Acting

I can't remember who said this: "We never really grow up. We just learn how to behave in public."Yes, we are all actors of our own lives, masters of our fate, heroes of our own stories. We write our scripts and direct our movie.

Tuesday-14/3, CP amended a Defence in which the Plaintiffs sued the wrong party and named the wrong person in the suit. She didn't give them any information as to who the correct parties are. Just plain and simple. Short and sweet. No bad feelings when she signed it either. I thought the lawyer on the other side was her friend. CP said she is only a friend when she's wanted as a friend. She said she's dealing with lawyers here and she's to cover herself and be a wolf in sheep's clothing. I was horribly fascinated, in part due to my naviety. I know that the world is not so innocent and all is not what it seems. Still, to see/hear it firsthand from those who are in the battlefield gave a real feel to it. I mean, I do lie and I can lie through my teeth when the situation calls for it but if it's personal, I get all uneasy lying. Sometimes, you meet unpleasant people in the course of work and you are forced to smile at them/be polite to them. But when you put down the phone, their backs are turned, you lambast them to smithereens (and God help them to find their bodies).

I am not a good actor and never will be. If I try to hide my feelings, it's like 鱼骨哽喉--不吐不快. I find it tiring to smile at others when deep inside, I'm yelling, shivering, crying. If one only has a fake smile on his face, very soon that fake smile will be plastered on his face. Why can't we go back to the good o' days when people regard honour as more important than their lives and your word is as good as gold?There was more trust, less suspicion and people were more at peace with themselves. How many of us have to take off our masks when we get home from school or work? We treat outsiders one way and family another. We look at ourselves in yet a third way. I wonder how many wolves that scheme and plot in sheep's clothing are truly happy.

When the day is done and events in our lives are played like a reel of film, what will you be thinking then?

Determination

This is a topic which I'm familiar with. I think that everyone should go through some form of physical training to appreciate the value of determination.

Before I took up taekwondo, I thought I was determined. But training really toughened me up, not only physically but also mentally. It was not easy getting my black belt. Along the way, there were times when I'd felt like giving up. Sometimes, in the midst of training, I'd think "I'm going to die/I'm dying." But I made it through the training eventually.

As a result of training, I look down on those who give up halfway. I think they are weak. My mind will be screaming "Excuses!" like how Hock Sir always shouts at us when we are gasping and panting and on the verge of fainting/vomitting and we say we are tired. To be pushed to and over the limit has made me harsh on those who give up. I'm admittedly not the most determined person in the world but most sportspersons are. I've proven to myself that with determination, even if you don't meet your target, you'll come close to it. Frankly speaking, I believe that with determination, mountains can be moved and seas can be drained.

Eyes

Windows of your soul. They tell what your mind holds. Your eyes do not lie. Your eyes show your anger, hatred, fear, happiness, sadness, shock, bewilderment.

Babies can only see dim images when they are just born. I have seen my fair share of big and beautiful eyes. Eyes that are so black and deep you feel as if you are drowning in them (and you'll happily drown in them). Swimming pools of black. Eyes like Mrs Lum's and Chelle's. Eyes like Taka Shiro's. Eyes that make you want to kiss them. Then I've seen blood-shot eyes.

When I went to the SUN openhouse, the 2 reps from Law had small eyes, giving me the impression that they'd mugged too hard. It was a turn-off. Whatever interest I had in law diminished then. I'm not going to enter law and have my eyes become small. It's not worth it.

Love, (Hurt,) Hate

"I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You...". This is 1 of Savage Garden's songs. Is it possible to love someone before meeting that person? There's love at first sight though.

Loving entails sacrifice and exposing yourself to hurt and possibly hate. The deeper you love, the more intense the emotions are. When hurt and hate arrive, so too are they deep. The reverse is also true. If one has hated deeply before experiencing love, when love touches him, it'll transform him. Conversely, if one shies away from love when love approaches, he'll never feel love and subsequently, no hurt and hate.

It seems that everyone talks of love and hate as opposites and 2 separate and mutually exclusive matters. Yet, it's possible for love and hate to co-exist. When one loves, and there's hurt, hate forms as a product of that love. One then experiences a love-hate relationship.

It is also true that love can stand apart from hate/hatred. One can love another so much that there's no room for hate. Or there may be someone who sees fit to be nasty to you each time you meet so you naturally hate him.

Ms KAK said that love from humans is NEVER unconditional. (Guess that's why we get hurt.) Even love from our parents is conditional. I suppose it's conditional upon our obedience to them. Elan said that her parents love her because they need to but they'll drag her down. To love someone because you need to is not a good reason for loving. Or should I say it's not the BEST reason since most of us love because of the NEED to love and feel loved. The BEST reason for loving someone would be loving that person for what he is. To love because of a need implies that the love is tempered with a selfishness. Love in its purest and truest form shouldn't cause any hurt. Right? But what about grieving for a loved one who's passed on? Then there are also those who do silly things in the name of love. They scheme and plot to get a love that doesn't belong to them, although the more straightforward kind would be: If you don't love me, I'm jumping off this rooftop.

虎不食子. I do not understand why some parents can be so cruel to their children, their flesh and blood. Some parents abandon their children when the babies are born. Others don't treat their children well even though they do bring up the child. Why then have a child if you don't intend to take good care of him? I don't know if that's warped love or the absence of love. I wonder how true it is that if a person is not very loved as a child, he's not able to give out that much love when he grows up. Vicious cycles shouldn't be perpetrated but should be broken instead.

Gods, Angels, Mortals And Demons

No matter what others say, I still think that there's just one Supreme Being. There can be many gods but all make up one. It's just like humans have the essence (of god) too and when we pass on, we'll join the gods again and become one with them. For we came from the same place with them.

When humans come to earth however, they forget who they were, where they'd originally come from and adopt the identity of a lesser being, of a being with (more) weaknesses and which is more vulnerable.

When celestial beings become mortals and are limited in many ways, other celestial beings will have to help mere mortals because mere mortals are not strong enough to go through the trials and tribulations of life on their own as mere mortals. Gods/angels either come down to earth themselves to help humans or they send angels down. Or they have HUMANS who are like angels (kind, helpful etc) to look after other humans. The last option-humans looking after/supporting other humans is the worst of all. Because humans are imperfect. When an imperfect human tries to look after another imperfect and supposedly weaker human, we should pray that the former doesn't pass on his imperfectness to the latter. There's also the high chance that the former will bring pain to the latter.

Demons are deemed to be evil and scary since gods are supposedly good and kind. But I believe god is a neutral force and if God is flawless, then He/She/It (who said God has to be a male and angels cannot be celibate?) is also the most imperfect being. Anyway, I think that gods can be mean and evil like humans. This applies to demons too. There must be some kind demons.

I wonder if demons chose to come down from the realm of humans to be demons like how gods/angels chose to be humans. I wonder too if humans have gods in them, then are the demons in humans demons per se or just the other end of the impeccable god in us-the imperfect end of god?

I have attempted to comment on heaven, hell, and the beyond with my limited understanding of these realms and without the benefit of reading Dante Alighieri's "Divina Commedia" (Divine Comedy) . Shall read it someday.

Respect II (Juniors, Seniors & Equality)

Elan is my very intellectual friend. That's how I'd tell the people around me. She's the only friend with whom I have arguments/discussions with ever so often (and for which I'm thankful). Although we can have verbal sparring (or "keyboard sparring" since we usually chat online) till 3am in the morning and I end up getting a headache when I switch off my computer, I must say that at least it keeps those "sparks of life" (my brain) in me alive.

I have expected too much of AD and that's why when she failed my expectations, my emotions were in turmoil. Elan said in her comment on "Nothing Is Totally Good Or Bad": "I dislike people using 'suffering' as an excuse to say that its 'good' for someone.Or people thinking that if someone doesn't 'suffer' or hasn't 'suffered' enough, one is not qualified (i.e. to express an opinion or do something)." She dislikes and cannot subscribe to the idea of elders/seniors telling juniors "You have not suffered enough to do/say something" or to put it in AD's words, "You have not reached that age to talk like that". Sometimes, I can identify with Elan. It doesn't necessary mean that because someone is more senior (because of age or the position he is in or otherwise), he is DEFINITELY right and you HAVE to respect him and agree with his ideas.

Elan said that people who are more senior and think that they ARE right and that juniors are not entitled to express certain opinions because they are more JUNIOR operate on the the basis that they are on a higher level (than the juniors). It could be a boss-worker relationship, a teacher-student relationship, a leader and his team-mates, a parent-child relationship or a colleague who's elder. The framework is one that is unbalanced. Senior will be on a higher plane and Junior will stand on lower ground. That's the old school of thought. In Elan's words, the "new way" is one where everyone is on level playing field.

Elan said that it is troublesome for Senior to get to know Junior when they first meet so Senior just stereotypes Junior and puts Junior in a catergory of people that he knows. For example, Junior may be of the same age as Senior's son so Senior treats Junior like a son. Senior thus puts himself on a higher position than Junior. As a result, Senior expects Junior to show him the respect like a son or junior. It's just like how AD treats me like a junior. There's no capacity/room for treating me like an equal, like a colleague.

In the case of friends, you treat friends like your equals so you are on equal playing fields but you respect their sentivities. They slap you once and you punch them back. It's perfectly fine. We are all equals. But there'll be tension when you treat someone as an equal and he treats you like a junior. You are at a disadvantage because you're at a lower end than the other person. When the other person turns around and exerts his seniority/authority over you, the one who's hurt and disappointed is yourself because all along, you thought that you were on equal grounds. You realise that you have crossed his boundaries.

When we treat someone as an equal, the respect we have for him lessens. Because you understand each other more and both expose your vulnerabilities to each other. Thus, you let down your guard and see that person's flaws which in turn lessens the respect you have for that someone. Family relations are slightly different. You can't really treat your parents like equals but because you have to live with them, you see all their flaws and the blunders they make. And so when you see how imperfect they are, your respect for them diminishes. You know that they love you so you can quarrel with them, scream at them, hurt and disppoint them but you know they still love you in the end. But this kind of "no respect relationships" are more solid and grounded and you are closer to those who share this relationship with you.

It feels good when we are on the giving end ie. we are in a higher position than others and others "have to" respect us. But when we're on the receiving end...it's better to put ourselves in the shoes of those on the receiving end and treat juniors like equals.

Understanding the different frameworks that Seniors and Juniors operate in gives sense to the feeling of betrayal in me. Elan said something to the effect of "You have to know where it starts, where it ends, where they are coming from, where you stand." So, to save oneself from hurt, it's better to retrieve the feelings he's invested, not to invest any more feelings and operate in the same framework that Senior is working in ie. Senior is in a higher position than Junior and keep an arm's length from Senior. Otherwise, Junior who's still looking at Senior as an equal is going to get hurt. I'm thinking of what Mark (Andrew Lincoln) said to Juliet (Keira Knightley) in "Love Actually": "It's a self-preservation thing." 要收回感情 is sad and a pity.

Choices

Cause and effect. That's what choices are all about. Karma. What goes around comes around.

Someone wise I know used to say "Nothing is compulsory. It's just the consequences." In essence, it means we can always choose to do or not to do anything. But we'll have to bear the consequences. We can choose not to eat. But we'll be hungry later. So to prevent ourselves from crying out from hunger pains, we are forced to eat. In that sense we are left with no choice. Life is like that. Sometimes, you have a whole array of choices for you, like a buffet spread. Sometimes, the choices are limited. Other times, circumstances leave you with no choice and we've to make painful decisions.

When we are faced with too many options, we are lost. When we don't have any choice, we are lost. Life is full of choices. There's no totality (total good or total bad) to anything which complicates matters, especially when we already have to face the decision-making of choosing from either too many choices or no choice.

Vis Sa said in a recent talk I attended that when he went overseas to study, he wanted to buy some cheese. He walked into a supermarket and saw a whole shelf of cheese and because he was faced with so many choices, he stood there staring at the cheese, not being able to do anything. In the end, he didn't buy any cheese. Someone who's unaccustomed to many choices is faced with rigormortis when confronted with many choices. On the contrary, someone who doesn't have any choice will be dismayed and frustrated by his lack of options.

There's a phrase I've heard. It goes like this: You can choose to do this or that. By doing nothing, you are also choosing.

I don't know which is worse: To have no choice and get into an unhappy situation or to make a bad choice and be forced into situations you hate. It is so hard to CHOOSE which is worse. It is hard enough to choose in the first place.

Right And Wrong

Who is to decide what's right and what's wrong? Humans can't judge humans. Only heaven can. That is why you see there are some who are very lucky and others who are less fortunate. The gods have a way of judging humans and dishing out punishment to us mere mortals. It is preposterous for humans to judge one another when humans are not infallible themselves!

When a taxi driver peddles drugs because his wife has cancer, and he's to pay for the exorbitant medical expenses, he is convicted of drug trafficking and judged according to the standards of humans. But was he wrong to try to save his wife? When a pregnant woman with twins has to choose which one of the babies to kill because both babies would die if she insists on giving birth to both, she's convicted of murder. Humans are weird. We often point a finger at others and 3 at ourselves. We know we shouldn't judge because we are capable of making the same mistakes as the ones we are faulting but we still do. Who is to say what's wrong and what's right? Can anyone say for sure that choosing something over another thing is the right thing? That there's no opportunity cost? What's right to you may be wrong to me. Like you may think I'm talking crap but I feel I'm talking sense.

Respect I

Respect has got to be earned. Isn't it so? Respect, like love, is only received when it's given out. Interviewed this bleeping idiot of doctor on Wednesday-8 March 2006. He was difficult and a true disgrace to the medical profession. Arrogant just because he's a doctor. CP called him "b*****d". Honestly, I don't respect him even though he's a doctor. He ought to be smacked, wringed and hung up to dry.

Authorities demand respect and to a certain extent, they deserve it unconditionally because of the higher position that they are in. But the rest of the respect that they want to/going to get has got to be earned. The world is your mirror. If you want and deserve respect, give it out. Otherwise, don't blame the world for pointing fingers behind you and dishing out colourful languages after you.

I do not subscribe to corporal punishment as a way of getting respect as a way of getting respect. It is more a way of instilling fear to achieve your ends and another form of terrorism. Think of the Japanese during WWII. People didn't do their bidding because they respected the Japanese. They did it because they were fearful. In fact, because it was not respect but fear that was planted, so too did hatred grow.

I never believed that corporal punishment is a way of commanding respect simply because Dad had NEVER touched a single hair in my entire life. Conversely, Mum has whacked me countless times. It doesn't turn that because Dad's never hit me before, I don't respect him. And I, like those who suffered the yoke of the Japanese rule, DETEST people who demand respect through the rule of fear. I will not take that lying down. I will stand up against them and give them what they deserve: my utmost scorn and hatred.

Expectations

From the time we are born, so too are expectations. Parents are expected to look after their children, the kids grow and you expect them to obey you, to be the top in class, to be the President of this or that club. And of course, society also expects you/your child to have a decent job unless you are willing to ignore the strange looks and malicious whispers and be looked down on/frowned upon by society. You study hard to fulfil expectations of yourself, your parents, your teachers. You work hard and you expect your boss to appreciate and value you. You give out love and you expect reciprocation. When howeever, expectations are not met, disappointment sets in. Is it wrong to expect then? Or not? Is it not a right for us to expect when we have given out something or taken on a responsibility? I believe the right to expect and the act itself is instinctive.

"Expect the unexpected". What kind of crap is this? If the unexpected can be expected, then it wouldn't be unexpected anymore. Some would argue that the unexpected makes life more interesting and provides room for creativity blah blah blah. I still prefer to be in the known than unknown. At least, I wouldn't create unnecessary and unwanted tension within myself. Given the choice to eliminate any expectations, I would take it. Expecting is an agonizing and sometimes painful process even though you feel great when your expectations are met. I'd rather not expect anything and so when what I've given comes back, it's a bonus.

When you don't get the results you expected from the effort you put in, there's disappointment. When you expect someone to behave in a certain way and they do something unexpected, you are disappointed, hurt, or lost. It'd be better to protect yourself from such devastating tragedies. As Mark (played by Andrew Lincoln) in "Love Actually" said when he told Juliet (played by Keira Knightley) why he didn't profess his love for her (before she married their other best friend): "It's a self-preservation thing."He didn't expect to get her love so he kept his feelings hidden from her and so was saved from the disappointment of knowing if his love would be reciprocated. Of course the flip side of his non-expectation and subsequently inaction was that he never knew that she liked him till she married. Which was a pity. So should we be "bold" and go on expecting or withdraw from expectations for "self-preservation"?

Hunted

Watched "The Hunted" on Monday-7 March 2006. The action wasn't bad but the plot was crap. The title provided some food for thought.

We are all hunted in some sense. Hunted and haunted by societal demands and norms, the pressures of our family and of ourselves. Yes, we not only hunt others as a society by imposing our standards on them and judging them if they do not meet our standards, but we also hunt ourselves. If it's belivably possible. We try to be the perfect kid, the perfect student, the perfect spouse, the perfect _______ so that we can kid ourselves that everything is perfect. It is a farce. The truth is, we are not perfect and never will be. And so we are going around in circles, trying to attain perfectness in whatever we're trying to achieve, creating tension within ourselves, trapping ourselves and hunting ourselves. We are thus the Hunter and the Hunted. Reminds me of the saying "One's greatest enemy is himself."

Forgiveness And Hatred

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it".

Whoever said this must have a heart as wide as the sea. Conversely, he could have crushed a million violets for all I know. It IS hard to forgive those who are guilty of leaving scars behind. I don't even know if death-the significance of an end-is able to end the hatred, such powerful and strong hatred that lifts people up and deposits them in a place beyond heaven and hell. I suppose it's natural to find it hard to forgive. Afterall, humans are only made to be LIKE god. We are not truly gods although we do have the essence in us. We are not angels either. Even angels may not be able to forgive wholly. Humans and gods belong to different realms and thus have different capacities, abilities, capabilities. If gods are omniscient and humans have to pray to angels and gods for help and mercy, then it gives that humans' ability to forgive will only be a fraction of the celestial beings'. It is sad to harbour hatred. It's a shadow, a painful reminder of the past and a monster that'll haunt you until you are rid of it. Maybe to be human means you have to experience all the human emotions/experiences to make you humane and a true human.

Nothing Is Totally Good Or Bad

It all started with Mimi not having a washing machine/laundromat. I told Elan that Mimi will then have to handwash and it'll make her more independent. Elan finds it ridiculous that people have to suffer to attain success. She cited training as an example for which I could identify with perfectly well. Training under a SEA games legend, international fighters, Sirs who hold us and themselves to high standards was a killer. But training pushed me to and over the limit. Without training, I'd never have known what I'm capable of. Training opened up new horizons for me. Elan thinks that someone may be made to suffer because he's a tool to be utilised for his potential. Suffering may make a person successful but at a price. The person will become bitter and miserable.

Suffering can indeed make or break someone. Suffering can make someone stronger but at the same time, turn him into a bitter person. There's no total good or bad in suffering. No right or wrong.

As an afterthought to attaining success at a price, what's the point in giving up what is valueless (principles, relationships etc) for what is valued (by society)? Many sacrifice their time with themselves, with family, with friends for work. Like ET, who was top, pushed away all her friends in her bid for success. During her climb to the top, she pushed away her friends. After the climb, she realised she'd no friends and was depressed. But by then, how many friends had she left for she'd pushed them away?

In The Apprentice 3, Bren, the eloquent lawyer who was 1 of the better competitors, gave up the fight in the end because he was tired and he looked forward to going back. He realised what really mattered to him and he looked forward to going back home, going back to his wife. How many of us can truly appreciate that fact before we lose what we treasure?

Crossroads, Fate and Destiny

I'm at the crossroads of my life. Is it always like this when people turn 21? My friends have gone overseas; I've applied for scholarships and to universities. Right now, every second has a purpose. Every step I take brings me closer to my dream of studying again. Every breath is sweeter than the one before.

I wish I've interest in law. Then I wouldn't hesitate to go overseas too. Honestly, I'd like to go overseas, leave behind all the crap, get away from me. Ms C told me that she's got this stack, this stack and that stack of incoming and all of them are overdue, how? Kept my gap shut for fear of saying the wrong things. It's not so glamourous being a lawyer afterall. I'm glad Ms Ng and AD are not lawyers. Maybe it was a good thing for AD not to be a lawyer. She looks older than she is. Can't imagine how she'd look if she were a lawyer. AD is kind. There was a brief period recently when I lost my smile without realising it because I was so busy and tired. I was on the brink of exhaustion. If AD hadn't stepped in to help when she did, it'd not be long before I crack. AD and KC are smart. They know that it'd be too late if I ask for help by the time I start drowning because I'd be sinking by then and no one would be able to help me then. AD's mean. She came into my life so much and one day, she's to leave. She should've just left me alone so I won't be sad when the time comes for us to part. I'm quite dependant on AD. She gives me a sense of security not unlike a mummy gives her child. I never worry with AD around. She's so bad: she made me so dependent on her! I really HATE to 欠人感情!

I'm not thinking of V so often now. In fact, she's sort of slipped quietly to the back of my mind. Is it to be like this? That people who care for you and whom you care for will slowly but surely fade away? If so, I'd rather not meet them in the first place because my heart has no room for heartache.

Loving someone is sweet (甜). Leaving someone you love is bittersweet (苦). In-between loving and leaving are the 酸 and 辣. Familiarity breeds contempt. I feel for AD, I was angry at AD, disappointed in AD, touched by AD. Without AD, I wouldn't survive in CLL. There was a day when I stood at my desk and stared at AD during lunch. AD asked why I was staring at her. I couldn't reply. I really feel now that I'm about to leave AD. I wanted to stare at her and watch her eat during lunch because I'll not get to do so in the not so far away future. Previously, although I knew in my mind that I'd be going to study in July/August 2006, the feeling was never real. Now, it's become very real. Now, I sometimes look at AD and think we should learn how to say goodbye now.

I seem to experience partings with more regularity in recent years. 1997-Primary 6. 4 years later, 2001-Secondary 4. 3 years later, 2005-Poly graduation. Also in 2005, V's farewell. Less than a year later, 2006-I'll leave AD.

There's 1 phrase which I like which goes like this: So it's cruel of God to let us meet by what he calls Fate and to tear us apart by what he calls Destiny.

Elan has said that humans form relationships because it's beneficial to them. Every relationship that we have benefits us in some way or other. So maybe I shouldn't dwell on partings too much for as relationships are temporal, so too is the missing/longing of a person. So if someone you love will eventually leave you (or vice-versa), why then does the Higher Being still let people meet and create short-term relationships with each other? It seems an awful waste of time since you'll be where you started off initially: without that special someone. Unless what went on in-between changed you. Then Fate and Destiny would have meaning. For letting people meet then tear them apart. For making 2 star-crossed lovers brush each other's shoulders a million times before finally meeting. (Taken from the movie "Turn Left, Turn Right": They'd be greatly astonished to learn that for a long time Chance had been playing with them. Not yet wholly ready to transform into fate for them. It (Fate) approached them, then backed off, stood in their way and, suppressing a giggle, jumped to the side.) Or for composing a heart-rending symphony of 2 people falling in love only to have them stand on opposite ends and look at each other with longing, helpless to the forces of Fate and Destiny that surround them.