Education VIII

When I started this term, I could still sleep at 10.30pm. Slowly, I slept at 11pm. Then 12 midnight. Then 12.15am. And so on. Due to the sheer amount of homework and in part my laziness, my sleeping time has been pushed back during the term. When school started, not only was my sleeping hours affected, my sleep too, was affected. There is the stress from school which made it hard for me to sleep. Thus, sleep really became a luxury to me. Because I had problems sleeping. BTW, I don't have problems sleeping during the holidays or when I'm working.

At the beginning of this term, I could find the time to finish my readings and do proper revision like a good student should. Subsequently, I skipped readings and then I couldn't find the time to do proper revision for my classes and I skipped class. By Week 6, I was already looking forward to the mid-term break. After the mid-term break, I was looking forward to the end of the term. I started to count down to the holidays. It's ironic because it's not that I don't love school. On the contrary, I love to study. But there's always a limit to everything, I guess. Too much of something will turn you off.

The term is coming to an end. Even though the current global financial crisis will have a turnaround next year, I still worry. Singapore's economy will pick up (hopefully) from the middle of next year. Because if it doesn't, I will have to 吃西北风。I look at the people who are graduating at the end of this term and I am thankful I am still studying. I just want to stay in the shelters of the schooling environment where no financial crises can hit the iron-strong walls of this environment.

Coincidence

In life, there can't be too many coincidences. I always say "If something happens once, it's a coincidence. If something happens twice or more, it's never a coincidence. In other words, it's intentional/there's an external force at work. This external force could be ourselves or the universe.

The other day, I was going home on a train and happened to be talking to Em over the hp at the same time. Just then, I heard an announcement over the loudspeaks in Em's background. From the style of the announcement, I guessed Em was on the same line as me. So I asked her "Where are you?" "I'm on the train". "Which stop are you at?" The reply came "I'm going towards Dhoby Ghaut". At that time, my train was pulling away from Dhoby Ghaut. So in 1 of life's coincidences, in those few seconds, we passed by each other on DIFFERENT trains in the SAME line, she going towards city and I away from city. While talking to each other on the phone.

Here is another so-called "coincidence". Yesterday, I didn't leave immediately when KC called. We'd arranged to meet. When I did, it was a good 15min later. So I SMS-ed KC on the train. KC asked"Which stop are you at?" "Orchard" "Going towards Orchard?" "Yea". Whatever else KC said was lost in the babble of the chatter in my background and the screeching of the train in the tunnel. "I can't hear you. I SMS you!" I told KC. Then I received KC's SMS: "We are in the same train". "Which car are you in? I'm towards the end". "I'm in the middle". But we didn't go searching for each other. After we came out from the train, I saw that KC was actually just 1 or 2 cars away from me when we were in the train.

Nothing Is Totally Good Or Bad II

I'd said in "Nothing Is Totally Good Or Bad" that "As an afterthought to attaining success at a price, what's the point in giving up what is valueless (principles, relationships etc) for what is valued (by society)? Many sacrifice their time with themselves, with family, with friends for work. Like ET, who was top, pushed away all her friends in her bid for success. During her climb to the top, she pushed away her friends. After the climb, she realised she'd no friends and was depressed. But by then, how many friends had she left for she'd pushed them away?"

Today I found out that ET didn't complete her Uni education and according to a friend, "put on lots of weight". She'd fallen into depression. Right now, she seems fine. But it's a pity that ET didn't complete her Uni education because she definitely has the brains and also leadership quality.

Even though I can't say I'm close to ET now, I was still concerned when I heard that something'd happened to her. I guess that deep inside, she is still my old friend.

I started thinking about being average. I am thankful that I am average, not too smart/intelligent like ET, not too hardworking nor too pragmatic like ET who pushed away all her friends in the climb for success. Em felt it was just a moment of neglect. But I felt abandoned. If I become another ET, my friends might feel that sense of abandonment which I felt.

Anyway, ET, once the student councillor of her JC, once the head prefect of her Sec school, once the assistant head prefect of her Pri school, president of choir in her Sec school, group leader of her Pri school camp, was just too smart/intelligent, too capable, too diligent, too pragmatic, too ________. I never thought she'd never finish her Uni studies. It just didn't occur to me. In fact, I have such a good opinion of her I saw her as a career woman, some president of some company. I never thought anything bad could happen to her. Makes you realize how vulnerable humans are.

I am thankful I am average. In life, there is always a balance. The higher you go, the smarter you are, the better off you are as compared with the rest of the population, the worse the fall is when it comes. WHEN it comes, not IF it comes. Life is not a bed of roses. There are ups and downs in life. You may be better off in 1 way but worse off in another way. I am thankful I don't have too much. Otherwise, there's too much to lose. I'm thankful I'm not too smart. I don't want depression even though I've experienced it before. I'm thankful I don't have some things but are blessed with others. I'm thankful that even though I'm not rich, but compared to the rest of the world, I have food to eat. I'm thankful I am studying in a Uni now as compared to some who don't have this chance.

It's funny how unappreciative people are and what complainers they are until they see others worse than them. That's when we take stock of our life and say "Hey, I'm actually pretty okay where I am."

Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) VI

I haven't really thought about death/dying so much. Maybe because I took living for granted, that this act of breathing in and out would continue at least for the next few decades for me. I'm being optimistic because barring unforseen circumstances like accidents and death due to misadventure and unnatural causes, a human's lifespan in sunny little Singapore these days should reach 80 years or so. Sometimes, I may say "Who knows, I may die tomorrow?" But of course, I don't expect myself to really die suddenly or unexpectedly. I still expect myself to be alive and kicking. If I really die suddenly like in an accident, then I will definitely die a regretful ghost for the people I left behind and the things undone.

Death is really depressing. Really. Whether it's your own death or the death of someone you know. It makes life meaningless. Why do we persist in our efforts when impending doom looms near? What can you do when you know you are going to die?

My near brushes with death certainly scared the living daylights out of me. I don't want to die so soon. There are still many things I want to do, that I haven't done.

In the face of death, everything else takes second place. No one will be angry with you when they know you are dying. In fact, they will feel sorry for you. You can practically get away with a lot of things. "Afterall, he's going to die" they say.

生离死别 is part of life, part of our human and humane existence. But why, oh why, can't I accept that no one is immortal? A sense of melancholy tinged with despair fills me when I think of death. I wonder if the death of a physical body or of the mind-Alzheimer's can cause the death of the heart. Will you, who are close to me feel a part of your heart die with my death?

Since we are all going to die someday, what is the legacy you are going to leave behind?

Deserving, Undeserved, Well-deserved II

You hear of stories of poor people. In sunny little Singapore, we also have our share of the poor, some poorer than others just as some men are more equal than others. What is so heartwrenching to me was when I came across these referrals by schools for financial aid:

"ABC is well-behaved, motivated and hardworking. She is in need of financial help and is currently under MOE financial assistance."

"DEF looks forward to come to school even though he stays as far as Jalan Very Far. He has never been late and has been very positive in his attitude."

How about this? "GHI is a quiet and well-behaved student. He cannot afford to come to school regularly and he needs to take turns with his brother to come to school."

"JKL's parents are odd job labourers, and do not bring home salaries consistently. His father does not come home regularly. He is therefore left to fend for himself. He is not provided with any allowance and even has difficulties attending school (no money given for transport and food)."

"MNO is trying to be self-supportive in her finances as parents do only odd job and at times out of job. She has difficulties with finances but still wants to finish her O level. She is determined to have education and have a good career in the future."

"Mother is the sole bread winner. Father has passed away. PQR is the eldest with younger siblings. He is a good boy and active in CCA. He is well-liked by teachers and a very well-behaved boy."

"STU comes from a single parent family. Since the demise of her father, her mother tries to provide for the family as a baby sitter. (income $530) She has 3 other siblings in school." $530 for a person's living expenses is okay provided one is frugal. $530 for FIVE people is terrible. Makes you feel for them.

"Parents earn "$150.00 (5 children)".

"Parents not working (2 children)".

"Student is being supported by the grandmother and at times by the uncle. The mother passed away suddenly 3 years ago. There is no trace of the father. Recently, the grandmother has been sick and unable to work. Student is a good soccer player."

"Mother not working. Father in prison since Dec 2006. VWX is the eldest. Mum borrows money from friends to support the family. According to the student (VWX), the family at times eat bread and drink tea for dinner."

Do these put you to shame? Here we are, living in relative comfort compared to these poor folks. We don't have to eat bread and drink tea for dinner. At least we have a roof over our heads and we don't have to worry about food on the table or taking turns to go to school with sibilings or having no money for school.

Shame on you who are born with a silver spoon in your mouth with food being served on a silver platter, AND who are NOT born with the silver spoon but have worked enough to put yourself in the top end of the salary scale, and do nothing to help people like this. You must have no heart and/because you are too caught up in your own little world to do your part and lend a hand to people who are worse off than you, who have to take turns with their sibling to go to school. It irks me that there are people like this, living their comfort life, complaining about the loss of the convenience of a spoilt laptop. Have you, for a moment before you complained, thought about the people who don't have the luxury of owning a laptop/PC/fancy gadgets like that?

It irks me more when I'm in touch with the lower class. If I were God, I'd make every single person, rich or poor alike do a day of manual labour. So what if you are rich? You are only up there, sitting your fat butts on your money. Mother Theresa had nothing but a heart of gold. She helped so many. When she died, she only had a few possessions. I'm not saying everyone should be Mother Theresa. Indeed, we are not saints and most of us can't match her. But at least we can do something to help others, to help at least 1 person. If everyone who has the ability to help others does so, we'd be able to lessen the suffering in the world by a fair bit.

I've come to the conclusion that Singaporeans are spoilt and selfish and they spoil their kids and produce another spoilt and selfish generation.

Time

Time is a diminishing resource unlike money which is also a resource but doesn't diminish.

You choose who and what to spend your time on. Even if you don't choose, you have just spent that time. Because every second that ticks by is a second lost in eternity. You do things which you find meaningful to you, which you enjoy wasting time on.

During the last days of spending hours to travel everyday, I haven't made use of my travelling time fully. To think of the hours of travelling every day multiplied by many days over-I am guilty of wasting time. I'd slept when I was travelling instead of doing something productive. As we grow older, we have lesser time. So it's natural to grab every minute possible to do those things you can't usually find the time for.

When I went out with SH, she was driving with one hand and in her words, "do(ing) a lot of nonsense" with the other hand like sms-ing, holding the phone speaker, searching for her dropped hp. When I went out with Ms Lim, she cleaned her car while driving. These are people who utilize every second they have.

Time has become such a scarce resource who and what you spend your time on determines if you have lived each day to the fullest. In that case, we should invest our time wisely especially since you can't get it back. If time is a resource, is it wise to invest in people/things in which the returns are low? If someone is unable/unwilling to invest as much time into your relationship as you, should we start investing in other relationships in which the returns are higher? Is fishing as a hobby a productive use of time? Maybe. If you sell the fishes. Or you cook them for dinner.

Growing Up

When I was young, everything was possible. I thought I'd be a scientist. I thought I'd be a lwyer. I thought I'd be a doctor. When you were a kid, everything was within reach. The sky was the limit.

When I grew older, I realised certain realities. Yes, the sky at that time was still within reach but there are obstacles along the way, people who obstruct your progress.

Even older, I started realising that I wasn't interested in the sky anymore.

Much older, I learnt that even if I'm interested in the sky, it's too far away for me. That's when the sky came crashing down and I know I've limited abilities.

I don't know if the sky hates me or I hate the sky. Anyway, not only do I have limited abilities, when I grew up, I learnt about responsibilities. It doesn't mean that when you've the ability to do something, you can go ahead and do it because there's something called "consequences". For example, I cannot spit on the ground because I'd be fined.

I wishI don't have to grow up because ignorance is bliss. Right now, as an adult, there are certain responsibilities you've to take. You can say "Heck it" and do what you want but there's music to be faced later. Anyway, that's irresponsibility. There's more responsibilities the older you get. Each responsibility is a burden. I feel old and tired.

Future

I keep on talking about the past. I should also touch on the future. If you can go forward in time, what'd you change?

I thought I'd go rob a bank since no one will know it's me. But I guess it'll be found out since banks have all those highly efficient, highly pressured individuals who ensure that the banks are highly efficient and highly pressured. Then I thought of being Robin Hood-robbing the rich to help the poor and which rich I'd rob. But I realised I can't do that. If it's someone you don't like who happens to lead a difficult life in the future and you rob him, even if it's someone you don't like, you'd hesitate to rob him because you'd feel sorry for his plight.

Future. This word seems so distant. What is my future going to be like? Somehow, I feel that my life was planned long ago by forces not mine and I'm only living the life that was mapped out long ago. Am I to continue on this trajectory which was destined long ago? The past-I cannot change. I look back and realise there are things I'd missed out in life and feel shortchanged. After all the reflection and self-beating, I'm back to myself, being alone and looking into the mirror at myself. I can only attempt to change the future because what's past is past. How do I want my future to be like? I try to create that future. There's a long way to go. I wonder if my attempts are going to be futile if the other powers have already cursed me to a doom. What's the use of working towads a future if there's no future?

Education VII

Education, why do I keep thinking of you even though you torment me so? You give me a headache sometimes yet you've brought me much joy at the same time when you are amenable and I get results. What a problematic thing! Sometimes, I think I'm in a love-hate relationship with you. I like you but I don't want you for the sake of wanting because then, you'd have lost your original meaning and my earnest pursuit of you. You give me a headache yet I cannot dump you. The times I spent with you, agonising over the little hiccups you threw up in our comfortable relationship, getting results from you, the days and nights we shared...You've entrenched yourself so deeply in my life. Even if I want to get rid of you, I can't. And I don't know how to. You've gained a foothold in my life and began to take on a meaning of your own. I like you but you give me problems. I cannot don't want you because you're so much a part of my life. The only thing I can do is live with you and the occasional headaches you give me. Honestly, if you don't give me any headaches, I'd enjoy my time with you more. Of course, that's impossible. You can see what a devil you are by making me think of and worry about you so much.

This is the 7th entry on "Education". I've not talked about any other topics with such frequency. Education is crazy. I've given up on Ethics since Week 2. It's just madness once school starts. That's an understatement. Old Lee told me that UMS' curriculum structure is like that: For every 1h we spend in class, we are supposed to spend another 3h outside class. Right. I guess the school administration must have forgotten to say to accomplish that 1h, 3h feat, we are certainly not expected to have any rest. And oh yea, don't forget you are supposed to be walking out of school presenting this brand new image of a hardworking graduate: wrinkles on your face, dark eye rings looking like a panda, or worse, a zombie. Oops, yah, we forgot to include that in the marketing campaign.

WY doesn't want to work but she's going to clear summer modules so she can graduate in 3 years instead of 4. Ironic. Instead of the usual 4 years, people these days want to graduate in 3.5, 4 years. In fact, they are eager to do so. When I first started Uni, I was caught up in this tidal wave of eagerness too. Now, I just want to enjoy my school life or what's left of it. WY is a nice friend and I feel sad that I'll probably not see her around school next term if she clears the summer modules. I have this selfish wish that she wouldn't be able to clear the summer modules so she'd have to come back next term. And maybe we can be in the same class again next term. Still, I guess we can still keep in touch even if I don't see her.

I think before the end of my UMS life, I'd have blogged 20 times on you. You and you and you, Education. You which brings me much joy and misery.

Past II

X said she could sleep perfectly before I existed. I said fine, then you go back to before I existed. She told me to bring her back to her past then. Of course I can't! But if you could-forget the time machines or taking the pill that brings you back in time-if you could go back to being like before, would you take it up?

Would not knowing me make you happier? Would it make me happier? My reality before you existed may have had less sorrows by no thanks to you but it'd also have had less substance and been less "real" in that sense. The past builds up the present. The past was innocent, the present filled with bittersweetness from looking back at the past. What used to be nice in the past is now another "thing" in the current life, taken for granted and not thought of as often, probably not looked at too. Not that you don't want to look at it. But in the mad rush of life, you've forgotten to look at it. The occasional glance you throw at it does not register the same meaning as it used to in the past. But when you stop for a moment to reflect, you realize the meaning it has for you presently. Maybe your feelings remain. Maybe your feelings've changed and you've taken a fancy to something else. Whatever it is, the past was meaningful for the time it took place in your life at that particular time and place. When you reminiscence, a smile fills your lips. You are filled with sweetness. With bittersweetness. With longing. With sorrow. With resignation and a sense of acceptance that for all that it's done to you and how it will shape your future, what is past will remain as it is, as the past. Always. There's no going back, whether you like it or not. Always.

I don't know if I want to change the past, much as I dislike parts of it. Without it, I wouldn't be the same me standing before you. I could've been better. I could've been worse. I might've been the same blundering fool with my innocence and big ego retained. To quote from Elan, "would I have lived happier, done better, done something different or be more at peace with myself?" Granted, there are some bad parts in the past I wish I could've obliterated. But they made me a more thinking individual as a result. And people around me like the current me. If they were to go to my past, would they have liked me the way they do now?

I wish I can let go of the past. Yet I feel I've to embrace it at the same time because it is part of my identity. How can the past and present resolve themselves?

Understanding

Elan talked about knowing in her blog. Since my mind's on a similar track, I will talk about understanding.

Elan said in her "Knowing" entry, "There are some kinds of people in this world that I've made up my mind to avoid. They are the dismissive, judgemental kind of people who will summarise you up in one word or phrase without even realising what they just did was to minisculize one entire person -neurons, electrons atoms and soul -into one single molecule."

Maybe it's not easy to avoid those people, if you have to face them because of your circumstances and it's definitely not easy to avoid them especially if they are people you like. We, as humans, tend to judge and we do it all the time. That's why first impressions count because snap judgment counts. We fall prey to judging others and therein lies the problem: You think you know but you don't understand.

Yet, I think it fair for those who, in Elan's words, "sum up a person in one word". After some interaction and understanding, we usually form different opinions of a person, given the complex nature of humans. Most of the time, one dominant image of someone will come to mind each time we think of that person because that's the deepest impression we have of that person's character. Right, Elan? Perhaps it's not so much as summing up an entire someone but more of coming up with one adjective to describe your deepest impression of that person.

"To these ridiculous and clueless people who think they can sum up a person in one word , I can only draw my eyebrows together. I have no rebuttal for them, because if I were to speak I would not finish in one day. And I know that minds like theirs would fail to comprehend, because they lack the tendency to consider things from many angles and perspectives, simultaneously."

I can only agree with this. Like I said, you think you know but you don't understand. I've had well-meaning people trying to solve issues. Or rather, who think they are trying to help but who, in reality, have only a vague impression of the going-ons behind the scene. I try not to be harsh on them because they DO know something but it's not the entire picture and certainly barely enough to help AND, certainly enough to rankle me when they try to help with their limited understanding. I've also had others who know nuts who BARGE IN thinking they know EVERYTHING and judge. Like Elan, I can only narrow my eyes, draw my eyebrows together, turn the other way and walk away. I have nothing to say to them because like Elan, were I to speak, I will not be able to finish in one day. How can I sum up what happened in years in one sentence? I will not be doing justice to myself. How does one sum up time in a few seconds? It's not enough. Most of the time, even if you try to explain, they think they know but they don't understand because they're not in that situation and unless they've had a similar experience, their so-called understanding if any, is only scratching the surface of the matter.

Sometimes, it's not as what Elan said, "that minds like theirs would fail to comprehend, because they lack the tendency to consider things from many angles and perspectives, simultaneously." Granted, not everyone is so myopic though everyone is judgmental. Sometimes, minds like theirs fail to comprehend not because of the lack of their macroscopic view but because these people lack the understanding of the entire situation in the first place. And so, they think they know but actually they don't understand.

Giving Up IV

Today, I saw the caption of the newpaper advertisement of "Away From Her": "Sometimes you have to let go of what you can't live without". How apt that I saw this as I was thinking of "Letting Go".

When I left BJ the first time, I was forced to give up what I cannot hold on to. I was helpless to the tides of destiny that pulled me back to the shores of sunny little Singapore. I'd to give up my comfort life, I'd to give up the things I treasure, the food, the people, the leisure. I'd to give up all the little bits that made up my simple yet happy life.

And because there is a longing, I went back. How can I let go so easily? Like you, I am human afterall and I can't turn on and off my emotions like a tap. Despite all the unhappiness and past decisions to let go, I/you/we still hang on.

Granted, nothing is forever and that too, shall pass. I accept there's a time for everything and there's a time to hang on and a time to let go. I'd said in "Giving Up III", "How does one give up so-and-so or such-and-such when it's become so entwined and so much a part of his life?". When I decided to give up, why does it hurt so?

I've given up money for time, traded work for relationships. When you decide to do otherwise, will we still see eye to eye? If we can't see each other, is it time to let go? Before you came into my life, I managed to live on fine. When you decided to let go, how do you fill the heart's hole? Yes, to quote from Elan, it's too late now to go back and reconstruct a different mentality other than the one you instilled in me.

When you decide to let go, does it mean you don't care about whoever/whatever anymore? Even if you do still care, gone are the days of passion. If you don't care as much, (why) should the other party still hang on? I am not so altruistic/forgiving/generous. "If I love you, will you love me back? If you don't love me, should I love you?" Elan's words ring true in my ears. When to hang on and when to let go? That's the million dollar question. "The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go". When you really care about something/someone, it's hard to let go, even if you want to. What if you have to but can't?

Crossroads, Fate and Destiny II

I didn't get shortlisted by CS. I knew it right from the beginning they were looking for the best of the (academic) best. Guess I just needed confirmation that I wouldn't be shortlisted so I can put my mind to ease and look at alternatives to finding an internship. I wonder if I should go to India or Shanghai or some other place in China. Desperate people do desperate things. But then, 3 months is not a short time. 三个月说长不长,说短不短. I am in a dilemma.

It's quite sad that there's no place for me in Singapore. CS doesn't want me for internship and I've to look overseas. Elan blogged today: "I don't mind dedicating my life to my nation, but my nation wants the cream of the crop. My nation wants excellent brains, exceptional cca records, all-rounders, or people with a special talent or two. My nation doesn't want a run-of-the-mill, mass-produced product like me (like Canned food that you can get in every supermarket)." I said something to this extent today to X that it's hard for average people or slightly above average people like me and the friends around to find a job. We are not especially lousy. There are jobs aplenty out there like sweeping the roads for those people with lousy grades. We aren't especially exceptional such as to be in hot demand like hot cakes where the orders come even before the cakes are fully baked in the oven. No one will offer us a job before we graduate unless we go begging them for one. We are average. The problem arises when we are average. There is something wrong with being average. You are so dead when you are average because everyone else is average and you have to fight with 80%, 90% of the average population.

Went to the job fair today with Ecarg and saw so many people applying for jobs I was xian3. Competition is stiff, not just among locals but also between locals and foreigners. There were Filippina applying for jobs at the job fair. Filippina with high school degrees and bachelor degrees. How in the world am I supposed to fight with foreigners when I am already in a tough job battle against my fellow Singaporeans? What am I going to do when China, India and the Middle East finally flex their fully trained and bulging economic muscle? Will I really be relegated to sweeping the roads?

Elan continues: "My nation needs me...she taught me 4 years of NE and appeal to me in National Day Rally, to be loyal and patriotic, to not migrate, to be part of Total Defence. She needs me to be a citizen, join the labour force, boost her economic competivity, contribute to CPF, buy her houses, pay ERP, boost her morale and defend her if things ever go wrong. But she doesn't want me./ She told me that education is important and subsidised my school fees in a world where some people don't even get enough to eat. But she shows me, every step of the way, that somehow I'm not good enough, not educated enough, not talented enough, not competitive enough and at the end of the day, she left me to fend for myself in a world where half the population is fighting for ricebowls and another overcrowded half is waiting for food aid." Do I mirror Elan's thoughts? I seem to be echoing her words.

"My nation, if I love you, will you love me back? If you don't love me back, should I still love you? I am educated enough only to understand how things works. I am not educated enough or well-equipped to enter the fray and win the battle. Sometimes I wonder, if you didn't make education the centrepiece of my life, would I have lived happier, done better, done something different or be more at peace with myself? It is too late to go back, undo everything and reconstruct a different mentality other than the one you instilled in me all these years." If I were a farmer without any education tilling the land, will I be happy? I honestly don't know. At any rate, I can be sure that I'll have a simpler life.

Speaking of needs and wants reminds me of "Consumerism". We broached on that topic in Sociology and I felt strongly about it. We are all enslaved to the idea of consumerism. We buy things we THINK we need but which we actually only want or think we want. MNCs/TNCs are great at marketing and we buy and buy and buy into the idea of consumerism, not so much the things we buy. No, we don't really buy the things we buy/are buying. We are just buying the idea of consumerism. The effect is the buying.

Elan was right. "It remains possible to forgo the comfort of everyday luxuries in order to pursure your dreams but would people choose it? More than the power of comfort is the power of relativity. Would you give up that car, that air-conditioning, that condominium when everyone else has them? Would you be willing to settle for a small salary while others earn 5k a month?Everybody is competitive, about everything, including consumption. People in this age often feel dissatisfied and worse off than before, even though there is improvement in the overall standard of living, because humans measure their welfare in relative terms. If you can afford to have something that most others can't, then you are relatively better off. You will not feel better off for being able to afford indoor plumbing (that was not available many decades ago), because today, everyone else has them." I have decided to spurn consumerism. If I have a choice, I will spurn not only consumerism but also everything else and live as a hermit in some isolated island. Sadly, I am trapped in this society of "Cs", a Society of Competition and Consumerism.

I don't need something but I want it. In terms of human relationship, this equates to selfishness. I don't need you but I still want you. Sounds to me like a case of victimization/being made used of. Is it better to need and want someone at the same time? If I need you but I don't want you, it's a pathetic scenario-for myself.

I have been grappling with the issue of love and the giving/receiving of it. Elan's words "if I love you, will you love me back? If you don't love me back, should I still love you?" make me re-visit the issue of "Numero Uno" again. I have this bad habit of viewing relationships in a cost-benefit analysis. Why should I put someone as my first priority when I am not that person's Number One? Should I spend more time, energy and effort on the one to whom I am Number One so I will not let this person down? Shouldn't I? I don't know if I am making comparisons here or if they are fair. If things had not proceeded the way they did, if Fate (I) didn't enter your life, if I had never heard of you (to quote from Elan), would I have lived happier or be more at peace with myself? Would you have lived better? Yes, "it is too late to go back, undo everything and reconstruct a different mentality other than the one you instilled in me".

I don't know if I should stay to do my internship or go overseas. At the same time, I am re-visiting my values. Some things are destined. You cannot cheat death. I have always said you can't escape death if your time is up. If your time is up, you have to go, whether you like it or not, whether you want to or not. I did not realize how true it is until the wacky bunch of CLL met again on Thur-17/1. My near brushes with death made me view it more seriously. My guardian angel must be protecting me for there cannot be too many coincidences in life. Honestly, I don't want to die so soon. There are some matters which I have yet to put a closure to. I will not be a happy ghost were I to die suddenly.

Education VI

What the heck is wrong with education these days? We study not for the sake of gaining knowledge nor the thirst for it but for the sake of securing a job, a good job with a decent pay. It's been a mad house once school started and it's just the beginning of the school term. I am struggling to catch up on my readings which is more than I ever had. When I first started Uni, I thought to myself the only time I could really slow down and relax a little was during class time for it was only during class time that I didn't have to think about the unfinished work waiting for me. Ironic, yes but now that I'm faced with tons of readings, I am reminded of that little thought I had.

Ecarg wants to study forever and not work. WY wants to "rot and die" and not work. Mimi is stressed by the Singaporean and US/Australian students who do internships during their breaks even though it's not a Uni requirement. Whether it's due to peer pressure or the fierce competition we'd be facing in future, Mimi has decided to do an internship for the sake of building up her resume. Very sadly, society is losing itself in the paper chase and the search for the (greater) pot of gold. Elan is stressed by the thought of working especially as she wants to work in the CS and competition is stiff there. Ecarg has been out of the running. I wonder if I can get in. This time, I should blame myself if I don't get in for it is no one else's fault but mine for losing the golden opportunity.

If UMS gives us more time in a term to study, I would've enjoyed the learning process more. As it is, I am sacrificing knowledge for the sake of expediency: doing less readings than I would've otherwise. Right now, I complain like hell about school, about schoolwork but truth be told, I really love studying. Despite all tiredness, nothing beats a challenging class that is intellectually stimulating. At the moment, I want to study more and sleep more. Is there any way to reconcile that?