Tears

Tears are precious. I believe so. When I was younger, I seldom, if ever, cried. When I watched a touching show, I'd hold back my tears. I reached a point where I'd be very touched and tear but I will not let the first tear drop.

When ah1 ma3 was warded in Sec 3, I remember the struggle I had holding back my tears. Those tears burned my eyes as I desperately tried to hold them back. They didn't fall.

Korean shows are such weepies and tear-jerkers. A typical Korean show (excluding horror genre) has its actors crying countless times before the show ends. Korean shows are too lavish in dishing out the tears. Tears are precious. What a waste of tears.

When I lost the IVP in 2005, I was so disappointed that two tears fell from my eyes. But when Von left, something went wrong with my tear glands. I couldn't control my tears.

Doris's friend's son's now brain-dead and in a coma. But when the son's father visited the son, the son teared. How? How is it possible for someone who's brain-dead to still be able to know your loved ones are around and cry? Logically speaking, it is impossible. That's why I think tears are precious and shouldn't be expensed so freely. We should only cry when experiencing intense extreme emotions. Though actors and some others have the ability to cry like turning on a tap. And when you say "Stop", you can hear the clink of metal as the tap is turned off. And the tears will stop.

There are also those who shed crocodile tears. Selfish, hypocritical, obnoxious people are the scum of the earth. Those two-faced creatures will be judged by their actions one day.

Elan said that when her grandma died, her other grandma was practically wailing like in a wayang. She felt it was too showy as opposed to the unshed tears of her Dad and uncle. Though her Dad and uncle didn't cry, she could sense their sorrow.

The point I'm trying to make is that tears are precious and should not be shed so easily (save for actors).

Kindness, Selflessness And Selfishness

Although I don't admire Lee Young Ae for her looks anymore, she still impresses me as someone who's a cut above others in limelight. Excluding the fact that not many Koreans or Japanese can speak fluent English and Lee Young Ae can speak fluent English, it is her kindness and honesty to self that I admire. Apparently, she's a UNICEF ambassador. In her autobiography <<最特别的爱>>, the photo of her washing a child who seemed to have not washed himself for months in this poor place she volunteered left a mark on me.

I've always believed that humans are born good. That the basest nature of humans is good, not evil. I used to be very kind. At least kinder than I am now. As the years went by, I changed. The harsh reality of life set in. I was still filled with idealism a couple of years back. Now, hearing Lee Young Ae volunteering in poverty-stricken places fill me with shame. It's rare to see prominent personalities volunteering. The other person I know of is Hillary Clinton who was truly concerned with women's rights. She also went to Third World places. Another was Princess Diana. Of course, all these volunteering or visits to worse off places could have been publicity stunts to market the celebrities. I prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Today, Doris said that it's hard to find good doctors who are kind these days. In ancient times, Chinese physicians could tell poor patients "You don't have to pay a single cent" because the physicians plucked the herbs from the forests and used them as medicine. Now, even if the doctor tells you he'll waive the consultation charges, you still have to pay for the medicine. AD said that there are still good doctors who are kind and that it's a modern tragedy that everywhere you go, it's "dollars and cents".

Selfishness is a disease. For the entire 3 years of my Poly life, I despised Yusof. Although I believe that humans are inherently good, he must have been born on the wrong side of the bed. His selfishness is appalling. Although I lost to him in the end, I'm glad that I'm not like him. I still have certain morals and ethics. Selfishness is part of human nature. Or some bad habit we pick up along the way. Selfishness arises because of insecurity but I despise people who bring selfishness to extreme extent. I despised Yusof, still despised him and will continue to do so.

I think I admire very kind people because I know I'm not like them and maybe never will be. It is people like Mother Theresa that put me to shame.

Love (Afar And Near)

I've gotten over Lee Young Ae. I'm glad my head is still on my shoulders because I felt so foolish admiring someone for her good looks. Senseless to be infatuated with someone you can never have/get to know. I don't know which is worse:

1) To fall in love with someone eg. crush from afar and know there's no possibility of you knowing him/her or have your affection reciprocated, or

2) To fall in love with someone who is right before your eyes in damning circumstances which do not permit you both together eg. both are already engaged/married, the relationship would be frowned upon and deemed incest or inappropriate or otherwise by society.

Both are pathetic scenarios with a tinge of beautiful sadness. Love itself is, afterall beautiful. But to draw a boundary around love which needs air to breathe is tragic. Beautifully tragic. Because you fall in love with a love that doesn't belong to you.

Respect To Self And Reputation To Family

I was recently better acquainted with this topic as a result of Dae Jang Geum. In that show, we saw initially Lady Choi's reluctance to cause the death of her friend, Min Young (Jang Geum's Mum). But Lady Choi came from a family which had held the position of Top Lady for 5 generations. She, against her will, eventually turned the other way to uphold the honour to self and family. We saw too how Choi Geum Young also went through the same predicament of choosing the same path.

When I watched Dae Jang Geum, I didn't think much about how important it was to Lady Choi to maintain that reputation of her family. I just thought she was damn evil, evil to the core. Only when I came across other information about Korean culture did I realise that what I'd so easily dismissed was actually highly valued in Koeran (and I think also Japanese) society. Reminds me of the archaic times of the Chinese emperors where females who are raped would commit suicide because their chastity had been tainted. There's a common thread through the Chinese females committing suicide or Lady Choi/Choi Geum Young scheming and plotting against Jang Geum or modern Koreans studying impossibly hard (Sleep four hours and fail. Sleep three hours and pass.) to secure a place in a (good) university. It's all for respect from others to self and family.

Traditions have eroded over time for better and for worse. Maybe I'll lament the Gen Y of today for taking issues like pre-marital sex, drug consumption lightly. But one has to live with the times. I'm still glad I'm not bound by an extremely rigid code of honour where it's family first, self second. I'm glad my family won't force me to be with someone I don't feel for (I'm watching too much of Korean shows) or force me to study because it'll bring honour to the family. Rather, I'm forced to study hard and do well because paper qualifications are of paramount importance in order to secure a good pay/job in our society. Honour to family and self will come as a result of doing well. Honour will come later. It takes second place compared to getting a good pay/job.

It is when I see communities like the Korean society where the reputation of a family is more important than the feelings of the individual that I am reminded of what Elan said: "Filial Piety which a highly prized confucius ideal had long since evolved from being an admirable sentiment, to a form of emotional blackmail, an act of love to an act of obligation. It is even an act perpetuated by law." Filial piety is pure and natural because you are grateful to your parents. It should not be demanded because the expectation of something in return causes the original pristine love to be twisted/perverted.

Depression

I've experienced depression before but not acutely like the clinical type where one engages in self-inflicted pain.

At the end of Year 3 Sem 1, when revision week for exams started, I fell into what I call the "cesspit of depression". For the first two days of revision week, I couldn't do anything. Literally. I revised but nothing sank in. I'm really lucky to have Elan as my friend. After having a good talk with she who had also been through this crisis, I felt much better. THEN and only then, my revision started.

I've been depressed before but that kind of numbing depression that paralyses you and leave you helpless was a first for me. It was terrible. I was no better than a useless person good for nothing save to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide. Anyway, I wish I never have to hold hands with depression again. It is depressing to be depressed. Depression, like other states of mind, will become part of one if held on too long.

Reel And Real Life

Someone told me that what happens in reel life happens in real life. Maybe MOST, not ALL of what took place in the movies do happen in reality.

If not for the fact that it was announced that "All In" was based on a true story, I'd have dismissed the story to the realm of make-believe. In fact, what happened in real life was even more dramatic than reel life. Mr Cha Min-su went to Las Vegas with only 18 bucks and became a millionaire. Incredible.

Many shows, especially Korean shows, tell of lovers being forced to love someone they don't love because their true love came too late. Later than the one that's available for them at the moment (who happens to be someone who can't create the sparks in their heart). Then they are forced to agree to marry the ones they don't love because they can't let down/owe the ones they don't love. Between finding true love and finally being with their true love is the agony of staying on with the ones they don't love for the sake of staying on. It's silly. As the Korean shows would say "要承受多大的煎熬".

Mrs Tay said that when she and her first boyfriend were dating and they knew that they were not compatible in thoughts neither party wanted to break up even though they knew they should. So they carried on the relationship for another half a year or so-painfully. Ster finds it incredulous and said: "Since it's a full stop, why drag the full stop and make the full stop so ugly?" Essentially, Ster feels that a full stop is a full stop. 长痛不如短痛. There's no point in insistence on the impossible. The result will only be excruciating exhaustion on both ends.

Anyway, the thing is, reel life can happen in real life and vice-versa. I wonder why people adamantly hang on to hopeless relationships/situations with conclusions long foregone. To attain happiness, one needs to make a clean break from the mess that's dragging him or her down. Perhaps it's easier said than done.

Well-intended Meddling

I did not realise that my well-intended advice to Elan was meddling until recently.

Yes, no one can understand the interactions between someone and his family. Because every family is different. But yes, I've gone through years of emotional sparring (with self and family) so it doesn't necessary mean that I don't understand what you are going through.

When Ster tried to be what I tried to be to Elan: a well-meaning person, I recalled what Elan said and I finally understood Elan's words: "World, for once and for all I'd like to tell you that it is immature of you to butt into another person's private affairs with unasked-for advice. Secondly, it is unspeakably naive to think that just by a few cliche, ill-timed advice can you actually attempt to change the existing situation. Familial interactions has a great effect on our emotions and is one of the most complex territories in the human world."

Of course I felt that before. But I didn't know I know it. The fact that the world can never fully (or even partially) understand the actual situation only struck me recently when I read Elan's blog and was put in the exact situation that Elan was in.

Yes, no outsider can truly understand a family and its interactions. I, too like Elan, do not appreciate it when well-meaning meddlers try to give me advice. They do not understand a speck of the inner conflicts, the struggles between the parties, not having seen those wars. It feels like they are imposing themselves on me and instead of achieving the effect they want, they end up making me more rankled than ever. Sometimes I'd rather they leave me/us alone. 解铃还需系铃人. Sometimes, it's easier and better for the parties to work things out themselves.

Other times, intervention may be and/or is necessary. Recently, the police have become guardians of children with their taking down of the names of teens who are still out after 11pm and notifying the parents what their children have been up to. I do not support or denounce this. Basically, I'm a fence-sitter on this. But I do think that intervention could help parties at times, but not all the time.

Wine-bottle Opening

Wine-bottle opening is a skill. Maybe I don't have enough strength. Maybe I didn't have enough skill. Whatever it is, I still have a hard time opening wine bottles. Fri-31/3, worked up a sweat trying to pull the bloody cork out of the bottle. In the end, I asked for help. My arm's still aching now.

While straining against the bottle, I recalled this story of a man trying to move a huge rock. He pushed against it every day but it didn't move. Finally, one day, the man complained to God about that and God told the man to look at his arms. They'd grown muscular from the effort of pushing the rock. God was trying to say that obstacles are put in place for us to push against and overcome and become stronger.

What did I learn?
1) Not all obstacles can be overcome.
2) Some obstacles cannot be overcome by yourself. There are times when we have to ask for help.

Wishes

In my next life, I want to be an aristocrat. Everyday, I'll discuss music, wine, literature, philosophy, society and government with other fellow academics and scholars. I want to be so powerful/influential that politicians are kept on their toes and can't help but to fulfil their duty to the citizens in the best way they can.

If I'm born into a Western family, I shall be famous at fencing. If I'm born in the East, I shall be a great martial artist. I aspire to be great at martial arts because my martial arts life this life is (nearly) over. I'll still be a daredevil and challenge boundaries. I want to rob the rich and give to the poor. I want to be a king and a pauper. To know how both feel. I want to throw lots of parties and also retreat to the mountains/a private island/sail out to the vast ocean when I am in the mood.

If I can, I'd like to be a vampire. To have superhuman strength and abilities. Cool.

Do birthday wishes come true? For the past 2 years, I've been wishing for the same thing. I wish and I wish and I wished. But reality and wishes run opposite to each other. Some forces are just beyond your control no matter how hard you wish.

Heroes

First of, there are tragic heroes like Brutus and Macbeth. Honourable people with only one flaw that cause their downfall.

Then there are other humans we idolise as heroes. I can dwell on this a bit more as I'm currently succumbing to the aftereffects of Dae Jang Geum.

It's been eons since I last idolised someone. Haha. I grew up without having any favourite cartoon character (no heroes). It was only during my turbulent adolescent years when my hormones had a mind of their own that I started having idols/crushes. Naturally, I fell head-over-heels over them. Eventually, I managed to recapture some semblance of sanity and get my wandering heart back. After my last real crush, it seemed to be the end of a crushing phase for me, or so I thought. Nonetheless, my heart still stirred when I watched Lee Young Ae in Dae Jang Geum. Well, it's just a fool's moment of infatuation so I'm not too bothered by it but will be absorbed in it while it lasts. Anyway, I don't think this time, it can be considered a crush/idolising. I notice a shift in my thinking. While in the past I was fascinated by superficial information about my crushes such as their biography-birthday, likes, dislikes, hobbies which practically everyone else knows about, this time I am more curious about Lee Young Ae as an individual such as her thoughts/views on life/issues. I begin to go beyond the good looks and seek out the person within.

There are also real life heroes who sacrifice their lives to save others eg. Mandy's friend's brother, a lifeguard at sea who tried to save a drowning person. Although he managed to do so, he did not have the strength to swim back to shore and was pulled away by the currents.

I've never really had a TRUE hero to look up to, to respect and emulate although I've idolised before and I respect my mentors. But how I feel towards my mentors is different from how I think I should feel if (an unconditional if) and when I have a hero. I think I'm seeking what Elan is seeking: A figure who inspires, whose values you can fall back on when you are at crossroads or roadblocks. A role model.

Fear

I can only talk of fear in terms I can associate with. There are the different kinds of fear. There are the "-phobias". If you watch Fear Factor, you know that fear is not a factor. There is fear when you realise a mistake you make could have dastardly consequences. There is fear from parents/authorities. And there is of course fear from death if I point a gun at you. Many of our fears are irrational.

It is the fear from failure that propels me. Fear that if I fail, the world will become cold and empty. Ms Ng said before that it's good to have a healthy sense of fear so you won't be too complacent. Sometimes though, this fear takes on a life of its own and paralyses you.

Fear can be overcome with confidence. But I still quake when I go into the ring. I freeze up and I underperform. We fear that we don't do a good job when it's an important piece of work. When everything goes on too smoothly for you, won't you fear too?

I don't know about the "healthy sense of fear". I only know that it is fear: fear from setback, fear from disappointment, fear from losing that I thrive in.

Love (+Hurt), Hate II

"All is fair in love and war". Yes, love can and will come to everyone who opens up his heart regardless of his social status, aptitudes or beliefs. Love can last through all times. Sometimes, you meet people you barely know but you feel so much love for them (and vice versa) that you are sure this love can never be from this life but has survived through the carnations. If it goes that love can pass through the times, hate too will not be killed so easily.

The most incredible form of love is indescribable love. You love till you hurt. You feel so much love that it feels as though the love is going to kill you. So great is this love that it can overcome all obstacles. Love and hate share this unknown power. The difference is in the hurt that love and hate bring. To love until you hurt-the hurt is sweet. Conversely, when you hate, the hate will gnaw at you and the hurt in you is bitter.

If love is fire, hate is ice. Both burn.

Attention

Everyone needs attention. Lots of it. Without attention, one becomes cold. Aren't there marriages that fail because couples don't give enough attention to each other and to the marriage? When I don't give you attention, I am cold to you, our relationship will also become cold. If I give you lots of attention, you feel good because I care for you. Everyone likes to be loved.

We all seek attention because we need it. All that bid for the so-called success is all for recognition aka attention. We all crave attention, be it from our friends, family or the world out there. No attention equates to no love which we try desperately to avoid. And so, we do all kinds of things-good, evil, weird-to ultimately get the attention we want. We give more attention to get more attention although the same cannot be said of fans chasing after idols because idols don't give two hoots about their fans as individuals.

I know for a fact that what delinquents seek is actually attention. They turn bad because the world doesn't understand them or give them attention. So they seek attention from bad company. Were they given more attention, they wouldn't be delinquents. It's sad that people don't give attention that's needed and give unwanted attention instead.

Competition

I live in a competitive society. Since young, I've always been competing. I compete with my cousins; I compete with classmates; I compete with best friends. I compete until I lose myself. I wonder what my life is worth: Is it the value of competition?

Of course competition is the impetus for change and advancement. But it is a fact that in that competition people sacrifice the immaterial for the material and lose themselves.

In the ring, there's always a winner and a loser. It is so in every competition. I feel good competing in something that I'm adept at. When I deliver results, I feel great. But isn't my happiness at triumphing over others built on the disappointment and tears of those who lost to me?

We always compete to be the best. Most of the time, we compete with others. We should compete with ourselves.

I'm somewhat tired of competing with others all the time. There's a fear that I'm worse/lousier than my opponents. I feel that I can go further, be much more if I only compete with myself. Ironically, it is the external competition that we look up to as a source of achieving a higher quality of life that is inhibiting my growth.

Reality And Fallacy

What is real and what's not? Looking at the kitchen clock which batteries are weak hence making the clock slower, I was lulled into a false sense of belief that it's still 7.15pm when it should be 7.30pm.

The Matrix trilogy was excellent in bringing across this point of "The Real" vs "The Really?". How do we know what you see is real because all is not what it seems (you cannot see love but you can feel it and you know it's there in your heart), looks can deceive. Even the heart can lie. How do we know that we are not inside some computer program like The Matrix, that we are only experiencing what we'd like to experience, what we THINK we are experiencing which is actually what someone or something else has programmed for us to feel?

Let's swop the Agents in The Matrix for God. God (Agents) is the one that created and planned us in this big play called Life (The Matrix). How can we be sure that we are experiencing what we ARE experiencing and not what God planned for us to experience?

So many things that seem real are actually unreal. A flower that blooms fades into nothing and it seems as if the flower was never there. Love seems real too until the one you love dies.

I've never had a dream in which I know that I'm dreaming although some people know they are in a dream when dreaming. No matter how ludicrous the dream is, my sense of reality will only hint at something that seems amiss but dismiss that struggle between the real and fantasy. Hence every dream I have feels so real. How then, do we differentiate between reality and dream if you feel that the dream is real?

Living And Dying II

It is selfish and cruel of people who are on the brink of dying to say to their loved ones: "You must go on. Only then can I go in peace."

In Dae Jang Geum aka Jewel In The Palace, before Jang Geum's Mum and Lady Han died, they'd told her to live on, not to give up in life. But it is cruel of them to tell her that because she was going to lose the one who was close and who took care of her. It is tiring to struggle on through life without your support. 与其痛苦地过一生, 不如潇洒地离去. To make your loved ones promise to live on, to continue a senseless struggle that may be futile-it is cruel indeed.

Of course, if I were to look from the end of the dying person, it is out of love that the dying one says that. Love and a thinking that the one who lives on is a hope. They always say as long as there is life, there is hope. But it is only true to the extent where the one who lives on doesn't despair/grow tired from all the struggling. Quite pointless to continue with life if one doesn't feel any hope/is already weary.

Teachers And Mentors

"The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires." William Arthur Ward said that. I've met my share of mediocre, good, superior and great teachers.

The really great ones inspire. They never give you up. If you are not up to par, they fault not you but themselves. Many times during training, I felt like giving up. But I'd think "If Sam Sir/John Sir haven't given up on me yet, how can I give up on myself?" So I push myself. And I become better. In a sense, they inspire me with their actions. Some great teachers inspire with their words like Ms Ng and Sam Sir. They encourage you and believe in you. Words are meaningless unless you give them meaning. Because they say they believe in you and they DO believe in you, you find an unknown strength. I do not wish to talk about lousy teachers because they are the pits and a waste of my breath.

Since the time I started growing out of my innocent/naviety, I've had the good fortune of having mentors coming into my life. Mentors are like guardian angels. They guide you and will even protect you. Some angels are dark ones though. They are not the pure, white angels in the strict sense. But dark angels open you up to the deviant way as a way of teaching. One has to know about the dark ways to be wise(r).

Elan has said that she wished there's someone she can look up to who can guide her. I feel that everyone needs a mentor. Whether you get one depends on your luck. I wonder when my luck will run out.

Jealousy

Jealousy comes in many forms. You feel it when your stead/spouse is (especially) nice to another other than you, when your siblings get more of something from your parents than you, when your best friend gives more attention to another friend than to you, when someone you like/love trusts another more than you.

Jealousy is immature. It is evil. It is part of human nature. I can't help but admit that I had fallen prey to jealousy.

Jealousy makes one do foolish things which he may regret later. Because of jealousy, you may turn the left way. Because of jealousy, you could very well hurt the person you love as a result of that love which created jealousy.

Faith

This is something that I've been grappling with. Faith is the twin of Trust. How do we trust in the unknown? We are told to have faith in whatever happens but what exactly is faith? It cannot be seen or heard, smelled or touched. Humans find it easier to trust in something that's visible. If we were to have faith in what cannot be seen, of which little is known, we risk having faith in nothing. Because nothing can't be seen and there's nothing to know about nothing. So to protect ourselves we put our faith in the tangible and what can be seen.

I don't know what can inspire faith. In "The Last Vampire" by Christopher Pike, Alisa was told by Kalika that "Words cannot inspire faith. Only love can destroy the maya." If that is true, what am I to have love in then? And isn't love a consequence of faith? So ultimately, how does one believe in the unbelivable?

Trust

You naturally get close to someone when there is a meeting of minds. When bonds are later formed, you begin to put in more trust in the relationship and also in the other one. When the other one breaks your trust, you feel foolish for trusting. There are some whom you can't totally trust no matter who they are to you or how often you see them. I was misguided and feel wasted for misplaced trust. Another mishap of my naviety.

Dreams

Elan's blog is more like a show review site. I probably can sit down and analyse a show critically like her but I am not so enthusiastic.

There are many shows in which the human spirit of dreaming, the building of dreams, the living of dreams are demonstrated. "Good Luck!" (Japanese drama) was one such show. The passion which Shinkai Hajime (Takuya Kimura) had for flying was so great that he'd difficulty convincing himself to give up that dream when he injured his legs, and later putting himself to great risk by going through the operation. Had the operation failed, he wouldn't be able to walk again. I was able to feel that agony, that sorrow, that love he had for flying. That show was a true portrayal of dreaming.

We all have our dreams. You may harbour them for 2, 3, 5 years but until you build foundations for your dreams, they'll always remain as what they are: dreams. There's a part of dreaming that shouldn't be neglected. With dreams come wishing. While working towards your dream, you'll also wish that one day, this dream will come to fruition. Nothing is worse than dreaming a lost or broken dream. To hold on to a dream and then ultimately realise that the dream can never materialise is one of the most cruel things that Nature can make Man go through. To go through the process of building a dream, living a dream, hoping, wondering-to finally end in despair! How cruel the irony! Why torture oneself by having a glimpse of what can never be?

One's Greatest Enemy Is Himself

Indeed so. I've made blunders which cost me dearly. No one else made them for me. No one else caused them directly or indirectly. To plan my moves so merticulously and then make a wrong move that could cause me my whole chess game, only this is real. I am filled with dread. I should hate myself for messing things up for myself but the right hand does not slap the left hand. Both hands belong to one. I've loved myself so much and now, I should hate myself. One's greatest enemy is himself.

Smile

There are many kinds of smile. You smile when you are happy; you smile a sad smile at bittersweet memories; you smile a forced/fake smile when you meet people you don't wish to meet but whom you still have dealings with. You smile when others smile.

I like the smile that comes from the heart because it's sincere. That is a true smile, one that lights up your face. The smile that lights up the room. The smile that is infectious. There are some people who ALWAYS smile and there are others whom you can NEVER squeeze a smile out of them. It is nice to see someone who always smiles. But it's nice too when you see a smile from the one who never smiles. So those smiles are rare and precious and sweet. Whichever smile you see, when you see a smile, you'll be smiling too as a natural response.

Failing

People say that when you aim for something, even if you fail to reach your goal, you have not totally failed because in the process of trying, you have successfully learnt something and are a success in that sense. They say it's only those who don't try that are the real failures. I think all these are just perceptions. What's the use of trying if you are going to fail ultimately? Who looks at the process nowadays? Society'll only look at the end results, if you can deliver and meet targets. No one saw the 5,000 swings a day from Tiger Woods. Everyone only sees him as a golfing champion but the amount of sweat and tears that were shed often go unnoticed. If you fail, you'll be condemned by the world. Or yourself. The world teaches you to condemn yourself. We take failure at face value and don't look at the effort that went behind the trying.

No one likes to fail. Although we always hear meaningful words like "It doesn't matter if you fail because you haven't really failed as long as you try", I am more inclined to think otherwise because sadly, I too, like many others, am an unfortunate stooge of society. Society only rewards success and neglects the effort of the failed/unsuccessful heroes. I don't embrace failure; but some people when they deviate from their goals, they gain experience in other matters and become very good in other things. In that sense, have they really failed?

One good thing about training is I realised that as long as you try, even if you fail to meet your expectations, you'll not be very far from your goals. So I aim for the moon. Even if I fail, I'll land on the stars. Better the stars than drift around aimlessly in space.

Chances

"Opportunity knocks but once". Dad believes that heaven is fair so we get not one but two chances. If you miss the first time, you've another chance but if you miss a second time, you're a fool. Maybe Dad's right. Life's full of choices and opportunities. If you miss a chance, you can try again. Sometimes though, we only get what they call the "once in a lifetime opportunity". How many times did opportunities come to you and you turn your head away for a moment only to have them slip right through your fingers?

Those who believe that they only get to live once will say "To hell with it. I only got one life and I've to make full use of it. Seize the chance!" I believe that this is just one of the many lives/carnations I'm going through so I don't think in the way of "One life; One opportunity". Rather, it is the love for adventure that beckons me. I'd willingly risk my life for adventure. Excitement and fun give meaning to a life.

God & Reality

Atheists don't believe in the existence of gods or a god for that matter. I know that some things that happened/are happening/are going to happen are beyond humans and some greater force must be at work. Elan has argued that humans create religions and gods because we NEED to. We have to fall back on something, some greater power to explain the inexplicable. Elan is not wrong because humans are weak and if we don't latch on to some reason to explain why things are the way they are, then we'd be like headless chickens. We have to create gods whom we believe created us instead. We then create characteristics for these gods we created eg. kind, merciful, omniscient, omnipresent etc. So we create gods who will guide and protect us weak humans. If one fine day, you wake up and realise that there's no god and you were in a dream, what are you going to do? We'd be shattered because our dream, that perfect picture we created-god is shattered.

Past

Each of us has our past. Haven't we all heard this before: "The past is gone. Tomorrow is unknown. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the Present."? It is all very well to say "Forget the past and live for the moment" but it is undeniable that the past is linked to the future through the present. The past is what shapes the present. In time to come, the present will become the past and the future the present. It is because of what we've gone through that we are who we are now. One can try to erase memories, change identity, change personality but he can never shake off the past. He can love it; he can hate it but his past is a shadow that'll follow him wherever he goes.

The ghosts of the past haunt me.

Regrets

I cannot remember how many times I've regretted doing the things I did in my life. Frankly, no matter how I lament about a situation, what others say, what those who are tangled in a particular situation with me feel, I don't look back and say "If only I'd done that." Whatever has happened is over. I do not care what would have happened "if I only I'd done that". I do not wish to spend my life regretting. So even when I've made a misjudgment, I never regret because I'd made the best decision I could based on knowledge and experiences that were available to me then. No matter how many regrets one has Life still goes on.