Parental Love

In "Desperate Housewives 2", when Andrew got back at his Mum, Bree, Bree drove Andrew to the middle of nowhere, dumped him there with his bag of clothes and some money and told him to get a job himself. She'd essentially abandoned her son. Because she said she was not strong enough to take care of him.

Strangely, as I saw how Andrew initially pleaded with his Mum not to leave him, I felt for him. Looking critically at Andrew and his relationship with his Mum, rebellious as he was, Andrew was only a pitiable kid who had sought that understanding from his Mum, that motherly love which he could never get. Bree of course loved him in the best way she knew but that wasn't what he was looking for. Or rather, the way that she loved him was not the way that he wanted nor needed. So he rebelled. It's sad. In the end, she abandoned him. Much as Andrew disliked/hated his Mum, ultimately, he still pleaded with her not to leave him behind.

A tiger will never eat its cubs. I cannot exactly understand how parents can give up on their children. Even beasts seem to have more love than humans for their young. Some parents can't parent their kids well and the State has to do it for them. To a certain extent, these parents have failed. But it depends on the circumstances too. Like in Desperate Housewives 2, Caleb killed a girl because he was unstable. Betty had him locked up in the basement to save him from being taken away by the police and put in a mental institution. She was even going to kill him. Another form of parental love. One which I cannot comprehend.

Then there are parents who aren't parents at all. Biological parents maybe. But not parent parent. That is, the kind that showers love on his kids. Lance Armstrong is one good example. He never treated his biological Dad as his Dad. Can't blame him. His only family is his Mum who raised him single-handedly from a baby. I always feel that if one wants to have children, he/she should be prepared for the sacrifices and be prepared to be a good parent. Otherwise, don't have a kid.

On the other hand, there are also parents who aren't parents at all. A good example would be foster parents. Non-biological parents. These are people who (can) love you as their own child even though there are absolutely no blood ties. I find it hard to understand this kind of parental love.

Some parents try hard to be good parents but fall short. For instance, parents who work so hard that they don't spend quality time with their children who end up distancing from them. In another example, parents who are either too lax or too rigid in their parenting approch. It is indeed hard to strike the perfect balance to 要严,但也要带爱.

There are parents whose parental love come only in the form of harsh love. In Mitch Albom's "The Five People You Meet In Heaven", Eddie craved for his Dad's love since he was a boy. But the only love his Dad dealt him, was capable of giving him, was harsh love. Even then, in heaven, Eddie still coveted that fatherly love which he never had.

There are still great parents. Parents who do their utmost best to bring up their kids. To jaw-dropping extent by normal standards. Such is the greatness of parental love.

Giving Up II

I said before that giving up is not an easy thing to do. Indeed so. When it comes to a passion, I have difficulty giving up. I read in an article about love that "The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go".

I tried to give up. But I don't know how to. Can't seem to. Don't seem to want to either. I don't know if I should let go painfully or hold on stubbornly. It was with a sinking heart when I packed up and decided to shut the door to my passion and be numb to the sense of loss. But if there's a chance that I don't have to give up, I'd grab hold of it. Passions are not easy to give up.

Thinking II

Mimi was talking about a friend who "whined" to Mimi about how she doesn't have money. When Mimi went out with her, she realised why that friend doesn't have money. She splurges.

Elan said that a lot of people are typical-just like those people you see in the market. They don't look at things from a broad perspective. They are narrow in their thinking, only concerned about short-term stuff, mundane matters than long-term affairs and interests. I think that has got to do with education. Will an educated person think narrowly? Possibly. Then what is the purpose of his education? In any case, some successful people are uneducated but are visionaries.

10-year plans seem too long range for me. 10 years seem to stretch so far away into the future. Yet, I know I'm only kidding myself. I have wasted half of my time and will probably waste the other half. I suppose the skeptic in me is responsible for the measured pace I take.

I do not think it's good to think too much. The great philosophers must be depressed people. Then again, the power of the mind cannot be underestimated.

Crisis: Identity, Quarter-life, Mid-life

Technology does wonders for humans. I can be talking to someone in Singapore and Australia at the same time in the same conversation. But nothing beats the personal, face-to-face encounter. It wasn't until I saw Elan and Mimi recently that I realised how our thinking differed. There is a dichotomy in our thinking. Feel that there's a gap between me and them now. I believe that 1 year ago, before I started working, if I had had the same conversation with them, I'd probably be as idealistic as them. My thinking's evolved. I was talking with a sense of pragmatism and realism. Felt sad that there's "un-meeting" of minds in our discourse on Reality vs Idealism. Sitting down there-the 3 of us, I felt as if we were aristocrats/nobles discussing/lamenting about the state of affairs in Singapore.

Elan and Mimi are going through "quarter-life crisis" now. Haha. Elan wonders when she'll ever be rid of the influence of the ruling party. She thinks it's a sad state of affairs that at adulthood, they are still worrying over grades. Haha. True. They said in overseas, people just do what they like and they're not worried about failing. Elan said we shouldn't be afraid to fail no matter how old we are. Overseas, even if you fail, people don't condemn you. You just do what you like and heck it. Here, you can't really do what you like because society looks at you with tinted glasses and an evil eye. I kept asking what would look impressive on my resume. Talking in pragmatic terms, basically. Elan said we should just do whatever we like, "just do it". All of us were talking with "a sense of despondency and cynicism". Haha. I think it was more so for Elan and Mimi who seemed to be jaded. It is the herd mentality here. I've become victim to this mentality, becoming one of the herd, going with the flow, chasing after the Singaporean dream. Selling my soul to the devil, as Elan said.

I'd experienced identity crisis before. Which is akin to Elan and Mimi's "quarter-life crisis". At one point, I began to doubt if I was going the correct way. Or rather, questioning if the "correct" way is the way I want to go. I compete and compete and compete until I lose myself in the competition and I wondered if my life is worth the value of competition. Life suddenly lost its meaning. I'd once spoken to Ms Ng about this-the pressure to conform to societal norms before. I complained that I don't want to be one of the herd. Ms Ng had said thoughtfully then: "Maybe it's easier said than done."

So at quarter-life, I began asking around "What the heck is mid-life crisis?" I wanted to know so that I'm ready for it. Different people have come up with various definitions.

Ms Ng said: "People have mid-life crisis when they suddenly feel at a loss and don't know what to do with their lives".

Mrs Kurup said it's when you are in your 40s or 50s and you look around and suddenly realise that you are trapped in the rat race. You don't like it because you're not doing what you like but you're already living the expensive lifestyle and you've no choice but to carry on because you cannot give it up. So you get stuck in a rut which you dug. It can lead to relationship problems or family problems. The brave ones, when they experience mid-life crisis, make a career switch even though they can't earn as much as before.

Mimi said it's when you reach 40 and you realise you've not accomplished anything and you feel lost and hopeless. Because all along, you've been going with the flow and you didn't do what you like. Then you hit 40 and you realise that you accomplished nothing.

AD's definition is different. More for those who are in a job they are satisfied in and have set goals for that career path. AD said mid-life crisis is "when one's list of aims/aspirations and list of achievements tally negatively, his/her frustration coupled with deperation that time is running out". She's not seen successful people who have a happy life NOT having mid-life crisis.

Some middle-aged folks don't know what mid-life crisis is. Those are the lucky ones. They haven't experienced and (probably) won't experience mid-life crisis. Guess those are the ones who are happy and contented.

Longing

Have you ever longed for something? I mean, really longed. The kind of longing that comes with an expectation, a hope, a wish-maybe a wishful thinking. Maybe it was some results that which you should have. Or a hope that you can change reality. Or pining away for a love that doesn't belong.

I'd said in "Love (Afar And Near)" that falling in love with "someone who is right before your eyes in damning circumstances which do not permit you both together" is pathetic and beautifully tragic. I think now that it's a devastating tragedy. To sit across/stand beside someone you love-whose love you can never have-only to have to suppress the feelings is painful. It's so near yet so far! It's painful to long for a love that doesn't belong. To long for a conclusion long foregone. To crave for that love that don't belong. It's painful to be longing after something that doesn't belong. Like how a kid longs for a toy which he knows he won't get.

Silent Communication, Wordless Language

What comes to mind? Music and art-drawings/paintings are what can reach your soul. We don't really need words. I could be playing Beethovan even though I don't understand German and the composer is dead. Even though it's another time, place and age, Beethovan talks to me through his music still. When I saw 2 people using sign language to communicate, I thought we could do away with words. There should be some form of universal communication where words are done away with. Businessmen/diplomats should learn sign language so that interpreters are not needed and miscommunication are lessened to a minimum. Humans talk too much and sometimes say the wrong/weirdest/most comical things.

If I suffer from impairment of sight or hearing, the human touch never fails to caress and soothe the hurting/weary soul. Words, are to a certain extent redundant. As the saying goes, "Action speaks louder than words". I mean literally.

Freedom

There're many kinds of freedom. The most familiar kind would be freedom of ideals, freedom of ideas, freedom of expression, freedom from oppression of free people-the foundation upon which democracy is built.

There's the freedom from parental control demanded by peevish teens experiencing teen angst as demonstrated clearly in "Desperate Housewives 2" when Andrew told his Mum, Bree "I want to be emancipated".

There's then the freedom of Self from society/State as wished for by Mimi and Elan. Elan laments that at 21, undergrads are still worrying about grades and wonders when they'll ever be rid of the influence of this elitist/herd mentality.

There's also freedom from past/reality where one wishes he could reject the past and spurn reality.

Every type of freedom mentioned earlier is relatively easy to attain save for the last. Think about it. If you feel oppressed by State, you can always move away, migrate and live elsewhere. You don't have to put up with crap. If you want freedom from parental control, once you reach a certain age, your parents can't control you anymore. However, freedom from past/reality is a tough nut to crack. Even if one migrates, changes his identity, changes his personality, goes for cosmetic surgery, cuts off all contacts with his past, he'll never be rid of his past. For his past will haunt him wherever he goes. It is his past that makes him who/what he is presently. As for denying reality, you can go to sleep but you can't sleep away the problem. You can turn to alcoholism, to drugs but the problem persists. To be free from everything is akin to a kite. It is a fallacy to think that a kite seems to be flying in the direction it wants, because it'll always be tied to the string. It is best then to live in the wild, be part of the wild. I'm reminded of Savage Garden's "Animal Song".

Volunteering

Got a package from UMS enclosing leaflets of CCAs and of various VOLUNTEER activities/camps that "guarantee you'll fulfil the 80h VOLUNTEER work requirement".

Why the hell do they call it "VOLUNTEER work" when it's NOT voluntary at all? We did not VOLUNTEER. It was imposed upon us: a prerequisite to graduating. Imagine someone saying: "Oh, the undergrad didn't/couldn't graduate because he didn't do VOLUNTEER work". How preposterous! And pathetic. Has volunteerism relegated to this? Shouldn't volunteerism be an act/offer out of one's own free will? To force it down people's throat is nowhere near the definition of "voluntary" and is lamentable. They should just rename it "COMPULSORY community service".

Thinking about Thinking

Knowledge is power. I'm not saying this because it's cliché. Rather, because it is a truth and a fact.

Scientists say that we use less than 10% of our brain. Some scientists think it's less than 5%. Whether it's 10% or 5%, I still find myself getting tired when I study intensely for a few hours. Elan said we're tired because of "information overload".

Some brainy facts:

-Our brain can hold 10 libraries.
-It is about 125,500 GB.
-Information are transmitted from neuron to neuron at 120 m/s which is equivalent to 432 km/h.

The more we use or exercise our brain, the more something is reinforced in our brain. For example, when we learn how to use a new handphone, we make a connection in our brain. The more we use the handphone, the better we are at it because we actually reinforce the way the handphone works in our brain. I guess that's why practice makes perfect.

Studies have shown that the more your brain exercises the more it changes. Guess that's why during exam period, my capability for thinking actually expands and I think more.

Motivational/inspirational speakers would say or love to destroy the notion that "No one is born stupid. We are not born stupid." However, we are also not born smart/intelligent. We are born with the POTENTIAL to be intelligent. Every time we study, learn and think, we make a new brain connection and open up a new pathway. In other words, we understand more and think faster. Thus, intelligence is a result of thinking. The more we use our brain, the more intelligent we become. There is no such thing as we are born stupid. If we are stupid it's because we are not using our brain.

On the point on "If we are stupid, it's because we are not using our brain", it may take 1 second for your friends to understand a joke; it may take you 5 minutes later to laugh at the same joke. It's not because you are stupid. Your brain just connects (thoughts) slower. I guess that's why AD, KC and Von can crack jokes so well. Because they always exercise that part of the brain that cracks jokes. And that's why those who scheme/plot and lie can do it so well because that's all their brains do.

The grey matter up there is the most powerful weapon humans are endowed with. Even without an arm or a leg, our brain is the most powerful tool. Successful people are so because of their brain. It's the way they think. You can strip them of their assets but they'll bounce back. They use their brain and they make their millions again. I've always subscribed to the belief that education is the way out of poverty.

Although intelligence is the result of thinking, thinking is NOT a result of intelligence. It's because I study, therefore I become more intelligent. Thinking leads to intelligence. The reverse is however, untrue. Intelligence doesn't lead to thinking. The worst form of laziness is the laziness of the mind. It thus gives that the people at the top echelons of society/corporate ladder are great thinkers. Yes, knowledge is power. And power can be phenomenal/destructive depending on how you wield it. Everything is a double-edged sword. People who have knowledge are powerful because they can make use of that knowledge for the betterment/destruction of themselves, the people around them or the country/society on a larger scale. Didn't Descartes say "I think, therefore I am"? Ah, yes, the power of thinking.

Old people always say that they are forgetful because they are old. It has nothing to do with age. Lee Kuan Yew is old but he is still very sharp. So our mind must never retire! Haha. So I must keep having my mental challenges and verbal sparring with Elan to keep those sparks of life in my brain alive! Haha.

A scientist/researcher did a study. There were 2 groups of children-brain damaged children and normal children. He taught the brain damaged children how to read. He found out later that the group of brain damaged children of 3, 4, 5 years old could read several languages better than the normal children who didn't have the opportunity to read. Those normal children were either baby-sat or put in front of the TV by their parents and so didn't have the opportunity to read.

In another experiment, some rats were put in a darkened environment and others were put in a sensory environment (normal environment). All rats were later put in a maze with food. Rats that were in the sensory environment could find food easily. When the brains were cut, those rats that were in the sensory environment had more developed/mature brains than those in the sensory-deprived environment which had smaller and less developed brains. The point is our brain develop with use. Use it or lose it. It's like how we lose touch with a language if we don't use it.

The moment we step out of school, it's perilous. Because we need a lot more self-discipline to think/learn. The moment you stop thinking, it's your decline and downfall. That's why China lagged behind other countries when the rest of the world was industrialising. Information was expanding and China/Mao Zedong had closed itself/China off from the rest of the world with the intention to be self-sufficient. Part of the reason why the Great Leap Forward became a Great Leap Backwards was because of the lack of the influx of knowledge when China shut itself off from the rest of the world.

The Man Upstairs is a genius because he's knowledgeable. Since knowledge is power, it gives that since he knows all, he's omniscient and therefore, omnipotent.

Elan refutes the ideas of "No one is born stupid" and "Intelligence is a result of thinking" on a totally unemotional/unfeeling and purely rational level. Elan said that the 2 statements are inaccurate. They are subjective. "Stupid" is subjective because it connotes a negative thinking/feeling. It is deterministic, judgmental and fatalistic. So it is not objective. "Intelligence" itself has a positive connotation and is not objective either. One form of objectivity will be through Intelligence Quotient tests in which we use to measure a person's intelligence. But we cannot use "stupid" or "intelligence" as an objective ruler to measure a person's intelligence. Motivational/inspirational speakers appeal to our emotions when they use words like "stupid" or "intelligence". First, they take away the negative feeling-"no one is born stupid". Then they add the plus feeling-"if you think more, you'll become intelligent". It's all very feel-good stuff, very inspiring/inspirational but logically/rationally, the statements are inaccurate. "Stupid" is an emotional and negative way of describing someone. "Low intelligence" is a more rational and unemotional way of describing the same person. If you say "no one is born stupid", you give the person's morale a boost and motivate him but logically speaking, if you use the IQ test to measure intelligence, there ARE some who fare exceptionally high. Those are the "intelligent" ones. There is the average. There are the ones who measure below below average, that is, those of lower intelligence. So one cannot say that "no one is born stupid" or that no one is of low intelligence because it is a fact that there ARE people of low intelligence. Or what we usually call "stupid".

I can relate to both the emotional appeal of motivational/inspirational speakers/speeches and the rational side of Elan's logic. Whatever it is, I do and still believe that knowledge is power. The wise ones would agree.

Feminine Man, Manly Woman

Reminds me of the show "He's The Woman, She's The Man" and more recently, <<王的男人>>. In the former, Wing (Anita Yuen) cross-dressed in a bid to get close to her idol, Sam Koo (Leslie Cheung). The result was some comic episodes as Wing was mistaken to be a gay. For <<王>>, Lee Joon-ki, who played Gong-kil, watched "Farewell My Concubine" several times in order to learn how to sashay convincingly. Lee Joon-ki was most positively pretty in <<王>>! So much so that when I first saw him, I mistook him for a lady! *chuckles*

AD had said that every successful woman needs to have a bit of "man" in her. Essentially, that means that that successful woman has to possess that drive, ambition, those traits that are so commonly associated with masculinity. Can you imagine a woman CEO who's actually a sissy? I can't.

I do not take very well to guys who do not have that drive/ambition in them. Ster had chided Chuan for that lack. In her words, "If you want to anyhow study, anyhow pass, then you might as well anyhow get a job. Anyhow be a sweeper." This is not a derogatory remark belittling the contribution of blue collar workers as sweepers. Rather, it stands as a truth to the meritocratic society that we live in: work hard and your effort will be paid off.

All in all, I think that the best mix is to have a combination of "man" in a woman and vice-versa ie. a woman should have a bit of "man" in her (to succeed) and the man should have a bit of effeminacy in him-that bit of understanding and empathy to the people around him.