Respect II (Juniors, Seniors & Equality)

Elan is my very intellectual friend. That's how I'd tell the people around me. She's the only friend with whom I have arguments/discussions with ever so often (and for which I'm thankful). Although we can have verbal sparring (or "keyboard sparring" since we usually chat online) till 3am in the morning and I end up getting a headache when I switch off my computer, I must say that at least it keeps those "sparks of life" (my brain) in me alive.

I have expected too much of AD and that's why when she failed my expectations, my emotions were in turmoil. Elan said in her comment on "Nothing Is Totally Good Or Bad": "I dislike people using 'suffering' as an excuse to say that its 'good' for someone.Or people thinking that if someone doesn't 'suffer' or hasn't 'suffered' enough, one is not qualified (i.e. to express an opinion or do something)." She dislikes and cannot subscribe to the idea of elders/seniors telling juniors "You have not suffered enough to do/say something" or to put it in AD's words, "You have not reached that age to talk like that". Sometimes, I can identify with Elan. It doesn't necessary mean that because someone is more senior (because of age or the position he is in or otherwise), he is DEFINITELY right and you HAVE to respect him and agree with his ideas.

Elan said that people who are more senior and think that they ARE right and that juniors are not entitled to express certain opinions because they are more JUNIOR operate on the the basis that they are on a higher level (than the juniors). It could be a boss-worker relationship, a teacher-student relationship, a leader and his team-mates, a parent-child relationship or a colleague who's elder. The framework is one that is unbalanced. Senior will be on a higher plane and Junior will stand on lower ground. That's the old school of thought. In Elan's words, the "new way" is one where everyone is on level playing field.

Elan said that it is troublesome for Senior to get to know Junior when they first meet so Senior just stereotypes Junior and puts Junior in a catergory of people that he knows. For example, Junior may be of the same age as Senior's son so Senior treats Junior like a son. Senior thus puts himself on a higher position than Junior. As a result, Senior expects Junior to show him the respect like a son or junior. It's just like how AD treats me like a junior. There's no capacity/room for treating me like an equal, like a colleague.

In the case of friends, you treat friends like your equals so you are on equal playing fields but you respect their sentivities. They slap you once and you punch them back. It's perfectly fine. We are all equals. But there'll be tension when you treat someone as an equal and he treats you like a junior. You are at a disadvantage because you're at a lower end than the other person. When the other person turns around and exerts his seniority/authority over you, the one who's hurt and disappointed is yourself because all along, you thought that you were on equal grounds. You realise that you have crossed his boundaries.

When we treat someone as an equal, the respect we have for him lessens. Because you understand each other more and both expose your vulnerabilities to each other. Thus, you let down your guard and see that person's flaws which in turn lessens the respect you have for that someone. Family relations are slightly different. You can't really treat your parents like equals but because you have to live with them, you see all their flaws and the blunders they make. And so when you see how imperfect they are, your respect for them diminishes. You know that they love you so you can quarrel with them, scream at them, hurt and disppoint them but you know they still love you in the end. But this kind of "no respect relationships" are more solid and grounded and you are closer to those who share this relationship with you.

It feels good when we are on the giving end ie. we are in a higher position than others and others "have to" respect us. But when we're on the receiving end...it's better to put ourselves in the shoes of those on the receiving end and treat juniors like equals.

Understanding the different frameworks that Seniors and Juniors operate in gives sense to the feeling of betrayal in me. Elan said something to the effect of "You have to know where it starts, where it ends, where they are coming from, where you stand." So, to save oneself from hurt, it's better to retrieve the feelings he's invested, not to invest any more feelings and operate in the same framework that Senior is working in ie. Senior is in a higher position than Junior and keep an arm's length from Senior. Otherwise, Junior who's still looking at Senior as an equal is going to get hurt. I'm thinking of what Mark (Andrew Lincoln) said to Juliet (Keira Knightley) in "Love Actually": "It's a self-preservation thing." 要收回感情 is sad and a pity.