Helplessness

Have you ever felt like screaming but no sound comes out of your mouth? Have you ever wished that you can cry but it is tears that flow from your heart instead? Have you ever felt like obliterating the world in front of you in one fell stroke but realise that you are only swiping/stabbing in a vacuum and you don't know when the void will suffocate you?

I'd said in "Reel And Real Life", "To attain happiness, one needs to make a clean break from the mess that's dragging him or her down. Perhaps it's easier said than done." Indeed it's easier said than done. Some mess you just can't get out of. When the world was formed and you were born, the die was cast and your fate/destiny was signed by the stars. Although fate/destiny can change as like the stars that change their positions, some things, like the Northern Star, are constant. You can never rewrite history eg. your birth date and hour of birth. I'd like to run away from everything, everyone, the world, get away from me but I am cemented at the same spot. I'm chained to a past that mocks, a present that torments, a future of responsibilities and obligations.

I'd said in "Nothing Is Totally Good Or Bad", "Suffering may make a person successful but at a price. The person will become bitter and miserable." and Elan had commented "Sometimes, it's simply not true that suffering is good. It might be a necessary process but if suffering is so positive, why call it suffering?" I've always managed to 化悲愤为力量. But I wonder now if the pain is not being transformed into some kind of twisted strength. Because success is bought with suffering which will result in an embittered person. I would like to grow up in a loving environment instead of achieving success through suffering. Love stimulates and hate drives. Both are powerful forces. I prefer to believe that love is the stronger of the two. Although it may not be so, I believe that one who attains success through love/encouragement as opposed to another who obtains it from suffering will reach a higher level of success. At any rate, at the end of it all, the former would have a more wholesome life emotionally and spiritually unlike the latter who'll end up with bitterness.

KC had said "The mind and the heart think/feel differently." If your mind says "yes" and your heart refuses to listen, you are torn. There's tension when your mind gives a command but your heart turns the other way. To NOT do something because you do not feel like doing but your sense of responsibility/loyalty gives rise to an obligation which you are unwillingly to yet you perform-it is a psychological war. When it comes to someone you love/care for who is blind to (and persists in) his mistake(s), 你是帮敌还是帮亲呢? I am trapped.

I am resigned to a situation I cannot get out of. Love it or hate it, you have to live with it. I'd like to shake my fists at heaven and rant and rave but everything remains unchanged. No one can help (me). Not even me, myself and I. At the same time, I am reminded of Hangman. Bit by bit, little by little, Hangman will die from asphyxia. Unless the game ends before the rope is cut. It is a race against time for me. The dark cloud approaches. The walls are closing in.