Education VII

Education, why do I keep thinking of you even though you torment me so? You give me a headache sometimes yet you've brought me much joy at the same time when you are amenable and I get results. What a problematic thing! Sometimes, I think I'm in a love-hate relationship with you. I like you but I don't want you for the sake of wanting because then, you'd have lost your original meaning and my earnest pursuit of you. You give me a headache yet I cannot dump you. The times I spent with you, agonising over the little hiccups you threw up in our comfortable relationship, getting results from you, the days and nights we shared...You've entrenched yourself so deeply in my life. Even if I want to get rid of you, I can't. And I don't know how to. You've gained a foothold in my life and began to take on a meaning of your own. I like you but you give me problems. I cannot don't want you because you're so much a part of my life. The only thing I can do is live with you and the occasional headaches you give me. Honestly, if you don't give me any headaches, I'd enjoy my time with you more. Of course, that's impossible. You can see what a devil you are by making me think of and worry about you so much.

This is the 7th entry on "Education". I've not talked about any other topics with such frequency. Education is crazy. I've given up on Ethics since Week 2. It's just madness once school starts. That's an understatement. Old Lee told me that UMS' curriculum structure is like that: For every 1h we spend in class, we are supposed to spend another 3h outside class. Right. I guess the school administration must have forgotten to say to accomplish that 1h, 3h feat, we are certainly not expected to have any rest. And oh yea, don't forget you are supposed to be walking out of school presenting this brand new image of a hardworking graduate: wrinkles on your face, dark eye rings looking like a panda, or worse, a zombie. Oops, yah, we forgot to include that in the marketing campaign.

WY doesn't want to work but she's going to clear summer modules so she can graduate in 3 years instead of 4. Ironic. Instead of the usual 4 years, people these days want to graduate in 3.5, 4 years. In fact, they are eager to do so. When I first started Uni, I was caught up in this tidal wave of eagerness too. Now, I just want to enjoy my school life or what's left of it. WY is a nice friend and I feel sad that I'll probably not see her around school next term if she clears the summer modules. I have this selfish wish that she wouldn't be able to clear the summer modules so she'd have to come back next term. And maybe we can be in the same class again next term. Still, I guess we can still keep in touch even if I don't see her.

I think before the end of my UMS life, I'd have blogged 20 times on you. You and you and you, Education. You which brings me much joy and misery.

Past II

X said she could sleep perfectly before I existed. I said fine, then you go back to before I existed. She told me to bring her back to her past then. Of course I can't! But if you could-forget the time machines or taking the pill that brings you back in time-if you could go back to being like before, would you take it up?

Would not knowing me make you happier? Would it make me happier? My reality before you existed may have had less sorrows by no thanks to you but it'd also have had less substance and been less "real" in that sense. The past builds up the present. The past was innocent, the present filled with bittersweetness from looking back at the past. What used to be nice in the past is now another "thing" in the current life, taken for granted and not thought of as often, probably not looked at too. Not that you don't want to look at it. But in the mad rush of life, you've forgotten to look at it. The occasional glance you throw at it does not register the same meaning as it used to in the past. But when you stop for a moment to reflect, you realize the meaning it has for you presently. Maybe your feelings remain. Maybe your feelings've changed and you've taken a fancy to something else. Whatever it is, the past was meaningful for the time it took place in your life at that particular time and place. When you reminiscence, a smile fills your lips. You are filled with sweetness. With bittersweetness. With longing. With sorrow. With resignation and a sense of acceptance that for all that it's done to you and how it will shape your future, what is past will remain as it is, as the past. Always. There's no going back, whether you like it or not. Always.

I don't know if I want to change the past, much as I dislike parts of it. Without it, I wouldn't be the same me standing before you. I could've been better. I could've been worse. I might've been the same blundering fool with my innocence and big ego retained. To quote from Elan, "would I have lived happier, done better, done something different or be more at peace with myself?" Granted, there are some bad parts in the past I wish I could've obliterated. But they made me a more thinking individual as a result. And people around me like the current me. If they were to go to my past, would they have liked me the way they do now?

I wish I can let go of the past. Yet I feel I've to embrace it at the same time because it is part of my identity. How can the past and present resolve themselves?

Understanding

Elan talked about knowing in her blog. Since my mind's on a similar track, I will talk about understanding.

Elan said in her "Knowing" entry, "There are some kinds of people in this world that I've made up my mind to avoid. They are the dismissive, judgemental kind of people who will summarise you up in one word or phrase without even realising what they just did was to minisculize one entire person -neurons, electrons atoms and soul -into one single molecule."

Maybe it's not easy to avoid those people, if you have to face them because of your circumstances and it's definitely not easy to avoid them especially if they are people you like. We, as humans, tend to judge and we do it all the time. That's why first impressions count because snap judgment counts. We fall prey to judging others and therein lies the problem: You think you know but you don't understand.

Yet, I think it fair for those who, in Elan's words, "sum up a person in one word". After some interaction and understanding, we usually form different opinions of a person, given the complex nature of humans. Most of the time, one dominant image of someone will come to mind each time we think of that person because that's the deepest impression we have of that person's character. Right, Elan? Perhaps it's not so much as summing up an entire someone but more of coming up with one adjective to describe your deepest impression of that person.

"To these ridiculous and clueless people who think they can sum up a person in one word , I can only draw my eyebrows together. I have no rebuttal for them, because if I were to speak I would not finish in one day. And I know that minds like theirs would fail to comprehend, because they lack the tendency to consider things from many angles and perspectives, simultaneously."

I can only agree with this. Like I said, you think you know but you don't understand. I've had well-meaning people trying to solve issues. Or rather, who think they are trying to help but who, in reality, have only a vague impression of the going-ons behind the scene. I try not to be harsh on them because they DO know something but it's not the entire picture and certainly barely enough to help AND, certainly enough to rankle me when they try to help with their limited understanding. I've also had others who know nuts who BARGE IN thinking they know EVERYTHING and judge. Like Elan, I can only narrow my eyes, draw my eyebrows together, turn the other way and walk away. I have nothing to say to them because like Elan, were I to speak, I will not be able to finish in one day. How can I sum up what happened in years in one sentence? I will not be doing justice to myself. How does one sum up time in a few seconds? It's not enough. Most of the time, even if you try to explain, they think they know but they don't understand because they're not in that situation and unless they've had a similar experience, their so-called understanding if any, is only scratching the surface of the matter.

Sometimes, it's not as what Elan said, "that minds like theirs would fail to comprehend, because they lack the tendency to consider things from many angles and perspectives, simultaneously." Granted, not everyone is so myopic though everyone is judgmental. Sometimes, minds like theirs fail to comprehend not because of the lack of their macroscopic view but because these people lack the understanding of the entire situation in the first place. And so, they think they know but actually they don't understand.