The Irony Of Opposites

There is no love without hate, no good without evil, no strength without weaknesses. One cannot exist without the other. This is the irony of opposites.

It is because of the limited time that I have that I cherish the time I do have (more). It is because of my limitations that I do not mind taking a little suffering, a little more pain, a little more hardship which I would've complained in other (normal) circumstances. I don't like the limitations but because of their presence, I begin to appreciate things which I would otherwise have taken for granted.

Isn't life ironic?

Loving More Than Loved

This is related to Elan's blog entry of "Number One". In fact, I was thinking about this issue the very week that she made an entry on this topic. Numero Uno. Number One. What does it mean?

The connotation would be that someone is the first. Yes, it means being Number One, being in the first place, taking top priority, no matter what the situation or position is-that person will always be Number One.

Elan ranted "This is not the first time people say no, its not possible, I'm sorry or just taper off silently. But I'm tired of getting disappointed. I have no idea what's wrong but there's always someone else in front, something else more important, something or somebody that they are more willing to give to. Humans have limited resources and time to give to the many people around them. So things like ranking 4th, 5th or 6th, which by rights shouldn't matter altogether becomes more important because every passing moment you can only chose One, and if you're 4th or 6th, you're never gonna be chosen. Maybe they will say, next time, but next time, there will again be only One place and if you're not the Best then you're not it."

I agree that humans have limited resources and time and everyone has his/her priorities. I know 为了亲情,友情和爱情, I can sacrifice a lot. I can even sacrifice my life if need be. I accept that not everyone is like me, able/willing to sacrifice their life. Not even people whom you've known for a long time or whom you've forged deep relationships with. I do not ask that they sacrifice their life for me. However, the fact that I am ranked "4th or 6th" starts bugging me in the face of rejection because like what Elan said, "there's always someone else in front, something else more important, something or somebody that they are more willing to give to." You may be my Number One but you may not treat me likewise. I start wondering if I'm shortchanging myself, if I'm a fool for loving more than I am being loved. I start looking at my relationships and I realize that in few instances do I actually receive more love than I give in those relationships. Should I continue to love in those relationships in which I give more than I receive? Or should I switch to focusing my energies on those relationships in which I receive more love than I give? Since I only have this amount of resources and time and I cannot possibly split myself into a million pieces and spend time and effort with EVERYONE. Love's equation seems to be likened to a cost-benefit analysis.

Elan's "You can have quite a few people caring about you but nobody caring enough. You can't say that you're cast of by the world, that nobody gives a damn about you and wallow in self pity because, when push comes to the shove, people care, people crowd around to help and yes, they make you feel better. They make you feel wanted and cared for. But I wish it wasn't always only when I'm in trouble/illness, because I want to live my life free of troubles/illness."

It is true that even though you are "4th or 6th", people will still show you concern, albeit not as much as you would love to receive. I know if anything untoward happens to me, it is a given that the people who rank me One will be more devastated than the ones to whom I am "4th or 6th". And so, it naturally follows that the ones to whom you are One will feel the loss deeper than the rest. I wish I didn't have to think bad things about myself when I think about the people who love me but like Elan, I've realized that it's only when bad things happen do people really show you they care. Everyone just takes everyone else for granted. And yes, there is nobody caring enough save those to whom you are One.

Education V

I can feel it again. The rising of stress. The anxiety my heart feels. That impatience. Somehow, the first term of Year 2 feels like the first term of Year 1. Maybe it's the "first term of the school year" feeling. Maybe it's the weather that reminds me of this time lsat year. Maybe it's the difficulty of the schoolwork which I'm facing that gives rise to this feeling.

This time, when I return to school, minor changes have taken place. I've changed and so have the things around me. I no longer follow the same old habits of the past. I do not eat proper lunches as I used to so often. In fact, I don't eat and exercise so regularly as I used to in the past year. My head creaks when I turn it sideways. A sign of old age? Or just an indication of the stress/work that I'm facing?

I was miserable on Thur-20/9 after CAT. My face looked like it'd been run over by a truck. So much so that GT and SK told me to go take a walk around before FL if I needed to. CAT never fails to make me feel miserable. I always feel miserable during and after CAT. Frankly speaking, I've never felt so miserable since Stats. Stats and CAT-these two go hand in hand and isn't it amazing that they rhyme? *sarcastic smile*

CAT made me feel like crap and look like crap. Elan said after so many years of studying, she has realized that there are no intelligent people. It's whether you are in the right field. If you are in the right field, you will be good and can even be a genius at it. Different people are good at different things. Yes, I cannot imagine Beethovan or Mozart or Pavorotti coming up with some computer program, nor Einstein and Newton composing great classical mucic pieces. Elan's words are a shot in the arm when I was wondering why I, who used to do so well in school, is struggling in university. I started to doubt myself. I started thinking that other students are cleverer than me. Yes, CAT affected my self-esteem and made me feel stupid. It's ironic that a star pupil feels stupid. Elan said she is not good at Science and if she were to do Science, she'd have quit after 2 months of studying. Elan understands what I am going through because she's experienced it before. She just gave up and her prof "was pissed at her". Haha.

I agree with Elan that there is no point for students to take modules which are outside their major for the sake of a "well-rounded education" when they are obviously not cut out for it. Does it serve any purpose when at the end of the day, the Arts students are NOT going to go into Science or apply any of what they learnt from those Science modules which have tormented them so during their schooling years? We should just specialize early.

I've accepted the fact that practically every term, there'll be some stupid module which I've to take which I won't/will hardly be applying in my work in future AND which is out to torture me for the 1 entire school term that I'm taking it. Yes, I accept that. Yet, I still try to understand what is being taught. I desperately struggle to understand. There are students who are willing to do assignments, research papers, projects for other students for a fee. Earlier on, JZ told me of her intention to "buy" a project so she needn't spend the time and effort learning coding and creating a lousy program which will eventually garner a lousy grade. Yesterday, she told me that her groupmates welcome the idea of "buying" the project and that there is another group in her class which is asking her for her contact so they can also "buy" a project. What has UMS-a business school done to its students? We are famous for business courses and this is "outsourcing" learnt in the classroom. *sarcarstic smile* If I were rich and had millions to burn, I'd have "outsourced" my CAT assignments and other crappy stuff which are making/will make my Uni life hell. Afterall, I will NOT be applying Stats or CAT to my work, considering how awful I am at them and I'm certain no employer'd want me to use what I learnt in Stats or CAT in their work too, considering how awful I am at them. It's been suggested that it may be a good idea to outsource my assignments. But I am not rich and I do not want to give up like Elan. I am reduced to copying homework.

I don't know how I'm going to pass my CAT mid-term. Seriously, I think I'll just get a zero for the test. Maybe I should give up on CAT and just focus on other modules. The worst thing that can happen is to worry over several things at one time instead of just one thing a time. It depletes your energy too much and creates too much negativity. I do not have the energy or patience to humour people who behave childishly, no matter who they are. It expends too much of my energy and time at a time when I am feeling stressed, when I am feeling impatient. When I walk on the streets, I clench my teeth and fists, itching for a fight, raring to lash out at anyone who tries to be funny with me. It takes a spark to set off a bomb. I try to keep my self-control but I find my patience running thin. I am ready to let loose and waiting for someone, anyone to offer himself to me as a punching bag.

Heartache/Heartbreak

What has 3 months done to me? What is 3 months? What is time when day passes into day and night fades into night? 3 months. Time loses meaning in the face of extremity-happiness and pain. 3 months. That's all it took to change my life.

How time has flown! In 3 months, apprehension changed to enjoyment and turned to love. In 3 months, an unconscious transformation was taking place within me. It was unexpected. Maybe subconsciously, I knew I was going to miss BJ. My reaction when I finally left BJ-I didn't expect that too. When I wanted to say my parting words to Sweet, I found that I couldn't speak. All I could do, all I did was to reach out to Sweet and caress Sweet like I did so often over the past days.

When X left me, she was crying. Yes, what has 3 months done to her (too)? 3 months-it is neither too long nor too short. When I was going to leave BJ, when I felt that I was going to leave X not knowing when I'd next to see her again, that I was only starting to know X, alas! time was not on my side. I did not want to leave. Yes, there wouldn't be that kind of intense bonding that I shared with X when X was around me so often.

Big Gal said it's the quality of time that matters, not the quantity. Why then, do I wish for more time-to spend with Sweet, with X, with BJ? Why then, did I feel that time was running out for me when I'd to leave?

I wish I could've said something clever when X was crying. She said I made her cry. Sorry, X. I did not mean to make you cry. But you should know too that parting is such sweet sorrow not just for you alone.

As I desperately grabbed those last few private moments with X, I wished I could stay but I'd to leave. When I bade her goodbye for the final time, I knew deep down that had I stayed longer, my heart'd have been broken. Maybe it was good for me to leave when I did. However much I wanted to stay on. What X gave me can't be bought with money and because I was touched by X's effort, time and thoughts, I could not stop crying.

Sweet waits outside my door everyday now. I want so much to see X and Sweet again. I accept that some events/people in life only come into your life for a time but don't I even have a chance to let the good feelings remain for as long as possible? I must see X and Sweet again. I'm sorry I had to leave behind 一些值得珍惜，值得想念，值得疼的东西。I hope it won't be long before I see the things that are dear to me again. I hope I can see the things that are dear to me again. Otherwise, my heart'd break.