondary school time, tuition wasn't so necessary. Unless I couldn't understand a subject, I wouldn't have tuition for that subject. Now, I think we have a tuition country because there are even subsidies for tuition fee. That is a result of too many kids going for tuition such that tuition has become something that's necessary, rather than a supplement to helping the kids to understanding a subject. I never heard of tuition fee subsidies. If I'd, I'd have applied for them! How ridiculous this country is. In future, we're going to have subsidies for Mozart classes for babies when they are born and parents will start making sure their babies have a place in a top school through the "Indirect Admission" scheme.

Freedom IV

2009-04-12T12:02:00.001+08:00

In the movie "V For Vendetta", V tortured Evey to free her from fear. I couldn't believe it when I was watching the show. Like Evey, I thought V was sick. But when I watched the show a second time, I understood in some part why V did that. In order to be free from fear, you have to go beyond fear and death is one way of doing that. Aren't we all afraid of dying? If you're not, then you must be fearless. Yes, we all want to live when we know that our end is near.

W said that the Myammar people don't like Asean which includes Singapore. This is because the government is a military one and oppresses the common people. The revenue that flows into the government coffers belong to the government alone and not to the people. The money then goes to the military. The people remain poor. W said America has imposed economic sanctions on Myammar and if Asean hadn't helped Myammar, the military government would run out of money and collapse of the government would have been inevitable. But because Asean is helping the government, it is hard for the government to fall on its own. I asked W doesn't the common people benefit from Asean's help? W replied that only the military government benefits from it. The government doesn't invest in the people. There is no difference in the living standard of the people if Asean hadn't come into the picture. Without Asean, the people could still survive on what little they have, on the grains they plant. If Asean hadn't come in to help Myammar, the government would have been toppled in a few years for sure. But for Asean. In giving Myammar economic freedom, Asean had inevitably caused the loss of political freedom for the Myammar people.

W said he once asked about Aung Sang Suu Kyi in IRC and his IP address was blocked from IRC. The Myammar government blocked it. This is worse than China because at least in China, netizens are still able to post the “草泥马”video on Youtube. Haha. Although Youtube was recently blocked in China and for the longest time, you can't access the BBC website or google "Taiwan", "Falungong", or even "xxx". For that matter, you can't even come to blogspot.com (including this blog) or blogs based overseas. How ridiculous! Back in China, I thought it was really an oppression of individual freedom. After discovering about the military government in Myammar, I must say that China is nothing compared to Myammar. But I do not support the Great Firewall of China.

Tuts My Barreh

2009-04-08T19:31:00.002+08:00

A friend of mine showed me this. Pretty amusing. The original song is Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body". To be honest, when I first saw the video, throughout it, I was wondering what the heck "tuts my barreh" is and I'm not trying to be sarcastic.

Freedom III

2009-04-08T19:01:00.007+08:00

This video is a response by the Chinese netizens to the CPC's censorship of the Internet in China. The River Crabs (河蟹) are a parallel to harmony (和谐) which the CPC has been trying to promote. I just feel like putting this up today, in protest of my freedom of speech.

Freedom II

2009-04-08T18:46:00.003+08:00

From now on, I'll write exactly what I feel like as and when I feel like it. Since what words I write belong to me and me alone, no matter what medium I use, I will write words which I want when I want and I will NOT, repeat will NOT take down my posts unless I feel it's necessary and justified. For eg. because I've offended or embarrassed someone. However, I do not believe I will put myself in such a disadvantaged position in the first place because I believe in exercising responsibility when one writes.

Some people live their lives in their own world, expecting others to give in everything to them, including blogspot and not excluding Facebook.

And now, I will give the finger.

Love, Hate (+Hurt) IV

2009-02-14T22:24:00.000+08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to all! For all the people who've ever loved me and whom I've loved in return, for all the fools in love, the lovebirds, and even the unloved, Happy Valentine's Day to you and may your life be filled with love.

I've always believed that love is forever but today I'll ask myself if it really is so. Sometimes, love seems transient. When we were born, for most of us, our parents loved us. Then we grew a little bigger and found that our siblings and friends love us too. As we shed our childlikeness and step into teenhood, adulthood, we find our parents don't love us that much as we thought. And we probably don't love our parents or our friends as much too because new objects of fancy now capture our attention. We fall in love or for some of us, we fall in like. We've crushes. Others crush on us. And then we find our soulmate and have kids and perpetuate the cycle of transient love.

Love is sweet and bitter at the same time and bittersweet sometimes. All kinds of love are. Sometimes things go wrong and we bash each other up or we hurt each other. But after we thrash things out, things are fine again. And because we've successfully resolved a conflict, hopefully, we progress in our relationship and understand each other a little deeper. Yet for some, the conflicts never really get resolved. The cumulative effect of them is potential cause for ruining the relationship. But the funny thing is that because you've loved before, there's still those sparks of love which can remains.

Sometimes, there isn't much/any love between you and another but by virtue of the fact that you are tied to the person by blood, no matter what this person does, you'll still help him and accept him. That is another kind of love. A weird type which I'm still trying to figure out.

Have you ever met a teacher or mentor or someone who is unrelated to you yet gives you his time and effort unconditionally? That is another kind of love. I've seen many great teachers like that and kudos to them for their relentless effort in reforming, teaching, guiding, training us to be more useful than we were.

At last, we can also love inanimate objects or things. Having a hobby like gardening can be a love for someone. Eating is a love for someone else. And sleeping is definitely something many people I know love.

Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) VII

2009-02-07T21:33:00.001+08:00

Today, I entertain a curious notion. Parting is a part of living. A part of the life cycle. What I don't understand is why people cannot accept parting in that case. For myself and for everyone else, I believe, the closer you are to someone, the deeper the hurt you're going to feel when the time comes for parting. It really upsets me at times even when the situation is not one in which your loved one parts into eternity but the other version of parting in which you know you've to move on with another phase of your life.

Ster said when you see Grandpa, you know his time is nearly up. I feel sorry and maybe I'm trying to make amends for the past so I will visit him before he leaves this world. Though I don't like him, I know I'll feel sorry for him and sad when his time comes. It's very weird because we are not even close and for the bulk of my life, he didn't even exist in my consciousness. And it is so very weird because it is not his children who visit him but his grandchildren who are doing so now. Maybe it came back to him for all that he's done. Life comes back full circle.

I try to live my life as best as I can even though I admit sometimes I don't do well. Thinking of death makes me morbid but I know I've to face it someday. Death really tears people up. How would you feel if you know your close one is dying? I find it hard to imagine it unless it's reality. What can you do actually? Nothing. As always, whatever kind of parting it is, I only ask for more time. Kamisama, mo sukoshi dake.

Education VIII

2008-10-30T20:29:00.002+08:00

When I started this term, I could still sleep at 10.30pm. Slowly, I slept at 11pm. Then 12 midnight. Then 12.15am. And so on. Due to the sheer amount of homework and in part my laziness, my sleeping time has been pushed back during the term. When school started, not only was my sleeping hours affected, my sleep too, was affected. There is the stress from school which made it hard for me to sleep. Thus, sleep really became a luxury to me. Because I had problems sleeping. BTW, I don't have problems sleeping during the holidays or when I'm working.

At the beginning of this term, I could find the time to finish my readings and do proper revision like a good student should. Subsequently, I skipped readings and then I couldn't find the time to do proper revision for my classes and I skipped class. By Week 6, I was already looking forward to the mid-term break. After the mid-term break, I was looking forward to the end of the term. I started to count down to the holidays. It's ironic because it's not that I don't love school. On the contrary, I love to study. But there's always a limit to everything, I guess. Too much of something will turn you off.

The term is coming to an end. Even though the current global financial crisis will have a turnaround next year, I still worry. Singapore's economy will pick up (hopefully) from the middle of next year. Because if it doesn't, I will have to 吃西北风。I look at the people who are graduating at the end of this term and I am thankful I am still studying. I just want to stay in the shelters of the schooling environment where no financial crises can hit the iron-strong walls of this environment.

Coincidence

2008-10-08T20:28:00.002+08:00

In life, there can't be too many coincidences. I always say "If something happens once, it's a coincidence. If something happens twice or more, it's never a coincidence. In other words, it's intentional/there's an external force at work. This external force could be ourselves or the universe.

The other day, I was going home on a train and happened to be talking to Em over the hp at the same time. Just then, I heard an announcement over the loudspeaks in Em's background. From the style of the announcement, I guessed Em was on the same line as me. So I asked her "Where are you?" "I'm on the train". "Which stop are you at?" The reply came "I'm going towards Dhoby Ghaut". At that time, my train was pulling away from Dhoby Ghaut. So in 1 of life's coincidences, in those few seconds, we passed by each other on DIFFERENT trains in the SAME line, she going towards city and I away from city. While talking to each other on the phone.

Here is another so-called "coincidence". Yesterday, I didn't leave immediately when KC called. We'd arranged to meet. When I did, it was a good 15min later. So I SMS-ed KC on the train. KC asked"Which stop are you at?" "Orchard" "Going towards Orchard?" "Yea". Whatever else KC said was lost in the babble of the chatter in my background and the screeching of the train in the tunnel. "I can't hear you. I SMS you!" I told KC. Then I received KC's SMS: "We are in the same train". "Which car are you in? I'm towards the end". "I'm in the middle". But we didn't go searching for each other. After we came out from the train, I saw that KC was actually just 1 or 2 cars away from me when we were in the train.

Nothing Is Totally Good Or Bad II

2008-09-10T23:51:00.000+08:00

I'd said in "Nothing Is Totally Good Or Bad" that "As an afterthought to attaining success at a price, what's the point in giving up what is valueless (principles, relationships etc) for what is valued (by society)? Many sacrifice their time with themselves, with family, with friends for work. Like ET, who was top, pushed away all her friends in her bid for success. During her climb to the top, she pushed away her friends. After the climb, she realised she'd no friends and was depressed. But by then, how many friends had she left for she'd pushed them away?"

Today I found out that ET didn't complete her Uni education and according to a friend, "put on lots of weight". She'd fallen into depression. Right now, she seems fine. But it's a pity that ET didn't complete her Uni education because she definitely has the brains and also leadership quality.

Even though I can't say I'm close to ET now, I was still concerned when I heard that something'd happened to her. I guess that deep inside, she is still my old friend.

I started thinking about being average. I am thankful that I am average, not too smart/intelligent like ET, not too hardworking nor too pragmatic like ET who pushed away all her friends in the climb for success. Em felt it was just a moment of neglect. But I felt abandoned. If I become another ET, my friends might feel that sense of abandonment which I felt.

Anyway, ET, once the student councillor of her JC, once the head prefect of her Sec school, once the assistant head prefect of her Pri school, president of choir in her Sec school, group leader of her Pri school camp, was just too smart/intelligent, too capable, too diligent, too pragmatic, too ________. I never thought she'd never finish her Uni studies. It just didn't occur to me. In fact, I have such a good opinion of her I saw her as a career woman, some president of some company. I never thought anything bad could happen to her. Makes you realize how vulnerable humans are.

I am thankful I am average. In life, there is always a balance. The higher you go, the smarter you are, the better off you are as compared with the rest of the population, the worse the fall is when it comes. WHEN it comes, not IF it comes. Life is not a bed of roses. There are ups and downs in life. You may be better off in 1 way but worse off in another way. I am thankful I don't have too much. Otherwise, there's too much to lose. I'm thankful I'm not too smart. I don't want depression even though I've experienced it before. I'm thankful I don't have some things but are blessed with others. I'm thankful that even though I'm not rich, but compared to the rest of the world, I have food to eat. I'm thankful I am studying in a Uni now as compared to some who don't have this chance.

It's funny how unappreciative people are and what complainers they are until they see others worse than them. That's when we take stock of our life and say "Hey, I'm actually pretty okay where I am."

Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) VI

2008-09-10T23:12:00.003+08:00

I haven't really thought about death/dying so much. Maybe because I took living for granted, that this act of breathing in and out would continue at least for the next few decades for me. I'm being optimistic because barring unforseen circumstances like accidents and death due to misadventure and unnatural causes, a human's lifespan in sunny little Singapore these days should reach 80 years or so. Sometimes, I may say "Who knows, I may die tomorrow?" But of course, I don't expect myself to really die suddenly or unexpectedly. I still expect myself to be alive and kicking. If I really die suddenly like in an accident, then I will definitely die a regretful ghost for the people I left behind and the things undone.

Death is really depressing. Really. Whether it's your own death or the death of someone you know. It makes life meaningless. Why do we persist in our efforts when impending doom looms near? What can you do when you know you are going to die?

My near brushes with death certainly scared the living daylights out of me. I don't want to die so soon. There are still many things I want to do, that I haven't done.

In the face of death, everything else takes second place. No one will be angry with you when they know you are dying. In fact, they will feel sorry for you. You can practically get away with a lot of things. "Afterall, he's going to die" they say.

生离死别 is part of life, part of our human and humane existence. But why, oh why, can't I accept that no one is immortal? A sense of melancholy tinged with despair fills me when I think of death. I wonder if the death of a physical body or of the mind-Alzheimer's can cause the death of the heart. Will you, who are close to me feel a part of your heart die with my death?

Since we are all going to die someday, what is the legacy you are going to leave behind?

Deserving, Undeserved, Well-deserved II

2008-08-09T17:26:00.000+08:00

You hear of stories of poor people. In sunny little Singapore, we also have our share of the poor, some poorer than others just as some men are more equal than others. What is so heartwrenching to me was when I came across these referrals by schools for financial aid:

"ABC is well-behaved, motivated and hardworking. She is in need of financial help and is currently under MOE financial assistance."

"DEF looks forward to come to school even though he stays as far as Jalan Very Far. He has never been late and has been very positive in his attitude."

How about this? "GHI is a quiet and well-behaved student. He cannot afford to come to school regularly and he needs to take turns with his brother to come to school."

"JKL's parents are odd job labourers, and do not bring home salaries consistently. His father does not come home regularly. He is therefore left to fend for himself. He is not provided with any allowance and even has difficulties attending school (no money given for transport and food)."

"MNO is trying to be self-supportive in her finances as parents do only odd job and at times out of job. She has difficulties with finances but still wants to finish her O level. She is determined to have education and have a good career in the future."

"Mother is the sole bread winner. Father has passed away. PQR is the eldest with younger siblings. He is a good boy and active in CCA. He is well-liked by teachers and a very well-behaved boy."

"STU comes from a single parent family. Since the demise of her father, her mother tries to provide for the family as a baby sitter. (income $530) She has 3 other siblings in school." $530 for a person's living expenses is okay provided one is frugal. $530 for FIVE people is terrible. Makes you feel for them.

"Parents earn "$150.00 (5 children)".

"Parents not working (2 children)".

"Student is being supported by the grandmother and at times by the uncle. The mother passed away suddenly 3 years ago. There is no trace of the father. Recently, the grandmother has been sick and unable to work. Student is a good soccer player."

"Mother not working. Father in prison since Dec 2006. VWX is the eldest. Mum borrows money from friends to support the family. According to the student (VWX), the family at times eat bread and drink tea for dinner."

Do these put you to shame? Here we are, living in relative comfort compared to these poor folks. We don't have to eat bread and drink tea for dinner. At least we have a roof over our heads and we don't have to worry about food on the table or taking turns to go to school with sibilings or having no money for school.

Shame on you who are born with a silver spoon in your mouth with food being served on a silver platter, AND who are NOT born with the silver spoon but have worked enough to put yourself in the top end of the salary scale, and do nothing to help people like this. You must have no heart and/because you are too caught up in your own little world to do your part and lend a hand to people who are worse off than you, who have to take turns with their sibling to go to school. It irks me that there are people like this, living their comfort life, complaining about the loss of the convenience of a spoilt laptop. Have you, for a moment before you complained, thought about the people who don't have the luxury of owning a laptop/PC/fancy gadgets like that?

It irks me more when I'm in touch with the lower class. If I were God, I'd make every single person, rich or poor alike do a day of manual labour. So what if you are rich? You are only up there, sitting your fat butts on your money. Mother Theresa had nothing but a heart of gold. She helped so many. When she died, she only had a few possessions. I'm not saying everyone should be Mother Theresa. Indeed, we are not saints and most of us can't match her. But at least we can do something to help others, to help at least 1 person. If everyone who has the ability to help others does so, we'd be able to lessen the suffering in the world by a fair bit.

I've come to the conclusion that Singaporeans are spoilt and selfish and they spoil their kids and produce another spoilt and selfish generation.

Time

2008-08-09T17:05:00.000+08:00

Time is a diminishing resource unlike money which is also a resource but doesn't diminish.

You choose who and what to spend your time on. Even if you don't choose, you have just spent that time. Because every second that ticks by is a second lost in eternity. You do things which you find meaningful to you, which you enjoy wasting time on.

During the last days of spending hours to travel everyday, I haven't made use of my travelling time fully. To think of the hours of travelling every day multiplied by many days over-I am guilty of wasting time. I'd slept when I was travelling instead of doing something productive. As we grow older, we have lesser time. So it's natural to grab every minute possible to do those things you can't usually find the time for.

When I went out with SH, she was driving with one hand and in her words, "do(ing) a lot of nonsense" with the other hand like sms-ing, holding the phone speaker, searching for her dropped hp. When I went out with Ms Lim, she cleaned her car while driving. These are people who utilize every second they have.

Time has become such a scarce resource who and what you spend your time on determines if you have lived each day to the fullest. In that case, we should invest our time wisely especially since you can't get it back. If time is a resource, is it wise to invest in people/things in which the returns are low? If someone is unable/unwilling to invest as much time into your relationship as you, should we start investing in other relationships in which the returns are higher? Is fishing as a hobby a productive use of time? Maybe. If you sell the fishes. Or you cook them for dinner.

Growing Up

2008-07-28T20:59:00.002+08:00

When I was young, everything was possible. I thought I'd be a scientist. I thought I'd be a lwyer. I thought I'd be a doctor. When you were a kid, everything was within reach. The sky was the limit.

When I grew older, I realised certain realities. Yes, the sky at that time was still within reach but there are obstacles along the way, people who obstruct your progress.

Even older, I started realising that I wasn't interested in the sky anymore.

Much older, I learnt that even if I'm interested in the sky, it's too far away for me. That's when the sky came crashing down and I know I've limited abilities.

I don't know if the sky hates me or I hate the sky. Anyway, not only do I have limited abilities, when I grew up, I learnt about responsibilities. It doesn't mean that when you've the ability to do something, you can go ahead and do it because there's something called "consequences". For example, I cannot spit on the ground because I'd be fined.

I wishI don't have to grow up because ignorance is bliss. Right now, as an adult, there are certain responsibilities you've to take. You can say "Heck it" and do what you want but there's music to be faced later. Anyway, that's irresponsibility. There's more responsibilities the older you get. Each responsibility is a burden. I feel old and tired.

Future

2008-07-28T20:50:00.002+08:00

I keep on talking about the past. I should also touch on the future. If you can go forward in time, what'd you change?

I thought I'd go rob a bank since no one will know it's me. But I guess it'll be found out since banks have all those highly efficient, highly pressured individuals who ensure that the banks are highly efficient and highly pressured. Then I thought of being Robin Hood-robbing the rich to help the poor and which rich I'd rob. But I realised I can't do that. If it's someone you don't like who happens to lead a difficult life in the future and you rob him, even if it's someone you don't like, you'd hesitate to rob him because you'd feel sorry for his plight.

Future. This word seems so distant. What is my future going to be like? Somehow, I feel that my life was planned long ago by forces not mine and I'm only living the life that was mapped out long ago. Am I to continue on this trajectory which was destined long ago? The past-I cannot change. I look back and realise there are things I'd missed out in life and feel shortchanged. After all the reflection and self-beating, I'm back to myself, being alone and looking into the mirror at myself. I can only attempt to change the future because what's past is past. How do I want my future to be like? I try to create that future. There's a long way to go. I wonder if my attempts are going to be futile if the other powers have already cursed me to a doom. What's the use of working towads a future if there's no future?

Education VII

2008-03-17T00:21:00.000+08:00

Education, why do I keep thinking of you even though you torment me so? You give me a headache sometimes yet you've brought me much joy at the same time when you are amenable and I get results. What a problematic thing! Sometimes, I think I'm in a love-hate relationship with you. I like you but I don't want you for the sake of wanting because then, you'd have lost your original meaning and my earnest pursuit of you. You give me a headache yet I cannot dump you. The times I spent with you, agonising over the little hiccups you threw up in our comfortable relationship, getting results from you, the days and nights we shared...You've entrenched yourself so deeply in my life. Even if I want to get rid of you, I can't. And I don't know how to. You've gained a foothold in my life and began to take on a meaning of your own. I like you but you give me problems. I cannot don't want you because you're so much a part of my life. The only thing I can do is live with you and the occasional headaches you give me. Honestly, if you don't give me any headaches, I'd enjoy my time with you more. Of course, that's impossible. You can see what a devil you are by making me think of and worry about you so much.

This is the 7th entry on "Education". I've not talked about any other topics with such frequency. Education is crazy. I've given up on Ethics since Week 2. It's just madness once school starts. That's an understatement. Old Lee told me that UMS' curriculum structure is like that: For every 1h we spend in class, we are supposed to spend another 3h outside class. Right. I guess the school administration must have forgotten to say to accomplish that 1h, 3h feat, we are certainly not expected to have any rest. And oh yea, don't forget you are supposed to be walking out of school presenting this brand new image of a hardworking graduate: wrinkles on your face, dark eye rings looking like a panda, or worse, a zombie. Oops, yah, we forgot to include that in the marketing campaign.

WY doesn't want to work but she's going to clear summer modules so she can graduate in 3 years instead of 4. Ironic. Instead of the usual 4 years, people these days want to graduate in 3.5, 4 years. In fact, they are eager to do so. When I first started Uni, I was caught up in this tidal wave of eagerness too. Now, I just want to enjoy my school life or what's left of it. WY is a nice friend and I feel sad that I'll probably not see her around school next term if she clears the summer modules. I have this selfish wish that she wouldn't be able to clear the summer modules so she'd have to come back next term. And maybe we can be in the same class again next term. Still, I guess we can still keep in touch even if I don't see her.

I think before the end of my UMS life, I'd have blogged 20 times on you. You and you and you, Education. You which brings me much joy and misery.

Past II

2008-03-13T12:14:00.003+08:00

X said she could sleep perfectly before I existed. I said fine, then you go back to before I existed. She told me to bring her back to her past then. Of course I can't! But if you could-forget the time machines or taking the pill that brings you back in time-if you could go back to being like before, would you take it up?

Would not knowing me make you happier? Would it make me happier? My reality before you existed may have had less sorrows by no thanks to you but it'd also have had less substance and been less "real" in that sense. The past builds up the present. The past was innocent, the present filled with bittersweetness from looking back at the past. What used to be nice in the past is now another "thing" in the current life, taken for granted and not thought of as often, probably not looked at too. Not that you don't want to look at it. But in the mad rush of life, you've forgotten to look at it. The occasional glance you throw at it does not register the same meaning as it used to in the past. But when you stop for a moment to reflect, you realize the meaning it has for you presently. Maybe your feelings remain. Maybe your feelings've changed and you've taken a fancy to something else. Whatever it is, the past was meaningful for the time it took place in your life at that particular time and place. When you reminiscence, a smile fills your lips. You are filled with sweetness. With bittersweetness. With longing. With sorrow. With resignation and a sense of acceptance that for all that it's done to you and how it will shape your future, what is past will remain as it is, as the past. Always. There's no going back, whether you like it or not. Always.

I don't know if I want to change the past, much as I dislike parts of it. Without it, I wouldn't be the same me standing before you. I could've been better. I could've been worse. I might've been the same blundering fool with my innocence and big ego retained. To quote from Elan, "would I have lived happier, done better, done something different or be more at peace with myself?" Granted, there are some bad parts in the past I wish I could've obliterated. But they made me a more thinking individual as a result. And people around me like the current me. If they were to go to my past, would they have liked me the way they do now?

I wish I can let go of the past. Yet I feel I've to embrace it at the same time because it is part of my identity. How can the past and present resolve themselves?

Understanding

2008-03-02T05:01:00.002+08:00

Elan talked about knowing in her blog. Since my mind's on a similar track, I will talk about understanding.

Elan said in her "Knowing" entry, "There are some kinds of people in this world that I've made up my mind to avoid. They are the dismissive, judgemental kind of people who will summarise you up in one word or phrase without even realising what they just did was to minisculize one entire person -neurons, electrons atoms and soul -into one single molecule."

Maybe it's not easy to avoid those people, if you have to face them because of your circumstances and it's definitely not easy to avoid them especially if they are people you like. We, as humans, tend to judge and we do it all the time. That's why first impressions count because snap judgment counts. We fall prey to judging others and therein lies the problem: You think you know but you don't understand.

Yet, I think it fair for those who, in Elan's words, "sum up a person in one word". After some interaction and understanding, we usually form different opinions of a person, given the complex nature of humans. Most of the time, one dominant image of someone will come to mind each time we think of that person because that's the deepest impression we have of that person's character. Right, Elan? Perhaps it's not so much as summing up an entire someone but more of coming up with one adjective to describe your deepest impression of that person.

"To these ridiculous and clueless people who think they can sum up a person in one word , I can only draw my eyebrows together. I have no rebuttal for them, because if I were to speak I would not finish in one day. And I know that minds like theirs would fail to comprehend, because they lack the tendency to consider things from many angles and perspectives, simultaneously."

I can only agree with this. Like I said, you think you know but you don't understand. I've had well-meaning people trying to solve issues. Or rather, who think they are trying to help but who, in reality, have only a vague impression of the going-ons behind the scene. I try not to be harsh on them because they DO know something but it's not the entire picture and certainly barely enough to help AND, certainly enough to rankle me when they try to help with their limited understanding. I've also had others who know nuts who BARGE IN thinking they know EVERYTHING and judge. Like Elan, I can only narrow my eyes, draw my eyebrows together, turn the other way and walk away. I have nothing to say to them because like Elan, were I to speak, I will not be able to finish in one day. How can I sum up what happened in years in one sentence? I will not be doing justice to myself. How does one sum up time in a few seconds? It's not enough. Most of the time, even if you try to explain, they think they know but they don't understand because they're not in that situation and unless they've had a similar experience, their so-called understanding if any, is only scratching the surface of the matter.

Sometimes, it's not as what Elan said, "that minds like theirs would fail to comprehend, because they lack the tendency to consider things from many angles and perspectives, simultaneously." Granted, not everyone is so myopic though everyone is judgmental. Sometimes, minds like theirs fail to comprehend not because of the lack of their macroscopic view but because these people lack the understanding of the entire situation in the first place. And so, they think they know but actually they don't understand.

Giving Up IV

2008-02-02T13:28:00.000+08:00

Today, I saw the caption of the newpaper advertisement of "Away From Her": "Sometimes you have to let go of what you can't live without". How apt that I saw this as I was thinking of "Letting Go".

When I left BJ the first time, I was forced to give up what I cannot hold on to. I was helpless to the tides of destiny that pulled me back to the shores of sunny little Singapore. I'd to give up my comfort life, I'd to give up the things I treasure, the food, the people, the leisure. I'd to give up all the little bits that made up my simple yet happy life.

And because there is a longing, I went back. How can I let go so easily? Like you, I am human afterall and I can't turn on and off my emotions like a tap. Despite all the unhappiness and past decisions to let go, I/you/we still hang on.

Granted, nothing is forever and that too, shall pass. I accept there's a time for everything and there's a time to hang on and a time to let go. I'd said in "Giving Up III", "How does one give up so-and-so or such-and-such when it's become so entwined and so much a part of his life?". When I decided to give up, why does it hurt so?

I've given up money for time, traded work for relationships. When you decide to do otherwise, will we still see eye to eye? If we can't see each other, is it time to let go? Before you came into my life, I managed to live on fine. When you decided to let go, how do you fill the heart's hole? Yes, to quote from Elan, it's too late now to go back and reconstruct a different mentality other than the one you instilled in me.

When you decide to let go, does it mean you don't care about whoever/whatever anymore? Even if you do still care, gone are the days of passion. If you don't care as much, (why) should the other party still hang on? I am not so altruistic/forgiving/generous. "If I love you, will you love me back? If you don't love me, should I love you?" Elan's words ring true in my ears. When to hang on and when to let go? That's the million dollar question. "The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go". When you really care about something/someone, it's hard to let go, even if you want to. What if you have to but can't?

Crossroads, Fate and Destiny II

2008-01-20T01:12:00.000+08:00

I didn't get shortlisted by CS. I knew it right from the beginning they were looking for the best of the (academic) best. Guess I just needed confirmation that I wouldn't be shortlisted so I can put my mind to ease and look at alternatives to finding an internship. I wonder if I should go to India or Shanghai or some other place in China. Desperate people do desperate things. But then, 3 months is not a short time. 三个月说长不长,说短不短. I am in a dilemma.

It's quite sad that there's no place for me in Singapore. CS doesn't want me for internship and I've to look overseas. Elan blogged today: "I don't mind dedicating my life to my nation, but my nation wants the cream of the crop. My nation wants excellent brains, exceptional cca records, all-rounders, or people with a special talent or two. My nation doesn't want a run-of-the-mill, mass-produced product like me (like Canned food that you can get in every supermarket)." I said something to this extent today to X that it's hard for average people or slightly above average people like me and the friends around to find a job. We are not especially lousy. There are jobs aplenty out there like sweeping the roads for those people with lousy grades. We aren't especially exceptional such as to be in hot demand like hot cakes where the orders come even before the cakes are fully baked in the oven. No one will offer us a job before we graduate unless we go begging them for one. We are average. The problem arises when we are average. There is something wrong with being average. You are so dead when you are average because everyone else is average and you have to fight with 80%, 90% of the average population.

Went to the job fair today with Ecarg and saw so many people applying for jobs I was xian3. Competition is stiff, not just among locals but also between locals and foreigners. There were Filippina applying for jobs at the job fair. Filippina with high school degrees and bachelor degrees. How in the world am I supposed to fight with foreigners when I am already in a tough job battle against my fellow Singaporeans? What am I going to do when China, India and the Middle East finally flex their fully trained and bulging economic muscle? Will I really be relegated to sweeping the roads?

Elan continues: "My nation needs me...she taught me 4 years of NE and appeal to me in National Day Rally, to be loyal and patriotic, to not migrate, to be part of Total Defence. She needs me to be a citizen, join the labour force, boost her economic competivity, contribute to CPF, buy her houses, pay ERP, boost her morale and defend her if things ever go wrong. But she doesn't want me./ She told me that education is important and subsidised my school fees in a world where some people don't even get enough to eat. But she shows me, every step of the way, that somehow I'm not good enough, not educated enough, not talented enough, not competitive enough and at the end of the day, she left me to fend for myself in a world where half the population is fighting for ricebowls and another overcrowded half is waiting for food aid." Do I mirror Elan's thoughts? I seem to be echoing her words.

"My nation, if I love you, will you love me back? If you don't love me back, should I still love you? I am educated enough only to understand how things works. I am not educated enough or well-equipped to enter the fray and win the battle. Sometimes I wonder, if you didn't make education the centrepiece of my life, would I have lived happier, done better, done something different or be more at peace with myself? It is too late to go back, undo everything and reconstruct a different mentality other than the one you instilled in me all these years." If I were a farmer without any education tilling the land, will I be happy? I honestly don't know. At any rate, I can be sure that I'll have a simpler life.

Speaking of needs and wants reminds me of "Consumerism". We broached on that topic in Sociology and I felt strongly about it. We are all enslaved to the idea of consumerism. We buy things we THINK we need but which we actually only want or think we want. MNCs/TNCs are great at marketing and we buy and buy and buy into the idea of consumerism, not so much the things we buy. No, we don't really buy the things we buy/are buying. We are just buying the idea of consumerism. The effect is the buying.

Elan was right. "It remains possible to forgo the comfort of everyday luxuries in order to pursure your dreams but would people choose it? More than the power of comfort is the power of relativity. Would you give up that car, that air-conditioning, that condominium when everyone else has them? Would you be willing to settle for a small salary while others earn 5k a month?Everybody is competitive, about everything, including consumption. People in this age often feel dissatisfied and worse off than before, even though there is improvement in the overall standard of living, because humans measure their welfare in relative terms. If you can afford to have something that most others can't, then you are relatively better off. You will not feel better off for being able to afford indoor plumbing (that was not available many decades ago), because today, everyone else has them." I have decided to spurn consumerism. If I have a choice, I will spurn not only consumerism but also everything else and live as a hermit in some isolated island. Sadly, I am trapped in this society of "Cs", a Society of Competition and Consumerism.

I don't need something but I want it. In terms of human relationship, this equates to selfishness. I don't need you but I still want you. Sounds to me like a case of victimization/being made used of. Is it better to need and want someone at the same time? If I need you but I don't want you, it's a pathetic scenario-for myself.

I have been grappling with the issue of love and the giving/receiving of it. Elan's words "if I love you, will you love me back? If you don't love me back, should I still love you?" make me re-visit the issue of "Numero Uno" again. I have this bad habit of viewing relationships in a cost-benefit analysis. Why should I put someone as my first priority when I am not that person's Number One? Should I spend more time, energy and effort on the one to whom I am Number One so I will not let this person down? Shouldn't I? I don't know if I am making comparisons here or if they are fair. If things had not proceeded the way they did, if Fate (I) didn't enter your life, if I had never heard of you (to quote from Elan), would I have lived happier or be more at peace with myself? Would you have lived better? Yes, "it is too late to go back, undo everything and reconstruct a different mentality other than the one you instilled in me".

I don't know if I should stay to do my internship or go overseas. At the same time, I am re-visiting my values. Some things are destined. You cannot cheat death. I have always said you can't escape death if your time is up. If your time is up, you have to go, whether you like it or not, whether you want to or not. I did not realize how true it is until the wacky bunch of CLL met again on Thur-17/1. My near brushes with death made me view it more seriously. My guardian angel must be protecting me for there cannot be too many coincidences in life. Honestly, I don't want to die so soon. There are some matters which I have yet to put a closure to. I will not be a happy ghost were I to die suddenly.

Education VI

2008-01-16T01:09:00.000+08:00

What the heck is wrong with education these days? We study not for the sake of gaining knowledge nor the thirst for it but for the sake of securing a job, a good job with a decent pay. It's been a mad house once school started and it's just the beginning of the school term. I am struggling to catch up on my readings which is more than I ever had. When I first started Uni, I thought to myself the only time I could really slow down and relax a little was during class time for it was only during class time that I didn't have to think about the unfinished work waiting for me. Ironic, yes but now that I'm faced with tons of readings, I am reminded of that little thought I had.

Ecarg wants to study forever and not work. WY wants to "rot and die" and not work. Mimi is stressed by the Singaporean and US/Australian students who do internships during their breaks even though it's not a Uni requirement. Whether it's due to peer pressure or the fierce competition we'd be facing in future, Mimi has decided to do an internship for the sake of building up her resume. Very sadly, society is losing itself in the paper chase and the search for the (greater) pot of gold. Elan is stressed by the thought of working especially as she wants to work in the CS and competition is stiff there. Ecarg has been out of the running. I wonder if I can get in. This time, I should blame myself if I don't get in for it is no one else's fault but mine for losing the golden opportunity.

If UMS gives us more time in a term to study, I would've enjoyed the learning process more. As it is, I am sacrificing knowledge for the sake of expediency: doing less readings than I would've otherwise. Right now, I complain like hell about school, about schoolwork but truth be told, I really love studying. Despite all tiredness, nothing beats a challenging class that is intellectually stimulating. At the moment, I want to study more and sleep more. Is there any way to reconcile that?

Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) V

2007-12-20T12:30:00.000+08:00

I'd said in "Heartache/Heartbreak", "I'm sorry I had to leave behind 一些值得珍惜，值得想念，值得疼的东西。" And so, I went back to see X and Sweet again. Sweet was stunned for a while when he saw me. As for X, she felt I'd never left her. But now, here I am again, in sunny little Singapore and there is X-so far away from me, I feel. X feels likewise. I wish I've more time with X, that my time is not so limited. 真是"人在江湖身不由己". I wish I can see X again soon.

This time, X only cried when she thought of my leaving. When it was finally time to say goodbye, we didn't cry. I'd told X not to cry when I leave this time. She managed to do it. We both did it. There are times of course, when we were tearful at parting but this time, we handled it better. Sure, we'd miss each other's company and warmth now since we were each other's shadow for this brief blip in time. Where am I going to buy another pair of hands that'll warm my hands in the cold of the winter's chill? X'd better find me a solution.

I told X to forget me when I leave. She stubborn refuses (and got angry at me). 既知相思苦,何必苦相思? Missing someone is hard. I wish life is simpler and it's easier to see X. "So it's cruel of God to let us meet by what he calls Fate and to tear us apart by what he calls Destiny."

Test

2007-11-05T22:25:00.000+08:00

Testing, testing, one, two, three.

There are various kinds and forms of tests. The above is a typical mike test. In education, we have the all-too-familiar writing and verbal tests to see our standard. Then there are physical tests for some to see if they can outrun the robbers who have just robbed them. In life, hardships are a test to both yourself and the ones around you. It is the last kind of test which I am contemplating about.

I have been and am constantly tested. Life itself is a test. To see how much a person can take before he breaks. To see how the weak become strong and the strong become weak. There is no point lamenting about the test(s) because this is your life and you alone have to face the test. No one else can overcome your test for you.

Hardships make good tests. Not only of myself, of my ability to overcome problems, of my determination and willpower, but also of the people are around me. You suddenly realize that in times of need, the people who seem to care actually don't. And the people who have always been in the background are the ones who will lend you support at this time. The gods test me and give me a chance to test others. I am tested for my willpower to endure difficult times; I test others for their steadfastness to stick with me in the difficult times. Tests are a perfect way to build trust, gain trust and also, break trust. The cloud of fog that makes you short-sighted in your judgment of others clear and you begin to see the world with clarity.

I do not recommend testing the people around you unless you can take the harsh reality in the event the test results turn out to be unfavourable. Painful as it is, I still test because I am Seeker. At the expense of being hurt by the truth because of expectations, I seek to know the truth. Only the truth is flawless. The rest is tainted.

My test disappointed me. I'd gone ahead with the test knowing there was a possibility my test could turn out bad results. I wanted to test because only by testing do you know who is true to you. Only by testing do you know who you can rely on in future without having to waste any more time thinking that you can rely on someone when that person is too weak to support you.

Mine was a conscious/purposeful test. Half the time, you don't have to conduct the test on purpose because the results will still be the same. The truth doesn't lie. Consciously/unconsciously/sub-consciously, you realize that the (purposeful or not) test results are the same: Who is there right now who wasn't there in the past won't be there for you in the future; who is there right now who wasn't there in the past can be there for you in the future; who is there right now who was there in the past won't be there for you in the future; who is there right now who was there in the past will also be there in the future.

When the next test comes, I will be there for you. When future tests come, will you be there for me?

风凉话

2007-10-28T11:12:00.000+08:00

It's so easy to walk the talk when you are the one talking the talk and setting the boundaries of the talk. When I got into UMS, I said "I don't think it's that difficult to get into Uni afterall". Ecarg's Mum said "你当然讲风凉话啦!你没有想到其他学生进不了嘛!" That put me in my place. In my joy at being admitted into Uni, I'd grown big-headed. I'd forgotten about the other 8 students who were rejected because I got in. I realized that Ecarg's Mum was right: 我在讲风凉话.

So when someone told me that he could work hard and enjoy life at the same time, it got me thinking. 他也在讲风凉话. He is just lucky to be in the industry that suits him and be in a high position. Think about it: Were he the lowest lifeform in the food chain (in the working industry), would he still be saying the same? I hardly think so. If anything, he would be slogging his life off and probably lamenting that he can't enjoy life. I wonder if he'll ever realize the position of the poor/struggling lower-class, and appreciate the rich-poor divide. I wonder if one day, he'll know that 他只是在讲风凉话. I really do wonder.

Many times, 我们也在讲风凉话, only we didn't realize. Humans are myopic, viewing things only from their own perspectives. That is ignorance. We talk about others using our own context. For example, "If I am living in such and such a way, I don't see why others can't". We do not see that because others have their own limitations which we do not, they are unable to live like us. We take others-with their limitations-and put them-with their limitations-in our world free from those limitations AND judge them based on the rules in our world. That, is myopic.

To see things from others' perspectives, combine them with your own perspectives to form a total understanding of the situation AND THEN judge based on the rules/restrictions in THEIR world, THAT, is a mark of wisdom, probably only a baby-step towards wisdom.

Giving Up III

2007-10-10T12:55:00.000+08:00

I have never seen myself as someone who gives up easily. I am a quietly determined person. Quietly determined to get what I want no matter what it takes, how it takes. Quietly determined and stubborn to pursue what I want relentlessly.

This term, I've been tormented by CAT. Someone said this: "School is like a lollipop. It sucks until it's gone." I cannot agree more with this. School-the birth and nesting ground for knowledge has become nothing more than a bad task master at times, driving us to meet deadlines AND cope with whatever modules it forces down our throat. At least UMS is like that.

I have been moaning about CAT since the time I started class. Prof admitted himself that this is not an easy module and right from the beginning, he warned us against taking up too many modules and overloading ourselves because CAT'd require us to fork out a lot of time. Logic is sometimes illogical. I got so sick of CAT that I was finally counting down to the time when lesson would be over. CAT was THAT bad. It got to a point when I became numbed and couldn't care less about CAT anymore. Even when I was failing my assignment. Even when I knew I'd fail my test. I gave up.

I'd said in "Giving Up", "But I did not know that giving up is not an easy task too." It seemed ages since I blogged that entry. To give up something precious, something which you hold dear, something else must come in place to replace the emptiness. Otherwise, it would be a seemingly futile attempt. I've given up TKD, the training which I so love. In its place, I'd put in perhaps something worthy for now. Eventually, I'll have to give this up too. If I give this up now, my life'd be void and empty. That, would be a cruelty I'd be doing to myself-ripping my own world apart now.

Sometimes, even though giving up is not an easy task, it may be the best alternative in a particular situation, painful as it is. Isn't it foolish to give up something which you've worked so hard for? Is it? I do not know how to give up. I can't give up. I don't want to give up. How does one give up so-and-so or such-and-such when it's become so entwined and so much a part of his life? If I could give up, I'd have done so long ago, before it merged into my living, my being, my life.

Loving More Than Loved II

2007-10-09T19:48:00.000+08:00

In "Loving More Than Loved", I talked about Numero Uno. I'd also mentioned what Elan said in the same entry-"like what Elan said, 'there's always someone else in front, something else more important, something or somebody that they are more willing to give to'."

Consciously, I never thought of being first. On a subconscious level, I might have. I was never first in class. I'd aimed to be one of the best academically but I was beaten by Yusof. I comforted myself by saying maybe it's not so bad to lose to him because at least I didn't lose myself in the process of trying to be first. The only academics whom I know who are first are X and Yod. In some sense, I was also first-in my own way, I was the first "scholar" in the family to do relatively well in school to get into Uni. But I'd thought that at the end of the day, it was pointless being first because that glory dissipates after a while, that happiness is not long-lasting.

In "Every Second Counts", Lance Armstrong said "When I had a Porsche, before the birth of my kids, College was always begging me to ease off the accelerator. I'd roar down the freeways, while he flinched in the passenger seat, white-knuckled and cussing in anger. "Son of a bitch!" he'd scream, "Slow down!" I'd just die laughing...In the old days I'd descend so fast, sometimes I'd catch cars. Now I don't need to, I just get down the mountain, because the fact that I have a family is in the back of my mind. You can't win a race on a descent, but you can lose one, and you can lose your life, too. I don't want to lose my life, all I have, on a mountainside."

To Lance Armstrong, before he got married, a life of action was Number One in his life; after he had his own family, his Number One priority was his family. That, in turn governed his actions accordingly. When he'd cancer, living was Number One. Everything in life took second place in the face of death.

When I thought about death not too long ago, the Number One thing I'd in mind was to feel liberated then. When I felt sick and broke out in cold sweat just now, I thought of Number One. Number One was in outer space, oblivious to what I was going through. I was obviously not Number One's One. I thought back to the time when I threw up half of my guts and saw black and felt like dying. I'd thought of my Number One then. I realized how right Elan was about there being only ONE one at any time. To quote from Elan again, "if you're not the Best then you're not it." In the face of death, everything else either loses its meaning or enhances its meaning. You are suddenly illuminated by the white light of God. If you put Number One and Four/Six together, and both are dying, unless you are Number One, you'll never be thought of. Because only Number One will get the attention, only Number One will be thought of. Everything else comes either later or even worse, last. Even Number Two comes after Number One is okay. I resolved NEVER to think of Number One again in the face of death. Unless I am that Number One.

I wish Elan is around to analyse this for me. Elan always has an explanation for this kind of things. But Elan is probably enjoying her sights in Kyoto right now.

Deserving, Undeserved, Well-deserved

2007-10-05T19:22:00.000+08:00

Back in China, when I was having nice and fanciful meals ever so often, the label given to me was “腐败”。I was enjoying life then, the only kind of life that I may be enjoying in a lifetime so I thought I might as well enjoy while I could. I knew I was “腐败” then but I thought what the heck. 今朝有酒今朝醉。

Dinner today was from some restaurant. I do not mind having nice and fanciful meals once in a while but when I recall what Ecarg said to me earlier, that she has not eaten for 2 days because of work, because she's busy, because she has no time/does not make time for eating instead of work, my contention with eating nice and fanciful meals ever so often reminded me of the phrase “腐败” again. You may have suffered before so it's time for you to enjoy now. I have but to wonder if "enjoy/enjoyment" is also “腐败”. You think it's well-deserved enjoyment; I think about those like Ecarg who are also deserving but undeserved perhaps. There are others who may think that your well-deserved enjoyment is undeserved.

Someone told me "The resources on earth are limited. So whilst you are enjoying yourself, someone somewhere is suffering for your enjoyment". You may say "So when someone else is enjoying, I was suffering for that person. So now I deserve what I have." So since the earth's resources are limited and you are enjoying, have you thought about those who are suffering? Are you sharing your enjoyment with them? Because 80% of the wealth on earth belongs to only 20% of the people on earth. So if you have plentiful resources now, have you spared a thought for the rest of the 80% who are suffering?

How does the gods, much less humans, decide who is the deserving, undeserved, well-deserved? Is well-deserved enjoyment “腐败”? How do we define deserving, undeserved, well-deserved? The lines are blurred.

Perhaps I have a bone to pick with the undeserved/well-deserved who have over-deserved because the deserving have been deprived of their chance at this world. I got upset because life itself is never fair.

The Irony Of Opposites

2007-09-29T13:48:00.000+08:00

There is no love without hate, no good without evil, no strength without weaknesses. One cannot exist without the other. This is the irony of opposites.

It is because of the limited time that I have that I cherish the time I do have (more). It is because of my limitations that I do not mind taking a little suffering, a little more pain, a little more hardship which I would've complained in other (normal) circumstances. I don't like the limitations but because of their presence, I begin to appreciate things which I would otherwise have taken for granted.

Isn't life ironic?

Loving More Than Loved

2007-09-24T23:40:00.000+08:00

This is related to Elan's blog entry of "Number One". In fact, I was thinking about this issue the very week that she made an entry on this topic. Numero Uno. Number One. What does it mean?

The connotation would be that someone is the first. Yes, it means being Number One, being in the first place, taking top priority, no matter what the situation or position is-that person will always be Number One.

Elan ranted "This is not the first time people say no, its not possible, I'm sorry or just taper off silently. But I'm tired of getting disappointed. I have no idea what's wrong but there's always someone else in front, something else more important, something or somebody that they are more willing to give to. Humans have limited resources and time to give to the many people around them. So things like ranking 4th, 5th or 6th, which by rights shouldn't matter altogether becomes more important because every passing moment you can only chose One, and if you're 4th or 6th, you're never gonna be chosen. Maybe they will say, next time, but next time, there will again be only One place and if you're not the Best then you're not it."

I agree that humans have limited resources and time and everyone has his/her priorities. I know 为了亲情,友情和爱情, I can sacrifice a lot. I can even sacrifice my life if need be. I accept that not everyone is like me, able/willing to sacrifice their life. Not even people whom you've known for a long time or whom you've forged deep relationships with. I do not ask that they sacrifice their life for me. However, the fact that I am ranked "4th or 6th" starts bugging me in the face of rejection because like what Elan said, "there's always someone else in front, something else more important, something or somebody that they are more willing to give to." You may be my Number One but you may not treat me likewise. I start wondering if I'm shortchanging myself, if I'm a fool for loving more than I am being loved. I start looking at my relationships and I realize that in few instances do I actually receive more love than I give in those relationships. Should I continue to love in those relationships in which I give more than I receive? Or should I switch to focusing my energies on those relationships in which I receive more love than I give? Since I only have this amount of resources and time and I cannot possibly split myself into a million pieces and spend time and effort with EVERYONE. Love's equation seems to be likened to a cost-benefit analysis.

Elan's "You can have quite a few people caring about you but nobody caring enough. You can't say that you're cast of by the world, that nobody gives a damn about you and wallow in self pity because, when push comes to the shove, people care, people crowd around to help and yes, they make you feel better. They make you feel wanted and cared for. But I wish it wasn't always only when I'm in trouble/illness, because I want to live my life free of troubles/illness."

It is true that even though you are "4th or 6th", people will still show you concern, albeit not as much as you would love to receive. I know if anything untoward happens to me, it is a given that the people who rank me One will be more devastated than the ones to whom I am "4th or 6th". And so, it naturally follows that the ones to whom you are One will feel the loss deeper than the rest. I wish I didn't have to think bad things about myself when I think about the people who love me but like Elan, I've realized that it's only when bad things happen do people really show you they care. Everyone just takes everyone else for granted. And yes, there is nobody caring enough save those to whom you are One.

Education V

2007-09-23T20:26:00.000+08:00

I can feel it again. The rising of stress. The anxiety my heart feels. That impatience. Somehow, the first term of Year 2 feels like the first term of Year 1. Maybe it's the "first term of the school year" feeling. Maybe it's the weather that reminds me of this time lsat year. Maybe it's the difficulty of the schoolwork which I'm facing that gives rise to this feeling.

This time, when I return to school, minor changes have taken place. I've changed and so have the things around me. I no longer follow the same old habits of the past. I do not eat proper lunches as I used to so often. In fact, I don't eat and exercise so regularly as I used to in the past year. My head creaks when I turn it sideways. A sign of old age? Or just an indication of the stress/work that I'm facing?

I was miserable on Thur-20/9 after CAT. My face looked like it'd been run over by a truck. So much so that GT and SK told me to go take a walk around before FL if I needed to. CAT never fails to make me feel miserable. I always feel miserable during and after CAT. Frankly speaking, I've never felt so miserable since Stats. Stats and CAT-these two go hand in hand and isn't it amazing that they rhyme? *sarcastic smile*

CAT made me feel like crap and look like crap. Elan said after so many years of studying, she has realized that there are no intelligent people. It's whether you are in the right field. If you are in the right field, you will be good and can even be a genius at it. Different people are good at different things. Yes, I cannot imagine Beethovan or Mozart or Pavorotti coming up with some computer program, nor Einstein and Newton composing great classical mucic pieces. Elan's words are a shot in the arm when I was wondering why I, who used to do so well in school, is struggling in university. I started to doubt myself. I started thinking that other students are cleverer than me. Yes, CAT affected my self-esteem and made me feel stupid. It's ironic that a star pupil feels stupid. Elan said she is not good at Science and if she were to do Science, she'd have quit after 2 months of studying. Elan understands what I am going through because she's experienced it before. She just gave up and her prof "was pissed at her". Haha.

I agree with Elan that there is no point for students to take modules which are outside their major for the sake of a "well-rounded education" when they are obviously not cut out for it. Does it serve any purpose when at the end of the day, the Arts students are NOT going to go into Science or apply any of what they learnt from those Science modules which have tormented them so during their schooling years? We should just specialize early.

I've accepted the fact that practically every term, there'll be some stupid module which I've to take which I won't/will hardly be applying in my work in future AND which is out to torture me for the 1 entire school term that I'm taking it. Yes, I accept that. Yet, I still try to understand what is being taught. I desperately struggle to understand. There are students who are willing to do assignments, research papers, projects for other students for a fee. Earlier on, JZ told me of her intention to "buy" a project so she needn't spend the time and effort learning coding and creating a lousy program which will eventually garner a lousy grade. Yesterday, she told me that her groupmates welcome the idea of "buying" the project and that there is another group in her class which is asking her for her contact so they can also "buy" a project. What has UMS-a business school done to its students? We are famous for business courses and this is "outsourcing" learnt in the classroom. *sarcarstic smile* If I were rich and had millions to burn, I'd have "outsourced" my CAT assignments and other crappy stuff which are making/will make my Uni life hell. Afterall, I will NOT be applying Stats or CAT to my work, considering how awful I am at them and I'm certain no employer'd want me to use what I learnt in Stats or CAT in their work too, considering how awful I am at them. It's been suggested that it may be a good idea to outsource my assignments. But I am not rich and I do not want to give up like Elan. I am reduced to copying homework.

I don't know how I'm going to pass my CAT mid-term. Seriously, I think I'll just get a zero for the test. Maybe I should give up on CAT and just focus on other modules. The worst thing that can happen is to worry over several things at one time instead of just one thing a time. It depletes your energy too much and creates too much negativity. I do not have the energy or patience to humour people who behave childishly, no matter who they are. It expends too much of my energy and time at a time when I am feeling stressed, when I am feeling impatient. When I walk on the streets, I clench my teeth and fists, itching for a fight, raring to lash out at anyone who tries to be funny with me. It takes a spark to set off a bomb. I try to keep my self-control but I find my patience running thin. I am ready to let loose and waiting for someone, anyone to offer himself to me as a punching bag.

Heartache/Heartbreak

2007-09-16T16:41:00.000+08:00

What has 3 months done to me? What is 3 months? What is time when day passes into day and night fades into night? 3 months. Time loses meaning in the face of extremity-happiness and pain. 3 months. That's all it took to change my life.

How time has flown! In 3 months, apprehension changed to enjoyment and turned to love. In 3 months, an unconscious transformation was taking place within me. It was unexpected. Maybe subconsciously, I knew I was going to miss BJ. My reaction when I finally left BJ-I didn't expect that too. When I wanted to say my parting words to Sweet, I found that I couldn't speak. All I could do, all I did was to reach out to Sweet and caress Sweet like I did so often over the past days.

When X left me, she was crying. Yes, what has 3 months done to her (too)? 3 months-it is neither too long nor too short. When I was going to leave BJ, when I felt that I was going to leave X not knowing when I'd next to see her again, that I was only starting to know X, alas! time was not on my side. I did not want to leave. Yes, there wouldn't be that kind of intense bonding that I shared with X when X was around me so often.

Big Gal said it's the quality of time that matters, not the quantity. Why then, do I wish for more time-to spend with Sweet, with X, with BJ? Why then, did I feel that time was running out for me when I'd to leave?

I wish I could've said something clever when X was crying. She said I made her cry. Sorry, X. I did not mean to make you cry. But you should know too that parting is such sweet sorrow not just for you alone.

As I desperately grabbed those last few private moments with X, I wished I could stay but I'd to leave. When I bade her goodbye for the final time, I knew deep down that had I stayed longer, my heart'd have been broken. Maybe it was good for me to leave when I did. However much I wanted to stay on. What X gave me can't be bought with money and because I was touched by X's effort, time and thoughts, I could not stop crying.

Sweet waits outside my door everyday now. I want so much to see X and Sweet again. I accept that some events/people in life only come into your life for a time but don't I even have a chance to let the good feelings remain for as long as possible? I must see X and Sweet again. I'm sorry I had to leave behind 一些值得珍惜，值得想念，值得疼的东西。I hope it won't be long before I see the things that are dear to me again. I hope I can see the things that are dear to me again. Otherwise, my heart'd break.

Accomodating/Being Stepped On And Over

2007-03-04T23:22:00.000+08:00

I can be infinitely patient when it comes to love but it's a different story when it's with strangers. Even in accomodating a loved one, it doesn't necessitate patience in all circumstances. Maybe the closer you get to someone, the more that cordiality you accord to strangers gets eroded. Since familiarity breeds contempt, the loved one gets shouted at more and more often than strangers.

We don't mind being stepped on and over in life by total strangers. "Our work requires it", It's an ugly side of life we've to accept, like it or not" we tell ourselves. When strangers step on us, literally or not, we do not think too much about it. If, after stepping on us, they say "sorry", we smile at them and say "It's okay". An irony of life. We are polite and all smiling to strangers yet leave the most emotional scars on our loved ones. So we accomodate strangers and step on/over our loved ones. Maybe it goes two ways: Being cordial to your loved one guarantees a higher chance that that cordiality would be appreciated and thus reciprocated. If a lover apologises to the beloved after stepping, any anger/irritation at being stepped on on the part of the beloved tends to dissipate more easily.

Ethics

2006-12-23T10:42:00.000+08:00

I asked the vegetable seller at the dry market how much the bunch of vegetables cost. She was talking to a woman and then went on to serve an older woman in her 50s. Asked again how much that bunch of vegetables cost and she went on to serve that woman she was talking to. THAT WOMAN HAD AN ENTIRE BASKETFUL OF VEGETABLES. I, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAD ONLY ONE BUNCH OF VEGETABLES. This sounds ridiculous and I cannot imagine myself talking about such senseless things. Anyway, that woman was nice and told the vegetable seller to serve me first as I only had ONE BUNCH OF VEGETABLES (vs ONE BASKETFUL OF VEGETABLES). I made up my mind to not buy vegetables from that vegetable seller again. The wet market has plenty of vegetable stalls and if I'm not happy with the attitude/service of one, I can always patronise another vegetable stall. Ah, the wonders of elastic demand and monopolistic competition.

The vegetable seller is unethical. What is this? Just because I'm not as old as those old folksies doesn't warrant me being served last though I came first. Talk about first come first served. If I were more mature, I'd have told myself that I can't really fault uneducated people for being uncouth, uncivilised, ungentlemanly, unethical etc, let the matter rest and 不跟这些闲杂人等一般见识.

When I parted with Ms Ng some time back, she was flagging a cab and someone else cut the queue (there were others waiting for cabs apart from Ms Ng) and took Ms Ng's cab. How unethical, was Ms Ng's expression of disgust. Another cab came and Ms Ng stood back to let the people some distance in front of her who'd been waiting for a cab before her to take that cab.

Ster said she was impressed with a particular club's bouncer when he refused entry to a Caucasian lady who was making a scene when she was denied access to the club because the club'd reached its maximum capacity. Ster was impressed because the bouncer did not look at the Caucasian lady as being superior to him, gave her preferential treatment and allowed her access to the club. Ster was impressed that the bouncer did not compromise on his and the club's ethics.

Ethics, yes. Even in everyday life, simple acts go a long way to showing how ethical/unethical a person one is. I cannot help but say that I am disgusted with unethical people who scheme and lie, stoop to underhand means to get what they want or are just plain ungentlemanly or ungracious. Where have all the ethics/morals/values of the past disappeared to? I lament that in today's cutthroat world of business politics and politicking, 为了明哲保身,有些人会毫不犹豫地把自己的幸福建立在别人的痛苦上. I understand that the line between and white and black is sometimes blurred but still, I lament this lamentable fate of the world-the result of the evolvement of the world.

I'm admittedly not the best person to propound ethics, morals and values for I too, am flawed in my own way like anyone else and probably more so than some. However, I am resolutely grounded in my principles and beliefs.

Running (Away)

2006-11-28T13:20:00.000+08:00

There are many kinds of running. One is like No Doubt's "Running" in which one is running all the time, running to the future, holding the hand of your loved one so you don't get separated. Another kind is the one I'm familiar with in the course of my studies. The pursuit of the paperchase. Running with the rest of the mice in a rat race. Running so hard sometimes I become tired and fatalistic but not being able to slow down because of the system. Running away from problems, everything, everyone, the world aka escapism is yet another type of running. The last kind is real physical running.

I was never a fast runner. I'm still not. But over the years, I've trained up my stamina and speed. I am definitely a better runner than before and have come to enjoy jogging which I never did before. Is this a sign that given the choice, I'd run away? Maybe I'm reading too much into my emotions and/or mind.

Sometimes, I am so aweary of the world I just want to run away. Like Everclear's "Wonderful", "Some days, I hate everything/I hate everything/Everyone and everything". I'd like to shake off my past, shake off everything and everyone in it, shake off the world. Sometimes, I feel like Linkin Park's "Runaway": "I wanna run away/Never say goodbye/I wanna know the truth/Instead of wondering why/I wanna know the answers/No more lies/I wanna shut the door/And open up my mind".

Have you ever felt like running away? I know I'm not the only one who feels like running away when the world seems too heavy a burden. Em said after running away, we've to come back and face the problem. I guess there are only certain places where you can find solace, where you can hide away and the world can't find you. Maybe "running away" doesn't mean "running away" from the world but from yourself. One can never run away from himself or his shadow.

Education IV

2006-10-26T07:00:00.000+08:00

A few people have told me that I need a break. I tried slowing down. Wanted to give up those "A"s for something lesser, maybe "C"s instead. Since I couldn't stop, I slowed down for a few days. I only wanted to take a slower pace but I'm deprived of even that choice. I have no choice but to keep on running after slowing down for a few days. I just need 1-2 weeks of PURE GOLD HOLIDAYS to recharge before I can charge ahead at full steam again. Was already three-quarters burnt out by mid-term. Now that mid-term is over, I didn't have my mid-term break, and I can't even slow down although I want to and I'm forced to continue charging, I'm bitten by the "give-up" virus again. It was Elan who was attacked by that deadly virus earlier on. Fatalism is a fatalistic bug.

Elan said I should focus on one thing at a time. I suddenly feel overwhelmed by school(work) again and I can feel the stress rising up to my chest again. I probably will start becoming short-tempered again. The level of stress is so bad it's unhealthy! I feel like crying, I feel like throwing up, I want to run away but I am rooted at the same spot and I've to keep on running. I want to throw up.

I'm sleeping few hours everyday. I'm changing my sleeping pattern and sleeping earlier so I can wake up earlier to study instead of studying late into the night. Very soon, I'll be waking up at 4am to study before I go to school. I don't know what kind of a life I'm living now. It doesn't seem alright. Doesn't seem normal.

Luckily I'm doing something I have interest in. (And I'm already feeling fatalistic.) Elan said that if I were doing Engineering, I'd probably have quit school by now. She is right. I'm (so) sick of the term I just want it to end.

I just want to have a good long rest. I just want to crash out and burn.

I am becoming a moaner.

Education III

2006-10-14T00:04:00.000+08:00

I am so unhappy that now, my schedule is even tighter than before and I have lesser personal time. I wonder if I am willing to give up the so-called "success" defined not by me but by society for a slower pace of life. This is a familiar question I've asked myself before. I think I'll be happier to settle for something lesser than to keep on going and burning myself out. I want to do the things I like, take things at MY pace, not at others' pace. MY pace may not necessarily be slower than what I'm forced to stomach. Sometimes, it's slow; sometimes fast. MY pace is more like the "Interval" training program on the treadmill. When I am tired, I slow down. When I catch my breath, I'll catch up. Right now, there's no time/room for slowing down. I am so unhappy that I have to keep on running without slowing down for a bit. I can't enjoy what I'm studying at all even though I have the interest. I'm so unhappy that I'm studying for the sake of studying now and I can't enjoy what I'm studying.

It's by no thanks to LTB/CSP that I'm feeling so tired/drained now that my energy level for the rest of the race has plunged. I try to do what I can with whatever energy I have left now but I know it's not quality work anymore.

These days, I notice something odd about myself. When things become too much for me to take, my mind starts to shut down. When that happens, I don't do anything at all which one will not expect coming from me. When I look back, I feel that the person who exhibited that behaviour is NOT the normal me. It feels like another person altogether. It's not as though I consciously refuse to do work. It feels more like my mind shutting down completely and something else is taking over me. It's psychology, I know. That the mind shuts down and allows me to hide away.

How much more can I take? How many more times is my mind going to shut down before I break? If I'm going to break, that is. I think I'll feel extreme relief when everything is over.

Everclear's "Wonderful" has this part: "Close my eyes when I go to bed/And I dream of angels who make me smile/I feel better when I hear them say/Everything will be wonderful someday". I just want to hide away in my guardian angel, hide away from this (cruel) world.

Education II

2006-10-13T00:24:00.000+08:00

I'd said in "Education": "It is time to stretch and grow." Indeed, I am stretching my waking hours and growing my eyebags. I've become fatalistic because of Uni.

We have all got sick of LTB/CSP. SaNi and Christi left at 6pm as they said they would after Lolipop Gal left. Lolipop Gal was driving us (crazy). From the time she walked in (with her black face), we started doing work. Really. Clarenz felt he couldn't breathe and felt the feeling of 脑冲血 even though he looked pale. Think he looks pale these days because he doesn't sleep enough. Mel was quiet but when Lolipop Gal left, gone was her cultured disposition. Old Lee switched off Lolipop Gal's channel totally. I had to leave behind someone dear. And then my heart started pounding from the pressure until I reached home and drank some wine to calm the pounding heart. The pounding continued but this time from the wine I drank. If I do get a heart attack, it'll be from LTB. My heart was pounding from the pressure for a continuous few hours. Mel and Old Lee had gone off to get drunk after they left.

More "F**K"s were heard in the past 1 week than at any time. Old Lee has stated his stand clearly. He's not going to compromise his other modules for LTB anymore. Same for me. Old Lee's Stats has suffered. He'd a Stats test on last Sat-7/10 and all the crap started on last Fri-6/10. Poor Old Lee. Plus he had no time to prepare for his PS project at all and it's not fair to his partner. Same for me. LTB has taken up too much time. People are sick of LTB-you can see it from their attitude. Screw Agenda and Minutes. Screw CSP. Screw LTB.

When I got home, I drank wine while watching a local production. I've NOT watched a local production for AGES since most of them are not appealing. After that, I did something else I enjoy doing. Then I went to drink some more. THAT, is not me. When I think back on the recent happenings, I do not see the person who didn't do ANYTHING after getting home as ME. It feels like another person. This is psychology, I know. The mind has shut down and can't execute the normal, daily behaviour of the person. I can't believe Uni has made me reach the stage where my mind has shut down. What's next? Insanity seems to be on the tables.

What's the lesson learnt? The last straw that breaks the camel's back. There's only so much someone can take. The rest of the team are half-hearted with LTB now and are unwilling to sacrifice any more sleep, personal time and other modules for just LTB. My mind had shut down. If I'm pushed any further, maybe I'll get a heart attack or go insane.

In TKD, we were pushed to and over the limit. And we grew from the experience. But why do I feel that for studies, if the stress gets too much, a heart attack and insanity seem to be in the cards? I will still continue to take in the stress but I seriously have no idea what my threshold is, which the last straw is. If I finally cave in, it'll be a rude awakening to all around me. I'm becoming fatalistic because of Uni.

Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) IV

2006-10-10T01:38:00.000+08:00

It is only when we realise that someone we love is going to leave us that we feel fear, apprehension, pain, sorrow etc.

If I fall in love with someone, afterwhich this person has to leave me behind, I'll blame him/her. "It's all your bloody fault for making me fall in love with you! For making me want to rely on you so much. What am I going to do when you're not around? It's all your bloody fault. Yes, you and you and you. It's all your fault."

The tears that fall then, are a mixture of sorrow at loss and happiness at the times spent. Is it good to know when your time in this world is done? I think not. You scare yourself unnecessarily and the ones around you. I don't know which is better: To know when you are going to die so you can better plan the rest of your days and live life to the fullest. Or to NOT know when your doomsday is and live out the last day without the cloud of fear and worry of the approaching death hanging over you. You decide.

Until we feel that we are truly going to lose someone we love do we realise what we've been taking for granted. But God, I did NOT take things for granted once I realised how precious they mean to me! I do not think the Higher Powers That Be will entertain any bargaining. But if they can attend to my request, I'll be thanking my lucky stars a thousand times over until they burn out. The more I feel that I'm going to lose someone I love, the more I want to hold on. Kamisama, Mou Sukoshi Dake! [God, Please Give Me More Time!]

So it's unfair of you to step into my life then leave me behind, unfair for the Supreme Being to take away people I love even though I DON'T take them for granted, unfair for God to let us meet by what he calls Fate and to tear us apart by what he calls Destiny.

Education

2006-10-01T00:07:00.000+08:00

Elan was attacked by the give-up virus again. Elan said: "The reason why I am feeling so stressed over school is because I don't enjoy studying. So I must find a way to enjoy it. I can't vouch for not feeling panic once more. But right now what I think is, I must make it a natural rather than a forced act. For me studying now is a forced act. Like I'm born to do it. So that I won't feel the stress."

I cannot say I am much better than Elan for I have been suffering from sleep deprivation. Every time I open my mouth, I talk about sleep and I sound like a broken recorder. Sleep is such a luxury. It is a truth I've subscribed to since my Sec school days.

I was so sick of school earlier that I just wanted to get out of school. The feeling of running away is what is familiar to Elan and I. Thank God I had somewhere to run to. Thank God for small favours.

About the "give-up virus", I have also been afflicted by it albeit in a minor way. I have given up on the Soc Sci forums. They have just gone plain crazy. Period.

There's also the lack of time in Uni. I do not seem to have enough time to do the things I want now. I wish I've more time to spend on things I want to do (or sleep more) but I can't help but say that Uni is sucking the living daylights out of all of us. I always feel tired, either mildly or more. Can't believe it whenever my alarm clock rings. It is without fail that I take 10 minutes to roll out of bed after the alarm rings. Kamisama, Mou Sukoshi Dake! [God, Please Give Me More Time!] Wanted to study after lunch yesterday-30/9 but I came into the room and plonked right onto my bed and slept for 3h straight. I must really be tired. I seldom, if ever, sleep 3h for a nap.

I have got sick of school. I am so tired of, from, because of school that I look forward towards Friday every week. Initially, I only started asking "When is the weekend coming" from every Wednesday. Now, I ask that question from Tuesday, when the week has only started. Oh god! I need to get a life. I'll be thanking my lucky stars and all the gods and a couple of lesser known deities at the end of this 4 years if and when I manage to survive it.

Why has the education degenerated to this? Education should be fun and fufilling, enriching one's life. Instead, it has turned into a demon with effective slave-driving tools.

What is education really? Is the Uni degree just a piece of paper which will help me get a good job after this 4 years? Or is there something more to this piece of paper? As I looked at the students mugging away on Wed-28/9 morning on the benches, I asked myself how many of them have thought about what education means to them. What they want to achieve in this 4 years. What they want to achieve out of life. Many of us are so busy focusing on what needs to be done now that we lose sight of what's further (and greater). This piece of paper cannot and should not be just a piece of paper that provides job security. This piece of paper cannot and should not be a means to an end or an end itself. Rather, it should be the means to another means.

I re-evaluated what this 4 years of Uni life will mean to me and know that there has to be something more to education that that piece of paper. I'll be shortchanging myself if I don't get anything out of this 4 years other than a piece of paper. It is time to stretch and grow. To learn as much as I can. To get more than knowledge-life skills which I can carry with me for life.

Love, Hate (+Hurt) III

2006-09-12T06:05:00.000+08:00

Ms Ng had said that humans are all created with the capacity to love. We also want to be loved. The need to love and the need to be loved is there. I'd said in "Love, (Hurt,) Hate": "To love because of a need implies that the love is tempered with a selfishness." It would seem then that it is because of a self-seeking, self-serving interest that humans give love. Ms Ng said that sometimes, when we don't get the right love, even bad love will do.

We hear stories of the lonely, desolate, distressed, depressed, depraved breaking down and crying when they say they experience God's love. Isn't this a case of "when we don't get the right love, even bad love will do"? Any kind of love will suffice for humans, even bad love. Bad love is sad. To have seen the ugliness of this world and then be touched by a love, any kind of love-it is natural that humans will be overwhelmed by emotions. It need not necessary be God's love.

To walk to the end of the spectrum of extreme emotions and then come back, it is strange how apart from touching and reaching out to the/a soul, this/a love can hurt. Guess that's why the wretched cry when they say they experience God's love. Because they feel hurt simultaneously. It is incomprehensible how a love can soothe while bringing with it a sense of bitter(sweet)ness, sorrow, pain and anguish.

Longing II

2006-09-07T13:34:00.000+08:00

In War And Beauty, there was a conversation among the Ladies-in-waiting. Regarding serving the Emperor one of the Ladies-in-waiting said: "Gentle but not passive. Active but restrained. It's good to be shy. But still you have to flirt a bit. That's between denial and acceptance." The Lady was creating a thrill within the Emperor in the longing for her.

I do not advocate having a glimpse of what can never be, what can never happen, what you can never have because then arises longing. Longing stems from a need although at first instance, it may seem to have stemmed from a want instead. But no, longing boils down to a need, Man's basic and primal, animalistic instinct to dominate, own, possess. To give and receive.

It is indeed cruel to be filled with the desire and then denied your wish. To long.

Conscience

2006-09-02T13:57:00.000+08:00

Prof asked yesterday if we have a remote control which button when pressed, would cause all the SUN profs to fall dead, if we would choose to press the button. There would be NO consequences ie. the authorities will not come after you. He'd give us a pill that would take away any feelings of guilt. Would you do it?

Interesting question. If we've a pill that will erase any emotions that we have when we press the button, so that there's nothing to hold us back from pressing the button, essentially that's no different from a robot killing someone.

What if there's no pill? Would you still kill all the SUN profs if there are no consequences? You may think that there's no benefit in killing SUN profs. If I say there's a distant relative who's filthy rich and he will leave you his inheritance, will you do it? Interesting. Some people actually say yes.

The point is most others feel that the act of killing people is morally wrong. There's something inside that tells us it's wrong, that holds us back from performing evil deeds, that prevents us from killing people. It's the sense of right and wrong, the sense of moral justice, our conscience.

I know that much as I hate or dislike certain people, people who've hurt me before, people who've made me suffered, I will not take revenge given the chance to do so. I cannot see myself pushing them off the edge of a cliff when they are struggling to maintain a foothold. Another instance would be escaping from a sinking ship. You want to abandon the ship but you feel an obligation, a calling to stay behind and help the ones onboard who are still trying to get out of the ship. In both scenarios, conscience is at work. Conscience is the force that prevents you from 落井下石 when you see your old enemies struggling. Conscience is the hand that stops you from leaving the sinking ship, leaving the rest of the passengers in lurch and pulls you back to help them leave the ship safely. Conscience is innate. Conscience sometimes will kill you. Conscience sometimes can save you too-save you from yourself.

Time Is Of The Essence

2006-08-27T00:24:00.000+08:00

School has started. I have embarked on my Uni life. Feel that I'm in a pressure cooker once school started. I keep on looking at the time every since school started. Even when I was talking to close ones I keep on looking at the time. I dislike it immensely. Feel like I'm a businessman under time constraint all the time, always in a race against time. That I've to keep on looking at the time and "delete" play/fun/personal time and "insert" work. I'm cutting out/cutting short conversations or what I want to say with the ones who matter to me in exchange for more time. It's an expense on personal relationships and it's saddening.

Feel that I've so many things to do but so little time. That 24h a day is not enough. I keep on praying that I've more time to do all that has to be done but my prayers are unanswered (I think).

Boon in Sec school once said: "Time is what you make of it". I thought it was meaningful. I don't have time but I make time. So when someone offers you his time, grab it. Especially when it's someone whose experiences you can learn from, someone whose bank of knowledge you can draw upon. Most of the time, I don't give two hoots about this too much. As long as I am comfortable with someone, I will spend my time with him.

To know the value of time, one should ask a runner who came in second place in a race. The difference between a gold medal and a silver one is a split second's difference. I, of all people should know this better since being able to kick faster than your opponent gives you an edge in competitions. Still, I don't seem to treasure my time and have to admit that I do procrastinate at times.

I have just wasted a number of minutes (not sure how many) of my life blogging this entry and I shall never get those seconds back again. Someone once said: "Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted". Fine. I am torn between wasting my time and wasting away my relationships. I would like to spend more time with people whom I care about but I can't afford to. Before I know it, their time or my time would be gone and what's left are only regrets.

What Goes Around Comes Around

2006-08-16T14:39:00.000+08:00

The world is your mirror. Where have I heard it before? How you treat others, others will treat you the same in return. What goes around comes around.

I am touched so I reciprocate with love. I've been torched by cold fire before so I felt like burning. I hurt so I hurt in return. It is natural. A natural order of things.

Negativity is not bred overnight. It is callousness, carelessness, a lack of dignity and respect that birth negativity. Any kind of negativity. I do not believe there are born psychopaths. Neither is hate a result of one unpleasant event. There is only so much a person can tolerate. When pushed over the limit and he snaps, it'll not be easy trying to reverse the change.

I DETEST being dared. When pushed, I will not hesitate to take drastic action. Desperate people do desperate things. Likewise, when feelings are stoked to a boiling intensity, demons are/will be unleashed.

Trust II

2006-08-15T23:08:00.000+08:00

How do you trust in someone you find hard to? How can you keep on trusting when promises have been broken one time too many? It takes a long time to build up trust and it doesn't take a lot to break it. How then, can one break trust which has been built up so easily? To treat it carelessly and break it with indifference? I don't understand.

I want to trust but after too many empty words, everything is a lie. 我已经心灰意冷了.

Dreaming II

2006-08-07T13:22:00.000+08:00

In "Red Sky In The Morning", there was a part where Anna dreamt of Ben after he died. Anna woke up crying because the grief felt fresh and raw then. Then she went back to sleep. When she woke up in the morning, she felt normal. The grief was gone.

Elan said the feeling is in-between waking and sleeping. When you are asleep or just woke up from a dream you're not fully awake yet, like you are in a state of drunkedness. Sometimes you are very affected by certain emotions. Then after you wake up fully, the emotions are not there anymore. It is, according to Anna, like "a crack in the wall", and in Elan's words, "a glimpse into your feelings".

When you are asleep or just woke up, sometimes it's not fully awake and things you've dreamt still affect you or you stay in a certain emotion you experienced in your dream. For example, if in your dream, you are sad, you feel the heaviness and sadness; you'll be crying; maybe you have tears in your eyes. When you are fully awake, the feeling's gone. It's like a state of drunkedness. Things that you feel, you say and do are real and not real at the same time. Real because it comes from deep within. Not real because you're not fully in control, you're not conscious of what you're doing. Elan thinks that it's part of our subconscious. Elan said in Anna's case her grief is real and maifests this way. It is a way for her to also get over it by expressing it-in a dream state. Elan said that in such cases maybe one should think about what he felt and what it meant instead of brushing it off like a lot of people do. When you're subconsciously expressing something it tells you about yourself...more than what you can see in real life consciously. Because when you're doing it consciously you may choose to repress a certain part of yourself. For example maybe in front of your enemies you don't want to show any weakness, so you show a very strong exterior. But it doesn't mean you have no weaknesses at all. Consciousness is a choice.

I wondered about recurring dreams of a loved one dying/who's dead. I feel it's grief, part of grieving, of the mind trying to let go in the form of dreams. Recurring dreams probably means that one can't let go of the death. Elan thinks complicated. She said it's very weird. Some people think it's paranormal. Some people see it as grief or remembrance.

Elan is such an intellectual friend I think if I die before her, I'll just continue those mental challenges, verbal sparring, intellectual debates/discussions by coming back as a ghoul in her dreams. Haha.

Parental Love

2006-07-19T18:30:00.000+08:00

In "Desperate Housewives 2", when Andrew got back at his Mum, Bree, Bree drove Andrew to the middle of nowhere, dumped him there with his bag of clothes and some money and told him to get a job himself. She'd essentially abandoned her son. Because she said she was not strong enough to take care of him.

Strangely, as I saw how Andrew initially pleaded with his Mum not to leave him, I felt for him. Looking critically at Andrew and his relationship with his Mum, rebellious as he was, Andrew was only a pitiable kid who had sought that understanding from his Mum, that motherly love which he could never get. Bree of course loved him in the best way she knew but that wasn't what he was looking for. Or rather, the way that she loved him was not the way that he wanted nor needed. So he rebelled. It's sad. In the end, she abandoned him. Much as Andrew disliked/hated his Mum, ultimately, he still pleaded with her not to leave him behind.

A tiger will never eat its cubs. I cannot exactly understand how parents can give up on their children. Even beasts seem to have more love than humans for their young. Some parents can't parent their kids well and the State has to do it for them. To a certain extent, these parents have failed. But it depends on the circumstances too. Like in Desperate Housewives 2, Caleb killed a girl because he was unstable. Betty had him locked up in the basement to save him from being taken away by the police and put in a mental institution. She was even going to kill him. Another form of parental love. One which I cannot comprehend.

Then there are parents who aren't parents at all. Biological parents maybe. But not parent parent. That is, the kind that showers love on his kids. Lance Armstrong is one good example. He never treated his biological Dad as his Dad. Can't blame him. His only family is his Mum who raised him single-handedly from a baby. I always feel that if one wants to have children, he/she should be prepared for the sacrifices and be prepared to be a good parent. Otherwise, don't have a kid.

On the other hand, there are also parents who aren't parents at all. A good example would be foster parents. Non-biological parents. These are people who (can) love you as their own child even though there are absolutely no blood ties. I find it hard to understand this kind of parental love.

Some parents try hard to be good parents but fall short. For instance, parents who work so hard that they don't spend quality time with their children who end up distancing from them. In another example, parents who are either too lax or too rigid in their parenting approch. It is indeed hard to strike the perfect balance to 要严,但也要带爱.

There are parents whose parental love come only in the form of harsh love. In Mitch Albom's "The Five People You Meet In Heaven", Eddie craved for his Dad's love since he was a boy. But the only love his Dad dealt him, was capable of giving him, was harsh love. Even then, in heaven, Eddie still coveted that fatherly love which he never had.

There are still great parents. Parents who do their utmost best to bring up their kids. To jaw-dropping extent by normal standards. Such is the greatness of parental love.

Giving Up II

2006-07-19T18:05:00.000+08:00

I said before that giving up is not an easy thing to do. Indeed so. When it comes to a passion, I have difficulty giving up. I read in an article about love that "The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go".

I tried to give up. But I don't know how to. Can't seem to. Don't seem to want to either. I don't know if I should let go painfully or hold on stubbornly. It was with a sinking heart when I packed up and decided to shut the door to my passion and be numb to the sense of loss. But if there's a chance that I don't have to give up, I'd grab hold of it. Passions are not easy to give up.

Thinking II

2006-07-19T17:37:00.000+08:00

Mimi was talking about a friend who "whined" to Mimi about how she doesn't have money. When Mimi went out with her, she realised why that friend doesn't have money. She splurges.

Elan said that a lot of people are typical-just like those people you see in the market. They don't look at things from a broad perspective. They are narrow in their thinking, only concerned about short-term stuff, mundane matters than long-term affairs and interests. I think that has got to do with education. Will an educated person think narrowly? Possibly. Then what is the purpose of his education? In any case, some successful people are uneducated but are visionaries.

10-year plans seem too long range for me. 10 years seem to stretch so far away into the future. Yet, I know I'm only kidding myself. I have wasted half of my time and will probably waste the other half. I suppose the skeptic in me is responsible for the measured pace I take.

I do not think it's good to think too much. The great philosophers must be depressed people. Then again, the power of the mind cannot be underestimated.

Crisis: Identity, Quarter-life, Mid-life

2006-07-19T16:08:00.000+08:00

Technology does wonders for humans. I can be talking to someone in Singapore and Australia at the same time in the same conversation. But nothing beats the personal, face-to-face encounter. It wasn't until I saw Elan and Mimi recently that I realised how our thinking differed. There is a dichotomy in our thinking. Feel that there's a gap between me and them now. I believe that 1 year ago, before I started working, if I had had the same conversation with them, I'd probably be as idealistic as them. My thinking's evolved. I was talking with a sense of pragmatism and realism. Felt sad that there's "un-meeting" of minds in our discourse on Reality vs Idealism. Sitting down there-the 3 of us, I felt as if we were aristocrats/nobles discussing/lamenting about the state of affairs in Singapore.

Elan and Mimi are going through "quarter-life crisis" now. Haha. Elan wonders when she'll ever be rid of the influence of the ruling party. She thinks it's a sad state of affairs that at adulthood, they are still worrying over grades. Haha. True. They said in overseas, people just do what they like and they're not worried about failing. Elan said we shouldn't be afraid to fail no matter how old we are. Overseas, even if you fail, people don't condemn you. You just do what you like and heck it. Here, you can't really do what you like because society looks at you with tinted glasses and an evil eye. I kept asking what would look impressive on my resume. Talking in pragmatic terms, basically. Elan said we should just do whatever we like, "just do it". All of us were talking with "a sense of despondency and cynicism". Haha. I think it was more so for Elan and Mimi who seemed to be jaded. It is the herd mentality here. I've become victim to this mentality, becoming one of the herd, going with the flow, chasing after the Singaporean dream. Selling my soul to the devil, as Elan said.

I'd experienced identity crisis before. Which is akin to Elan and Mimi's "quarter-life crisis". At one point, I began to doubt if I was going the correct way. Or rather, questioning if the "correct" way is the way I want to go. I compete and compete and compete until I lose myself in the competition and I wondered if my life is worth the value of competition. Life suddenly lost its meaning. I'd once spoken to Ms Ng about this-the pressure to conform to societal norms before. I complained that I don't want to be one of the herd. Ms Ng had said thoughtfully then: "Maybe it's easier said than done."

So at quarter-life, I began asking around "What the heck is mid-life crisis?" I wanted to know so that I'm ready for it. Different people have come up with various definitions.

Ms Ng said: "People have mid-life crisis when they suddenly feel at a loss and don't know what to do with their lives".

Mrs Kurup said it's when you are in your 40s or 50s and you look around and suddenly realise that you are trapped in the rat race. You don't like it because you're not doing what you like but you're already living the expensive lifestyle and you've no choice but to carry on because you cannot give it up. So you get stuck in a rut which you dug. It can lead to relationship problems or family problems. The brave ones, when they experience mid-life crisis, make a career switch even though they can't earn as much as before.

Mimi said it's when you reach 40 and you realise you've not accomplished anything and you feel lost and hopeless. Because all along, you've been going with the flow and you didn't do what you like. Then you hit 40 and you realise that you accomplished nothing.

AD's definition is different. More for those who are in a job they are satisfied in and have set goals for that career path. AD said mid-life crisis is "when one's list of aims/aspirations and list of achievements tally negatively, his/her frustration coupled with deperation that time is running out". She's not seen successful people who have a happy life NOT having mid-life crisis.

Some middle-aged folks don't know what mid-life crisis is. Those are the lucky ones. They haven't experienced and (probably) won't experience mid-life crisis. Guess those are the ones who are happy and contented.

Longing

2006-07-18T21:54:00.000+08:00

Have you ever longed for something? I mean, really longed. The kind of longing that comes with an expectation, a hope, a wish-maybe a wishful thinking. Maybe it was some results that which you should have. Or a hope that you can change reality. Or pining away for a love that doesn't belong.

I'd said in "Love (Afar And Near)" that falling in love with "someone who is right before your eyes in damning circumstances which do not permit you both together" is pathetic and beautifully tragic. I think now that it's a devastating tragedy. To sit across/stand beside someone you love-whose love you can never have-only to have to suppress the feelings is painful. It's so near yet so far! It's painful to long for a love that doesn't belong. To long for a conclusion long foregone. To crave for that love that don't belong. It's painful to be longing after something that doesn't belong. Like how a kid longs for a toy which he knows he won't get.

Silent Communication, Wordless Language

2006-07-09T22:11:00.000+08:00

What comes to mind? Music and art-drawings/paintings are what can reach your soul. We don't really need words. I could be playing Beethovan even though I don't understand German and the composer is dead. Even though it's another time, place and age, Beethovan talks to me through his music still. When I saw 2 people using sign language to communicate, I thought we could do away with words. There should be some form of universal communication where words are done away with. Businessmen/diplomats should learn sign language so that interpreters are not needed and miscommunication are lessened to a minimum. Humans talk too much and sometimes say the wrong/weirdest/most comical things.

If I suffer from impairment of sight or hearing, the human touch never fails to caress and soothe the hurting/weary soul. Words, are to a certain extent redundant. As the saying goes, "Action speaks louder than words". I mean literally.

Freedom

2006-07-09T20:33:00.000+08:00

There're many kinds of freedom. The most familiar kind would be freedom of ideals, freedom of ideas, freedom of expression, freedom from oppression of free people-the foundation upon which democracy is built.

There's the freedom from parental control demanded by peevish teens experiencing teen angst as demonstrated clearly in "Desperate Housewives 2" when Andrew told his Mum, Bree "I want to be emancipated".

There's then the freedom of Self from society/State as wished for by Mimi and Elan. Elan laments that at 21, undergrads are still worrying about grades and wonders when they'll ever be rid of the influence of this elitist/herd mentality.

There's also freedom from past/reality where one wishes he could reject the past and spurn reality.

Every type of freedom mentioned earlier is relatively easy to attain save for the last. Think about it. If you feel oppressed by State, you can always move away, migrate and live elsewhere. You don't have to put up with crap. If you want freedom from parental control, once you reach a certain age, your parents can't control you anymore. However, freedom from past/reality is a tough nut to crack. Even if one migrates, changes his identity, changes his personality, goes for cosmetic surgery, cuts off all contacts with his past, he'll never be rid of his past. For his past will haunt him wherever he goes. It is his past that makes him who/what he is presently. As for denying reality, you can go to sleep but you can't sleep away the problem. You can turn to alcoholism, to drugs but the problem persists. To be free from everything is akin to a kite. It is a fallacy to think that a kite seems to be flying in the direction it wants, because it'll always be tied to the string. It is best then to live in the wild, be part of the wild. I'm reminded of Savage Garden's "Animal Song".

Volunteering

2006-07-07T01:28:00.000+08:00

Got a package from UMS enclosing leaflets of CCAs and of various VOLUNTEER activities/camps that "guarantee you'll fulfil the 80h VOLUNTEER work requirement".

Why the hell do they call it "VOLUNTEER work" when it's NOT voluntary at all? We did not VOLUNTEER. It was imposed upon us: a prerequisite to graduating. Imagine someone saying: "Oh, the undergrad didn't/couldn't graduate because he didn't do VOLUNTEER work". How preposterous! And pathetic. Has volunteerism relegated to this? Shouldn't volunteerism be an act/offer out of one's own free will? To force it down people's throat is nowhere near the definition of "voluntary" and is lamentable. They should just rename it "COMPULSORY community service".

Thinking about Thinking

2006-07-06T22:17:00.000+08:00

Knowledge is power. I'm not saying this because it's cliché. Rather, because it is a truth and a fact.

Scientists say that we use less than 10% of our brain. Some scientists think it's less than 5%. Whether it's 10% or 5%, I still find myself getting tired when I study intensely for a few hours. Elan said we're tired because of "information overload".

Some brainy facts:

-Our brain can hold 10 libraries.
-It is about 125,500 GB.
-Information are transmitted from neuron to neuron at 120 m/s which is equivalent to 432 km/h.

The more we use or exercise our brain, the more something is reinforced in our brain. For example, when we learn how to use a new handphone, we make a connection in our brain. The more we use the handphone, the better we are at it because we actually reinforce the way the handphone works in our brain. I guess that's why practice makes perfect.

Studies have shown that the more your brain exercises the more it changes. Guess that's why during exam period, my capability for thinking actually expands and I think more.

Motivational/inspirational speakers would say or love to destroy the notion that "No one is born stupid. We are not born stupid." However, we are also not born smart/intelligent. We are born with the POTENTIAL to be intelligent. Every time we study, learn and think, we make a new brain connection and open up a new pathway. In other words, we understand more and think faster. Thus, intelligence is a result of thinking. The more we use our brain, the more intelligent we become. There is no such thing as we are born stupid. If we are stupid it's because we are not using our brain.

On the point on "If we are stupid, it's because we are not using our brain", it may take 1 second for your friends to understand a joke; it may take you 5 minutes later to laugh at the same joke. It's not because you are stupid. Your brain just connects (thoughts) slower. I guess that's why AD, KC and Von can crack jokes so well. Because they always exercise that part of the brain that cracks jokes. And that's why those who scheme/plot and lie can do it so well because that's all their brains do.

The grey matter up there is the most powerful weapon humans are endowed with. Even without an arm or a leg, our brain is the most powerful tool. Successful people are so because of their brain. It's the way they think. You can strip them of their assets but they'll bounce back. They use their brain and they make their millions again. I've always subscribed to the belief that education is the way out of poverty.

Although intelligence is the result of thinking, thinking is NOT a result of intelligence. It's because I study, therefore I become more intelligent. Thinking leads to intelligence. The reverse is however, untrue. Intelligence doesn't lead to thinking. The worst form of laziness is the laziness of the mind. It thus gives that the people at the top echelons of society/corporate ladder are great thinkers. Yes, knowledge is power. And power can be phenomenal/destructive depending on how you wield it. Everything is a double-edged sword. People who have knowledge are powerful because they can make use of that knowledge for the betterment/destruction of themselves, the people around them or the country/society on a larger scale. Didn't Descartes say "I think, therefore I am"? Ah, yes, the power of thinking.

Old people always say that they are forgetful because they are old. It has nothing to do with age. Lee Kuan Yew is old but he is still very sharp. So our mind must never retire! Haha. So I must keep having my mental challenges and verbal sparring with Elan to keep those sparks of life in my brain alive! Haha.

A scientist/researcher did a study. There were 2 groups of children-brain damaged children and normal children. He taught the brain damaged children how to read. He found out later that the group of brain damaged children of 3, 4, 5 years old could read several languages better than the normal children who didn't have the opportunity to read. Those normal children were either baby-sat or put in front of the TV by their parents and so didn't have the opportunity to read.

In another experiment, some rats were put in a darkened environment and others were put in a sensory environment (normal environment). All rats were later put in a maze with food. Rats that were in the sensory environment could find food easily. When the brains were cut, those rats that were in the sensory environment had more developed/mature brains than those in the sensory-deprived environment which had smaller and less developed brains. The point is our brain develop with use. Use it or lose it. It's like how we lose touch with a language if we don't use it.

The moment we step out of school, it's perilous. Because we need a lot more self-discipline to think/learn. The moment you stop thinking, it's your decline and downfall. That's why China lagged behind other countries when the rest of the world was industrialising. Information was expanding and China/Mao Zedong had closed itself/China off from the rest of the world with the intention to be self-sufficient. Part of the reason why the Great Leap Forward became a Great Leap Backwards was because of the lack of the influx of knowledge when China shut itself off from the rest of the world.

The Man Upstairs is a genius because he's knowledgeable. Since knowledge is power, it gives that since he knows all, he's omniscient and therefore, omnipotent.

Elan refutes the ideas of "No one is born stupid" and "Intelligence is a result of thinking" on a totally unemotional/unfeeling and purely rational level. Elan said that the 2 statements are inaccurate. They are subjective. "Stupid" is subjective because it connotes a negative thinking/feeling. It is deterministic, judgmental and fatalistic. So it is not objective. "Intelligence" itself has a positive connotation and is not objective either. One form of objectivity will be through Intelligence Quotient tests in which we use to measure a person's intelligence. But we cannot use "stupid" or "intelligence" as an objective ruler to measure a person's intelligence. Motivational/inspirational speakers appeal to our emotions when they use words like "stupid" or "intelligence". First, they take away the negative feeling-"no one is born stupid". Then they add the plus feeling-"if you think more, you'll become intelligent". It's all very feel-good stuff, very inspiring/inspirational but logically/rationally, the statements are inaccurate. "Stupid" is an emotional and negative way of describing someone. "Low intelligence" is a more rational and unemotional way of describing the same person. If you say "no one is born stupid", you give the person's morale a boost and motivate him but logically speaking, if you use the IQ test to measure intelligence, there ARE some who fare exceptionally high. Those are the "intelligent" ones. There is the average. There are the ones who measure below below average, that is, those of lower intelligence. So one cannot say that "no one is born stupid" or that no one is of low intelligence because it is a fact that there ARE people of low intelligence. Or what we usually call "stupid".

I can relate to both the emotional appeal of motivational/inspirational speakers/speeches and the rational side of Elan's logic. Whatever it is, I do and still believe that knowledge is power. The wise ones would agree.

Feminine Man, Manly Woman

2006-07-01T09:52:00.000+08:00

Reminds me of the show "He's The Woman, She's The Man" and more recently, <<王的男人>>. In the former, Wing (Anita Yuen) cross-dressed in a bid to get close to her idol, Sam Koo (Leslie Cheung). The result was some comic episodes as Wing was mistaken to be a gay. For <<王>>, Lee Joon-ki, who played Gong-kil, watched "Farewell My Concubine" several times in order to learn how to sashay convincingly. Lee Joon-ki was most positively pretty in <<王>>! So much so that when I first saw him, I mistook him for a lady! *chuckles*

AD had said that every successful woman needs to have a bit of "man" in her. Essentially, that means that that successful woman has to possess that drive, ambition, those traits that are so commonly associated with masculinity. Can you imagine a woman CEO who's actually a sissy? I can't.

I do not take very well to guys who do not have that drive/ambition in them. Ster had chided Chuan for that lack. In her words, "If you want to anyhow study, anyhow pass, then you might as well anyhow get a job. Anyhow be a sweeper." This is not a derogatory remark belittling the contribution of blue collar workers as sweepers. Rather, it stands as a truth to the meritocratic society that we live in: work hard and your effort will be paid off.

All in all, I think that the best mix is to have a combination of "man" in a woman and vice-versa ie. a woman should have a bit of "man" in her (to succeed) and the man should have a bit of effeminacy in him-that bit of understanding and empathy to the people around him.

Fate and Destiny II

2006-06-30T20:40:00.000+08:00

People almost invariably speak of fate and destiny in the same breath. It seems the two are inextricably linked.

"Ducunt volentem fata, nolemtem trahunt". That's Latin for "Fate leads the willing, the unwilling it drags". I've always believed that man is the master of his own fate, the captain of his own ship, the director of his own script. I stubbornly refuse to succumb to the forces of fate and destiny and I shall put up a fierce fight if I'm dragged by fate. Fate and destiny can change if you are determined.

I have but to wonder about fate though. Em and I met in Sec 1 but we only got to know each other in Sec 3. We were fated to meet in Sec 1 but not destined to become friends at that time. When our paths crossed again in Sec 3, that was destiny for you.

I've been surprised by fate countless times. The lift incident. How I managed to hear and answer Ms Ng's call as opposed to missing Elan's call when I was in another room. How it took 10 years to come full circle and meet Ecarg again.

Dreaming

2006-06-30T20:32:00.000+08:00

Sleep is such a luxury. The eyes close and the mind rests. Sometimes, we fall into a void and the fall seems to last forever until the alarm rings or your mind says "Stop sleeping". Other times, even though the mind is supposed to be resting, we see pictures in our mind, one after another and we wake up feeling like we've just gone through a movie marathon.

Some dreams-you forget the moment you open your eyes. Others-you remember for a long time in the waking world. Then there are some which you'll dismiss when you wake up but one day recall when that scene from your dream transforms into reality. Yes, déjà vu.

Dreams tell the past, reflect the present and foretell the future. An instance of dreams telling you the/YOUR past: YP once had a dream in which the setting was in olden times. A few years later, she'd a continuation of that same dream.

About dreams being reflections of the present reality, scientists say that dreaming is a way the mind releases stress. As we dream, the mind sorts through the information we come across and trashes useless stuff in the form of dreams which is why we dream about the things which concern us at the present moment.

Déjà vu is a little unpredictable. Ironic since it's supposed to predict the future. I'm sure practically everyone wants to have déjà vu of the next winning lottery number. Haha. Anyway, déjà vu is unpredictable in the sense that you never know WHEN what you saw in your dream will appear before your eyes in reality. There is the time factor. It could happen tomorrow. It could happen next week, a few months later or a few years down the road. I think one needs to be extremely sensitive (in the sixth sense manner of speaking) to be able to know WHEN that déjà vu is going to become reality.

Dreams on the whole are unpredicatable and incomprehensible. You can never be sure if a dream is indicative of the past or present or future. Anything can happen in a dream. Math can go wrong. Heights go haywire. The world reverses. You can be flying. You wake up running. Or crying. Or shouting. You wake up with a sweet aftertaste. Everything is in disorder yet it is perfectly normal.

Luck

2006-06-25T13:17:00.000+08:00

It was Elan who first seeded this topic in my mind. One question always hurt me: Why is it that if we do something we like, go into our passion/interest, we do not get that much recognition/reward/remuneration as compared to something else which we do not feel (so much) for but which rewards you more than your passion? Elan said it's a generalisation. It's actually luck. For example, you may love acting and you go into acting and become famous. If you are not so lucky, you may be acting for years but no one recognises your potential. It's all about luck.

"Just My Luck". Watched it yesterday. Ster and Bei felt that the ending was touching and they felt like crying. Didn't feel anything but felt the music was great. McFly was in that show and I thought their music was cool. Was shaking my legs and rocking my body a little to their music while watching the movie. Even Ster was shaking her legs. If not for the fact that I was sitting down, I'd be like one of the fans in a rock concert. Cool music. Made me feel like going to a rock concert. Simple Plan's a bit depressing although I can relate to their songs. McFly's more upbeat.

Anyway, in "Just My Luck", we saw how the wheel of fortune turned and Ashley Albright (Lindsay Lohan) and Jake Hardin (Chris Pine) switched luck. Jake started out as the unluckiest guy in the world: water on the road splashing onto him when a car passed, pants dropping, dog poop on fingers, being kicked in the balls by a jogger who mistook him for a molester, ending up with the police. Nothing could be worse than that. Then we saw Ashley as the likeable, successful, young exec whose life couldn't be more smooth-sailing and luckier. Ashley didn't believe in luck until she switched luck with Jake afterwhich she went to the gypsy to demand her luck back. Haha. People never believe in something until something else happens.

Luck is subjective. Someone may be destined to be lucky but if he is going to slack and be laid-back, only depending on his luck to get him by, he may not get very far. Maybe not as far as if he'd worked hard and used his luck. On one hand, I believe that you hold your destiny in your hands and you create your own luck. On the other hand, I've been in situations in which I prepared for everything yet the results, when they come, fail me. Everything seemed certain save for the luck factor. Diligence, perseverence, preparedness is one thing. But you can't dismiss this thing called Luck.

Giving

2006-06-25T09:34:00.000+08:00

During my last lunch with Ms Ng, a woman in her 30s approached our table and asked us for 2 bucks. At that time, I was shocked at her audacity. Appalling. Ms Ng gave her $2 and the woman left. I stared at Ms Ng, wondering why on earth Ms Ng would give so readily. I wouldn't. Especially as the woman didn't state why she needed that money. There are too much of such kinds of beggars/various kinds of begging/cheating. I didn't think it right that Ms Ng gave that woman money. Little Aunt always advocates working hard and earning a living for yourself. Little Aunt'd say "有手有脚,又不是残废."

Mimi said maybe the woman needed that money. She'd give the woman the money to 打发她走 although she's problems donating to flag day. Haha. Elan said that we shouldn't give to these people because they are cheats. There's good karma when you give to someone who needs help but there's bad karma when you give to them knowing they are cheats. Because after getting money successfully from someone, they'd be incited/encouraged to move on to the next victim. It's like we are edging them on. Elan said that if one needs financial help, there are ways like welfare. I agreed with Elan. Mimi said that there was a case where a man divorced his wife and claimed welfare for himself and his children and conned the government of 250K.

More recently, a friend (Fren) told me that someone she knows who's single and in her 40s told her that she would rather her life passes more quickly. Fren thinks that her friend doesn't have anything to look forward to which is why she feels sorry for her friend. Fren gave an example of this 107-year-old woman who's helping others and living a fulfilled life.

Fren's story made me think that the key to living (a fufilled life) is to give. Not really in monetary form but more of love although giving money (donating) can be an act of love too. When you give out love and you share (yourself) with others, life takes on more meaning.

Giving Up

2006-06-23T09:35:00.000+08:00

Thomas Edison once said: "Many of life's failures are people who do not realise how close they are to success when they gave up."

I have given up training. The training which I so love. I've always said one fine day, I'd quit training but I always returned to training after a lapse. I've finally given up training as I've always said I would. Part of the reason is that I know it's not my forte. Sure, I was much better than before. I can be even better, I know. If only I train harder. But one should know his strengths, weaknesses and limitations. I am not an athlete; I do not possess a gifting in sports like Em or her sisters. I look at Nick, SY, Ching and know that they only need to train a little to go very far. For me, I need to work doubly, triply hard to get there.

The last time I went back to training was last Fri-16/6. To visit. I do miss training. The team spirit. The individual competiveness. Sam Sir said it's a waste to give up years of training. I agree. Sam Sir said that he thinks I have yet to reach my niche. Maybe he is right. Afterall, he's been teaching for more than 10 years. What kind of students haven't he seen? I am grateful for his words. At the same time, I am filled with guilt/shame because giving up training is not just me alone. It is also giving up the hope that Sam Sir, John Sir and the rest of the instructors have in me, their effort that they've put in to train me to become who I am today-physically and mentally. 一日为师,终生为父. I do not wish to disappoint them. They are great teachers, the best there can ever be. Sam Sir'd said that it matters not if you are not a fighter. If you can train out good fighters, that's something too. Sam Sir was trying to encourage me. But.

I honestly do not know if I'll become a success in TKD and I shall never know. I have given it up. I HATE failing. To save me from more heartaches, I might as well go into something I'm excellent in. Some things I will give up; others I'll pursue relentlessly. But I did not know that giving up is not an easy task too.

Helplessness

2006-06-21T08:43:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt like screaming but no sound comes out of your mouth? Have you ever wished that you can cry but it is tears that flow from your heart instead? Have you ever felt like obliterating the world in front of you in one fell stroke but realise that you are only swiping/stabbing in a vacuum and you don't know when the void will suffocate you?

I'd said in "Reel And Real Life", "To attain happiness, one needs to make a clean break from the mess that's dragging him or her down. Perhaps it's easier said than done." Indeed it's easier said than done. Some mess you just can't get out of. When the world was formed and you were born, the die was cast and your fate/destiny was signed by the stars. Although fate/destiny can change as like the stars that change their positions, some things, like the Northern Star, are constant. You can never rewrite history eg. your birth date and hour of birth. I'd like to run away from everything, everyone, the world, get away from me but I am cemented at the same spot. I'm chained to a past that mocks, a present that torments, a future of responsibilities and obligations.

I'd said in "Nothing Is Totally Good Or Bad", "Suffering may make a person successful but at a price. The person will become bitter and miserable." and Elan had commented "Sometimes, it's simply not true that suffering is good. It might be a necessary process but if suffering is so positive, why call it suffering?" I've always managed to 化悲愤为力量. But I wonder now if the pain is not being transformed into some kind of twisted strength. Because success is bought with suffering which will result in an embittered person. I would like to grow up in a loving environment instead of achieving success through suffering. Love stimulates and hate drives. Both are powerful forces. I prefer to believe that love is the stronger of the two. Although it may not be so, I believe that one who attains success through love/encouragement as opposed to another who obtains it from suffering will reach a higher level of success. At any rate, at the end of it all, the former would have a more wholesome life emotionally and spiritually unlike the latter who'll end up with bitterness.

KC had said "The mind and the heart think/feel differently." If your mind says "yes" and your heart refuses to listen, you are torn. There's tension when your mind gives a command but your heart turns the other way. To NOT do something because you do not feel like doing but your sense of responsibility/loyalty gives rise to an obligation which you are unwillingly to yet you perform-it is a psychological war. When it comes to someone you love/care for who is blind to (and persists in) his mistake(s), 你是帮敌还是帮亲呢? I am trapped.

I am resigned to a situation I cannot get out of. Love it or hate it, you have to live with it. I'd like to shake my fists at heaven and rant and rave but everything remains unchanged. No one can help (me). Not even me, myself and I. At the same time, I am reminded of Hangman. Bit by bit, little by little, Hangman will die from asphyxia. Unless the game ends before the rope is cut. It is a race against time for me. The dark cloud approaches. The walls are closing in.

Death

2006-06-18T18:16:00.000+08:00

I'm coming in touch with death often these days. First, it was Mimi who witnessed the accident where the girl (passenger) in a car had glass bits in her mouth and the boy had an open gash across his throat. The Mercs driver who caused the accident was trapped in his Mercs and the firemen had to saw open his Mercs to get him out. Next, it was KC's mother-in-law whose wake I attended. Then it was Nice's friend who got flung out of the back seat of the car she was in. The driver and the front seat passenger only suffered minor injuries though.

It was Nice's friend's death that made me FEEL the frailty of life. That humans' lives can be snuffed out so easily. Although Mimi'd told me that the accident she witnessed brought that point home to her, I didn't really understand/feel what she said till Nice started talking about her friend. The friend had an illustrious life: chairman of so and so club and great results. Alas, death decided to claim her too soon. What a waste and pity of a promising future!

4th Aunt said: "是她的命" because only she died but the other 2 in the car survived. Was wondering in the case of Mandy's brother's friend where he swam out to save someone and gave up his life in the process, is it also 他的命?

Ster said that precisely because life is so vulnerable, she will not let go of any opportunity. But how many of us are/can really be like Ster? For many, it's a wait for calmer seas before we dare swim out to the sea. And before we know it, the greater waves of death have claimed us and our lives are over. If I die today, I shall regret all the things that I've always wanted to do but haven't found the courage to embrace; I shall regret the times I was mean to the people I love.

Christopher Pike has said in 1 of his books: "Death is not the end. It is only a transformation." Maybe it means that I'll be transformed into a soul from my human form. The essence still lingers then. I don't know. Don't know what I'll be transformed into but I hope it'll make me a better person in my next carnation.

Scent And Smell

2006-06-13T11:47:00.000+08:00

I remember Elan saying this to me before when we were still 2 wee giggling lasses: "Every place has a smell." She is right. Every human has a smell too. That's how dogs recognise places and humans.

I remember a certain smell whenever I stepped into Godma's house when I was a kid. Now that I'm grown up, my sense of smell is not so remarkable as it used to be and I've to concentrate to be aware of that smell again when I step into Godma's place. But the smell is still there. When I was in HHP and when I first came to CLL, I remember smelling the different scents of these offices.

When I started working in CLL and sat in with AD for interviews, I'd smell this AD smell. It's not unpleasant. Now, whenever I smell that smell outside, I'd be reminded of the times I sat beside AD for interviews. It brings back a sense of familarity.

Nice scents make me happy. When someone puts on a nice, sweet-smelling perfume, I can go sniffing up/at that person like a dog. I'd like people to associate me with Éclat D'Arpège from Lanvin because out of all the perfumes I tried, I still like Éclat D'Arpège the best.

Bondage

2006-06-13T10:51:00.000+08:00

Since ape men appeared, they've learnt to hunt, to tame, to cage beasts. As time passed, they dominated their own kind and enslaved them. Such barbaric acts are now condemned by hopefully, a more civilised modern world. We only "cage" or jail people when they've done wrong. There's also the sado-machism bondage where chains and whips and violence are used for a twisted pleasure.

There's another kind of bondage called emotional bondage. This kind of invisible ropes that bind you are as powerful as any other physical types of bondage.

I've tried to get rid of some ghosts of the past but they haunt me. I wonder if and when I'll be able to sever those damned ties.

I was helpless to the admiration/infatuation I had for Lee Young Ae earlier on. I'd wished that I could get rid of the senseless infatuation because I absolutely hate losing control of myself. But now, I can laugh at myself for succumbing to unrequited love.

Bondage can be voluntary or mandatory. I'm bound to my parents. Bound by obligation. Bound by a sense of filial peity. Bound by a responsibility to take care of them when they are old. Bound (unwillingly) by a calling to please them at the expense of what I stood for.

Although most of the time, bondage is equated to control, it may not be the case all the time. People may suffer under an invader/occupier/oppressive regime but their hearts that yearn for the priceless ideals of freedom and independence will never be captured.

Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) III

2006-06-06T17:00:00.000+08:00

How apt that my last entry was about tears! On Sat-3/6, my eyes were swollen and puffy. I'd cried.

Fri-2/6 was my last day at work. I'd started the day smiling and ended it crying. Reminds me of the verse that goes: "When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was laughing. Live your life such that when you leave this world, you're smiling and everyone else is crying." I didn't feel sad in the morning as I hugged KC, didn't feel sad throughout the day. It was only when I was bidding everyone goodbye at the end of the day that a tinge of melancholy crept into my heart.

I had started off my farewell by going to DT to hug her. Told her "我会很想你." She'd said: "我也会想你." As we talked, I felt tears coming to my eyes and managed to blink them away. We talked for a while. Then I left to find Ms C.

Ms C was cute. I told her my heart's going to break. I did not know if my heart was going to break then but I knew I certainly had a heartache when Von left and I was crying on Sun. Ms C asked why (my heart was going to break). I said that CLL holds 1 year of my memories. Ms C said don't say that, if not she'll cry. It's her first job at CLL too and she's been here for 15 years. Ms C had kind words for me and said that I'll be having better prospects in future. Ms C is cute because even though she'd worked at CLL for so long, she wasn't leaving, yet she said she'll cry. Haha.

I moved on to AKN and CP. I was bias towards AKN. On the evening of my last third day, Wed-31/5, Cat passed me a CSL's file for quantification. I took the file in shock because I wasn't confident that I'd be able to finish up that file and pass it back before I leave. By Thur-1/6 noon, when AKN asked me do as many interviews as I can before I leave, I knew that CSL's file was going for a six. I passed back CSL's file and started fixing AKN's interviews for my last day. I told AD as I was making the calls on Thur that "I'm damn bias". AD agreed. Anyway, when I went to see AKN on my last day, AKN said that "it's PR" when we talked about my biasness (towards her). AKN and CP are the better lawyers in CLL. At least they (make the effort to) talk to the staff. CP was nagging at me (in a good way) to "get a guy" in Uni. Haha.

Finally, I went to put my glass in the pail as I prepared to leave. I'd also wanted say goodbye one last time to KC. When I came out of the pantry, I saw that KC's computer was already switched off. She was ready to leave. She saw me and put out her arms. So I went over to hug her. If I could have my way, I won't let go. I thought of what 4th Aunt said about me when I was still 2 or 3 and we were living together at ah1 ma4's. When 4th Aunt had to go to work, I'd cry. Honestly, I cannot remember but there's this image of me when I was a kid, wailing and struggling against ah1 ma4's grip when Mum had to leave for work. Ah1 ma4 had to pull me back or I'd have run to Mum and clung onto her. That was what I thought about as I hugged KC. KC felt like 4th aunt. Since I didn't want to let go, it goes that KC was the first one to pull away. Still, I didn't cry then. Yet, as KC talked, I could feel the heat rushing up my face. Tried to blink them back. Turned away so that I'd lose focus and get rid of those damnned tears. Then I turned back to KC and my first tear fell from my right eye. I'll never forget that moment. Had I not turned back to look at KC, I wouldn't have cried. But I know I either cry then or regret and cry at my grave later. I can't leave without one last look. Sentimentality, yes. But feelings are what make us real, make us human.

KC had told me 2 or 3 weeks ago when I leave not to cry, that holding the tears in my eyes like in the Korean dramas without letting the tears fall would suffice. When KC had told me not to cry when I leave, I'd looked at her and wondered if I was going to cry when the time comes for me to leave. Then, I'd only replied with: "I'll try (not to cry)."

That first tear opened the floodgates. This time, I didn't cry so hard as I did when V left. But I still cried for another day before I was forced to stop. After KC left, I went back to my place tie up some loose ends. Halfway through work, I thought of KC again. As I stared at the computer screen my tears fell. I let them drip onto my jeans. This time, with experience, I was able to force myself to focus on the work in front of me and save the crying for later. When I finally could leave, I took one last walk round the office. I don't know why but as I passed by KC's place, I paused and it brought tears to my eyes. KC was gone. It was just an empty place. Yet as I stood in front of her place as I'd done so countless times before, that PLACE made me cry. I don't know why a PLACE can make me cry. Maybe because I know that I'd never stand at her place and talk to her the way I used to again.

On the bus ride home after dinner, I'd put down my head to rest and when I thought of KC, tears rolled down my face. I was lucky that the guy sitting opposite me was sleeping himself.

That night, as like the night Von left me, I cried myself to sleep. Non-stop crying was no longer a stranger to me. Yet, it was strange that KC'd made me cry. Unexpected. AD'd said: "I guess you must really like her." Like or love, whatever demon it is, until I cried, I didn't realise how much KC meant to me. When I woke up on Sat, I thought of KC. Lying there in bed, I cried as I buried my face in the pillow. Silent tears.

I'd saved KC's card to read when I was home. Didn't want to read on the bus because I knew I could very well cry on the bus. When I finally read the card, true to predictions, I cried. So I cried for the whole of Sat. Crying is VERY tiring. During one of the times that I was crying, I finally understood why I was crying. I didn't the previous times that I kept crying. All I knew was that tears were falling from my eyes and I didn't know why. It finally dawned on me that I was touched. Such a simple yet profound truth. KC still makes me miss her even though it's been a few days since I left (her). I didn't miss Von for so many days. Maybe because I was busy when Von left then. Or maybe because I've spent a half more year with KC.

I realise that when people have to leave/part whether for another place or when they die, they almost ALWAYS try to make amends and leave on a good note. It is ridiculously funny that they don't appreciate each other and try to mend those relationships before parting. Why wait till parting to be nice to each other? Isn't it better to kiss and make up after a quarrel/disagreement and then have an amiable relationship from then until parting instead of making up only at parting and leaving with a lukewarm relationship?

My feelings with DT go deeper, like that of a mother, like how I'd feel towards Mum. I wouldn't appreciate Mum/show my feelings openly now; but when she dies, I'll cry my bloody heart out. With AD, it's more of a mentor, more of love and respect. With KC and Von, they are more like my aunties. There's love/like and more sentiment with relatives. It's funny how you'd show yourself openly to your relatives and friends yet you hide the deeper feelings that you have for your family.

Tears

2006-04-09T11:05:00.000+08:00

Tears are precious. I believe so. When I was younger, I seldom, if ever, cried. When I watched a touching show, I'd hold back my tears. I reached a point where I'd be very touched and tear but I will not let the first tear drop.

When ah1 ma3 was warded in Sec 3, I remember the struggle I had holding back my tears. Those tears burned my eyes as I desperately tried to hold them back. They didn't fall.

Korean shows are such weepies and tear-jerkers. A typical Korean show (excluding horror genre) has its actors crying countless times before the show ends. Korean shows are too lavish in dishing out the tears. Tears are precious. What a waste of tears.

When I lost the IVP in 2005, I was so disappointed that two tears fell from my eyes. But when Von left, something went wrong with my tear glands. I couldn't control my tears.

Doris's friend's son's now brain-dead and in a coma. But when the son's father visited the son, the son teared. How? How is it possible for someone who's brain-dead to still be able to know your loved ones are around and cry? Logically speaking, it is impossible. That's why I think tears are precious and shouldn't be expensed so freely. We should only cry when experiencing intense extreme emotions. Though actors and some others have the ability to cry like turning on a tap. And when you say "Stop", you can hear the clink of metal as the tap is turned off. And the tears will stop.

There are also those who shed crocodile tears. Selfish, hypocritical, obnoxious people are the scum of the earth. Those two-faced creatures will be judged by their actions one day.

Elan said that when her grandma died, her other grandma was practically wailing like in a wayang. She felt it was too showy as opposed to the unshed tears of her Dad and uncle. Though her Dad and uncle didn't cry, she could sense their sorrow.

The point I'm trying to make is that tears are precious and should not be shed so easily (save for actors).

Kindness, Selflessness And Selfishness

2006-04-06T19:23:00.000+08:00

Although I don't admire Lee Young Ae for her looks anymore, she still impresses me as someone who's a cut above others in limelight. Excluding the fact that not many Koreans or Japanese can speak fluent English and Lee Young Ae can speak fluent English, it is her kindness and honesty to self that I admire. Apparently, she's a UNICEF ambassador. In her autobiography <<最特别的爱>>, the photo of her washing a child who seemed to have not washed himself for months in this poor place she volunteered left a mark on me.

I've always believed that humans are born good. That the basest nature of humans is good, not evil. I used to be very kind. At least kinder than I am now. As the years went by, I changed. The harsh reality of life set in. I was still filled with idealism a couple of years back. Now, hearing Lee Young Ae volunteering in poverty-stricken places fill me with shame. It's rare to see prominent personalities volunteering. The other person I know of is Hillary Clinton who was truly concerned with women's rights. She also went to Third World places. Another was Princess Diana. Of course, all these volunteering or visits to worse off places could have been publicity stunts to market the celebrities. I prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Today, Doris said that it's hard to find good doctors who are kind these days. In ancient times, Chinese physicians could tell poor patients "You don't have to pay a single cent" because the physicians plucked the herbs from the forests and used them as medicine. Now, even if the doctor tells you he'll waive the consultation charges, you still have to pay for the medicine. AD said that there are still good doctors who are kind and that it's a modern tragedy that everywhere you go, it's "dollars and cents".

Selfishness is a disease. For the entire 3 years of my Poly life, I despised Yusof. Although I believe that humans are inherently good, he must have been born on the wrong side of the bed. His selfishness is appalling. Although I lost to him in the end, I'm glad that I'm not like him. I still have certain morals and ethics. Selfishness is part of human nature. Or some bad habit we pick up along the way. Selfishness arises because of insecurity but I despise people who bring selfishness to extreme extent. I despised Yusof, still despised him and will continue to do so.

I think I admire very kind people because I know I'm not like them and maybe never will be. It is people like Mother Theresa that put me to shame.

Love (Afar And Near)

2006-04-05T20:43:00.000+08:00

I've gotten over Lee Young Ae. I'm glad my head is still on my shoulders because I felt so foolish admiring someone for her good looks. Senseless to be infatuated with someone you can never have/get to know. I don't know which is worse:

1) To fall in love with someone eg. crush from afar and know there's no possibility of you knowing him/her or have your affection reciprocated, or

2) To fall in love with someone who is right before your eyes in damning circumstances which do not permit you both together eg. both are already engaged/married, the relationship would be frowned upon and deemed incest or inappropriate or otherwise by society.

Both are pathetic scenarios with a tinge of beautiful sadness. Love itself is, afterall beautiful. But to draw a boundary around love which needs air to breathe is tragic. Beautifully tragic. Because you fall in love with a love that doesn't belong to you.

Respect To Self And Reputation To Family

2006-04-05T20:08:00.000+08:00

I was recently better acquainted with this topic as a result of Dae Jang Geum. In that show, we saw initially Lady Choi's reluctance to cause the death of her friend, Min Young (Jang Geum's Mum). But Lady Choi came from a family which had held the position of Top Lady for 5 generations. She, against her will, eventually turned the other way to uphold the honour to self and family. We saw too how Choi Geum Young also went through the same predicament of choosing the same path.

When I watched Dae Jang Geum, I didn't think much about how important it was to Lady Choi to maintain that reputation of her family. I just thought she was damn evil, evil to the core. Only when I came across other information about Korean culture did I realise that what I'd so easily dismissed was actually highly valued in Koeran (and I think also Japanese) society. Reminds me of the archaic times of the Chinese emperors where females who are raped would commit suicide because their chastity had been tainted. There's a common thread through the Chinese females committing suicide or Lady Choi/Choi Geum Young scheming and plotting against Jang Geum or modern Koreans studying impossibly hard (Sleep four hours and fail. Sleep three hours and pass.) to secure a place in a (good) university. It's all for respect from others to self and family.

Traditions have eroded over time for better and for worse. Maybe I'll lament the Gen Y of today for taking issues like pre-marital sex, drug consumption lightly. But one has to live with the times. I'm still glad I'm not bound by an extremely rigid code of honour where it's family first, self second. I'm glad my family won't force me to be with someone I don't feel for (I'm watching too much of Korean shows) or force me to study because it'll bring honour to the family. Rather, I'm forced to study hard and do well because paper qualifications are of paramount importance in order to secure a good pay/job in our society. Honour to family and self will come as a result of doing well. Honour will come later. It takes second place compared to getting a good pay/job.

It is when I see communities like the Korean society where the reputation of a family is more important than the feelings of the individual that I am reminded of what Elan said: "Filial Piety which a highly prized confucius ideal had long since evolved from being an admirable sentiment, to a form of emotional blackmail, an act of love to an act of obligation. It is even an act perpetuated by law." Filial piety is pure and natural because you are grateful to your parents. It should not be demanded because the expectation of something in return causes the original pristine love to be twisted/perverted.

Depression

2006-04-05T19:55:00.000+08:00

I've experienced depression before but not acutely like the clinical type where one engages in self-inflicted pain.

At the end of Year 3 Sem 1, when revision week for exams started, I fell into what I call the "cesspit of depression". For the first two days of revision week, I couldn't do anything. Literally. I revised but nothing sank in. I'm really lucky to have Elan as my friend. After having a good talk with she who had also been through this crisis, I felt much better. THEN and only then, my revision started.

I've been depressed before but that kind of numbing depression that paralyses you and leave you helpless was a first for me. It was terrible. I was no better than a useless person good for nothing save to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide. Anyway, I wish I never have to hold hands with depression again. It is depressing to be depressed. Depression, like other states of mind, will become part of one if held on too long.

Reel And Real Life

2006-04-03T20:06:00.000+08:00

Someone told me that what happens in reel life happens in real life. Maybe MOST, not ALL of what took place in the movies do happen in reality.

If not for the fact that it was announced that "All In" was based on a true story, I'd have dismissed the story to the realm of make-believe. In fact, what happened in real life was even more dramatic than reel life. Mr Cha Min-su went to Las Vegas with only 18 bucks and became a millionaire. Incredible.

Many shows, especially Korean shows, tell of lovers being forced to love someone they don't love because their true love came too late. Later than the one that's available for them at the moment (who happens to be someone who can't create the sparks in their heart). Then they are forced to agree to marry the ones they don't love because they can't let down/owe the ones they don't love. Between finding true love and finally being with their true love is the agony of staying on with the ones they don't love for the sake of staying on. It's silly. As the Korean shows would say "要承受多大的煎熬".

Mrs Tay said that when she and her first boyfriend were dating and they knew that they were not compatible in thoughts neither party wanted to break up even though they knew they should. So they carried on the relationship for another half a year or so-painfully. Ster finds it incredulous and said: "Since it's a full stop, why drag the full stop and make the full stop so ugly?" Essentially, Ster feels that a full stop is a full stop. 长痛不如短痛. There's no point in insistence on the impossible. The result will only be excruciating exhaustion on both ends.

Anyway, the thing is, reel life can happen in real life and vice-versa. I wonder why people adamantly hang on to hopeless relationships/situations with conclusions long foregone. To attain happiness, one needs to make a clean break from the mess that's dragging him or her down. Perhaps it's easier said than done.

Well-intended Meddling

2006-04-02T18:24:00.000+08:00

I did not realise that my well-intended advice to Elan was meddling until recently.

Yes, no one can understand the interactions between someone and his family. Because every family is different. But yes, I've gone through years of emotional sparring (with self and family) so it doesn't necessary mean that I don't understand what you are going through.

When Ster tried to be what I tried to be to Elan: a well-meaning person, I recalled what Elan said and I finally understood Elan's words: "World, for once and for all I'd like to tell you that it is immature of you to butt into another person's private affairs with unasked-for advice. Secondly, it is unspeakably naive to think that just by a few cliche, ill-timed advice can you actually attempt to change the existing situation. Familial interactions has a great effect on our emotions and is one of the most complex territories in the human world."

Of course I felt that before. But I didn't know I know it. The fact that the world can never fully (or even partially) understand the actual situation only struck me recently when I read Elan's blog and was put in the exact situation that Elan was in.

Yes, no outsider can truly understand a family and its interactions. I, too like Elan, do not appreciate it when well-meaning meddlers try to give me advice. They do not understand a speck of the inner conflicts, the struggles between the parties, not having seen those wars. It feels like they are imposing themselves on me and instead of achieving the effect they want, they end up making me more rankled than ever. Sometimes I'd rather they leave me/us alone. 解铃还需系铃人. Sometimes, it's easier and better for the parties to work things out themselves.

Other times, intervention may be and/or is necessary. Recently, the police have become guardians of children with their taking down of the names of teens who are still out after 11pm and notifying the parents what their children have been up to. I do not support or denounce this. Basically, I'm a fence-sitter on this. But I do think that intervention could help parties at times, but not all the time.

Wine-bottle Opening

2006-04-02T18:18:00.000+08:00

Wine-bottle opening is a skill. Maybe I don't have enough strength. Maybe I didn't have enough skill. Whatever it is, I still have a hard time opening wine bottles. Fri-31/3, worked up a sweat trying to pull the bloody cork out of the bottle. In the end, I asked for help. My arm's still aching now.

While straining against the bottle, I recalled this story of a man trying to move a huge rock. He pushed against it every day but it didn't move. Finally, one day, the man complained to God about that and God told the man to look at his arms. They'd grown muscular from the effort of pushing the rock. God was trying to say that obstacles are put in place for us to push against and overcome and become stronger.

What did I learn?
1) Not all obstacles can be overcome.
2) Some obstacles cannot be overcome by yourself. There are times when we have to ask for help.

Wishes

2006-04-01T15:35:00.000+08:00

In my next life, I want to be an aristocrat. Everyday, I'll discuss music, wine, literature, philosophy, society and government with other fellow academics and scholars. I want to be so powerful/influential that politicians are kept on their toes and can't help but to fulfil their duty to the citizens in the best way they can.

If I'm born into a Western family, I shall be famous at fencing. If I'm born in the East, I shall be a great martial artist. I aspire to be great at martial arts because my martial arts life this life is (nearly) over. I'll still be a daredevil and challenge boundaries. I want to rob the rich and give to the poor. I want to be a king and a pauper. To know how both feel. I want to throw lots of parties and also retreat to the mountains/a private island/sail out to the vast ocean when I am in the mood.

If I can, I'd like to be a vampire. To have superhuman strength and abilities. Cool.

Do birthday wishes come true? For the past 2 years, I've been wishing for the same thing. I wish and I wish and I wished. But reality and wishes run opposite to each other. Some forces are just beyond your control no matter how hard you wish.

Heroes

2006-04-01T15:07:00.000+08:00

First of, there are tragic heroes like Brutus and Macbeth. Honourable people with only one flaw that cause their downfall.

Then there are other humans we idolise as heroes. I can dwell on this a bit more as I'm currently succumbing to the aftereffects of Dae Jang Geum.

It's been eons since I last idolised someone. Haha. I grew up without having any favourite cartoon character (no heroes). It was only during my turbulent adolescent years when my hormones had a mind of their own that I started having idols/crushes. Naturally, I fell head-over-heels over them. Eventually, I managed to recapture some semblance of sanity and get my wandering heart back. After my last real crush, it seemed to be the end of a crushing phase for me, or so I thought. Nonetheless, my heart still stirred when I watched Lee Young Ae in Dae Jang Geum. Well, it's just a fool's moment of infatuation so I'm not too bothered by it but will be absorbed in it while it lasts. Anyway, I don't think this time, it can be considered a crush/idolising. I notice a shift in my thinking. While in the past I was fascinated by superficial information about my crushes such as their biography-birthday, likes, dislikes, hobbies which practically everyone else knows about, this time I am more curious about Lee Young Ae as an individual such as her thoughts/views on life/issues. I begin to go beyond the good looks and seek out the person within.

There are also real life heroes who sacrifice their lives to save others eg. Mandy's friend's brother, a lifeguard at sea who tried to save a drowning person. Although he managed to do so, he did not have the strength to swim back to shore and was pulled away by the currents.

I've never really had a TRUE hero to look up to, to respect and emulate although I've idolised before and I respect my mentors. But how I feel towards my mentors is different from how I think I should feel if (an unconditional if) and when I have a hero. I think I'm seeking what Elan is seeking: A figure who inspires, whose values you can fall back on when you are at crossroads or roadblocks. A role model.

Fear

2006-04-01T15:02:00.000+08:00

I can only talk of fear in terms I can associate with. There are the different kinds of fear. There are the "-phobias". If you watch Fear Factor, you know that fear is not a factor. There is fear when you realise a mistake you make could have dastardly consequences. There is fear from parents/authorities. And there is of course fear from death if I point a gun at you. Many of our fears are irrational.

It is the fear from failure that propels me. Fear that if I fail, the world will become cold and empty. Ms Ng said before that it's good to have a healthy sense of fear so you won't be too complacent. Sometimes though, this fear takes on a life of its own and paralyses you.

Fear can be overcome with confidence. But I still quake when I go into the ring. I freeze up and I underperform. We fear that we don't do a good job when it's an important piece of work. When everything goes on too smoothly for you, won't you fear too?

I don't know about the "healthy sense of fear". I only know that it is fear: fear from setback, fear from disappointment, fear from losing that I thrive in.

Love (+Hurt), Hate II

2006-04-01T14:55:00.000+08:00

"All is fair in love and war". Yes, love can and will come to everyone who opens up his heart regardless of his social status, aptitudes or beliefs. Love can last through all times. Sometimes, you meet people you barely know but you feel so much love for them (and vice versa) that you are sure this love can never be from this life but has survived through the carnations. If it goes that love can pass through the times, hate too will not be killed so easily.

The most incredible form of love is indescribable love. You love till you hurt. You feel so much love that it feels as though the love is going to kill you. So great is this love that it can overcome all obstacles. Love and hate share this unknown power. The difference is in the hurt that love and hate bring. To love until you hurt-the hurt is sweet. Conversely, when you hate, the hate will gnaw at you and the hurt in you is bitter.

If love is fire, hate is ice. Both burn.

Attention

2006-04-01T14:48:00.000+08:00

Everyone needs attention. Lots of it. Without attention, one becomes cold. Aren't there marriages that fail because couples don't give enough attention to each other and to the marriage? When I don't give you attention, I am cold to you, our relationship will also become cold. If I give you lots of attention, you feel good because I care for you. Everyone likes to be loved.

We all seek attention because we need it. All that bid for the so-called success is all for recognition aka attention. We all crave attention, be it from our friends, family or the world out there. No attention equates to no love which we try desperately to avoid. And so, we do all kinds of things-good, evil, weird-to ultimately get the attention we want. We give more attention to get more attention although the same cannot be said of fans chasing after idols because idols don't give two hoots about their fans as individuals.

I know for a fact that what delinquents seek is actually attention. They turn bad because the world doesn't understand them or give them attention. So they seek attention from bad company. Were they given more attention, they wouldn't be delinquents. It's sad that people don't give attention that's needed and give unwanted attention instead.

Competition

2006-04-01T14:46:00.000+08:00

I live in a competitive society. Since young, I've always been competing. I compete with my cousins; I compete with classmates; I compete with best friends. I compete until I lose myself. I wonder what my life is worth: Is it the value of competition?

Of course competition is the impetus for change and advancement. But it is a fact that in that competition people sacrifice the immaterial for the material and lose themselves.

In the ring, there's always a winner and a loser. It is so in every competition. I feel good competing in something that I'm adept at. When I deliver results, I feel great. But isn't my happiness at triumphing over others built on the disappointment and tears of those who lost to me?

We always compete to be the best. Most of the time, we compete with others. We should compete with ourselves.

I'm somewhat tired of competing with others all the time. There's a fear that I'm worse/lousier than my opponents. I feel that I can go further, be much more if I only compete with myself. Ironically, it is the external competition that we look up to as a source of achieving a higher quality of life that is inhibiting my growth.

Reality And Fallacy

2006-04-01T13:05:00.000+08:00

What is real and what's not? Looking at the kitchen clock which batteries are weak hence making the clock slower, I was lulled into a false sense of belief that it's still 7.15pm when it should be 7.30pm.

The Matrix trilogy was excellent in bringing across this point of "The Real" vs "The Really?". How do we know what you see is real because all is not what it seems (you cannot see love but you can feel it and you know it's there in your heart), looks can deceive. Even the heart can lie. How do we know that we are not inside some computer program like The Matrix, that we are only experiencing what we'd like to experience, what we THINK we are experiencing which is actually what someone or something else has programmed for us to feel?

Let's swop the Agents in The Matrix for God. God (Agents) is the one that created and planned us in this big play called Life (The Matrix). How can we be sure that we are experiencing what we ARE experiencing and not what God planned for us to experience?

So many things that seem real are actually unreal. A flower that blooms fades into nothing and it seems as if the flower was never there. Love seems real too until the one you love dies.

I've never had a dream in which I know that I'm dreaming although some people know they are in a dream when dreaming. No matter how ludicrous the dream is, my sense of reality will only hint at something that seems amiss but dismiss that struggle between the real and fantasy. Hence every dream I have feels so real. How then, do we differentiate between reality and dream if you feel that the dream is real?

Living And Dying II

2006-04-01T12:57:00.000+08:00

It is selfish and cruel of people who are on the brink of dying to say to their loved ones: "You must go on. Only then can I go in peace."

In Dae Jang Geum aka Jewel In The Palace, before Jang Geum's Mum and Lady Han died, they'd told her to live on, not to give up in life. But it is cruel of them to tell her that because she was going to lose the one who was close and who took care of her. It is tiring to struggle on through life without your support. 与其痛苦地过一生, 不如潇洒地离去. To make your loved ones promise to live on, to continue a senseless struggle that may be futile-it is cruel indeed.

Of course, if I were to look from the end of the dying person, it is out of love that the dying one says that. Love and a thinking that the one who lives on is a hope. They always say as long as there is life, there is hope. But it is only true to the extent where the one who lives on doesn't despair/grow tired from all the struggling. Quite pointless to continue with life if one doesn't feel any hope/is already weary.

Teachers And Mentors

2006-04-01T12:50:00.000+08:00

"The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires." William Arthur Ward said that. I've met my share of mediocre, good, superior and great teachers.

The really great ones inspire. They never give you up. If you are not up to par, they fault not you but themselves. Many times during training, I felt like giving up. But I'd think "If Sam Sir/John Sir haven't given up on me yet, how can I give up on myself?" So I push myself. And I become better. In a sense, they inspire me with their actions. Some great teachers inspire with their words like Ms Ng and Sam Sir. They encourage you and believe in you. Words are meaningless unless you give them meaning. Because they say they believe in you and they DO believe in you, you find an unknown strength. I do not wish to talk about lousy teachers because they are the pits and a waste of my breath.

Since the time I started growing out of my innocent/naviety, I've had the good fortune of having mentors coming into my life. Mentors are like guardian angels. They guide you and will even protect you. Some angels are dark ones though. They are not the pure, white angels in the strict sense. But dark angels open you up to the deviant way as a way of teaching. One has to know about the dark ways to be wise(r).

Elan has said that she wished there's someone she can look up to who can guide her. I feel that everyone needs a mentor. Whether you get one depends on your luck. I wonder when my luck will run out.

Jealousy

2006-04-01T12:44:00.000+08:00

Jealousy comes in many forms. You feel it when your stead/spouse is (especially) nice to another other than you, when your siblings get more of something from your parents than you, when your best friend gives more attention to another friend than to you, when someone you like/love trusts another more than you.

Jealousy is immature. It is evil. It is part of human nature. I can't help but admit that I had fallen prey to jealousy.

Jealousy makes one do foolish things which he may regret later. Because of jealousy, you may turn the left way. Because of jealousy, you could very well hurt the person you love as a result of that love which created jealousy.

Faith

2006-04-01T12:39:00.000+08:00

This is something that I've been grappling with. Faith is the twin of Trust. How do we trust in the unknown? We are told to have faith in whatever happens but what exactly is faith? It cannot be seen or heard, smelled or touched. Humans find it easier to trust in something that's visible. If we were to have faith in what cannot be seen, of which little is known, we risk having faith in nothing. Because nothing can't be seen and there's nothing to know about nothing. So to protect ourselves we put our faith in the tangible and what can be seen.

I don't know what can inspire faith. In "The Last Vampire" by Christopher Pike, Alisa was told by Kalika that "Words cannot inspire faith. Only love can destroy the maya." If that is true, what am I to have love in then? And isn't love a consequence of faith? So ultimately, how does one believe in the unbelivable?

Trust

2006-04-01T12:36:00.000+08:00

You naturally get close to someone when there is a meeting of minds. When bonds are later formed, you begin to put in more trust in the relationship and also in the other one. When the other one breaks your trust, you feel foolish for trusting. There are some whom you can't totally trust no matter who they are to you or how often you see them. I was misguided and feel wasted for misplaced trust. Another mishap of my naviety.

Dreams

2006-04-01T12:26:00.000+08:00

Elan's blog is more like a show review site. I probably can sit down and analyse a show critically like her but I am not so enthusiastic.

There are many shows in which the human spirit of dreaming, the building of dreams, the living of dreams are demonstrated. "Good Luck!" (Japanese drama) was one such show. The passion which Shinkai Hajime (Takuya Kimura) had for flying was so great that he'd difficulty convincing himself to give up that dream when he injured his legs, and later putting himself to great risk by going through the operation. Had the operation failed, he wouldn't be able to walk again. I was able to feel that agony, that sorrow, that love he had for flying. That show was a true portrayal of dreaming.

We all have our dreams. You may harbour them for 2, 3, 5 years but until you build foundations for your dreams, they'll always remain as what they are: dreams. There's a part of dreaming that shouldn't be neglected. With dreams come wishing. While working towards your dream, you'll also wish that one day, this dream will come to fruition. Nothing is worse than dreaming a lost or broken dream. To hold on to a dream and then ultimately realise that the dream can never materialise is one of the most cruel things that Nature can make Man go through. To go through the process of building a dream, living a dream, hoping, wondering-to finally end in despair! How cruel the irony! Why torture oneself by having a glimpse of what can never be?

One's Greatest Enemy Is Himself

2006-04-01T12:23:00.000+08:00

Indeed so. I've made blunders which cost me dearly. No one else made them for me. No one else caused them directly or indirectly. To plan my moves so merticulously and then make a wrong move that could cause me my whole chess game, only this is real. I am filled with dread. I should hate myself for messing things up for myself but the right hand does not slap the left hand. Both hands belong to one. I've loved myself so much and now, I should hate myself. One's greatest enemy is himself.

Smile

2006-04-01T12:19:00.000+08:00

There are many kinds of smile. You smile when you are happy; you smile a sad smile at bittersweet memories; you smile a forced/fake smile when you meet people you don't wish to meet but whom you still have dealings with. You smile when others smile.

I like the smile that comes from the heart because it's sincere. That is a true smile, one that lights up your face. The smile that lights up the room. The smile that is infectious. There are some people who ALWAYS smile and there are others whom you can NEVER squeeze a smile out of them. It is nice to see someone who always smiles. But it's nice too when you see a smile from the one who never smiles. So those smiles are rare and precious and sweet. Whichever smile you see, when you see a smile, you'll be smiling too as a natural response.

Failing

2006-04-01T12:10:00.000+08:00

People say that when you aim for something, even if you fail to reach your goal, you have not totally failed because in the process of trying, you have successfully learnt something and are a success in that sense. They say it's only those who don't try that are the real failures. I think all these are just perceptions. What's the use of trying if you are going to fail ultimately? Who looks at the process nowadays? Society'll only look at the end results, if you can deliver and meet targets. No one saw the 5,000 swings a day from Tiger Woods. Everyone only sees him as a golfing champion but the amount of sweat and tears that were shed often go unnoticed. If you fail, you'll be condemned by the world. Or yourself. The world teaches you to condemn yourself. We take failure at face value and don't look at the effort that went behind the trying.

No one likes to fail. Although we always hear meaningful words like "It doesn't matter if you fail because you haven't really failed as long as you try", I am more inclined to think otherwise because sadly, I too, like many others, am an unfortunate stooge of society. Society only rewards success and neglects the effort of the failed/unsuccessful heroes. I don't embrace failure; but some people when they deviate from their goals, they gain experience in other matters and become very good in other things. In that sense, have they really failed?

One good thing about training is I realised that as long as you try, even if you fail to meet your expectations, you'll not be very far from your goals. So I aim for the moon. Even if I fail, I'll land on the stars. Better the stars than drift around aimlessly in space.

Chances

2006-04-01T12:05:00.000+08:00

"Opportunity knocks but once". Dad believes that heaven is fair so we get not one but two chances. If you miss the first time, you've another chance but if you miss a second time, you're a fool. Maybe Dad's right. Life's full of choices and opportunities. If you miss a chance, you can try again. Sometimes though, we only get what they call the "once in a lifetime opportunity". How many times did opportunities come to you and you turn your head away for a moment only to have them slip right through your fingers?

Those who believe that they only get to live once will say "To hell with it. I only got one life and I've to make full use of it. Seize the chance!" I believe that this is just one of the many lives/carnations I'm going through so I don't think in the way of "One life; One opportunity". Rather, it is the love for adventure that beckons me. I'd willingly risk my life for adventure. Excitement and fun give meaning to a life.

God & Reality

2006-04-01T11:55:00.000+08:00

Atheists don't believe in the existence of gods or a god for that matter. I know that some things that happened/are happening/are going to happen are beyond humans and some greater force must be at work. Elan has argued that humans create religions and gods because we NEED to. We have to fall back on something, some greater power to explain the inexplicable. Elan is not wrong because humans are weak and if we don't latch on to some reason to explain why things are the way they are, then we'd be like headless chickens. We have to create gods whom we believe created us instead. We then create characteristics for these gods we created eg. kind, merciful, omniscient, omnipresent etc. So we create gods who will guide and protect us weak humans. If one fine day, you wake up and realise that there's no god and you were in a dream, what are you going to do? We'd be shattered because our dream, that perfect picture we created-god is shattered.

Past

2006-04-01T11:50:00.000+08:00

Each of us has our past. Haven't we all heard this before: "The past is gone. Tomorrow is unknown. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the Present."? It is all very well to say "Forget the past and live for the moment" but it is undeniable that the past is linked to the future through the present. The past is what shapes the present. In time to come, the present will become the past and the future the present. It is because of what we've gone through that we are who we are now. One can try to erase memories, change identity, change personality but he can never shake off the past. He can love it; he can hate it but his past is a shadow that'll follow him wherever he goes.

The ghosts of the past haunt me.

Regrets

2006-04-01T10:02:00.000+08:00

I cannot remember how many times I've regretted doing the things I did in my life. Frankly, no matter how I lament about a situation, what others say, what those who are tangled in a particular situation with me feel, I don't look back and say "If only I'd done that." Whatever has happened is over. I do not care what would have happened "if I only I'd done that". I do not wish to spend my life regretting. So even when I've made a misjudgment, I never regret because I'd made the best decision I could based on knowledge and experiences that were available to me then. No matter how many regrets one has Life still goes on.