Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) V

I'd said in "Heartache/Heartbreak", "I'm sorry I had to leave behind 一些值得珍惜，值得想念，值得疼的东西。" And so, I went back to see X and Sweet again. Sweet was stunned for a while when he saw me. As for X, she felt I'd never left her. But now, here I am again, in sunny little Singapore and there is X-so far away from me, I feel. X feels likewise. I wish I've more time with X, that my time is not so limited. 真是"人在江湖身不由己". I wish I can see X again soon.

This time, X only cried when she thought of my leaving. When it was finally time to say goodbye, we didn't cry. I'd told X not to cry when I leave this time. She managed to do it. We both did it. There are times of course, when we were tearful at parting but this time, we handled it better. Sure, we'd miss each other's company and warmth now since we were each other's shadow for this brief blip in time. Where am I going to buy another pair of hands that'll warm my hands in the cold of the winter's chill? X'd better find me a solution.

I told X to forget me when I leave. She stubborn refuses (and got angry at me). 既知相思苦,何必苦相思? Missing someone is hard. I wish life is simpler and it's easier to see X. "So it's cruel of God to let us meet by what he calls Fate and to tear us apart by what he calls Destiny."

Test

Testing, testing, one, two, three.

There are various kinds and forms of tests. The above is a typical mike test. In education, we have the all-too-familiar writing and verbal tests to see our standard. Then there are physical tests for some to see if they can outrun the robbers who have just robbed them. In life, hardships are a test to both yourself and the ones around you. It is the last kind of test which I am contemplating about.

I have been and am constantly tested. Life itself is a test. To see how much a person can take before he breaks. To see how the weak become strong and the strong become weak. There is no point lamenting about the test(s) because this is your life and you alone have to face the test. No one else can overcome your test for you.

Hardships make good tests. Not only of myself, of my ability to overcome problems, of my determination and willpower, but also of the people are around me. You suddenly realize that in times of need, the people who seem to care actually don't. And the people who have always been in the background are the ones who will lend you support at this time. The gods test me and give me a chance to test others. I am tested for my willpower to endure difficult times; I test others for their steadfastness to stick with me in the difficult times. Tests are a perfect way to build trust, gain trust and also, break trust. The cloud of fog that makes you short-sighted in your judgment of others clear and you begin to see the world with clarity.

I do not recommend testing the people around you unless you can take the harsh reality in the event the test results turn out to be unfavourable. Painful as it is, I still test because I am Seeker. At the expense of being hurt by the truth because of expectations, I seek to know the truth. Only the truth is flawless. The rest is tainted.

My test disappointed me. I'd gone ahead with the test knowing there was a possibility my test could turn out bad results. I wanted to test because only by testing do you know who is true to you. Only by testing do you know who you can rely on in future without having to waste any more time thinking that you can rely on someone when that person is too weak to support you.

Mine was a conscious/purposeful test. Half the time, you don't have to conduct the test on purpose because the results will still be the same. The truth doesn't lie. Consciously/unconsciously/sub-consciously, you realize that the (purposeful or not) test results are the same: Who is there right now who wasn't there in the past won't be there for you in the future; who is there right now who wasn't there in the past can be there for you in the future; who is there right now who was there in the past won't be there for you in the future; who is there right now who was there in the past will also be there in the future.

When the next test comes, I will be there for you. When future tests come, will you be there for me?

风凉话

It's so easy to walk the talk when you are the one talking the talk and setting the boundaries of the talk. When I got into UMS, I said "I don't think it's that difficult to get into Uni afterall". Ecarg's Mum said "你当然讲风凉话啦!你没有想到其他学生进不了嘛!" That put me in my place. In my joy at being admitted into Uni, I'd grown big-headed. I'd forgotten about the other 8 students who were rejected because I got in. I realized that Ecarg's Mum was right: 我在讲风凉话.

So when someone told me that he could work hard and enjoy life at the same time, it got me thinking. 他也在讲风凉话. He is just lucky to be in the industry that suits him and be in a high position. Think about it: Were he the lowest lifeform in the food chain (in the working industry), would he still be saying the same? I hardly think so. If anything, he would be slogging his life off and probably lamenting that he can't enjoy life. I wonder if he'll ever realize the position of the poor/struggling lower-class, and appreciate the rich-poor divide. I wonder if one day, he'll know that 他只是在讲风凉话. I really do wonder.

Many times, 我们也在讲风凉话, only we didn't realize. Humans are myopic, viewing things only from their own perspectives. That is ignorance. We talk about others using our own context. For example, "If I am living in such and such a way, I don't see why others can't". We do not see that because others have their own limitations which we do not, they are unable to live like us. We take others-with their limitations-and put them-with their limitations-in our world free from those limitations AND judge them based on the rules in our world. That, is myopic.

To see things from others' perspectives, combine them with your own perspectives to form a total understanding of the situation AND THEN judge based on the rules/restrictions in THEIR world, THAT, is a mark of wisdom, probably only a baby-step towards wisdom.

Giving Up III

I have never seen myself as someone who gives up easily. I am a quietly determined person. Quietly determined to get what I want no matter what it takes, how it takes. Quietly determined and stubborn to pursue what I want relentlessly.

This term, I've been tormented by CAT. Someone said this: "School is like a lollipop. It sucks until it's gone." I cannot agree more with this. School-the birth and nesting ground for knowledge has become nothing more than a bad task master at times, driving us to meet deadlines AND cope with whatever modules it forces down our throat. At least UMS is like that.

I have been moaning about CAT since the time I started class. Prof admitted himself that this is not an easy module and right from the beginning, he warned us against taking up too many modules and overloading ourselves because CAT'd require us to fork out a lot of time. Logic is sometimes illogical. I got so sick of CAT that I was finally counting down to the time when lesson would be over. CAT was THAT bad. It got to a point when I became numbed and couldn't care less about CAT anymore. Even when I was failing my assignment. Even when I knew I'd fail my test. I gave up.

I'd said in "Giving Up", "But I did not know that giving up is not an easy task too." It seemed ages since I blogged that entry. To give up something precious, something which you hold dear, something else must come in place to replace the emptiness. Otherwise, it would be a seemingly futile attempt. I've given up TKD, the training which I so love. In its place, I'd put in perhaps something worthy for now. Eventually, I'll have to give this up too. If I give this up now, my life'd be void and empty. That, would be a cruelty I'd be doing to myself-ripping my own world apart now.

Sometimes, even though giving up is not an easy task, it may be the best alternative in a particular situation, painful as it is. Isn't it foolish to give up something which you've worked so hard for? Is it? I do not know how to give up. I can't give up. I don't want to give up. How does one give up so-and-so or such-and-such when it's become so entwined and so much a part of his life? If I could give up, I'd have done so long ago, before it merged into my living, my being, my life.

Loving More Than Loved II

In "Loving More Than Loved", I talked about Numero Uno. I'd also mentioned what Elan said in the same entry-"like what Elan said, 'there's always someone else in front, something else more important, something or somebody that they are more willing to give to'."

Consciously, I never thought of being first. On a subconscious level, I might have. I was never first in class. I'd aimed to be one of the best academically but I was beaten by Yusof. I comforted myself by saying maybe it's not so bad to lose to him because at least I didn't lose myself in the process of trying to be first. The only academics whom I know who are first are X and Yod. In some sense, I was also first-in my own way, I was the first "scholar" in the family to do relatively well in school to get into Uni. But I'd thought that at the end of the day, it was pointless being first because that glory dissipates after a while, that happiness is not long-lasting.

In "Every Second Counts", Lance Armstrong said "When I had a Porsche, before the birth of my kids, College was always begging me to ease off the accelerator. I'd roar down the freeways, while he flinched in the passenger seat, white-knuckled and cussing in anger. "Son of a bitch!" he'd scream, "Slow down!" I'd just die laughing...In the old days I'd descend so fast, sometimes I'd catch cars. Now I don't need to, I just get down the mountain, because the fact that I have a family is in the back of my mind. You can't win a race on a descent, but you can lose one, and you can lose your life, too. I don't want to lose my life, all I have, on a mountainside."

To Lance Armstrong, before he got married, a life of action was Number One in his life; after he had his own family, his Number One priority was his family. That, in turn governed his actions accordingly. When he'd cancer, living was Number One. Everything in life took second place in the face of death.

When I thought about death not too long ago, the Number One thing I'd in mind was to feel liberated then. When I felt sick and broke out in cold sweat just now, I thought of Number One. Number One was in outer space, oblivious to what I was going through. I was obviously not Number One's One. I thought back to the time when I threw up half of my guts and saw black and felt like dying. I'd thought of my Number One then. I realized how right Elan was about there being only ONE one at any time. To quote from Elan again, "if you're not the Best then you're not it." In the face of death, everything else either loses its meaning or enhances its meaning. You are suddenly illuminated by the white light of God. If you put Number One and Four/Six together, and both are dying, unless you are Number One, you'll never be thought of. Because only Number One will get the attention, only Number One will be thought of. Everything else comes either later or even worse, last. Even Number Two comes after Number One is okay. I resolved NEVER to think of Number One again in the face of death. Unless I am that Number One.

I wish Elan is around to analyse this for me. Elan always has an explanation for this kind of things. But Elan is probably enjoying her sights in Kyoto right now.

Deserving, Undeserved, Well-deserved

Back in China, when I was having nice and fanciful meals ever so often, the label given to me was “腐败”。I was enjoying life then, the only kind of life that I may be enjoying in a lifetime so I thought I might as well enjoy while I could. I knew I was “腐败” then but I thought what the heck. 今朝有酒今朝醉。

Dinner today was from some restaurant. I do not mind having nice and fanciful meals once in a while but when I recall what Ecarg said to me earlier, that she has not eaten for 2 days because of work, because she's busy, because she has no time/does not make time for eating instead of work, my contention with eating nice and fanciful meals ever so often reminded me of the phrase “腐败” again. You may have suffered before so it's time for you to enjoy now. I have but to wonder if "enjoy/enjoyment" is also “腐败”. You think it's well-deserved enjoyment; I think about those like Ecarg who are also deserving but undeserved perhaps. There are others who may think that your well-deserved enjoyment is undeserved.

Someone told me "The resources on earth are limited. So whilst you are enjoying yourself, someone somewhere is suffering for your enjoyment". You may say "So when someone else is enjoying, I was suffering for that person. So now I deserve what I have." So since the earth's resources are limited and you are enjoying, have you thought about those who are suffering? Are you sharing your enjoyment with them? Because 80% of the wealth on earth belongs to only 20% of the people on earth. So if you have plentiful resources now, have you spared a thought for the rest of the 80% who are suffering?

How does the gods, much less humans, decide who is the deserving, undeserved, well-deserved? Is well-deserved enjoyment “腐败”? How do we define deserving, undeserved, well-deserved? The lines are blurred.

Perhaps I have a bone to pick with the undeserved/well-deserved who have over-deserved because the deserving have been deprived of their chance at this world. I got upset because life itself is never fair.

The Irony Of Opposites

There is no love without hate, no good without evil, no strength without weaknesses. One cannot exist without the other. This is the irony of opposites.

It is because of the limited time that I have that I cherish the time I do have (more). It is because of my limitations that I do not mind taking a little suffering, a little more pain, a little more hardship which I would've complained in other (normal) circumstances. I don't like the limitations but because of their presence, I begin to appreciate things which I would otherwise have taken for granted.

Isn't life ironic?

Loving More Than Loved

This is related to Elan's blog entry of "Number One". In fact, I was thinking about this issue the very week that she made an entry on this topic. Numero Uno. Number One. What does it mean?

The connotation would be that someone is the first. Yes, it means being Number One, being in the first place, taking top priority, no matter what the situation or position is-that person will always be Number One.

Elan ranted "This is not the first time people say no, its not possible, I'm sorry or just taper off silently. But I'm tired of getting disappointed. I have no idea what's wrong but there's always someone else in front, something else more important, something or somebody that they are more willing to give to. Humans have limited resources and time to give to the many people around them. So things like ranking 4th, 5th or 6th, which by rights shouldn't matter altogether becomes more important because every passing moment you can only chose One, and if you're 4th or 6th, you're never gonna be chosen. Maybe they will say, next time, but next time, there will again be only One place and if you're not the Best then you're not it."

I agree that humans have limited resources and time and everyone has his/her priorities. I know 为了亲情,友情和爱情, I can sacrifice a lot. I can even sacrifice my life if need be. I accept that not everyone is like me, able/willing to sacrifice their life. Not even people whom you've known for a long time or whom you've forged deep relationships with. I do not ask that they sacrifice their life for me. However, the fact that I am ranked "4th or 6th" starts bugging me in the face of rejection because like what Elan said, "there's always someone else in front, something else more important, something or somebody that they are more willing to give to." You may be my Number One but you may not treat me likewise. I start wondering if I'm shortchanging myself, if I'm a fool for loving more than I am being loved. I start looking at my relationships and I realize that in few instances do I actually receive more love than I give in those relationships. Should I continue to love in those relationships in which I give more than I receive? Or should I switch to focusing my energies on those relationships in which I receive more love than I give? Since I only have this amount of resources and time and I cannot possibly split myself into a million pieces and spend time and effort with EVERYONE. Love's equation seems to be likened to a cost-benefit analysis.

Elan's "You can have quite a few people caring about you but nobody caring enough. You can't say that you're cast of by the world, that nobody gives a damn about you and wallow in self pity because, when push comes to the shove, people care, people crowd around to help and yes, they make you feel better. They make you feel wanted and cared for. But I wish it wasn't always only when I'm in trouble/illness, because I want to live my life free of troubles/illness."

It is true that even though you are "4th or 6th", people will still show you concern, albeit not as much as you would love to receive. I know if anything untoward happens to me, it is a given that the people who rank me One will be more devastated than the ones to whom I am "4th or 6th". And so, it naturally follows that the ones to whom you are One will feel the loss deeper than the rest. I wish I didn't have to think bad things about myself when I think about the people who love me but like Elan, I've realized that it's only when bad things happen do people really show you they care. Everyone just takes everyone else for granted. And yes, there is nobody caring enough save those to whom you are One.

Education V

I can feel it again. The rising of stress. The anxiety my heart feels. That impatience. Somehow, the first term of Year 2 feels like the first term of Year 1. Maybe it's the "first term of the school year" feeling. Maybe it's the weather that reminds me of this time lsat year. Maybe it's the difficulty of the schoolwork which I'm facing that gives rise to this feeling.

This time, when I return to school, minor changes have taken place. I've changed and so have the things around me. I no longer follow the same old habits of the past. I do not eat proper lunches as I used to so often. In fact, I don't eat and exercise so regularly as I used to in the past year. My head creaks when I turn it sideways. A sign of old age? Or just an indication of the stress/work that I'm facing?

I was miserable on Thur-20/9 after CAT. My face looked like it'd been run over by a truck. So much so that GT and SK told me to go take a walk around before FL if I needed to. CAT never fails to make me feel miserable. I always feel miserable during and after CAT. Frankly speaking, I've never felt so miserable since Stats. Stats and CAT-these two go hand in hand and isn't it amazing that they rhyme? *sarcastic smile*

CAT made me feel like crap and look like crap. Elan said after so many years of studying, she has realized that there are no intelligent people. It's whether you are in the right field. If you are in the right field, you will be good and can even be a genius at it. Different people are good at different things. Yes, I cannot imagine Beethovan or Mozart or Pavorotti coming up with some computer program, nor Einstein and Newton composing great classical mucic pieces. Elan's words are a shot in the arm when I was wondering why I, who used to do so well in school, is struggling in university. I started to doubt myself. I started thinking that other students are cleverer than me. Yes, CAT affected my self-esteem and made me feel stupid. It's ironic that a star pupil feels stupid. Elan said she is not good at Science and if she were to do Science, she'd have quit after 2 months of studying. Elan understands what I am going through because she's experienced it before. She just gave up and her prof "was pissed at her". Haha.

I agree with Elan that there is no point for students to take modules which are outside their major for the sake of a "well-rounded education" when they are obviously not cut out for it. Does it serve any purpose when at the end of the day, the Arts students are NOT going to go into Science or apply any of what they learnt from those Science modules which have tormented them so during their schooling years? We should just specialize early.

I've accepted the fact that practically every term, there'll be some stupid module which I've to take which I won't/will hardly be applying in my work in future AND which is out to torture me for the 1 entire school term that I'm taking it. Yes, I accept that. Yet, I still try to understand what is being taught. I desperately struggle to understand. There are students who are willing to do assignments, research papers, projects for other students for a fee. Earlier on, JZ told me of her intention to "buy" a project so she needn't spend the time and effort learning coding and creating a lousy program which will eventually garner a lousy grade. Yesterday, she told me that her groupmates welcome the idea of "buying" the project and that there is another group in her class which is asking her for her contact so they can also "buy" a project. What has UMS-a business school done to its students? We are famous for business courses and this is "outsourcing" learnt in the classroom. *sarcarstic smile* If I were rich and had millions to burn, I'd have "outsourced" my CAT assignments and other crappy stuff which are making/will make my Uni life hell. Afterall, I will NOT be applying Stats or CAT to my work, considering how awful I am at them and I'm certain no employer'd want me to use what I learnt in Stats or CAT in their work too, considering how awful I am at them. It's been suggested that it may be a good idea to outsource my assignments. But I am not rich and I do not want to give up like Elan. I am reduced to copying homework.

I don't know how I'm going to pass my CAT mid-term. Seriously, I think I'll just get a zero for the test. Maybe I should give up on CAT and just focus on other modules. The worst thing that can happen is to worry over several things at one time instead of just one thing a time. It depletes your energy too much and creates too much negativity. I do not have the energy or patience to humour people who behave childishly, no matter who they are. It expends too much of my energy and time at a time when I am feeling stressed, when I am feeling impatient. When I walk on the streets, I clench my teeth and fists, itching for a fight, raring to lash out at anyone who tries to be funny with me. It takes a spark to set off a bomb. I try to keep my self-control but I find my patience running thin. I am ready to let loose and waiting for someone, anyone to offer himself to me as a punching bag.

Heartache/Heartbreak

What has 3 months done to me? What is 3 months? What is time when day passes into day and night fades into night? 3 months. Time loses meaning in the face of extremity-happiness and pain. 3 months. That's all it took to change my life.

How time has flown! In 3 months, apprehension changed to enjoyment and turned to love. In 3 months, an unconscious transformation was taking place within me. It was unexpected. Maybe subconsciously, I knew I was going to miss BJ. My reaction when I finally left BJ-I didn't expect that too. When I wanted to say my parting words to Sweet, I found that I couldn't speak. All I could do, all I did was to reach out to Sweet and caress Sweet like I did so often over the past days.

When X left me, she was crying. Yes, what has 3 months done to her (too)? 3 months-it is neither too long nor too short. When I was going to leave BJ, when I felt that I was going to leave X not knowing when I'd next to see her again, that I was only starting to know X, alas! time was not on my side. I did not want to leave. Yes, there wouldn't be that kind of intense bonding that I shared with X when X was around me so often.

Big Gal said it's the quality of time that matters, not the quantity. Why then, do I wish for more time-to spend with Sweet, with X, with BJ? Why then, did I feel that time was running out for me when I'd to leave?

I wish I could've said something clever when X was crying. She said I made her cry. Sorry, X. I did not mean to make you cry. But you should know too that parting is such sweet sorrow not just for you alone.

As I desperately grabbed those last few private moments with X, I wished I could stay but I'd to leave. When I bade her goodbye for the final time, I knew deep down that had I stayed longer, my heart'd have been broken. Maybe it was good for me to leave when I did. However much I wanted to stay on. What X gave me can't be bought with money and because I was touched by X's effort, time and thoughts, I could not stop crying.

Sweet waits outside my door everyday now. I want so much to see X and Sweet again. I accept that some events/people in life only come into your life for a time but don't I even have a chance to let the good feelings remain for as long as possible? I must see X and Sweet again. I'm sorry I had to leave behind 一些值得珍惜，值得想念，值得疼的东西。I hope it won't be long before I see the things that are dear to me again. I hope I can see the things that are dear to me again. Otherwise, my heart'd break.

Accomodating/Being Stepped On And Over

I can be infinitely patient when it comes to love but it's a different story when it's with strangers. Even in accomodating a loved one, it doesn't necessitate patience in all circumstances. Maybe the closer you get to someone, the more that cordiality you accord to strangers gets eroded. Since familiarity breeds contempt, the loved one gets shouted at more and more often than strangers.

We don't mind being stepped on and over in life by total strangers. "Our work requires it", It's an ugly side of life we've to accept, like it or not" we tell ourselves. When strangers step on us, literally or not, we do not think too much about it. If, after stepping on us, they say "sorry", we smile at them and say "It's okay". An irony of life. We are polite and all smiling to strangers yet leave the most emotional scars on our loved ones. So we accomodate strangers and step on/over our loved ones. Maybe it goes two ways: Being cordial to your loved one guarantees a higher chance that that cordiality would be appreciated and thus reciprocated. If a lover apologises to the beloved after stepping, any anger/irritation at being stepped on on the part of the beloved tends to dissipate more easily.