Education V

I can feel it again. The rising of stress. The anxiety my heart feels. That impatience. Somehow, the first term of Year 2 feels like the first term of Year 1. Maybe it's the "first term of the school year" feeling. Maybe it's the weather that reminds me of this time lsat year. Maybe it's the difficulty of the schoolwork which I'm facing that gives rise to this feeling.

This time, when I return to school, minor changes have taken place. I've changed and so have the things around me. I no longer follow the same old habits of the past. I do not eat proper lunches as I used to so often. In fact, I don't eat and exercise so regularly as I used to in the past year. My head creaks when I turn it sideways. A sign of old age? Or just an indication of the stress/work that I'm facing?

I was miserable on Thur-20/9 after CAT. My face looked like it'd been run over by a truck. So much so that GT and SK told me to go take a walk around before FL if I needed to. CAT never fails to make me feel miserable. I always feel miserable during and after CAT. Frankly speaking, I've never felt so miserable since Stats. Stats and CAT-these two go hand in hand and isn't it amazing that they rhyme? *sarcastic smile*

CAT made me feel like crap and look like crap. Elan said after so many years of studying, she has realized that there are no intelligent people. It's whether you are in the right field. If you are in the right field, you will be good and can even be a genius at it. Different people are good at different things. Yes, I cannot imagine Beethovan or Mozart or Pavorotti coming up with some computer program, nor Einstein and Newton composing great classical mucic pieces. Elan's words are a shot in the arm when I was wondering why I, who used to do so well in school, is struggling in university. I started to doubt myself. I started thinking that other students are cleverer than me. Yes, CAT affected my self-esteem and made me feel stupid. It's ironic that a star pupil feels stupid. Elan said she is not good at Science and if she were to do Science, she'd have quit after 2 months of studying. Elan understands what I am going through because she's experienced it before. She just gave up and her prof "was pissed at her". Haha.

I agree with Elan that there is no point for students to take modules which are outside their major for the sake of a "well-rounded education" when they are obviously not cut out for it. Does it serve any purpose when at the end of the day, the Arts students are NOT going to go into Science or apply any of what they learnt from those Science modules which have tormented them so during their schooling years? We should just specialize early.

I've accepted the fact that practically every term, there'll be some stupid module which I've to take which I won't/will hardly be applying in my work in future AND which is out to torture me for the 1 entire school term that I'm taking it. Yes, I accept that. Yet, I still try to understand what is being taught. I desperately struggle to understand. There are students who are willing to do assignments, research papers, projects for other students for a fee. Earlier on, JZ told me of her intention to "buy" a project so she needn't spend the time and effort learning coding and creating a lousy program which will eventually garner a lousy grade. Yesterday, she told me that her groupmates welcome the idea of "buying" the project and that there is another group in her class which is asking her for her contact so they can also "buy" a project. What has UMS-a business school done to its students? We are famous for business courses and this is "outsourcing" learnt in the classroom. *sarcarstic smile* If I were rich and had millions to burn, I'd have "outsourced" my CAT assignments and other crappy stuff which are making/will make my Uni life hell. Afterall, I will NOT be applying Stats or CAT to my work, considering how awful I am at them and I'm certain no employer'd want me to use what I learnt in Stats or CAT in their work too, considering how awful I am at them. It's been suggested that it may be a good idea to outsource my assignments. But I am not rich and I do not want to give up like Elan. I am reduced to copying homework.

I don't know how I'm going to pass my CAT mid-term. Seriously, I think I'll just get a zero for the test. Maybe I should give up on CAT and just focus on other modules. The worst thing that can happen is to worry over several things at one time instead of just one thing a time. It depletes your energy too much and creates too much negativity. I do not have the energy or patience to humour people who behave childishly, no matter who they are. It expends too much of my energy and time at a time when I am feeling stressed, when I am feeling impatient. When I walk on the streets, I clench my teeth and fists, itching for a fight, raring to lash out at anyone who tries to be funny with me. It takes a spark to set off a bomb. I try to keep my self-control but I find my patience running thin. I am ready to let loose and waiting for someone, anyone to offer himself to me as a punching bag.