Loving More Than Loved

This is related to Elan's blog entry of "Number One". In fact, I was thinking about this issue the very week that she made an entry on this topic. Numero Uno. Number One. What does it mean?

The connotation would be that someone is the first. Yes, it means being Number One, being in the first place, taking top priority, no matter what the situation or position is-that person will always be Number One.

Elan ranted "This is not the first time people say no, its not possible, I'm sorry or just taper off silently. But I'm tired of getting disappointed. I have no idea what's wrong but there's always someone else in front, something else more important, something or somebody that they are more willing to give to. Humans have limited resources and time to give to the many people around them. So things like ranking 4th, 5th or 6th, which by rights shouldn't matter altogether becomes more important because every passing moment you can only chose One, and if you're 4th or 6th, you're never gonna be chosen. Maybe they will say, next time, but next time, there will again be only One place and if you're not the Best then you're not it."

I agree that humans have limited resources and time and everyone has his/her priorities. I know 为了亲情,友情和爱情, I can sacrifice a lot. I can even sacrifice my life if need be. I accept that not everyone is like me, able/willing to sacrifice their life. Not even people whom you've known for a long time or whom you've forged deep relationships with. I do not ask that they sacrifice their life for me. However, the fact that I am ranked "4th or 6th" starts bugging me in the face of rejection because like what Elan said, "there's always someone else in front, something else more important, something or somebody that they are more willing to give to." You may be my Number One but you may not treat me likewise. I start wondering if I'm shortchanging myself, if I'm a fool for loving more than I am being loved. I start looking at my relationships and I realize that in few instances do I actually receive more love than I give in those relationships. Should I continue to love in those relationships in which I give more than I receive? Or should I switch to focusing my energies on those relationships in which I receive more love than I give? Since I only have this amount of resources and time and I cannot possibly split myself into a million pieces and spend time and effort with EVERYONE. Love's equation seems to be likened to a cost-benefit analysis.

Elan's "You can have quite a few people caring about you but nobody caring enough. You can't say that you're cast of by the world, that nobody gives a damn about you and wallow in self pity because, when push comes to the shove, people care, people crowd around to help and yes, they make you feel better. They make you feel wanted and cared for. But I wish it wasn't always only when I'm in trouble/illness, because I want to live my life free of troubles/illness."

It is true that even though you are "4th or 6th", people will still show you concern, albeit not as much as you would love to receive. I know if anything untoward happens to me, it is a given that the people who rank me One will be more devastated than the ones to whom I am "4th or 6th". And so, it naturally follows that the ones to whom you are One will feel the loss deeper than the rest. I wish I didn't have to think bad things about myself when I think about the people who love me but like Elan, I've realized that it's only when bad things happen do people really show you they care. Everyone just takes everyone else for granted. And yes, there is nobody caring enough save those to whom you are One.