Fate and Destiny II

People almost invariably speak of fate and destiny in the same breath. It seems the two are inextricably linked.

"Ducunt volentem fata, nolemtem trahunt". That's Latin for "Fate leads the willing, the unwilling it drags". I've always believed that man is the master of his own fate, the captain of his own ship, the director of his own script. I stubbornly refuse to succumb to the forces of fate and destiny and I shall put up a fierce fight if I'm dragged by fate. Fate and destiny can change if you are determined.

I have but to wonder about fate though. Em and I met in Sec 1 but we only got to know each other in Sec 3. We were fated to meet in Sec 1 but not destined to become friends at that time. When our paths crossed again in Sec 3, that was destiny for you.

I've been surprised by fate countless times. The lift incident. How I managed to hear and answer Ms Ng's call as opposed to missing Elan's call when I was in another room. How it took 10 years to come full circle and meet Ecarg again.

Dreaming

Sleep is such a luxury. The eyes close and the mind rests. Sometimes, we fall into a void and the fall seems to last forever until the alarm rings or your mind says "Stop sleeping". Other times, even though the mind is supposed to be resting, we see pictures in our mind, one after another and we wake up feeling like we've just gone through a movie marathon.

Some dreams-you forget the moment you open your eyes. Others-you remember for a long time in the waking world. Then there are some which you'll dismiss when you wake up but one day recall when that scene from your dream transforms into reality. Yes, déjà vu.

Dreams tell the past, reflect the present and foretell the future. An instance of dreams telling you the/YOUR past: YP once had a dream in which the setting was in olden times. A few years later, she'd a continuation of that same dream.

About dreams being reflections of the present reality, scientists say that dreaming is a way the mind releases stress. As we dream, the mind sorts through the information we come across and trashes useless stuff in the form of dreams which is why we dream about the things which concern us at the present moment.

Déjà vu is a little unpredictable. Ironic since it's supposed to predict the future. I'm sure practically everyone wants to have déjà vu of the next winning lottery number. Haha. Anyway, déjà vu is unpredictable in the sense that you never know WHEN what you saw in your dream will appear before your eyes in reality. There is the time factor. It could happen tomorrow. It could happen next week, a few months later or a few years down the road. I think one needs to be extremely sensitive (in the sixth sense manner of speaking) to be able to know WHEN that déjà vu is going to become reality.

Dreams on the whole are unpredicatable and incomprehensible. You can never be sure if a dream is indicative of the past or present or future. Anything can happen in a dream. Math can go wrong. Heights go haywire. The world reverses. You can be flying. You wake up running. Or crying. Or shouting. You wake up with a sweet aftertaste. Everything is in disorder yet it is perfectly normal.

Luck

It was Elan who first seeded this topic in my mind. One question always hurt me: Why is it that if we do something we like, go into our passion/interest, we do not get that much recognition/reward/remuneration as compared to something else which we do not feel (so much) for but which rewards you more than your passion? Elan said it's a generalisation. It's actually luck. For example, you may love acting and you go into acting and become famous. If you are not so lucky, you may be acting for years but no one recognises your potential. It's all about luck.

"Just My Luck". Watched it yesterday. Ster and Bei felt that the ending was touching and they felt like crying. Didn't feel anything but felt the music was great. McFly was in that show and I thought their music was cool. Was shaking my legs and rocking my body a little to their music while watching the movie. Even Ster was shaking her legs. If not for the fact that I was sitting down, I'd be like one of the fans in a rock concert. Cool music. Made me feel like going to a rock concert. Simple Plan's a bit depressing although I can relate to their songs. McFly's more upbeat.

Anyway, in "Just My Luck", we saw how the wheel of fortune turned and Ashley Albright (Lindsay Lohan) and Jake Hardin (Chris Pine) switched luck. Jake started out as the unluckiest guy in the world: water on the road splashing onto him when a car passed, pants dropping, dog poop on fingers, being kicked in the balls by a jogger who mistook him for a molester, ending up with the police. Nothing could be worse than that. Then we saw Ashley as the likeable, successful, young exec whose life couldn't be more smooth-sailing and luckier. Ashley didn't believe in luck until she switched luck with Jake afterwhich she went to the gypsy to demand her luck back. Haha. People never believe in something until something else happens.

Luck is subjective. Someone may be destined to be lucky but if he is going to slack and be laid-back, only depending on his luck to get him by, he may not get very far. Maybe not as far as if he'd worked hard and used his luck. On one hand, I believe that you hold your destiny in your hands and you create your own luck. On the other hand, I've been in situations in which I prepared for everything yet the results, when they come, fail me. Everything seemed certain save for the luck factor. Diligence, perseverence, preparedness is one thing. But you can't dismiss this thing called Luck.

Giving

During my last lunch with Ms Ng, a woman in her 30s approached our table and asked us for 2 bucks. At that time, I was shocked at her audacity. Appalling. Ms Ng gave her $2 and the woman left. I stared at Ms Ng, wondering why on earth Ms Ng would give so readily. I wouldn't. Especially as the woman didn't state why she needed that money. There are too much of such kinds of beggars/various kinds of begging/cheating. I didn't think it right that Ms Ng gave that woman money. Little Aunt always advocates working hard and earning a living for yourself. Little Aunt'd say "有手有脚,又不是残废."

Mimi said maybe the woman needed that money. She'd give the woman the money to 打发她走 although she's problems donating to flag day. Haha. Elan said that we shouldn't give to these people because they are cheats. There's good karma when you give to someone who needs help but there's bad karma when you give to them knowing they are cheats. Because after getting money successfully from someone, they'd be incited/encouraged to move on to the next victim. It's like we are edging them on. Elan said that if one needs financial help, there are ways like welfare. I agreed with Elan. Mimi said that there was a case where a man divorced his wife and claimed welfare for himself and his children and conned the government of 250K.

More recently, a friend (Fren) told me that someone she knows who's single and in her 40s told her that she would rather her life passes more quickly. Fren thinks that her friend doesn't have anything to look forward to which is why she feels sorry for her friend. Fren gave an example of this 107-year-old woman who's helping others and living a fulfilled life.

Fren's story made me think that the key to living (a fufilled life) is to give. Not really in monetary form but more of love although giving money (donating) can be an act of love too. When you give out love and you share (yourself) with others, life takes on more meaning.

Giving Up

Thomas Edison once said: "Many of life's failures are people who do not realise how close they are to success when they gave up."

I have given up training. The training which I so love. I've always said one fine day, I'd quit training but I always returned to training after a lapse. I've finally given up training as I've always said I would. Part of the reason is that I know it's not my forte. Sure, I was much better than before. I can be even better, I know. If only I train harder. But one should know his strengths, weaknesses and limitations. I am not an athlete; I do not possess a gifting in sports like Em or her sisters. I look at Nick, SY, Ching and know that they only need to train a little to go very far. For me, I need to work doubly, triply hard to get there.

The last time I went back to training was last Fri-16/6. To visit. I do miss training. The team spirit. The individual competiveness. Sam Sir said it's a waste to give up years of training. I agree. Sam Sir said that he thinks I have yet to reach my niche. Maybe he is right. Afterall, he's been teaching for more than 10 years. What kind of students haven't he seen? I am grateful for his words. At the same time, I am filled with guilt/shame because giving up training is not just me alone. It is also giving up the hope that Sam Sir, John Sir and the rest of the instructors have in me, their effort that they've put in to train me to become who I am today-physically and mentally. 一日为师,终生为父. I do not wish to disappoint them. They are great teachers, the best there can ever be. Sam Sir'd said that it matters not if you are not a fighter. If you can train out good fighters, that's something too. Sam Sir was trying to encourage me. But.

I honestly do not know if I'll become a success in TKD and I shall never know. I have given it up. I HATE failing. To save me from more heartaches, I might as well go into something I'm excellent in. Some things I will give up; others I'll pursue relentlessly. But I did not know that giving up is not an easy task too.

Helplessness

Have you ever felt like screaming but no sound comes out of your mouth? Have you ever wished that you can cry but it is tears that flow from your heart instead? Have you ever felt like obliterating the world in front of you in one fell stroke but realise that you are only swiping/stabbing in a vacuum and you don't know when the void will suffocate you?

I'd said in "Reel And Real Life", "To attain happiness, one needs to make a clean break from the mess that's dragging him or her down. Perhaps it's easier said than done." Indeed it's easier said than done. Some mess you just can't get out of. When the world was formed and you were born, the die was cast and your fate/destiny was signed by the stars. Although fate/destiny can change as like the stars that change their positions, some things, like the Northern Star, are constant. You can never rewrite history eg. your birth date and hour of birth. I'd like to run away from everything, everyone, the world, get away from me but I am cemented at the same spot. I'm chained to a past that mocks, a present that torments, a future of responsibilities and obligations.

I'd said in "Nothing Is Totally Good Or Bad", "Suffering may make a person successful but at a price. The person will become bitter and miserable." and Elan had commented "Sometimes, it's simply not true that suffering is good. It might be a necessary process but if suffering is so positive, why call it suffering?" I've always managed to 化悲愤为力量. But I wonder now if the pain is not being transformed into some kind of twisted strength. Because success is bought with suffering which will result in an embittered person. I would like to grow up in a loving environment instead of achieving success through suffering. Love stimulates and hate drives. Both are powerful forces. I prefer to believe that love is the stronger of the two. Although it may not be so, I believe that one who attains success through love/encouragement as opposed to another who obtains it from suffering will reach a higher level of success. At any rate, at the end of it all, the former would have a more wholesome life emotionally and spiritually unlike the latter who'll end up with bitterness.

KC had said "The mind and the heart think/feel differently." If your mind says "yes" and your heart refuses to listen, you are torn. There's tension when your mind gives a command but your heart turns the other way. To NOT do something because you do not feel like doing but your sense of responsibility/loyalty gives rise to an obligation which you are unwillingly to yet you perform-it is a psychological war. When it comes to someone you love/care for who is blind to (and persists in) his mistake(s), 你是帮敌还是帮亲呢? I am trapped.

I am resigned to a situation I cannot get out of. Love it or hate it, you have to live with it. I'd like to shake my fists at heaven and rant and rave but everything remains unchanged. No one can help (me). Not even me, myself and I. At the same time, I am reminded of Hangman. Bit by bit, little by little, Hangman will die from asphyxia. Unless the game ends before the rope is cut. It is a race against time for me. The dark cloud approaches. The walls are closing in.

Death

I'm coming in touch with death often these days. First, it was Mimi who witnessed the accident where the girl (passenger) in a car had glass bits in her mouth and the boy had an open gash across his throat. The Mercs driver who caused the accident was trapped in his Mercs and the firemen had to saw open his Mercs to get him out. Next, it was KC's mother-in-law whose wake I attended. Then it was Nice's friend who got flung out of the back seat of the car she was in. The driver and the front seat passenger only suffered minor injuries though.

It was Nice's friend's death that made me FEEL the frailty of life. That humans' lives can be snuffed out so easily. Although Mimi'd told me that the accident she witnessed brought that point home to her, I didn't really understand/feel what she said till Nice started talking about her friend. The friend had an illustrious life: chairman of so and so club and great results. Alas, death decided to claim her too soon. What a waste and pity of a promising future!

4th Aunt said: "是她的命" because only she died but the other 2 in the car survived. Was wondering in the case of Mandy's brother's friend where he swam out to save someone and gave up his life in the process, is it also 他的命?

Ster said that precisely because life is so vulnerable, she will not let go of any opportunity. But how many of us are/can really be like Ster? For many, it's a wait for calmer seas before we dare swim out to the sea. And before we know it, the greater waves of death have claimed us and our lives are over. If I die today, I shall regret all the things that I've always wanted to do but haven't found the courage to embrace; I shall regret the times I was mean to the people I love.

Christopher Pike has said in 1 of his books: "Death is not the end. It is only a transformation." Maybe it means that I'll be transformed into a soul from my human form. The essence still lingers then. I don't know. Don't know what I'll be transformed into but I hope it'll make me a better person in my next carnation.

Scent And Smell

I remember Elan saying this to me before when we were still 2 wee giggling lasses: "Every place has a smell." She is right. Every human has a smell too. That's how dogs recognise places and humans.

I remember a certain smell whenever I stepped into Godma's house when I was a kid. Now that I'm grown up, my sense of smell is not so remarkable as it used to be and I've to concentrate to be aware of that smell again when I step into Godma's place. But the smell is still there. When I was in HHP and when I first came to CLL, I remember smelling the different scents of these offices.

When I started working in CLL and sat in with AD for interviews, I'd smell this AD smell. It's not unpleasant. Now, whenever I smell that smell outside, I'd be reminded of the times I sat beside AD for interviews. It brings back a sense of familarity.

Nice scents make me happy. When someone puts on a nice, sweet-smelling perfume, I can go sniffing up/at that person like a dog. I'd like people to associate me with Éclat D'Arpège from Lanvin because out of all the perfumes I tried, I still like Éclat D'Arpège the best.

Bondage

Since ape men appeared, they've learnt to hunt, to tame, to cage beasts. As time passed, they dominated their own kind and enslaved them. Such barbaric acts are now condemned by hopefully, a more civilised modern world. We only "cage" or jail people when they've done wrong. There's also the sado-machism bondage where chains and whips and violence are used for a twisted pleasure.

There's another kind of bondage called emotional bondage. This kind of invisible ropes that bind you are as powerful as any other physical types of bondage.

I've tried to get rid of some ghosts of the past but they haunt me. I wonder if and when I'll be able to sever those damned ties.

I was helpless to the admiration/infatuation I had for Lee Young Ae earlier on. I'd wished that I could get rid of the senseless infatuation because I absolutely hate losing control of myself. But now, I can laugh at myself for succumbing to unrequited love.

Bondage can be voluntary or mandatory. I'm bound to my parents. Bound by obligation. Bound by a sense of filial peity. Bound by a responsibility to take care of them when they are old. Bound (unwillingly) by a calling to please them at the expense of what I stood for.

Although most of the time, bondage is equated to control, it may not be the case all the time. People may suffer under an invader/occupier/oppressive regime but their hearts that yearn for the priceless ideals of freedom and independence will never be captured.

Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) III

How apt that my last entry was about tears! On Sat-3/6, my eyes were swollen and puffy. I'd cried.

Fri-2/6 was my last day at work. I'd started the day smiling and ended it crying. Reminds me of the verse that goes: "When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was laughing. Live your life such that when you leave this world, you're smiling and everyone else is crying." I didn't feel sad in the morning as I hugged KC, didn't feel sad throughout the day. It was only when I was bidding everyone goodbye at the end of the day that a tinge of melancholy crept into my heart.

I had started off my farewell by going to DT to hug her. Told her "我会很想你." She'd said: "我也会想你." As we talked, I felt tears coming to my eyes and managed to blink them away. We talked for a while. Then I left to find Ms C.

Ms C was cute. I told her my heart's going to break. I did not know if my heart was going to break then but I knew I certainly had a heartache when Von left and I was crying on Sun. Ms C asked why (my heart was going to break). I said that CLL holds 1 year of my memories. Ms C said don't say that, if not she'll cry. It's her first job at CLL too and she's been here for 15 years. Ms C had kind words for me and said that I'll be having better prospects in future. Ms C is cute because even though she'd worked at CLL for so long, she wasn't leaving, yet she said she'll cry. Haha.

I moved on to AKN and CP. I was bias towards AKN. On the evening of my last third day, Wed-31/5, Cat passed me a CSL's file for quantification. I took the file in shock because I wasn't confident that I'd be able to finish up that file and pass it back before I leave. By Thur-1/6 noon, when AKN asked me do as many interviews as I can before I leave, I knew that CSL's file was going for a six. I passed back CSL's file and started fixing AKN's interviews for my last day. I told AD as I was making the calls on Thur that "I'm damn bias". AD agreed. Anyway, when I went to see AKN on my last day, AKN said that "it's PR" when we talked about my biasness (towards her). AKN and CP are the better lawyers in CLL. At least they (make the effort to) talk to the staff. CP was nagging at me (in a good way) to "get a guy" in Uni. Haha.

Finally, I went to put my glass in the pail as I prepared to leave. I'd also wanted say goodbye one last time to KC. When I came out of the pantry, I saw that KC's computer was already switched off. She was ready to leave. She saw me and put out her arms. So I went over to hug her. If I could have my way, I won't let go. I thought of what 4th Aunt said about me when I was still 2 or 3 and we were living together at ah1 ma4's. When 4th Aunt had to go to work, I'd cry. Honestly, I cannot remember but there's this image of me when I was a kid, wailing and struggling against ah1 ma4's grip when Mum had to leave for work. Ah1 ma4 had to pull me back or I'd have run to Mum and clung onto her. That was what I thought about as I hugged KC. KC felt like 4th aunt. Since I didn't want to let go, it goes that KC was the first one to pull away. Still, I didn't cry then. Yet, as KC talked, I could feel the heat rushing up my face. Tried to blink them back. Turned away so that I'd lose focus and get rid of those damnned tears. Then I turned back to KC and my first tear fell from my right eye. I'll never forget that moment. Had I not turned back to look at KC, I wouldn't have cried. But I know I either cry then or regret and cry at my grave later. I can't leave without one last look. Sentimentality, yes. But feelings are what make us real, make us human.

KC had told me 2 or 3 weeks ago when I leave not to cry, that holding the tears in my eyes like in the Korean dramas without letting the tears fall would suffice. When KC had told me not to cry when I leave, I'd looked at her and wondered if I was going to cry when the time comes for me to leave. Then, I'd only replied with: "I'll try (not to cry)."

That first tear opened the floodgates. This time, I didn't cry so hard as I did when V left. But I still cried for another day before I was forced to stop. After KC left, I went back to my place tie up some loose ends. Halfway through work, I thought of KC again. As I stared at the computer screen my tears fell. I let them drip onto my jeans. This time, with experience, I was able to force myself to focus on the work in front of me and save the crying for later. When I finally could leave, I took one last walk round the office. I don't know why but as I passed by KC's place, I paused and it brought tears to my eyes. KC was gone. It was just an empty place. Yet as I stood in front of her place as I'd done so countless times before, that PLACE made me cry. I don't know why a PLACE can make me cry. Maybe because I know that I'd never stand at her place and talk to her the way I used to again.

On the bus ride home after dinner, I'd put down my head to rest and when I thought of KC, tears rolled down my face. I was lucky that the guy sitting opposite me was sleeping himself.

That night, as like the night Von left me, I cried myself to sleep. Non-stop crying was no longer a stranger to me. Yet, it was strange that KC'd made me cry. Unexpected. AD'd said: "I guess you must really like her." Like or love, whatever demon it is, until I cried, I didn't realise how much KC meant to me. When I woke up on Sat, I thought of KC. Lying there in bed, I cried as I buried my face in the pillow. Silent tears.

I'd saved KC's card to read when I was home. Didn't want to read on the bus because I knew I could very well cry on the bus. When I finally read the card, true to predictions, I cried. So I cried for the whole of Sat. Crying is VERY tiring. During one of the times that I was crying, I finally understood why I was crying. I didn't the previous times that I kept crying. All I knew was that tears were falling from my eyes and I didn't know why. It finally dawned on me that I was touched. Such a simple yet profound truth. KC still makes me miss her even though it's been a few days since I left (her). I didn't miss Von for so many days. Maybe because I was busy when Von left then. Or maybe because I've spent a half more year with KC.

I realise that when people have to leave/part whether for another place or when they die, they almost ALWAYS try to make amends and leave on a good note. It is ridiculously funny that they don't appreciate each other and try to mend those relationships before parting. Why wait till parting to be nice to each other? Isn't it better to kiss and make up after a quarrel/disagreement and then have an amiable relationship from then until parting instead of making up only at parting and leaving with a lukewarm relationship?

My feelings with DT go deeper, like that of a mother, like how I'd feel towards Mum. I wouldn't appreciate Mum/show my feelings openly now; but when she dies, I'll cry my bloody heart out. With AD, it's more of a mentor, more of love and respect. With KC and Von, they are more like my aunties. There's love/like and more sentiment with relatives. It's funny how you'd show yourself openly to your relatives and friends yet you hide the deeper feelings that you have for your family.