Education III

I am so unhappy that now, my schedule is even tighter than before and I have lesser personal time. I wonder if I am willing to give up the so-called "success" defined not by me but by society for a slower pace of life. This is a familiar question I've asked myself before. I think I'll be happier to settle for something lesser than to keep on going and burning myself out. I want to do the things I like, take things at MY pace, not at others' pace. MY pace may not necessarily be slower than what I'm forced to stomach. Sometimes, it's slow; sometimes fast. MY pace is more like the "Interval" training program on the treadmill. When I am tired, I slow down. When I catch my breath, I'll catch up. Right now, there's no time/room for slowing down. I am so unhappy that I have to keep on running without slowing down for a bit. I can't enjoy what I'm studying at all even though I have the interest. I'm so unhappy that I'm studying for the sake of studying now and I can't enjoy what I'm studying.

It's by no thanks to LTB/CSP that I'm feeling so tired/drained now that my energy level for the rest of the race has plunged. I try to do what I can with whatever energy I have left now but I know it's not quality work anymore.

These days, I notice something odd about myself. When things become too much for me to take, my mind starts to shut down. When that happens, I don't do anything at all which one will not expect coming from me. When I look back, I feel that the person who exhibited that behaviour is NOT the normal me. It feels like another person altogether. It's not as though I consciously refuse to do work. It feels more like my mind shutting down completely and something else is taking over me. It's psychology, I know. That the mind shuts down and allows me to hide away.

How much more can I take? How many more times is my mind going to shut down before I break? If I'm going to break, that is. I think I'll feel extreme relief when everything is over.

Everclear's "Wonderful" has this part: "Close my eyes when I go to bed/And I dream of angels who make me smile/I feel better when I hear them say/Everything will be wonderful someday". I just want to hide away in my guardian angel, hide away from this (cruel) world.