Crossroads, Fate and Destiny

I'm at the crossroads of my life. Is it always like this when people turn 21? My friends have gone overseas; I've applied for scholarships and to universities. Right now, every second has a purpose. Every step I take brings me closer to my dream of studying again. Every breath is sweeter than the one before.

I wish I've interest in law. Then I wouldn't hesitate to go overseas too. Honestly, I'd like to go overseas, leave behind all the crap, get away from me. Ms C told me that she's got this stack, this stack and that stack of incoming and all of them are overdue, how? Kept my gap shut for fear of saying the wrong things. It's not so glamourous being a lawyer afterall. I'm glad Ms Ng and AD are not lawyers. Maybe it was a good thing for AD not to be a lawyer. She looks older than she is. Can't imagine how she'd look if she were a lawyer. AD is kind. There was a brief period recently when I lost my smile without realising it because I was so busy and tired. I was on the brink of exhaustion. If AD hadn't stepped in to help when she did, it'd not be long before I crack. AD and KC are smart. They know that it'd be too late if I ask for help by the time I start drowning because I'd be sinking by then and no one would be able to help me then. AD's mean. She came into my life so much and one day, she's to leave. She should've just left me alone so I won't be sad when the time comes for us to part. I'm quite dependant on AD. She gives me a sense of security not unlike a mummy gives her child. I never worry with AD around. She's so bad: she made me so dependent on her! I really HATE to 欠人感情!

I'm not thinking of V so often now. In fact, she's sort of slipped quietly to the back of my mind. Is it to be like this? That people who care for you and whom you care for will slowly but surely fade away? If so, I'd rather not meet them in the first place because my heart has no room for heartache.

Loving someone is sweet (甜). Leaving someone you love is bittersweet (苦). In-between loving and leaving are the 酸 and 辣. Familiarity breeds contempt. I feel for AD, I was angry at AD, disappointed in AD, touched by AD. Without AD, I wouldn't survive in CLL. There was a day when I stood at my desk and stared at AD during lunch. AD asked why I was staring at her. I couldn't reply. I really feel now that I'm about to leave AD. I wanted to stare at her and watch her eat during lunch because I'll not get to do so in the not so far away future. Previously, although I knew in my mind that I'd be going to study in July/August 2006, the feeling was never real. Now, it's become very real. Now, I sometimes look at AD and think we should learn how to say goodbye now.

I seem to experience partings with more regularity in recent years. 1997-Primary 6. 4 years later, 2001-Secondary 4. 3 years later, 2005-Poly graduation. Also in 2005, V's farewell. Less than a year later, 2006-I'll leave AD.

There's 1 phrase which I like which goes like this: So it's cruel of God to let us meet by what he calls Fate and to tear us apart by what he calls Destiny.

Elan has said that humans form relationships because it's beneficial to them. Every relationship that we have benefits us in some way or other. So maybe I shouldn't dwell on partings too much for as relationships are temporal, so too is the missing/longing of a person. So if someone you love will eventually leave you (or vice-versa), why then does the Higher Being still let people meet and create short-term relationships with each other? It seems an awful waste of time since you'll be where you started off initially: without that special someone. Unless what went on in-between changed you. Then Fate and Destiny would have meaning. For letting people meet then tear them apart. For making 2 star-crossed lovers brush each other's shoulders a million times before finally meeting. (Taken from the movie "Turn Left, Turn Right": They'd be greatly astonished to learn that for a long time Chance had been playing with them. Not yet wholly ready to transform into fate for them. It (Fate) approached them, then backed off, stood in their way and, suppressing a giggle, jumped to the side.) Or for composing a heart-rending symphony of 2 people falling in love only to have them stand on opposite ends and look at each other with longing, helpless to the forces of Fate and Destiny that surround them.