Past II

X said she could sleep perfectly before I existed. I said fine, then you go back to before I existed. She told me to bring her back to her past then. Of course I can't! But if you could-forget the time machines or taking the pill that brings you back in time-if you could go back to being like before, would you take it up?

Would not knowing me make you happier? Would it make me happier? My reality before you existed may have had less sorrows by no thanks to you but it'd also have had less substance and been less "real" in that sense. The past builds up the present. The past was innocent, the present filled with bittersweetness from looking back at the past. What used to be nice in the past is now another "thing" in the current life, taken for granted and not thought of as often, probably not looked at too. Not that you don't want to look at it. But in the mad rush of life, you've forgotten to look at it. The occasional glance you throw at it does not register the same meaning as it used to in the past. But when you stop for a moment to reflect, you realize the meaning it has for you presently. Maybe your feelings remain. Maybe your feelings've changed and you've taken a fancy to something else. Whatever it is, the past was meaningful for the time it took place in your life at that particular time and place. When you reminiscence, a smile fills your lips. You are filled with sweetness. With bittersweetness. With longing. With sorrow. With resignation and a sense of acceptance that for all that it's done to you and how it will shape your future, what is past will remain as it is, as the past. Always. There's no going back, whether you like it or not. Always.

I don't know if I want to change the past, much as I dislike parts of it. Without it, I wouldn't be the same me standing before you. I could've been better. I could've been worse. I might've been the same blundering fool with my innocence and big ego retained. To quote from Elan, "would I have lived happier, done better, done something different or be more at peace with myself?" Granted, there are some bad parts in the past I wish I could've obliterated. But they made me a more thinking individual as a result. And people around me like the current me. If they were to go to my past, would they have liked me the way they do now?

I wish I can let go of the past. Yet I feel I've to embrace it at the same time because it is part of my identity. How can the past and present resolve themselves?