Time Is Of The Essence

School has started. I have embarked on my Uni life. Feel that I'm in a pressure cooker once school started. I keep on looking at the time every since school started. Even when I was talking to close ones I keep on looking at the time. I dislike it immensely. Feel like I'm a businessman under time constraint all the time, always in a race against time. That I've to keep on looking at the time and "delete" play/fun/personal time and "insert" work. I'm cutting out/cutting short conversations or what I want to say with the ones who matter to me in exchange for more time. It's an expense on personal relationships and it's saddening.

Feel that I've so many things to do but so little time. That 24h a day is not enough. I keep on praying that I've more time to do all that has to be done but my prayers are unanswered (I think).

Boon in Sec school once said: "Time is what you make of it". I thought it was meaningful. I don't have time but I make time. So when someone offers you his time, grab it. Especially when it's someone whose experiences you can learn from, someone whose bank of knowledge you can draw upon. Most of the time, I don't give two hoots about this too much. As long as I am comfortable with someone, I will spend my time with him.

To know the value of time, one should ask a runner who came in second place in a race. The difference between a gold medal and a silver one is a split second's difference. I, of all people should know this better since being able to kick faster than your opponent gives you an edge in competitions. Still, I don't seem to treasure my time and have to admit that I do procrastinate at times.

I have just wasted a number of minutes (not sure how many) of my life blogging this entry and I shall never get those seconds back again. Someone once said: "Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted". Fine. I am torn between wasting my time and wasting away my relationships. I would like to spend more time with people whom I care about but I can't afford to. Before I know it, their time or my time would be gone and what's left are only regrets.

What Goes Around Comes Around

The world is your mirror. Where have I heard it before? How you treat others, others will treat you the same in return. What goes around comes around.

I am touched so I reciprocate with love. I've been torched by cold fire before so I felt like burning. I hurt so I hurt in return. It is natural. A natural order of things.

Negativity is not bred overnight. It is callousness, carelessness, a lack of dignity and respect that birth negativity. Any kind of negativity. I do not believe there are born psychopaths. Neither is hate a result of one unpleasant event. There is only so much a person can tolerate. When pushed over the limit and he snaps, it'll not be easy trying to reverse the change.

I DETEST being dared. When pushed, I will not hesitate to take drastic action. Desperate people do desperate things. Likewise, when feelings are stoked to a boiling intensity, demons are/will be unleashed.

Trust II

How do you trust in someone you find hard to? How can you keep on trusting when promises have been broken one time too many? It takes a long time to build up trust and it doesn't take a lot to break it. How then, can one break trust which has been built up so easily? To treat it carelessly and break it with indifference? I don't understand.

I want to trust but after too many empty words, everything is a lie. 我已经心灰意冷了.

Dreaming II

In "Red Sky In The Morning", there was a part where Anna dreamt of Ben after he died. Anna woke up crying because the grief felt fresh and raw then. Then she went back to sleep. When she woke up in the morning, she felt normal. The grief was gone.

Elan said the feeling is in-between waking and sleeping. When you are asleep or just woke up from a dream you're not fully awake yet, like you are in a state of drunkedness. Sometimes you are very affected by certain emotions. Then after you wake up fully, the emotions are not there anymore. It is, according to Anna, like "a crack in the wall", and in Elan's words, "a glimpse into your feelings".

When you are asleep or just woke up, sometimes it's not fully awake and things you've dreamt still affect you or you stay in a certain emotion you experienced in your dream. For example, if in your dream, you are sad, you feel the heaviness and sadness; you'll be crying; maybe you have tears in your eyes. When you are fully awake, the feeling's gone. It's like a state of drunkedness. Things that you feel, you say and do are real and not real at the same time. Real because it comes from deep within. Not real because you're not fully in control, you're not conscious of what you're doing. Elan thinks that it's part of our subconscious. Elan said in Anna's case her grief is real and maifests this way. It is a way for her to also get over it by expressing it-in a dream state. Elan said that in such cases maybe one should think about what he felt and what it meant instead of brushing it off like a lot of people do. When you're subconsciously expressing something it tells you about yourself...more than what you can see in real life consciously. Because when you're doing it consciously you may choose to repress a certain part of yourself. For example maybe in front of your enemies you don't want to show any weakness, so you show a very strong exterior. But it doesn't mean you have no weaknesses at all. Consciousness is a choice.

I wondered about recurring dreams of a loved one dying/who's dead. I feel it's grief, part of grieving, of the mind trying to let go in the form of dreams. Recurring dreams probably means that one can't let go of the death. Elan thinks complicated. She said it's very weird. Some people think it's paranormal. Some people see it as grief or remembrance.

Elan is such an intellectual friend I think if I die before her, I'll just continue those mental challenges, verbal sparring, intellectual debates/discussions by coming back as a ghoul in her dreams. Haha.