I didn't get shortlisted by CS. I knew it right from the beginning they were looking for the best of the (academic) best. Guess I just needed confirmation that I wouldn't be shortlisted so I can put my mind to ease and look at alternatives to finding an internship. I wonder if I should go to India or Shanghai or some other place in China. Desperate people do desperate things. But then, 3 months is not a short time. 三个月说长不长,说短不短. I am in a dilemma.
It's quite sad that there's no place for me in Singapore. CS doesn't want me for internship and I've to look overseas. Elan blogged today: "I don't mind dedicating my life to my nation, but my nation wants the cream of the crop. My nation wants excellent brains, exceptional cca records, all-rounders, or people with a special talent or two. My nation doesn't want a run-of-the-mill, mass-produced product like me (like Canned food that you can get in every supermarket)." I said something to this extent today to X that it's hard for average people or slightly above average people like me and the friends around to find a job. We are not especially lousy. There are jobs aplenty out there like sweeping the roads for those people with lousy grades. We aren't especially exceptional such as to be in hot demand like hot cakes where the orders come even before the cakes are fully baked in the oven. No one will offer us a job before we graduate unless we go begging them for one. We are average. The problem arises when we are average. There is something wrong with being average. You are so dead when you are average because everyone else is average and you have to fight with 80%, 90% of the average population.
Went to the job fair today with Ecarg and saw so many people applying for jobs I was xian3. Competition is stiff, not just among locals but also between locals and foreigners. There were Filippina applying for jobs at the job fair. Filippina with high school degrees and bachelor degrees. How in the world am I supposed to fight with foreigners when I am already in a tough job battle against my fellow Singaporeans? What am I going to do when China, India and the Middle East finally flex their fully trained and bulging economic muscle? Will I really be relegated to sweeping the roads?
Elan continues: "My nation needs me...she taught me 4 years of NE and appeal to me in National Day Rally, to be loyal and patriotic, to not migrate, to be part of Total Defence. She needs me to be a citizen, join the labour force, boost her economic competivity, contribute to CPF, buy her houses, pay ERP, boost her morale and defend her if things ever go wrong. But she doesn't want me./ She told me that education is important and subsidised my school fees in a world where some people don't even get enough to eat. But she shows me, every step of the way, that somehow I'm not good enough, not educated enough, not talented enough, not competitive enough and at the end of the day, she left me to fend for myself in a world where half the population is fighting for ricebowls and another overcrowded half is waiting for food aid." Do I mirror Elan's thoughts? I seem to be echoing her words.
"My nation, if I love you, will you love me back? If you don't love me back, should I still love you? I am educated enough only to understand how things works. I am not educated enough or well-equipped to enter the fray and win the battle. Sometimes I wonder, if you didn't make education the centrepiece of my life, would I have lived happier, done better, done something different or be more at peace with myself? It is too late to go back, undo everything and reconstruct a different mentality other than the one you instilled in me all these years." If I were a farmer without any education tilling the land, will I be happy? I honestly don't know. At any rate, I can be sure that I'll have a simpler life.
Speaking of needs and wants reminds me of "Consumerism". We broached on that topic in Sociology and I felt strongly about it. We are all enslaved to the idea of consumerism. We buy things we THINK we need but which we actually only want or think we want. MNCs/TNCs are great at marketing and we buy and buy and buy into the idea of consumerism, not so much the things we buy. No, we don't really buy the things we buy/are buying. We are just buying the idea of consumerism. The effect is the buying.
Elan was right. "It remains possible to forgo the comfort of everyday luxuries in order to pursure your dreams but would people choose it? More than the power of comfort is the power of relativity. Would you give up that car, that air-conditioning, that condominium when everyone else has them? Would you be willing to settle for a small salary while others earn 5k a month?Everybody is competitive, about everything, including consumption. People in this age often feel dissatisfied and worse off than before, even though there is improvement in the overall standard of living, because humans measure their welfare in relative terms. If you can afford to have something that most others can't, then you are relatively better off. You will not feel better off for being able to afford indoor plumbing (that was not available many decades ago), because today, everyone else has them." I have decided to spurn consumerism. If I have a choice, I will spurn not only consumerism but also everything else and live as a hermit in some isolated island. Sadly, I am trapped in this society of "Cs", a Society of Competition and Consumerism.
I don't need something but I want it. In terms of human relationship, this equates to selfishness. I don't need you but I still want you. Sounds to me like a case of victimization/being made used of. Is it better to need and want someone at the same time? If I need you but I don't want you, it's a pathetic scenario-for myself.
I have been grappling with the issue of love and the giving/receiving of it. Elan's words "if I love you, will you love me back? If you don't love me back, should I still love you?" make me re-visit the issue of "Numero Uno" again. I have this bad habit of viewing relationships in a cost-benefit analysis. Why should I put someone as my first priority when I am not that person's Number One? Should I spend more time, energy and effort on the one to whom I am Number One so I will not let this person down? Shouldn't I? I don't know if I am making comparisons here or if they are fair. If things had not proceeded the way they did, if Fate (I) didn't enter your life, if I had never heard of you (to quote from Elan), would I have lived happier or be more at peace with myself? Would you have lived better? Yes, "it is too late to go back, undo everything and reconstruct a different mentality other than the one you instilled in me".
I don't know if I should stay to do my internship or go overseas. At the same time, I am re-visiting my values. Some things are destined. You cannot cheat death. I have always said you can't escape death if your time is up. If your time is up, you have to go, whether you like it or not, whether you want to or not. I did not realize how true it is until the wacky bunch of CLL met again on Thur-17/1. My near brushes with death made me view it more seriously. My guardian angel must be protecting me for there cannot be too many coincidences in life. Honestly, I don't want to die so soon. There are some matters which I have yet to put a closure to. I will not be a happy ghost were I to die suddenly.
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