Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) III

How apt that my last entry was about tears! On Sat-3/6, my eyes were swollen and puffy. I'd cried.

Fri-2/6 was my last day at work. I'd started the day smiling and ended it crying. Reminds me of the verse that goes: "When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was laughing. Live your life such that when you leave this world, you're smiling and everyone else is crying." I didn't feel sad in the morning as I hugged KC, didn't feel sad throughout the day. It was only when I was bidding everyone goodbye at the end of the day that a tinge of melancholy crept into my heart.

I had started off my farewell by going to DT to hug her. Told her "我会很想你." She'd said: "我也会想你." As we talked, I felt tears coming to my eyes and managed to blink them away. We talked for a while. Then I left to find Ms C.

Ms C was cute. I told her my heart's going to break. I did not know if my heart was going to break then but I knew I certainly had a heartache when Von left and I was crying on Sun. Ms C asked why (my heart was going to break). I said that CLL holds 1 year of my memories. Ms C said don't say that, if not she'll cry. It's her first job at CLL too and she's been here for 15 years. Ms C had kind words for me and said that I'll be having better prospects in future. Ms C is cute because even though she'd worked at CLL for so long, she wasn't leaving, yet she said she'll cry. Haha.

I moved on to AKN and CP. I was bias towards AKN. On the evening of my last third day, Wed-31/5, Cat passed me a CSL's file for quantification. I took the file in shock because I wasn't confident that I'd be able to finish up that file and pass it back before I leave. By Thur-1/6 noon, when AKN asked me do as many interviews as I can before I leave, I knew that CSL's file was going for a six. I passed back CSL's file and started fixing AKN's interviews for my last day. I told AD as I was making the calls on Thur that "I'm damn bias". AD agreed. Anyway, when I went to see AKN on my last day, AKN said that "it's PR" when we talked about my biasness (towards her). AKN and CP are the better lawyers in CLL. At least they (make the effort to) talk to the staff. CP was nagging at me (in a good way) to "get a guy" in Uni. Haha.

Finally, I went to put my glass in the pail as I prepared to leave. I'd also wanted say goodbye one last time to KC. When I came out of the pantry, I saw that KC's computer was already switched off. She was ready to leave. She saw me and put out her arms. So I went over to hug her. If I could have my way, I won't let go. I thought of what 4th Aunt said about me when I was still 2 or 3 and we were living together at ah1 ma4's. When 4th Aunt had to go to work, I'd cry. Honestly, I cannot remember but there's this image of me when I was a kid, wailing and struggling against ah1 ma4's grip when Mum had to leave for work. Ah1 ma4 had to pull me back or I'd have run to Mum and clung onto her. That was what I thought about as I hugged KC. KC felt like 4th aunt. Since I didn't want to let go, it goes that KC was the first one to pull away. Still, I didn't cry then. Yet, as KC talked, I could feel the heat rushing up my face. Tried to blink them back. Turned away so that I'd lose focus and get rid of those damnned tears. Then I turned back to KC and my first tear fell from my right eye. I'll never forget that moment. Had I not turned back to look at KC, I wouldn't have cried. But I know I either cry then or regret and cry at my grave later. I can't leave without one last look. Sentimentality, yes. But feelings are what make us real, make us human.

KC had told me 2 or 3 weeks ago when I leave not to cry, that holding the tears in my eyes like in the Korean dramas without letting the tears fall would suffice. When KC had told me not to cry when I leave, I'd looked at her and wondered if I was going to cry when the time comes for me to leave. Then, I'd only replied with: "I'll try (not to cry)."

That first tear opened the floodgates. This time, I didn't cry so hard as I did when V left. But I still cried for another day before I was forced to stop. After KC left, I went back to my place tie up some loose ends. Halfway through work, I thought of KC again. As I stared at the computer screen my tears fell. I let them drip onto my jeans. This time, with experience, I was able to force myself to focus on the work in front of me and save the crying for later. When I finally could leave, I took one last walk round the office. I don't know why but as I passed by KC's place, I paused and it brought tears to my eyes. KC was gone. It was just an empty place. Yet as I stood in front of her place as I'd done so countless times before, that PLACE made me cry. I don't know why a PLACE can make me cry. Maybe because I know that I'd never stand at her place and talk to her the way I used to again.

On the bus ride home after dinner, I'd put down my head to rest and when I thought of KC, tears rolled down my face. I was lucky that the guy sitting opposite me was sleeping himself.

That night, as like the night Von left me, I cried myself to sleep. Non-stop crying was no longer a stranger to me. Yet, it was strange that KC'd made me cry. Unexpected. AD'd said: "I guess you must really like her." Like or love, whatever demon it is, until I cried, I didn't realise how much KC meant to me. When I woke up on Sat, I thought of KC. Lying there in bed, I cried as I buried my face in the pillow. Silent tears.

I'd saved KC's card to read when I was home. Didn't want to read on the bus because I knew I could very well cry on the bus. When I finally read the card, true to predictions, I cried. So I cried for the whole of Sat. Crying is VERY tiring. During one of the times that I was crying, I finally understood why I was crying. I didn't the previous times that I kept crying. All I knew was that tears were falling from my eyes and I didn't know why. It finally dawned on me that I was touched. Such a simple yet profound truth. KC still makes me miss her even though it's been a few days since I left (her). I didn't miss Von for so many days. Maybe because I was busy when Von left then. Or maybe because I've spent a half more year with KC.

I realise that when people have to leave/part whether for another place or when they die, they almost ALWAYS try to make amends and leave on a good note. It is ridiculously funny that they don't appreciate each other and try to mend those relationships before parting. Why wait till parting to be nice to each other? Isn't it better to kiss and make up after a quarrel/disagreement and then have an amiable relationship from then until parting instead of making up only at parting and leaving with a lukewarm relationship?

My feelings with DT go deeper, like that of a mother, like how I'd feel towards Mum. I wouldn't appreciate Mum/show my feelings openly now; but when she dies, I'll cry my bloody heart out. With AD, it's more of a mentor, more of love and respect. With KC and Von, they are more like my aunties. There's love/like and more sentiment with relatives. It's funny how you'd show yourself openly to your relatives and friends yet you hide the deeper feelings that you have for your family.