Education IV

A few people have told me that I need a break. I tried slowing down. Wanted to give up those "A"s for something lesser, maybe "C"s instead. Since I couldn't stop, I slowed down for a few days. I only wanted to take a slower pace but I'm deprived of even that choice. I have no choice but to keep on running after slowing down for a few days. I just need 1-2 weeks of PURE GOLD HOLIDAYS to recharge before I can charge ahead at full steam again. Was already three-quarters burnt out by mid-term. Now that mid-term is over, I didn't have my mid-term break, and I can't even slow down although I want to and I'm forced to continue charging, I'm bitten by the "give-up" virus again. It was Elan who was attacked by that deadly virus earlier on. Fatalism is a fatalistic bug.

Elan said I should focus on one thing at a time. I suddenly feel overwhelmed by school(work) again and I can feel the stress rising up to my chest again. I probably will start becoming short-tempered again. The level of stress is so bad it's unhealthy! I feel like crying, I feel like throwing up, I want to run away but I am rooted at the same spot and I've to keep on running. I want to throw up.

I'm sleeping few hours everyday. I'm changing my sleeping pattern and sleeping earlier so I can wake up earlier to study instead of studying late into the night. Very soon, I'll be waking up at 4am to study before I go to school. I don't know what kind of a life I'm living now. It doesn't seem alright. Doesn't seem normal.

Luckily I'm doing something I have interest in. (And I'm already feeling fatalistic.) Elan said that if I were doing Engineering, I'd probably have quit school by now. She is right. I'm (so) sick of the term I just want it to end.

I just want to have a good long rest. I just want to crash out and burn.

I am becoming a moaner.

Education III

I am so unhappy that now, my schedule is even tighter than before and I have lesser personal time. I wonder if I am willing to give up the so-called "success" defined not by me but by society for a slower pace of life. This is a familiar question I've asked myself before. I think I'll be happier to settle for something lesser than to keep on going and burning myself out. I want to do the things I like, take things at MY pace, not at others' pace. MY pace may not necessarily be slower than what I'm forced to stomach. Sometimes, it's slow; sometimes fast. MY pace is more like the "Interval" training program on the treadmill. When I am tired, I slow down. When I catch my breath, I'll catch up. Right now, there's no time/room for slowing down. I am so unhappy that I have to keep on running without slowing down for a bit. I can't enjoy what I'm studying at all even though I have the interest. I'm so unhappy that I'm studying for the sake of studying now and I can't enjoy what I'm studying.

It's by no thanks to LTB/CSP that I'm feeling so tired/drained now that my energy level for the rest of the race has plunged. I try to do what I can with whatever energy I have left now but I know it's not quality work anymore.

These days, I notice something odd about myself. When things become too much for me to take, my mind starts to shut down. When that happens, I don't do anything at all which one will not expect coming from me. When I look back, I feel that the person who exhibited that behaviour is NOT the normal me. It feels like another person altogether. It's not as though I consciously refuse to do work. It feels more like my mind shutting down completely and something else is taking over me. It's psychology, I know. That the mind shuts down and allows me to hide away.

How much more can I take? How many more times is my mind going to shut down before I break? If I'm going to break, that is. I think I'll feel extreme relief when everything is over.

Everclear's "Wonderful" has this part: "Close my eyes when I go to bed/And I dream of angels who make me smile/I feel better when I hear them say/Everything will be wonderful someday". I just want to hide away in my guardian angel, hide away from this (cruel) world.

Education II

I'd said in "Education": "It is time to stretch and grow." Indeed, I am stretching my waking hours and growing my eyebags. I've become fatalistic because of Uni.

We have all got sick of LTB/CSP. SaNi and Christi left at 6pm as they said they would after Lolipop Gal left. Lolipop Gal was driving us (crazy). From the time she walked in (with her black face), we started doing work. Really. Clarenz felt he couldn't breathe and felt the feeling of 脑冲血 even though he looked pale. Think he looks pale these days because he doesn't sleep enough. Mel was quiet but when Lolipop Gal left, gone was her cultured disposition. Old Lee switched off Lolipop Gal's channel totally. I had to leave behind someone dear. And then my heart started pounding from the pressure until I reached home and drank some wine to calm the pounding heart. The pounding continued but this time from the wine I drank. If I do get a heart attack, it'll be from LTB. My heart was pounding from the pressure for a continuous few hours. Mel and Old Lee had gone off to get drunk after they left.

More "F**K"s were heard in the past 1 week than at any time. Old Lee has stated his stand clearly. He's not going to compromise his other modules for LTB anymore. Same for me. Old Lee's Stats has suffered. He'd a Stats test on last Sat-7/10 and all the crap started on last Fri-6/10. Poor Old Lee. Plus he had no time to prepare for his PS project at all and it's not fair to his partner. Same for me. LTB has taken up too much time. People are sick of LTB-you can see it from their attitude. Screw Agenda and Minutes. Screw CSP. Screw LTB.

When I got home, I drank wine while watching a local production. I've NOT watched a local production for AGES since most of them are not appealing. After that, I did something else I enjoy doing. Then I went to drink some more. THAT, is not me. When I think back on the recent happenings, I do not see the person who didn't do ANYTHING after getting home as ME. It feels like another person. This is psychology, I know. The mind has shut down and can't execute the normal, daily behaviour of the person. I can't believe Uni has made me reach the stage where my mind has shut down. What's next? Insanity seems to be on the tables.

What's the lesson learnt? The last straw that breaks the camel's back. There's only so much someone can take. The rest of the team are half-hearted with LTB now and are unwilling to sacrifice any more sleep, personal time and other modules for just LTB. My mind had shut down. If I'm pushed any further, maybe I'll get a heart attack or go insane.

In TKD, we were pushed to and over the limit. And we grew from the experience. But why do I feel that for studies, if the stress gets too much, a heart attack and insanity seem to be in the cards? I will still continue to take in the stress but I seriously have no idea what my threshold is, which the last straw is. If I finally cave in, it'll be a rude awakening to all around me. I'm becoming fatalistic because of Uni.

Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) IV

It is only when we realise that someone we love is going to leave us that we feel fear, apprehension, pain, sorrow etc.

If I fall in love with someone, afterwhich this person has to leave me behind, I'll blame him/her. "It's all your bloody fault for making me fall in love with you! For making me want to rely on you so much. What am I going to do when you're not around? It's all your bloody fault. Yes, you and you and you. It's all your fault."

The tears that fall then, are a mixture of sorrow at loss and happiness at the times spent. Is it good to know when your time in this world is done? I think not. You scare yourself unnecessarily and the ones around you. I don't know which is better: To know when you are going to die so you can better plan the rest of your days and live life to the fullest. Or to NOT know when your doomsday is and live out the last day without the cloud of fear and worry of the approaching death hanging over you. You decide.

Until we feel that we are truly going to lose someone we love do we realise what we've been taking for granted. But God, I did NOT take things for granted once I realised how precious they mean to me! I do not think the Higher Powers That Be will entertain any bargaining. But if they can attend to my request, I'll be thanking my lucky stars a thousand times over until they burn out. The more I feel that I'm going to lose someone I love, the more I want to hold on. Kamisama, Mou Sukoshi Dake! [God, Please Give Me More Time!]

So it's unfair of you to step into my life then leave me behind, unfair for the Supreme Being to take away people I love even though I DON'T take them for granted, unfair for God to let us meet by what he calls Fate and to tear us apart by what he calls Destiny.

Education

Elan was attacked by the give-up virus again. Elan said: "The reason why I am feeling so stressed over school is because I don't enjoy studying. So I must find a way to enjoy it. I can't vouch for not feeling panic once more. But right now what I think is, I must make it a natural rather than a forced act. For me studying now is a forced act. Like I'm born to do it. So that I won't feel the stress."

I cannot say I am much better than Elan for I have been suffering from sleep deprivation. Every time I open my mouth, I talk about sleep and I sound like a broken recorder. Sleep is such a luxury. It is a truth I've subscribed to since my Sec school days.

I was so sick of school earlier that I just wanted to get out of school. The feeling of running away is what is familiar to Elan and I. Thank God I had somewhere to run to. Thank God for small favours.

About the "give-up virus", I have also been afflicted by it albeit in a minor way. I have given up on the Soc Sci forums. They have just gone plain crazy. Period.

There's also the lack of time in Uni. I do not seem to have enough time to do the things I want now. I wish I've more time to spend on things I want to do (or sleep more) but I can't help but say that Uni is sucking the living daylights out of all of us. I always feel tired, either mildly or more. Can't believe it whenever my alarm clock rings. It is without fail that I take 10 minutes to roll out of bed after the alarm rings. Kamisama, Mou Sukoshi Dake! [God, Please Give Me More Time!] Wanted to study after lunch yesterday-30/9 but I came into the room and plonked right onto my bed and slept for 3h straight. I must really be tired. I seldom, if ever, sleep 3h for a nap.

I have got sick of school. I am so tired of, from, because of school that I look forward towards Friday every week. Initially, I only started asking "When is the weekend coming" from every Wednesday. Now, I ask that question from Tuesday, when the week has only started. Oh god! I need to get a life. I'll be thanking my lucky stars and all the gods and a couple of lesser known deities at the end of this 4 years if and when I manage to survive it.

Why has the education degenerated to this? Education should be fun and fufilling, enriching one's life. Instead, it has turned into a demon with effective slave-driving tools.

What is education really? Is the Uni degree just a piece of paper which will help me get a good job after this 4 years? Or is there something more to this piece of paper? As I looked at the students mugging away on Wed-28/9 morning on the benches, I asked myself how many of them have thought about what education means to them. What they want to achieve in this 4 years. What they want to achieve out of life. Many of us are so busy focusing on what needs to be done now that we lose sight of what's further (and greater). This piece of paper cannot and should not be just a piece of paper that provides job security. This piece of paper cannot and should not be a means to an end or an end itself. Rather, it should be the means to another means.

I re-evaluated what this 4 years of Uni life will mean to me and know that there has to be something more to education that that piece of paper. I'll be shortchanging myself if I don't get anything out of this 4 years other than a piece of paper. It is time to stretch and grow. To learn as much as I can. To get more than knowledge-life skills which I can carry with me for life.