风凉话

It's so easy to walk the talk when you are the one talking the talk and setting the boundaries of the talk. When I got into UMS, I said "I don't think it's that difficult to get into Uni afterall". Ecarg's Mum said "你当然讲风凉话啦!你没有想到其他学生进不了嘛!" That put me in my place. In my joy at being admitted into Uni, I'd grown big-headed. I'd forgotten about the other 8 students who were rejected because I got in. I realized that Ecarg's Mum was right: 我在讲风凉话.

So when someone told me that he could work hard and enjoy life at the same time, it got me thinking. 他也在讲风凉话. He is just lucky to be in the industry that suits him and be in a high position. Think about it: Were he the lowest lifeform in the food chain (in the working industry), would he still be saying the same? I hardly think so. If anything, he would be slogging his life off and probably lamenting that he can't enjoy life. I wonder if he'll ever realize the position of the poor/struggling lower-class, and appreciate the rich-poor divide. I wonder if one day, he'll know that 他只是在讲风凉话. I really do wonder.

Many times, 我们也在讲风凉话, only we didn't realize. Humans are myopic, viewing things only from their own perspectives. That is ignorance. We talk about others using our own context. For example, "If I am living in such and such a way, I don't see why others can't". We do not see that because others have their own limitations which we do not, they are unable to live like us. We take others-with their limitations-and put them-with their limitations-in our world free from those limitations AND judge them based on the rules in our world. That, is myopic.

To see things from others' perspectives, combine them with your own perspectives to form a total understanding of the situation AND THEN judge based on the rules/restrictions in THEIR world, THAT, is a mark of wisdom, probably only a baby-step towards wisdom.

Giving Up III

I have never seen myself as someone who gives up easily. I am a quietly determined person. Quietly determined to get what I want no matter what it takes, how it takes. Quietly determined and stubborn to pursue what I want relentlessly.

This term, I've been tormented by CAT. Someone said this: "School is like a lollipop. It sucks until it's gone." I cannot agree more with this. School-the birth and nesting ground for knowledge has become nothing more than a bad task master at times, driving us to meet deadlines AND cope with whatever modules it forces down our throat. At least UMS is like that.

I have been moaning about CAT since the time I started class. Prof admitted himself that this is not an easy module and right from the beginning, he warned us against taking up too many modules and overloading ourselves because CAT'd require us to fork out a lot of time. Logic is sometimes illogical. I got so sick of CAT that I was finally counting down to the time when lesson would be over. CAT was THAT bad. It got to a point when I became numbed and couldn't care less about CAT anymore. Even when I was failing my assignment. Even when I knew I'd fail my test. I gave up.

I'd said in "Giving Up", "But I did not know that giving up is not an easy task too." It seemed ages since I blogged that entry. To give up something precious, something which you hold dear, something else must come in place to replace the emptiness. Otherwise, it would be a seemingly futile attempt. I've given up TKD, the training which I so love. In its place, I'd put in perhaps something worthy for now. Eventually, I'll have to give this up too. If I give this up now, my life'd be void and empty. That, would be a cruelty I'd be doing to myself-ripping my own world apart now.

Sometimes, even though giving up is not an easy task, it may be the best alternative in a particular situation, painful as it is. Isn't it foolish to give up something which you've worked so hard for? Is it? I do not know how to give up. I can't give up. I don't want to give up. How does one give up so-and-so or such-and-such when it's become so entwined and so much a part of his life? If I could give up, I'd have done so long ago, before it merged into my living, my being, my life.

Loving More Than Loved II

In "Loving More Than Loved", I talked about Numero Uno. I'd also mentioned what Elan said in the same entry-"like what Elan said, 'there's always someone else in front, something else more important, something or somebody that they are more willing to give to'."

Consciously, I never thought of being first. On a subconscious level, I might have. I was never first in class. I'd aimed to be one of the best academically but I was beaten by Yusof. I comforted myself by saying maybe it's not so bad to lose to him because at least I didn't lose myself in the process of trying to be first. The only academics whom I know who are first are X and Yod. In some sense, I was also first-in my own way, I was the first "scholar" in the family to do relatively well in school to get into Uni. But I'd thought that at the end of the day, it was pointless being first because that glory dissipates after a while, that happiness is not long-lasting.

In "Every Second Counts", Lance Armstrong said "When I had a Porsche, before the birth of my kids, College was always begging me to ease off the accelerator. I'd roar down the freeways, while he flinched in the passenger seat, white-knuckled and cussing in anger. "Son of a bitch!" he'd scream, "Slow down!" I'd just die laughing...In the old days I'd descend so fast, sometimes I'd catch cars. Now I don't need to, I just get down the mountain, because the fact that I have a family is in the back of my mind. You can't win a race on a descent, but you can lose one, and you can lose your life, too. I don't want to lose my life, all I have, on a mountainside."

To Lance Armstrong, before he got married, a life of action was Number One in his life; after he had his own family, his Number One priority was his family. That, in turn governed his actions accordingly. When he'd cancer, living was Number One. Everything in life took second place in the face of death.

When I thought about death not too long ago, the Number One thing I'd in mind was to feel liberated then. When I felt sick and broke out in cold sweat just now, I thought of Number One. Number One was in outer space, oblivious to what I was going through. I was obviously not Number One's One. I thought back to the time when I threw up half of my guts and saw black and felt like dying. I'd thought of my Number One then. I realized how right Elan was about there being only ONE one at any time. To quote from Elan again, "if you're not the Best then you're not it." In the face of death, everything else either loses its meaning or enhances its meaning. You are suddenly illuminated by the white light of God. If you put Number One and Four/Six together, and both are dying, unless you are Number One, you'll never be thought of. Because only Number One will get the attention, only Number One will be thought of. Everything else comes either later or even worse, last. Even Number Two comes after Number One is okay. I resolved NEVER to think of Number One again in the face of death. Unless I am that Number One.

I wish Elan is around to analyse this for me. Elan always has an explanation for this kind of things. But Elan is probably enjoying her sights in Kyoto right now.

Deserving, Undeserved, Well-deserved

Back in China, when I was having nice and fanciful meals ever so often, the label given to me was “腐败”。I was enjoying life then, the only kind of life that I may be enjoying in a lifetime so I thought I might as well enjoy while I could. I knew I was “腐败” then but I thought what the heck. 今朝有酒今朝醉。

Dinner today was from some restaurant. I do not mind having nice and fanciful meals once in a while but when I recall what Ecarg said to me earlier, that she has not eaten for 2 days because of work, because she's busy, because she has no time/does not make time for eating instead of work, my contention with eating nice and fanciful meals ever so often reminded me of the phrase “腐败” again. You may have suffered before so it's time for you to enjoy now. I have but to wonder if "enjoy/enjoyment" is also “腐败”. You think it's well-deserved enjoyment; I think about those like Ecarg who are also deserving but undeserved perhaps. There are others who may think that your well-deserved enjoyment is undeserved.

Someone told me "The resources on earth are limited. So whilst you are enjoying yourself, someone somewhere is suffering for your enjoyment". You may say "So when someone else is enjoying, I was suffering for that person. So now I deserve what I have." So since the earth's resources are limited and you are enjoying, have you thought about those who are suffering? Are you sharing your enjoyment with them? Because 80% of the wealth on earth belongs to only 20% of the people on earth. So if you have plentiful resources now, have you spared a thought for the rest of the 80% who are suffering?

How does the gods, much less humans, decide who is the deserving, undeserved, well-deserved? Is well-deserved enjoyment “腐败”? How do we define deserving, undeserved, well-deserved? The lines are blurred.

Perhaps I have a bone to pick with the undeserved/well-deserved who have over-deserved because the deserving have been deprived of their chance at this world. I got upset because life itself is never fair.