Loving More Than Loved II

In "Loving More Than Loved", I talked about Numero Uno. I'd also mentioned what Elan said in the same entry-"like what Elan said, 'there's always someone else in front, something else more important, something or somebody that they are more willing to give to'."

Consciously, I never thought of being first. On a subconscious level, I might have. I was never first in class. I'd aimed to be one of the best academically but I was beaten by Yusof. I comforted myself by saying maybe it's not so bad to lose to him because at least I didn't lose myself in the process of trying to be first. The only academics whom I know who are first are X and Yod. In some sense, I was also first-in my own way, I was the first "scholar" in the family to do relatively well in school to get into Uni. But I'd thought that at the end of the day, it was pointless being first because that glory dissipates after a while, that happiness is not long-lasting.

In "Every Second Counts", Lance Armstrong said "When I had a Porsche, before the birth of my kids, College was always begging me to ease off the accelerator. I'd roar down the freeways, while he flinched in the passenger seat, white-knuckled and cussing in anger. "Son of a bitch!" he'd scream, "Slow down!" I'd just die laughing...In the old days I'd descend so fast, sometimes I'd catch cars. Now I don't need to, I just get down the mountain, because the fact that I have a family is in the back of my mind. You can't win a race on a descent, but you can lose one, and you can lose your life, too. I don't want to lose my life, all I have, on a mountainside."

To Lance Armstrong, before he got married, a life of action was Number One in his life; after he had his own family, his Number One priority was his family. That, in turn governed his actions accordingly. When he'd cancer, living was Number One. Everything in life took second place in the face of death.

When I thought about death not too long ago, the Number One thing I'd in mind was to feel liberated then. When I felt sick and broke out in cold sweat just now, I thought of Number One. Number One was in outer space, oblivious to what I was going through. I was obviously not Number One's One. I thought back to the time when I threw up half of my guts and saw black and felt like dying. I'd thought of my Number One then. I realized how right Elan was about there being only ONE one at any time. To quote from Elan again, "if you're not the Best then you're not it." In the face of death, everything else either loses its meaning or enhances its meaning. You are suddenly illuminated by the white light of God. If you put Number One and Four/Six together, and both are dying, unless you are Number One, you'll never be thought of. Because only Number One will get the attention, only Number One will be thought of. Everything else comes either later or even worse, last. Even Number Two comes after Number One is okay. I resolved NEVER to think of Number One again in the face of death. Unless I am that Number One.

I wish Elan is around to analyse this for me. Elan always has an explanation for this kind of things. But Elan is probably enjoying her sights in Kyoto right now.