Saturday, December 23, 2006

Ethics

I asked the vegetable seller at the dry market how much the bunch of vegetables cost. She was talking to a woman and then went on to serve an older woman in her 50s. Asked again how much that bunch of vegetables cost and she went on to serve that woman she was talking to. THAT WOMAN HAD AN ENTIRE BASKETFUL OF VEGETABLES. I, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAD ONLY ONE BUNCH OF VEGETABLES. This sounds ridiculous and I cannot imagine myself talking about such senseless things. Anyway, that woman was nice and told the vegetable seller to serve me first as I only had ONE BUNCH OF VEGETABLES (vs ONE BASKETFUL OF VEGETABLES). I made up my mind to not buy vegetables from that vegetable seller again. The wet market has plenty of vegetable stalls and if I'm not happy with the attitude/service of one, I can always patronise another vegetable stall. Ah, the wonders of elastic demand and monopolistic competition.

The vegetable seller is unethical. What is this? Just because I'm not as old as those old folksies doesn't warrant me being served last though I came first. Talk about first come first served. If I were more mature, I'd have told myself that I can't really fault uneducated people for being uncouth, uncivilised, ungentlemanly, unethical etc, let the matter rest and 不跟这些闲杂人等一般见识.

When I parted with Ms Ng some time back, she was flagging a cab and someone else cut the queue (there were others waiting for cabs apart from Ms Ng) and took Ms Ng's cab. How unethical, was Ms Ng's expression of disgust. Another cab came and Ms Ng stood back to let the people some distance in front of her who'd been waiting for a cab before her to take that cab.

Ster said she was impressed with a particular club's bouncer when he refused entry to a Caucasian lady who was making a scene when she was denied access to the club because the club'd reached its maximum capacity. Ster was impressed because the bouncer did not look at the Caucasian lady as being superior to him, gave her preferential treatment and allowed her access to the club. Ster was impressed that the bouncer did not compromise on his and the club's ethics.

Ethics, yes. Even in everyday life, simple acts go a long way to showing how ethical/unethical a person one is. I cannot help but say that I am disgusted with unethical people who scheme and lie, stoop to underhand means to get what they want or are just plain ungentlemanly or ungracious. Where have all the ethics/morals/values of the past disappeared to? I lament that in today's cutthroat world of business politics and politicking, 为了明哲保身,有些人会毫不犹豫地把自己的幸福建立在别人的痛苦上. I understand that the line between and white and black is sometimes blurred but still, I lament this lamentable fate of the world-the result of the evolvement of the world.

I'm admittedly not the best person to propound ethics, morals and values for I too, am flawed in my own way like anyone else and probably more so than some. However, I am resolutely grounded in my principles and beliefs.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Running (Away)

There are many kinds of running. One is like No Doubt's "Running" in which one is running all the time, running to the future, holding the hand of your loved one so you don't get separated. Another kind is the one I'm familiar with in the course of my studies. The pursuit of the paperchase. Running with the rest of the mice in a rat race. Running so hard sometimes I become tired and fatalistic but not being able to slow down because of the system. Running away from problems, everything, everyone, the world aka escapism is yet another type of running. The last kind is real physical running.

I was never a fast runner. I'm still not. But over the years, I've trained up my stamina and speed. I am definitely a better runner than before and have come to enjoy jogging which I never did before. Is this a sign that given the choice, I'd run away? Maybe I'm reading too much into my emotions and/or mind.

Sometimes, I am so aweary of the world I just want to run away. Like Everclear's "Wonderful", "Some days, I hate everything/I hate everything/Everyone and everything". I'd like to shake off my past, shake off everything and everyone in it, shake off the world. Sometimes, I feel like Linkin Park's "Runaway": "I wanna run away/Never say goodbye/I wanna know the truth/Instead of wondering why/I wanna know the answers/No more lies/I wanna shut the door/And open up my mind".

Have you ever felt like running away? I know I'm not the only one who feels like running away when the world seems too heavy a burden. Em said after running away, we've to come back and face the problem. I guess there are only certain places where you can find solace, where you can hide away and the world can't find you. Maybe "running away" doesn't mean "running away" from the world but from yourself. One can never run away from himself or his shadow.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Education IV

A few people have told me that I need a break. I tried slowing down. Wanted to give up those "A"s for something lesser, maybe "C"s instead. Since I couldn't stop, I slowed down for a few days. I only wanted to take a slower pace but I'm deprived of even that choice. I have no choice but to keep on running after slowing down for a few days. I just need 1-2 weeks of PURE GOLD HOLIDAYS to recharge before I can charge ahead at full steam again. Was already three-quarters burnt out by mid-term. Now that mid-term is over, I didn't have my mid-term break, and I can't even slow down although I want to and I'm forced to continue charging, I'm bitten by the "give-up" virus again. It was Elan who was attacked by that deadly virus earlier on. Fatalism is a fatalistic bug.

Elan said I should focus on one thing at a time. I suddenly feel overwhelmed by school(work) again and I can feel the stress rising up to my chest again. I probably will start becoming short-tempered again. The level of stress is so bad it's unhealthy! I feel like crying, I feel like throwing up, I want to run away but I am rooted at the same spot and I've to keep on running. I want to throw up.

I'm sleeping few hours everyday. I'm changing my sleeping pattern and sleeping earlier so I can wake up earlier to study instead of studying late into the night. Very soon, I'll be waking up at 4am to study before I go to school. I don't know what kind of a life I'm living now. It doesn't seem alright. Doesn't seem normal.

Luckily I'm doing something I have interest in. (And I'm already feeling fatalistic.) Elan said that if I were doing Engineering, I'd probably have quit school by now. She is right. I'm (so) sick of the term I just want it to end.

I just want to have a good long rest. I just want to crash out and burn.

I am becoming a moaner.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Education III

I am so unhappy that now, my schedule is even tighter than before and I have lesser personal time. I wonder if I am willing to give up the so-called "success" defined not by me but by society for a slower pace of life. This is a familiar question I've asked myself before. I think I'll be happier to settle for something lesser than to keep on going and burning myself out. I want to do the things I like, take things at MY pace, not at others' pace. MY pace may not necessarily be slower than what I'm forced to stomach. Sometimes, it's slow; sometimes fast. MY pace is more like the "Interval" training program on the treadmill. When I am tired, I slow down. When I catch my breath, I'll catch up. Right now, there's no time/room for slowing down. I am so unhappy that I have to keep on running without slowing down for a bit. I can't enjoy what I'm studying at all even though I have the interest. I'm so unhappy that I'm studying for the sake of studying now and I can't enjoy what I'm studying.

It's by no thanks to LTB/CSP that I'm feeling so tired/drained now that my energy level for the rest of the race has plunged. I try to do what I can with whatever energy I have left now but I know it's not quality work anymore.

These days, I notice something odd about myself. When things become too much for me to take, my mind starts to shut down. When that happens, I don't do anything at all which one will not expect coming from me. When I look back, I feel that the person who exhibited that behaviour is NOT the normal me. It feels like another person altogether. It's not as though I consciously refuse to do work. It feels more like my mind shutting down completely and something else is taking over me. It's psychology, I know. That the mind shuts down and allows me to hide away.

How much more can I take? How many more times is my mind going to shut down before I break? If I'm going to break, that is. I think I'll feel extreme relief when everything is over.

Everclear's "Wonderful" has this part: "Close my eyes when I go to bed/And I dream of angels who make me smile/I feel better when I hear them say/Everything will be wonderful someday". I just want to hide away in my guardian angel, hide away from this (cruel) world.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Education II

I'd said in "Education": "It is time to stretch and grow." Indeed, I am stretching my waking hours and growing my eyebags. I've become fatalistic because of Uni.

We have all got sick of LTB/CSP. SaNi and Christi left at 6pm as they said they would after Lolipop Gal left. Lolipop Gal was driving us (crazy). From the time she walked in (with her black face), we started doing work. Really. Clarenz felt he couldn't breathe and felt the feeling of 脑冲血 even though he looked pale. Think he looks pale these days because he doesn't sleep enough. Mel was quiet but when Lolipop Gal left, gone was her cultured disposition. Old Lee switched off Lolipop Gal's channel totally. I had to leave behind someone dear. And then my heart started pounding from the pressure until I reached home and drank some wine to calm the pounding heart. The pounding continued but this time from the wine I drank. If I do get a heart attack, it'll be from LTB. My heart was pounding from the pressure for a continuous few hours. Mel and Old Lee had gone off to get drunk after they left.

More "F**K"s were heard in the past 1 week than at any time. Old Lee has stated his stand clearly. He's not going to compromise his other modules for LTB anymore. Same for me. Old Lee's Stats has suffered. He'd a Stats test on last Sat-7/10 and all the crap started on last Fri-6/10. Poor Old Lee. Plus he had no time to prepare for his PS project at all and it's not fair to his partner. Same for me. LTB has taken up too much time. People are sick of LTB-you can see it from their attitude. Screw Agenda and Minutes. Screw CSP. Screw LTB.

When I got home, I drank wine while watching a local production. I've NOT watched a local production for AGES since most of them are not appealing. After that, I did something else I enjoy doing. Then I went to drink some more. THAT, is not me. When I think back on the recent happenings, I do not see the person who didn't do ANYTHING after getting home as ME. It feels like another person. This is psychology, I know. The mind has shut down and can't execute the normal, daily behaviour of the person. I can't believe Uni has made me reach the stage where my mind has shut down. What's next? Insanity seems to be on the tables.

What's the lesson learnt? The last straw that breaks the camel's back. There's only so much someone can take. The rest of the team are half-hearted with LTB now and are unwilling to sacrifice any more sleep, personal time and other modules for just LTB. My mind had shut down. If I'm pushed any further, maybe I'll get a heart attack or go insane.

In TKD, we were pushed to and over the limit. And we grew from the experience. But why do I feel that for studies, if the stress gets too much, a heart attack and insanity seem to be in the cards? I will still continue to take in the stress but I seriously have no idea what my threshold is, which the last straw is. If I finally cave in, it'll be a rude awakening to all around me. I'm becoming fatalistic because of Uni.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) IV

It is only when we realise that someone we love is going to leave us that we feel fear, apprehension, pain, sorrow etc.

If I fall in love with someone, afterwhich this person has to leave me behind, I'll blame him/her. "It's all your bloody fault for making me fall in love with you! For making me want to rely on you so much. What am I going to do when you're not around? It's all your bloody fault. Yes, you and you and you. It's all your fault."

The tears that fall then, are a mixture of sorrow at loss and happiness at the times spent. Is it good to know when your time in this world is done? I think not. You scare yourself unnecessarily and the ones around you. I don't know which is better: To know when you are going to die so you can better plan the rest of your days and live life to the fullest. Or to NOT know when your doomsday is and live out the last day without the cloud of fear and worry of the approaching death hanging over you. You decide.

Until we feel that we are truly going to lose someone we love do we realise what we've been taking for granted. But God, I did NOT take things for granted once I realised how precious they mean to me! I do not think the Higher Powers That Be will entertain any bargaining. But if they can attend to my request, I'll be thanking my lucky stars a thousand times over until they burn out. The more I feel that I'm going to lose someone I love, the more I want to hold on. Kamisama, Mou Sukoshi Dake! [God, Please Give Me More Time!]

So it's unfair of you to step into my life then leave me behind, unfair for the Supreme Being to take away people I love even though I DON'T take them for granted, unfair for God to let us meet by what he calls Fate and to tear us apart by what he calls Destiny.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Education

Elan was attacked by the give-up virus again. Elan said: "The reason why I am feeling so stressed over school is because I don't enjoy studying. So I must find a way to enjoy it. I can't vouch for not feeling panic once more. But right now what I think is, I must make it a natural rather than a forced act. For me studying now is a forced act. Like I'm born to do it. So that I won't feel the stress."

I cannot say I am much better than Elan for I have been suffering from sleep deprivation. Every time I open my mouth, I talk about sleep and I sound like a broken recorder. Sleep is such a luxury. It is a truth I've subscribed to since my Sec school days.

I was so sick of school earlier that I just wanted to get out of school. The feeling of running away is what is familiar to Elan and I. Thank God I had somewhere to run to. Thank God for small favours.

About the "give-up virus", I have also been afflicted by it albeit in a minor way. I have given up on the Soc Sci forums. They have just gone plain crazy. Period.

There's also the lack of time in Uni. I do not seem to have enough time to do the things I want now. I wish I've more time to spend on things I want to do (or sleep more) but I can't help but say that Uni is sucking the living daylights out of all of us. I always feel tired, either mildly or more. Can't believe it whenever my alarm clock rings. It is without fail that I take 10 minutes to roll out of bed after the alarm rings. Kamisama, Mou Sukoshi Dake! [God, Please Give Me More Time!] Wanted to study after lunch yesterday-30/9 but I came into the room and plonked right onto my bed and slept for 3h straight. I must really be tired. I seldom, if ever, sleep 3h for a nap.

I have got sick of school. I am so tired of, from, because of school that I look forward towards Friday every week. Initially, I only started asking "When is the weekend coming" from every Wednesday. Now, I ask that question from Tuesday, when the week has only started. Oh god! I need to get a life. I'll be thanking my lucky stars and all the gods and a couple of lesser known deities at the end of this 4 years if and when I manage to survive it.

Why has the education degenerated to this? Education should be fun and fufilling, enriching one's life. Instead, it has turned into a demon with effective slave-driving tools.

What is education really? Is the Uni degree just a piece of paper which will help me get a good job after this 4 years? Or is there something more to this piece of paper? As I looked at the students mugging away on Wed-28/9 morning on the benches, I asked myself how many of them have thought about what education means to them. What they want to achieve in this 4 years. What they want to achieve out of life. Many of us are so busy focusing on what needs to be done now that we lose sight of what's further (and greater). This piece of paper cannot and should not be just a piece of paper that provides job security. This piece of paper cannot and should not be a means to an end or an end itself. Rather, it should be the means to another means.

I re-evaluated what this 4 years of Uni life will mean to me and know that there has to be something more to education that that piece of paper. I'll be shortchanging myself if I don't get anything out of this 4 years other than a piece of paper. It is time to stretch and grow. To learn as much as I can. To get more than knowledge-life skills which I can carry with me for life.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Love, Hate (+Hurt) III

Ms Ng had said that humans are all created with the capacity to love. We also want to be loved. The need to love and the need to be loved is there. I'd said in "Love, (Hurt,) Hate": "To love because of a need implies that the love is tempered with a selfishness." It would seem then that it is because of a self-seeking, self-serving interest that humans give love. Ms Ng said that sometimes, when we don't get the right love, even bad love will do.

We hear stories of the lonely, desolate, distressed, depressed, depraved breaking down and crying when they say they experience God's love. Isn't this a case of "when we don't get the right love, even bad love will do"? Any kind of love will suffice for humans, even bad love. Bad love is sad. To have seen the ugliness of this world and then be touched by a love, any kind of love-it is natural that humans will be overwhelmed by emotions. It need not necessary be God's love.

To walk to the end of the spectrum of extreme emotions and then come back, it is strange how apart from touching and reaching out to the/a soul, this/a love can hurt. Guess that's why the wretched cry when they say they experience God's love. Because they feel hurt simultaneously. It is incomprehensible how a love can soothe while bringing with it a sense of bitter(sweet)ness, sorrow, pain and anguish.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Longing II

In War And Beauty, there was a conversation among the Ladies-in-waiting. Regarding serving the Emperor one of the Ladies-in-waiting said: "Gentle but not passive. Active but restrained. It's good to be shy. But still you have to flirt a bit. That's between denial and acceptance." The Lady was creating a thrill within the Emperor in the longing for her.

I do not advocate having a glimpse of what can never be, what can never happen, what you can never have because then arises longing. Longing stems from a need although at first instance, it may seem to have stemmed from a want instead. But no, longing boils down to a need, Man's basic and primal, animalistic instinct to dominate, own, possess. To give and receive.

It is indeed cruel to be filled with the desire and then denied your wish. To long.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Conscience

Prof asked yesterday if we have a remote control which button when pressed, would cause all the SUN profs to fall dead, if we would choose to press the button. There would be NO consequences ie. the authorities will not come after you. He'd give us a pill that would take away any feelings of guilt. Would you do it?

Interesting question. If we've a pill that will erase any emotions that we have when we press the button, so that there's nothing to hold us back from pressing the button, essentially that's no different from a robot killing someone.

What if there's no pill? Would you still kill all the SUN profs if there are no consequences? You may think that there's no benefit in killing SUN profs. If I say there's a distant relative who's filthy rich and he will leave you his inheritance, will you do it? Interesting. Some people actually say yes.

The point is most others feel that the act of killing people is morally wrong. There's something inside that tells us it's wrong, that holds us back from performing evil deeds, that prevents us from killing people. It's the sense of right and wrong, the sense of moral justice, our conscience.

I know that much as I hate or dislike certain people, people who've hurt me before, people who've made me suffered, I will not take revenge given the chance to do so. I cannot see myself pushing them off the edge of a cliff when they are struggling to maintain a foothold. Another instance would be escaping from a sinking ship. You want to abandon the ship but you feel an obligation, a calling to stay behind and help the ones onboard who are still trying to get out of the ship. In both scenarios, conscience is at work. Conscience is the force that prevents you from 落井下石 when you see your old enemies struggling. Conscience is the hand that stops you from leaving the sinking ship, leaving the rest of the passengers in lurch and pulls you back to help them leave the ship safely. Conscience is innate. Conscience sometimes will kill you. Conscience sometimes can save you too-save you from yourself.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Time Is Of The Essence

School has started. I have embarked on my Uni life. Feel that I'm in a pressure cooker once school started. I keep on looking at the time every since school started. Even when I was talking to close ones I keep on looking at the time. I dislike it immensely. Feel like I'm a businessman under time constraint all the time, always in a race against time. That I've to keep on looking at the time and "delete" play/fun/personal time and "insert" work. I'm cutting out/cutting short conversations or what I want to say with the ones who matter to me in exchange for more time. It's an expense on personal relationships and it's saddening.

Feel that I've so many things to do but so little time. That 24h a day is not enough. I keep on praying that I've more time to do all that has to be done but my prayers are unanswered (I think).

Boon in Sec school once said: "Time is what you make of it". I thought it was meaningful. I don't have time but I make time. So when someone offers you his time, grab it. Especially when it's someone whose experiences you can learn from, someone whose bank of knowledge you can draw upon. Most of the time, I don't give two hoots about this too much. As long as I am comfortable with someone, I will spend my time with him.

To know the value of time, one should ask a runner who came in second place in a race. The difference between a gold medal and a silver one is a split second's difference. I, of all people should know this better since being able to kick faster than your opponent gives you an edge in competitions. Still, I don't seem to treasure my time and have to admit that I do procrastinate at times.

I have just wasted a number of minutes (not sure how many) of my life blogging this entry and I shall never get those seconds back again. Someone once said: "Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted". Fine. I am torn between wasting my time and wasting away my relationships. I would like to spend more time with people whom I care about but I can't afford to. Before I know it, their time or my time would be gone and what's left are only regrets.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

What Goes Around Comes Around

The world is your mirror. Where have I heard it before? How you treat others, others will treat you the same in return. What goes around comes around.

I am touched so I reciprocate with love. I've been torched by cold fire before so I felt like burning. I hurt so I hurt in return. It is natural. A natural order of things.

Negativity is not bred overnight. It is callousness, carelessness, a lack of dignity and respect that birth negativity. Any kind of negativity. I do not believe there are born psychopaths. Neither is hate a result of one unpleasant event. There is only so much a person can tolerate. When pushed over the limit and he snaps, it'll not be easy trying to reverse the change.

I DETEST being dared. When pushed, I will not hesitate to take drastic action. Desperate people do desperate things. Likewise, when feelings are stoked to a boiling intensity, demons are/will be unleashed.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Trust II

How do you trust in someone you find hard to? How can you keep on trusting when promises have been broken one time too many? It takes a long time to build up trust and it doesn't take a lot to break it. How then, can one break trust which has been built up so easily? To treat it carelessly and break it with indifference? I don't understand.

I want to trust but after too many empty words, everything is a lie. 我已经心灰意冷了.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Dreaming II

In "Red Sky In The Morning", there was a part where Anna dreamt of Ben after he died. Anna woke up crying because the grief felt fresh and raw then. Then she went back to sleep. When she woke up in the morning, she felt normal. The grief was gone.

Elan said the feeling is in-between waking and sleeping. When you are asleep or just woke up from a dream you're not fully awake yet, like you are in a state of drunkedness. Sometimes you are very affected by certain emotions. Then after you wake up fully, the emotions are not there anymore. It is, according to Anna, like "a crack in the wall", and in Elan's words, "a glimpse into your feelings".

When you are asleep or just woke up, sometimes it's not fully awake and things you've dreamt still affect you or you stay in a certain emotion you experienced in your dream. For example, if in your dream, you are sad, you feel the heaviness and sadness; you'll be crying; maybe you have tears in your eyes. When you are fully awake, the feeling's gone. It's like a state of drunkedness. Things that you feel, you say and do are real and not real at the same time. Real because it comes from deep within. Not real because you're not fully in control, you're not conscious of what you're doing. Elan thinks that it's part of our subconscious. Elan said in Anna's case her grief is real and maifests this way. It is a way for her to also get over it by expressing it-in a dream state. Elan said that in such cases maybe one should think about what he felt and what it meant instead of brushing it off like a lot of people do. When you're subconsciously expressing something it tells you about yourself...more than what you can see in real life consciously. Because when you're doing it consciously you may choose to repress a certain part of yourself. For example maybe in front of your enemies you don't want to show any weakness, so you show a very strong exterior. But it doesn't mean you have no weaknesses at all. Consciousness is a choice.

I wondered about recurring dreams of a loved one dying/who's dead. I feel it's grief, part of grieving, of the mind trying to let go in the form of dreams. Recurring dreams probably means that one can't let go of the death. Elan thinks complicated. She said it's very weird. Some people think it's paranormal. Some people see it as grief or remembrance.

Elan is such an intellectual friend I think if I die before her, I'll just continue those mental challenges, verbal sparring, intellectual debates/discussions by coming back as a ghoul in her dreams. Haha.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Parental Love

In "Desperate Housewives 2", when Andrew got back at his Mum, Bree, Bree drove Andrew to the middle of nowhere, dumped him there with his bag of clothes and some money and told him to get a job himself. She'd essentially abandoned her son. Because she said she was not strong enough to take care of him.

Strangely, as I saw how Andrew initially pleaded with his Mum not to leave him, I felt for him. Looking critically at Andrew and his relationship with his Mum, rebellious as he was, Andrew was only a pitiable kid who had sought that understanding from his Mum, that motherly love which he could never get. Bree of course loved him in the best way she knew but that wasn't what he was looking for. Or rather, the way that she loved him was not the way that he wanted nor needed. So he rebelled. It's sad. In the end, she abandoned him. Much as Andrew disliked/hated his Mum, ultimately, he still pleaded with her not to leave him behind.

A tiger will never eat its cubs. I cannot exactly understand how parents can give up on their children. Even beasts seem to have more love than humans for their young. Some parents can't parent their kids well and the State has to do it for them. To a certain extent, these parents have failed. But it depends on the circumstances too. Like in Desperate Housewives 2, Caleb killed a girl because he was unstable. Betty had him locked up in the basement to save him from being taken away by the police and put in a mental institution. She was even going to kill him. Another form of parental love. One which I cannot comprehend.

Then there are parents who aren't parents at all. Biological parents maybe. But not parent parent. That is, the kind that showers love on his kids. Lance Armstrong is one good example. He never treated his biological Dad as his Dad. Can't blame him. His only family is his Mum who raised him single-handedly from a baby. I always feel that if one wants to have children, he/she should be prepared for the sacrifices and be prepared to be a good parent. Otherwise, don't have a kid.

On the other hand, there are also parents who aren't parents at all. A good example would be foster parents. Non-biological parents. These are people who (can) love you as their own child even though there are absolutely no blood ties. I find it hard to understand this kind of parental love.

Some parents try hard to be good parents but fall short. For instance, parents who work so hard that they don't spend quality time with their children who end up distancing from them. In another example, parents who are either too lax or too rigid in their parenting approch. It is indeed hard to strike the perfect balance to 要严,但也要带爱.

There are parents whose parental love come only in the form of harsh love. In Mitch Albom's "The Five People You Meet In Heaven", Eddie craved for his Dad's love since he was a boy. But the only love his Dad dealt him, was capable of giving him, was harsh love. Even then, in heaven, Eddie still coveted that fatherly love which he never had.

There are still great parents. Parents who do their utmost best to bring up their kids. To jaw-dropping extent by normal standards. Such is the greatness of parental love.

Giving Up II

I said before that giving up is not an easy thing to do. Indeed so. When it comes to a passion, I have difficulty giving up. I read in an article about love that "The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go".

I tried to give up. But I don't know how to. Can't seem to. Don't seem to want to either. I don't know if I should let go painfully or hold on stubbornly. It was with a sinking heart when I packed up and decided to shut the door to my passion and be numb to the sense of loss. But if there's a chance that I don't have to give up, I'd grab hold of it. Passions are not easy to give up.

Thinking II

Mimi was talking about a friend who "whined" to Mimi about how she doesn't have money. When Mimi went out with her, she realised why that friend doesn't have money. She splurges.

Elan said that a lot of people are typical-just like those people you see in the market. They don't look at things from a broad perspective. They are narrow in their thinking, only concerned about short-term stuff, mundane matters than long-term affairs and interests. I think that has got to do with education. Will an educated person think narrowly? Possibly. Then what is the purpose of his education? In any case, some successful people are uneducated but are visionaries.

10-year plans seem too long range for me. 10 years seem to stretch so far away into the future. Yet, I know I'm only kidding myself. I have wasted half of my time and will probably waste the other half. I suppose the skeptic in me is responsible for the measured pace I take.

I do not think it's good to think too much. The great philosophers must be depressed people. Then again, the power of the mind cannot be underestimated.

Crisis: Identity, Quarter-life, Mid-life

Technology does wonders for humans. I can be talking to someone in Singapore and Australia at the same time in the same conversation. But nothing beats the personal, face-to-face encounter. It wasn't until I saw Elan and Mimi recently that I realised how our thinking differed. There is a dichotomy in our thinking. Feel that there's a gap between me and them now. I believe that 1 year ago, before I started working, if I had had the same conversation with them, I'd probably be as idealistic as them. My thinking's evolved. I was talking with a sense of pragmatism and realism. Felt sad that there's "un-meeting" of minds in our discourse on Reality vs Idealism. Sitting down there-the 3 of us, I felt as if we were aristocrats/nobles discussing/lamenting about the state of affairs in Singapore.

Elan and Mimi are going through "quarter-life crisis" now. Haha. Elan wonders when she'll ever be rid of the influence of the ruling party. She thinks it's a sad state of affairs that at adulthood, they are still worrying over grades. Haha. True. They said in overseas, people just do what they like and they're not worried about failing. Elan said we shouldn't be afraid to fail no matter how old we are. Overseas, even if you fail, people don't condemn you. You just do what you like and heck it. Here, you can't really do what you like because society looks at you with tinted glasses and an evil eye. I kept asking what would look impressive on my resume. Talking in pragmatic terms, basically. Elan said we should just do whatever we like, "just do it". All of us were talking with "a sense of despondency and cynicism". Haha. I think it was more so for Elan and Mimi who seemed to be jaded. It is the herd mentality here. I've become victim to this mentality, becoming one of the herd, going with the flow, chasing after the Singaporean dream. Selling my soul to the devil, as Elan said.

I'd experienced identity crisis before. Which is akin to Elan and Mimi's "quarter-life crisis". At one point, I began to doubt if I was going the correct way. Or rather, questioning if the "correct" way is the way I want to go. I compete and compete and compete until I lose myself in the competition and I wondered if my life is worth the value of competition. Life suddenly lost its meaning. I'd once spoken to Ms Ng about this-the pressure to conform to societal norms before. I complained that I don't want to be one of the herd. Ms Ng had said thoughtfully then: "Maybe it's easier said than done."

So at quarter-life, I began asking around "What the heck is mid-life crisis?" I wanted to know so that I'm ready for it. Different people have come up with various definitions.

Ms Ng said: "People have mid-life crisis when they suddenly feel at a loss and don't know what to do with their lives".

Mrs Kurup said it's when you are in your 40s or 50s and you look around and suddenly realise that you are trapped in the rat race. You don't like it because you're not doing what you like but you're already living the expensive lifestyle and you've no choice but to carry on because you cannot give it up. So you get stuck in a rut which you dug. It can lead to relationship problems or family problems. The brave ones, when they experience mid-life crisis, make a career switch even though they can't earn as much as before.

Mimi said it's when you reach 40 and you realise you've not accomplished anything and you feel lost and hopeless. Because all along, you've been going with the flow and you didn't do what you like. Then you hit 40 and you realise that you accomplished nothing.

AD's definition is different. More for those who are in a job they are satisfied in and have set goals for that career path. AD said mid-life crisis is "when one's list of aims/aspirations and list of achievements tally negatively, his/her frustration coupled with deperation that time is running out". She's not seen successful people who have a happy life NOT having mid-life crisis.

Some middle-aged folks don't know what mid-life crisis is. Those are the lucky ones. They haven't experienced and (probably) won't experience mid-life crisis. Guess those are the ones who are happy and contented.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Longing

Have you ever longed for something? I mean, really longed. The kind of longing that comes with an expectation, a hope, a wish-maybe a wishful thinking. Maybe it was some results that which you should have. Or a hope that you can change reality. Or pining away for a love that doesn't belong.

I'd said in "Love (Afar And Near)" that falling in love with "someone who is right before your eyes in damning circumstances which do not permit you both together" is pathetic and beautifully tragic. I think now that it's a devastating tragedy. To sit across/stand beside someone you love-whose love you can never have-only to have to suppress the feelings is painful. It's so near yet so far! It's painful to long for a love that doesn't belong. To long for a conclusion long foregone. To crave for that love that don't belong. It's painful to be longing after something that doesn't belong. Like how a kid longs for a toy which he knows he won't get.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Silent Communication, Wordless Language

What comes to mind? Music and art-drawings/paintings are what can reach your soul. We don't really need words. I could be playing Beethovan even though I don't understand German and the composer is dead. Even though it's another time, place and age, Beethovan talks to me through his music still. When I saw 2 people using sign language to communicate, I thought we could do away with words. There should be some form of universal communication where words are done away with. Businessmen/diplomats should learn sign language so that interpreters are not needed and miscommunication are lessened to a minimum. Humans talk too much and sometimes say the wrong/weirdest/most comical things.

If I suffer from impairment of sight or hearing, the human touch never fails to caress and soothe the hurting/weary soul. Words, are to a certain extent redundant. As the saying goes, "Action speaks louder than words". I mean literally.

Freedom

There're many kinds of freedom. The most familiar kind would be freedom of ideals, freedom of ideas, freedom of expression, freedom from oppression of free people-the foundation upon which democracy is built.

There's the freedom from parental control demanded by peevish teens experiencing teen angst as demonstrated clearly in "Desperate Housewives 2" when Andrew told his Mum, Bree "I want to be emancipated".

There's then the freedom of Self from society/State as wished for by Mimi and Elan. Elan laments that at 21, undergrads are still worrying about grades and wonders when they'll ever be rid of the influence of this elitist/herd mentality.

There's also freedom from past/reality where one wishes he could reject the past and spurn reality.

Every type of freedom mentioned earlier is relatively easy to attain save for the last. Think about it. If you feel oppressed by State, you can always move away, migrate and live elsewhere. You don't have to put up with crap. If you want freedom from parental control, once you reach a certain age, your parents can't control you anymore. However, freedom from past/reality is a tough nut to crack. Even if one migrates, changes his identity, changes his personality, goes for cosmetic surgery, cuts off all contacts with his past, he'll never be rid of his past. For his past will haunt him wherever he goes. It is his past that makes him who/what he is presently. As for denying reality, you can go to sleep but you can't sleep away the problem. You can turn to alcoholism, to drugs but the problem persists. To be free from everything is akin to a kite. It is a fallacy to think that a kite seems to be flying in the direction it wants, because it'll always be tied to the string. It is best then to live in the wild, be part of the wild. I'm reminded of Savage Garden's "Animal Song".

Friday, July 07, 2006

Volunteering

Got a package from UMS enclosing leaflets of CCAs and of various VOLUNTEER activities/camps that "guarantee you'll fulfil the 80h VOLUNTEER work requirement".

Why the hell do they call it "VOLUNTEER work" when it's NOT voluntary at all? We did not VOLUNTEER. It was imposed upon us: a prerequisite to graduating. Imagine someone saying: "Oh, the undergrad didn't/couldn't graduate because he didn't do VOLUNTEER work". How preposterous! And pathetic. Has volunteerism relegated to this? Shouldn't volunteerism be an act/offer out of one's own free will? To force it down people's throat is nowhere near the definition of "voluntary" and is lamentable. They should just rename it "COMPULSORY community service".

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Thinking about Thinking

Knowledge is power. I'm not saying this because it's cliché. Rather, because it is a truth and a fact.

Scientists say that we use less than 10% of our brain. Some scientists think it's less than 5%. Whether it's 10% or 5%, I still find myself getting tired when I study intensely for a few hours. Elan said we're tired because of "information overload".

Some brainy facts:

-Our brain can hold 10 libraries.
-It is about 125,500 GB.
-Information are transmitted from neuron to neuron at 120 m/s which is equivalent to 432 km/h.

The more we use or exercise our brain, the more something is reinforced in our brain. For example, when we learn how to use a new handphone, we make a connection in our brain. The more we use the handphone, the better we are at it because we actually reinforce the way the handphone works in our brain. I guess that's why practice makes perfect.

Studies have shown that the more your brain exercises the more it changes. Guess that's why during exam period, my capability for thinking actually expands and I think more.

Motivational/inspirational speakers would say or love to destroy the notion that "No one is born stupid. We are not born stupid." However, we are also not born smart/intelligent. We are born with the POTENTIAL to be intelligent. Every time we study, learn and think, we make a new brain connection and open up a new pathway. In other words, we understand more and think faster. Thus, intelligence is a result of thinking. The more we use our brain, the more intelligent we become. There is no such thing as we are born stupid. If we are stupid it's because we are not using our brain.

On the point on "If we are stupid, it's because we are not using our brain", it may take 1 second for your friends to understand a joke; it may take you 5 minutes later to laugh at the same joke. It's not because you are stupid. Your brain just connects (thoughts) slower. I guess that's why AD, KC and Von can crack jokes so well. Because they always exercise that part of the brain that cracks jokes. And that's why those who scheme/plot and lie can do it so well because that's all their brains do.

The grey matter up there is the most powerful weapon humans are endowed with. Even without an arm or a leg, our brain is the most powerful tool. Successful people are so because of their brain. It's the way they think. You can strip them of their assets but they'll bounce back. They use their brain and they make their millions again. I've always subscribed to the belief that education is the way out of poverty.

Although intelligence is the result of thinking, thinking is NOT a result of intelligence. It's because I study, therefore I become more intelligent. Thinking leads to intelligence. The reverse is however, untrue. Intelligence doesn't lead to thinking. The worst form of laziness is the laziness of the mind. It thus gives that the people at the top echelons of society/corporate ladder are great thinkers. Yes, knowledge is power. And power can be phenomenal/destructive depending on how you wield it. Everything is a double-edged sword. People who have knowledge are powerful because they can make use of that knowledge for the betterment/destruction of themselves, the people around them or the country/society on a larger scale. Didn't Descartes say "I think, therefore I am"? Ah, yes, the power of thinking.

Old people always say that they are forgetful because they are old. It has nothing to do with age. Lee Kuan Yew is old but he is still very sharp. So our mind must never retire! Haha. So I must keep having my mental challenges and verbal sparring with Elan to keep those sparks of life in my brain alive! Haha.

A scientist/researcher did a study. There were 2 groups of children-brain damaged children and normal children. He taught the brain damaged children how to read. He found out later that the group of brain damaged children of 3, 4, 5 years old could read several languages better than the normal children who didn't have the opportunity to read. Those normal children were either baby-sat or put in front of the TV by their parents and so didn't have the opportunity to read.

In another experiment, some rats were put in a darkened environment and others were put in a sensory environment (normal environment). All rats were later put in a maze with food. Rats that were in the sensory environment could find food easily. When the brains were cut, those rats that were in the sensory environment had more developed/mature brains than those in the sensory-deprived environment which had smaller and less developed brains. The point is our brain develop with use. Use it or lose it. It's like how we lose touch with a language if we don't use it.

The moment we step out of school, it's perilous. Because we need a lot more self-discipline to think/learn. The moment you stop thinking, it's your decline and downfall. That's why China lagged behind other countries when the rest of the world was industrialising. Information was expanding and China/Mao Zedong had closed itself/China off from the rest of the world with the intention to be self-sufficient. Part of the reason why the Great Leap Forward became a Great Leap Backwards was because of the lack of the influx of knowledge when China shut itself off from the rest of the world.

The Man Upstairs is a genius because he's knowledgeable. Since knowledge is power, it gives that since he knows all, he's omniscient and therefore, omnipotent.

Elan refutes the ideas of "No one is born stupid" and "Intelligence is a result of thinking" on a totally unemotional/unfeeling and purely rational level. Elan said that the 2 statements are inaccurate. They are subjective. "Stupid" is subjective because it connotes a negative thinking/feeling. It is deterministic, judgmental and fatalistic. So it is not objective. "Intelligence" itself has a positive connotation and is not objective either. One form of objectivity will be through Intelligence Quotient tests in which we use to measure a person's intelligence. But we cannot use "stupid" or "intelligence" as an objective ruler to measure a person's intelligence. Motivational/inspirational speakers appeal to our emotions when they use words like "stupid" or "intelligence". First, they take away the negative feeling-"no one is born stupid". Then they add the plus feeling-"if you think more, you'll become intelligent". It's all very feel-good stuff, very inspiring/inspirational but logically/rationally, the statements are inaccurate. "Stupid" is an emotional and negative way of describing someone. "Low intelligence" is a more rational and unemotional way of describing the same person. If you say "no one is born stupid", you give the person's morale a boost and motivate him but logically speaking, if you use the IQ test to measure intelligence, there ARE some who fare exceptionally high. Those are the "intelligent" ones. There is the average. There are the ones who measure below below average, that is, those of lower intelligence. So one cannot say that "no one is born stupid" or that no one is of low intelligence because it is a fact that there ARE people of low intelligence. Or what we usually call "stupid".

I can relate to both the emotional appeal of motivational/inspirational speakers/speeches and the rational side of Elan's logic. Whatever it is, I do and still believe that knowledge is power. The wise ones would agree.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Feminine Man, Manly Woman

Reminds me of the show "He's The Woman, She's The Man" and more recently, <<王的男人>>. In the former, Wing (Anita Yuen) cross-dressed in a bid to get close to her idol, Sam Koo (Leslie Cheung). The result was some comic episodes as Wing was mistaken to be a gay. For <<王>>, Lee Joon-ki, who played Gong-kil, watched "Farewell My Concubine" several times in order to learn how to sashay convincingly. Lee Joon-ki was most positively pretty in <<王>>! So much so that when I first saw him, I mistook him for a lady! *chuckles*

AD had said that every successful woman needs to have a bit of "man" in her. Essentially, that means that that successful woman has to possess that drive, ambition, those traits that are so commonly associated with masculinity. Can you imagine a woman CEO who's actually a sissy? I can't.

I do not take very well to guys who do not have that drive/ambition in them. Ster had chided Chuan for that lack. In her words, "If you want to anyhow study, anyhow pass, then you might as well anyhow get a job. Anyhow be a sweeper." This is not a derogatory remark belittling the contribution of blue collar workers as sweepers. Rather, it stands as a truth to the meritocratic society that we live in: work hard and your effort will be paid off.

All in all, I think that the best mix is to have a combination of "man" in a woman and vice-versa ie. a woman should have a bit of "man" in her (to succeed) and the man should have a bit of effeminacy in him-that bit of understanding and empathy to the people around him.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Fate and Destiny II

People almost invariably speak of fate and destiny in the same breath. It seems the two are inextricably linked.

"Ducunt volentem fata, nolemtem trahunt". That's Latin for "Fate leads the willing, the unwilling it drags". I've always believed that man is the master of his own fate, the captain of his own ship, the director of his own script. I stubbornly refuse to succumb to the forces of fate and destiny and I shall put up a fierce fight if I'm dragged by fate. Fate and destiny can change if you are determined.

I have but to wonder about fate though. Em and I met in Sec 1 but we only got to know each other in Sec 3. We were fated to meet in Sec 1 but not destined to become friends at that time. When our paths crossed again in Sec 3, that was destiny for you.

I've been surprised by fate countless times. The lift incident. How I managed to hear and answer Ms Ng's call as opposed to missing Elan's call when I was in another room. How it took 10 years to come full circle and meet Ecarg again.

Dreaming

Sleep is such a luxury. The eyes close and the mind rests. Sometimes, we fall into a void and the fall seems to last forever until the alarm rings or your mind says "Stop sleeping". Other times, even though the mind is supposed to be resting, we see pictures in our mind, one after another and we wake up feeling like we've just gone through a movie marathon.

Some dreams-you forget the moment you open your eyes. Others-you remember for a long time in the waking world. Then there are some which you'll dismiss when you wake up but one day recall when that scene from your dream transforms into reality. Yes, déjà vu.

Dreams tell the past, reflect the present and foretell the future. An instance of dreams telling you the/YOUR past: YP once had a dream in which the setting was in olden times. A few years later, she'd a continuation of that same dream.

About dreams being reflections of the present reality, scientists say that dreaming is a way the mind releases stress. As we dream, the mind sorts through the information we come across and trashes useless stuff in the form of dreams which is why we dream about the things which concern us at the present moment.

Déjà vu is a little unpredictable. Ironic since it's supposed to predict the future. I'm sure practically everyone wants to have déjà vu of the next winning lottery number. Haha. Anyway, déjà vu is unpredictable in the sense that you never know WHEN what you saw in your dream will appear before your eyes in reality. There is the time factor. It could happen tomorrow. It could happen next week, a few months later or a few years down the road. I think one needs to be extremely sensitive (in the sixth sense manner of speaking) to be able to know WHEN that déjà vu is going to become reality.

Dreams on the whole are unpredicatable and incomprehensible. You can never be sure if a dream is indicative of the past or present or future. Anything can happen in a dream. Math can go wrong. Heights go haywire. The world reverses. You can be flying. You wake up running. Or crying. Or shouting. You wake up with a sweet aftertaste. Everything is in disorder yet it is perfectly normal.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Luck

It was Elan who first seeded this topic in my mind. One question always hurt me: Why is it that if we do something we like, go into our passion/interest, we do not get that much recognition/reward/remuneration as compared to something else which we do not feel (so much) for but which rewards you more than your passion? Elan said it's a generalisation. It's actually luck. For example, you may love acting and you go into acting and become famous. If you are not so lucky, you may be acting for years but no one recognises your potential. It's all about luck.

"Just My Luck". Watched it yesterday. Ster and Bei felt that the ending was touching and they felt like crying. Didn't feel anything but felt the music was great. McFly was in that show and I thought their music was cool. Was shaking my legs and rocking my body a little to their music while watching the movie. Even Ster was shaking her legs. If not for the fact that I was sitting down, I'd be like one of the fans in a rock concert. Cool music. Made me feel like going to a rock concert. Simple Plan's a bit depressing although I can relate to their songs. McFly's more upbeat.

Anyway, in "Just My Luck", we saw how the wheel of fortune turned and Ashley Albright (Lindsay Lohan) and Jake Hardin (Chris Pine) switched luck. Jake started out as the unluckiest guy in the world: water on the road splashing onto him when a car passed, pants dropping, dog poop on fingers, being kicked in the balls by a jogger who mistook him for a molester, ending up with the police. Nothing could be worse than that. Then we saw Ashley as the likeable, successful, young exec whose life couldn't be more smooth-sailing and luckier. Ashley didn't believe in luck until she switched luck with Jake afterwhich she went to the gypsy to demand her luck back. Haha. People never believe in something until something else happens.

Luck is subjective. Someone may be destined to be lucky but if he is going to slack and be laid-back, only depending on his luck to get him by, he may not get very far. Maybe not as far as if he'd worked hard and used his luck. On one hand, I believe that you hold your destiny in your hands and you create your own luck. On the other hand, I've been in situations in which I prepared for everything yet the results, when they come, fail me. Everything seemed certain save for the luck factor. Diligence, perseverence, preparedness is one thing. But you can't dismiss this thing called Luck.

Giving

During my last lunch with Ms Ng, a woman in her 30s approached our table and asked us for 2 bucks. At that time, I was shocked at her audacity. Appalling. Ms Ng gave her $2 and the woman left. I stared at Ms Ng, wondering why on earth Ms Ng would give so readily. I wouldn't. Especially as the woman didn't state why she needed that money. There are too much of such kinds of beggars/various kinds of begging/cheating. I didn't think it right that Ms Ng gave that woman money. Little Aunt always advocates working hard and earning a living for yourself. Little Aunt'd say "有手有脚,又不是残废."

Mimi said maybe the woman needed that money. She'd give the woman the money to 打发她走 although she's problems donating to flag day. Haha. Elan said that we shouldn't give to these people because they are cheats. There's good karma when you give to someone who needs help but there's bad karma when you give to them knowing they are cheats. Because after getting money successfully from someone, they'd be incited/encouraged to move on to the next victim. It's like we are edging them on. Elan said that if one needs financial help, there are ways like welfare. I agreed with Elan. Mimi said that there was a case where a man divorced his wife and claimed welfare for himself and his children and conned the government of 250K.

More recently, a friend (Fren) told me that someone she knows who's single and in her 40s told her that she would rather her life passes more quickly. Fren thinks that her friend doesn't have anything to look forward to which is why she feels sorry for her friend. Fren gave an example of this 107-year-old woman who's helping others and living a fulfilled life.

Fren's story made me think that the key to living (a fufilled life) is to give. Not really in monetary form but more of love although giving money (donating) can be an act of love too. When you give out love and you share (yourself) with others, life takes on more meaning.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Giving Up

Thomas Edison once said: "Many of life's failures are people who do not realise how close they are to success when they gave up."

I have given up training. The training which I so love. I've always said one fine day, I'd quit training but I always returned to training after a lapse. I've finally given up training as I've always said I would. Part of the reason is that I know it's not my forte. Sure, I was much better than before. I can be even better, I know. If only I train harder. But one should know his strengths, weaknesses and limitations. I am not an athlete; I do not possess a gifting in sports like Em or her sisters. I look at Nick, SY, Ching and know that they only need to train a little to go very far. For me, I need to work doubly, triply hard to get there.

The last time I went back to training was last Fri-16/6. To visit. I do miss training. The team spirit. The individual competiveness. Sam Sir said it's a waste to give up years of training. I agree. Sam Sir said that he thinks I have yet to reach my niche. Maybe he is right. Afterall, he's been teaching for more than 10 years. What kind of students haven't he seen? I am grateful for his words. At the same time, I am filled with guilt/shame because giving up training is not just me alone. It is also giving up the hope that Sam Sir, John Sir and the rest of the instructors have in me, their effort that they've put in to train me to become who I am today-physically and mentally. 一日为师,终生为父. I do not wish to disappoint them. They are great teachers, the best there can ever be. Sam Sir'd said that it matters not if you are not a fighter. If you can train out good fighters, that's something too. Sam Sir was trying to encourage me. But.

I honestly do not know if I'll become a success in TKD and I shall never know. I have given it up. I HATE failing. To save me from more heartaches, I might as well go into something I'm excellent in. Some things I will give up; others I'll pursue relentlessly. But I did not know that giving up is not an easy task too.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Helplessness

Have you ever felt like screaming but no sound comes out of your mouth? Have you ever wished that you can cry but it is tears that flow from your heart instead? Have you ever felt like obliterating the world in front of you in one fell stroke but realise that you are only swiping/stabbing in a vacuum and you don't know when the void will suffocate you?

I'd said in "Reel And Real Life", "To attain happiness, one needs to make a clean break from the mess that's dragging him or her down. Perhaps it's easier said than done." Indeed it's easier said than done. Some mess you just can't get out of. When the world was formed and you were born, the die was cast and your fate/destiny was signed by the stars. Although fate/destiny can change as like the stars that change their positions, some things, like the Northern Star, are constant. You can never rewrite history eg. your birth date and hour of birth. I'd like to run away from everything, everyone, the world, get away from me but I am cemented at the same spot. I'm chained to a past that mocks, a present that torments, a future of responsibilities and obligations.

I'd said in "Nothing Is Totally Good Or Bad", "Suffering may make a person successful but at a price. The person will become bitter and miserable." and Elan had commented "Sometimes, it's simply not true that suffering is good. It might be a necessary process but if suffering is so positive, why call it suffering?" I've always managed to 化悲愤为力量. But I wonder now if the pain is not being transformed into some kind of twisted strength. Because success is bought with suffering which will result in an embittered person. I would like to grow up in a loving environment instead of achieving success through suffering. Love stimulates and hate drives. Both are powerful forces. I prefer to believe that love is the stronger of the two. Although it may not be so, I believe that one who attains success through love/encouragement as opposed to another who obtains it from suffering will reach a higher level of success. At any rate, at the end of it all, the former would have a more wholesome life emotionally and spiritually unlike the latter who'll end up with bitterness.

KC had said "The mind and the heart think/feel differently." If your mind says "yes" and your heart refuses to listen, you are torn. There's tension when your mind gives a command but your heart turns the other way. To NOT do something because you do not feel like doing but your sense of responsibility/loyalty gives rise to an obligation which you are unwillingly to yet you perform-it is a psychological war. When it comes to someone you love/care for who is blind to (and persists in) his mistake(s), 你是帮敌还是帮亲呢? I am trapped.

I am resigned to a situation I cannot get out of. Love it or hate it, you have to live with it. I'd like to shake my fists at heaven and rant and rave but everything remains unchanged. No one can help (me). Not even me, myself and I. At the same time, I am reminded of Hangman. Bit by bit, little by little, Hangman will die from asphyxia. Unless the game ends before the rope is cut. It is a race against time for me. The dark cloud approaches. The walls are closing in.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Death

I'm coming in touch with death often these days. First, it was Mimi who witnessed the accident where the girl (passenger) in a car had glass bits in her mouth and the boy had an open gash across his throat. The Mercs driver who caused the accident was trapped in his Mercs and the firemen had to saw open his Mercs to get him out. Next, it was KC's mother-in-law whose wake I attended. Then it was Nice's friend who got flung out of the back seat of the car she was in. The driver and the front seat passenger only suffered minor injuries though.

It was Nice's friend's death that made me FEEL the frailty of life. That humans' lives can be snuffed out so easily. Although Mimi'd told me that the accident she witnessed brought that point home to her, I didn't really understand/feel what she said till Nice started talking about her friend. The friend had an illustrious life: chairman of so and so club and great results. Alas, death decided to claim her too soon. What a waste and pity of a promising future!

4th Aunt said: "是她的命" because only she died but the other 2 in the car survived. Was wondering in the case of Mandy's brother's friend where he swam out to save someone and gave up his life in the process, is it also 他的命?

Ster said that precisely because life is so vulnerable, she will not let go of any opportunity. But how many of us are/can really be like Ster? For many, it's a wait for calmer seas before we dare swim out to the sea. And before we know it, the greater waves of death have claimed us and our lives are over. If I die today, I shall regret all the things that I've always wanted to do but haven't found the courage to embrace; I shall regret the times I was mean to the people I love.

Christopher Pike has said in 1 of his books: "Death is not the end. It is only a transformation." Maybe it means that I'll be transformed into a soul from my human form. The essence still lingers then. I don't know. Don't know what I'll be transformed into but I hope it'll make me a better person in my next carnation.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Scent And Smell

I remember Elan saying this to me before when we were still 2 wee giggling lasses: "Every place has a smell." She is right. Every human has a smell too. That's how dogs recognise places and humans.

I remember a certain smell whenever I stepped into Godma's house when I was a kid. Now that I'm grown up, my sense of smell is not so remarkable as it used to be and I've to concentrate to be aware of that smell again when I step into Godma's place. But the smell is still there. When I was in HHP and when I first came to CLL, I remember smelling the different scents of these offices.

When I started working in CLL and sat in with AD for interviews, I'd smell this AD smell. It's not unpleasant. Now, whenever I smell that smell outside, I'd be reminded of the times I sat beside AD for interviews. It brings back a sense of familarity.

Nice scents make me happy. When someone puts on a nice, sweet-smelling perfume, I can go sniffing up/at that person like a dog. I'd like people to associate me with Éclat D'Arpège from Lanvin because out of all the perfumes I tried, I still like Éclat D'Arpège the best.

Bondage

Since ape men appeared, they've learnt to hunt, to tame, to cage beasts. As time passed, they dominated their own kind and enslaved them. Such barbaric acts are now condemned by hopefully, a more civilised modern world. We only "cage" or jail people when they've done wrong. There's also the sado-machism bondage where chains and whips and violence are used for a twisted pleasure.

There's another kind of bondage called emotional bondage. This kind of invisible ropes that bind you are as powerful as any other physical types of bondage.

I've tried to get rid of some ghosts of the past but they haunt me. I wonder if and when I'll be able to sever those damned ties.

I was helpless to the admiration/infatuation I had for Lee Young Ae earlier on. I'd wished that I could get rid of the senseless infatuation because I absolutely hate losing control of myself. But now, I can laugh at myself for succumbing to unrequited love.

Bondage can be voluntary or mandatory. I'm bound to my parents. Bound by obligation. Bound by a sense of filial peity. Bound by a responsibility to take care of them when they are old. Bound (unwillingly) by a calling to please them at the expense of what I stood for.

Although most of the time, bondage is equated to control, it may not be the case all the time. People may suffer under an invader/occupier/oppressive regime but their hearts that yearn for the priceless ideals of freedom and independence will never be captured.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Living, Leaving, Dying, Parting (生离死别) III

How apt that my last entry was about tears! On Sat-3/6, my eyes were swollen and puffy. I'd cried.

Fri-2/6 was my last day at work. I'd started the day smiling and ended it crying. Reminds me of the verse that goes: "When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was laughing. Live your life such that when you leave this world, you're smiling and everyone else is crying." I didn't feel sad in the morning as I hugged KC, didn't feel sad throughout the day. It was only when I was bidding everyone goodbye at the end of the day that a tinge of melancholy crept into my heart.

I had started off my farewell by going to DT to hug her. Told her "我会很想你." She'd said: "我也会想你." As we talked, I felt tears coming to my eyes and managed to blink them away. We talked for a while. Then I left to find Ms C.

Ms C was cute. I told her my heart's going to break. I did not know if my heart was going to break then but I knew I certainly had a heartache when Von left and I was crying on Sun. Ms C asked why (my heart was going to break). I said that CLL holds 1 year of my memories. Ms C said don't say that, if not she'll cry. It's her first job at CLL too and she's been here for 15 years. Ms C had kind words for me and said that I'll be having better prospects in future. Ms C is cute because even though she'd worked at CLL for so long, she wasn't leaving, yet she said she'll cry. Haha.

I moved on to AKN and CP. I was bias towards AKN. On the evening of my last third day, Wed-31/5, Cat passed me a CSL's file for quantification. I took the file in shock because I wasn't confident that I'd be able to finish up that file and pass it back before I leave. By Thur-1/6 noon, when AKN asked me do as many interviews as I can before I leave, I knew that CSL's file was going for a six. I passed back CSL's file and started fixing AKN's interviews for my last day. I told AD as I was making the calls on Thur that "I'm damn bias". AD agreed. Anyway, when I went to see AKN on my last day, AKN said that "it's PR" when we talked about my biasness (towards her). AKN and CP are the better lawyers in CLL. At least they (make the effort to) talk to the staff. CP was nagging at me (in a good way) to "get a guy" in Uni. Haha.

Finally, I went to put my glass in the pail as I prepared to leave. I'd also wanted say goodbye one last time to KC. When I came out of the pantry, I saw that KC's computer was already switched off. She was ready to leave. She saw me and put out her arms. So I went over to hug her. If I could have my way, I won't let go. I thought of what 4th Aunt said about me when I was still 2 or 3 and we were living together at ah1 ma4's. When 4th Aunt had to go to work, I'd cry. Honestly, I cannot remember but there's this image of me when I was a kid, wailing and struggling against ah1 ma4's grip when Mum had to leave for work. Ah1 ma4 had to pull me back or I'd have run to Mum and clung onto her. That was what I thought about as I hugged KC. KC felt like 4th aunt. Since I didn't want to let go, it goes that KC was the first one to pull away. Still, I didn't cry then. Yet, as KC talked, I could feel the heat rushing up my face. Tried to blink them back. Turned away so that I'd lose focus and get rid of those damnned tears. Then I turned back to KC and my first tear fell from my right eye. I'll never forget that moment. Had I not turned back to look at KC, I wouldn't have cried. But I know I either cry then or regret and cry at my grave later. I can't leave without one last look. Sentimentality, yes. But feelings are what make us real, make us human.

KC had told me 2 or 3 weeks ago when I leave not to cry, that holding the tears in my eyes like in the Korean dramas without letting the tears fall would suffice. When KC had told me not to cry when I leave, I'd looked at her and wondered if I was going to cry when the time comes for me to leave. Then, I'd only replied with: "I'll try (not to cry)."

That first tear opened the floodgates. This time, I didn't cry so hard as I did when V left. But I still cried for another day before I was forced to stop. After KC left, I went back to my place tie up some loose ends. Halfway through work, I thought of KC again. As I stared at the computer screen my tears fell. I let them drip onto my jeans. This time, with experience, I was able to force myself to focus on the work in front of me and save the crying for later. When I finally could leave, I took one last walk round the office. I don't know why but as I passed by KC's place, I paused and it brought tears to my eyes. KC was gone. It was just an empty place. Yet as I stood in front of her place as I'd done so countless times before, that PLACE made me cry. I don't know why a PLACE can make me cry. Maybe because I know that I'd never stand at her place and talk to her the way I used to again.

On the bus ride home after dinner, I'd put down my head to rest and when I thought of KC, tears rolled down my face. I was lucky that the guy sitting opposite me was sleeping himself.

That night, as like the night Von left me, I cried myself to sleep. Non-stop crying was no longer a stranger to me. Yet, it was strange that KC'd made me cry. Unexpected. AD'd said: "I guess you must really like her." Like or love, whatever demon it is, until I cried, I didn't realise how much KC meant to me. When I woke up on Sat, I thought of KC. Lying there in bed, I cried as I buried my face in the pillow. Silent tears.

I'd saved KC's card to read when I was home. Didn't want to read on the bus because I knew I could very well cry on the bus. When I finally read the card, true to predictions, I cried. So I cried for the whole of Sat. Crying is VERY tiring. During one of the times that I was crying, I finally understood why I was crying. I didn't the previous times that I kept crying. All I knew was that tears were falling from my eyes and I didn't know why. It finally dawned on me that I was touched. Such a simple yet profound truth. KC still makes me miss her even though it's been a few days since I left (her). I didn't miss Von for so many days. Maybe because I was busy when Von left then. Or maybe because I've spent a half more year with KC.

I realise that when people have to leave/part whether for another place or when they die, they almost ALWAYS try to make amends and leave on a good note. It is ridiculously funny that they don't appreciate each other and try to mend those relationships before parting. Why wait till parting to be nice to each other? Isn't it better to kiss and make up after a quarrel/disagreement and then have an amiable relationship from then until parting instead of making up only at parting and leaving with a lukewarm relationship?

My feelings with DT go deeper, like that of a mother, like how I'd feel towards Mum. I wouldn't appreciate Mum/show my feelings openly now; but when she dies, I'll cry my bloody heart out. With AD, it's more of a mentor, more of love and respect. With KC and Von, they are more like my aunties. There's love/like and more sentiment with relatives. It's funny how you'd show yourself openly to your relatives and friends yet you hide the deeper feelings that you have for your family.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Tears

Tears are precious. I believe so. When I was younger, I seldom, if ever, cried. When I watched a touching show, I'd hold back my tears. I reached a point where I'd be very touched and tear but I will not let the first tear drop.

When ah1 ma3 was warded in Sec 3, I remember the struggle I had holding back my tears. Those tears burned my eyes as I desperately tried to hold them back. They didn't fall.

Korean shows are such weepies and tear-jerkers. A typical Korean show (excluding horror genre) has its actors crying countless times before the show ends. Korean shows are too lavish in dishing out the tears. Tears are precious. What a waste of tears.

When I lost the IVP in 2005, I was so disappointed that two tears fell from my eyes. But when Von left, something went wrong with my tear glands. I couldn't control my tears.

Doris's friend's son's now brain-dead and in a coma. But when the son's father visited the son, the son teared. How? How is it possible for someone who's brain-dead to still be able to know your loved ones are around and cry? Logically speaking, it is impossible. That's why I think tears are precious and shouldn't be expensed so freely. We should only cry when experiencing intense extreme emotions. Though actors and some others have the ability to cry like turning on a tap. And when you say "Stop", you can hear the clink of metal as the tap is turned off. And the tears will stop.

There are also those who shed crocodile tears. Selfish, hypocritical, obnoxious people are the scum of the earth. Those two-faced creatures will be judged by their actions one day.

Elan said that when her grandma died, her other grandma was practically wailing like in a wayang. She felt it was too showy as opposed to the unshed tears of her Dad and uncle. Though her Dad and uncle didn't cry, she could sense their sorrow.

The point I'm trying to make is that tears are precious and should not be shed so easily (save for actors).

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Kindness, Selflessness And Selfishness

Although I don't admire Lee Young Ae for her looks anymore, she still impresses me as someone who's a cut above others in limelight. Excluding the fact that not many Koreans or Japanese can speak fluent English and Lee Young Ae can speak fluent English, it is her kindness and honesty to self that I admire. Apparently, she's a UNICEF ambassador. In her autobiography <<最特别的爱>>, the photo of her washing a child who seemed to have not washed himself for months in this poor place she volunteered left a mark on me.

I've always believed that humans are born good. That the basest nature of humans is good, not evil. I used to be very kind. At least kinder than I am now. As the years went by, I changed. The harsh reality of life set in. I was still filled with idealism a couple of years back. Now, hearing Lee Young Ae volunteering in poverty-stricken places fill me with shame. It's rare to see prominent personalities volunteering. The other person I know of is Hillary Clinton who was truly concerned with women's rights. She also went to Third World places. Another was Princess Diana. Of course, all these volunteering or visits to worse off places could have been publicity stunts to market the celebrities. I prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Today, Doris said that it's hard to find good doctors who are kind these days. In ancient times, Chinese physicians could tell poor patients "You don't have to pay a single cent" because the physicians plucked the herbs from the forests and used them as medicine. Now, even if the doctor tells you he'll waive the consultation charges, you still have to pay for the medicine. AD said that there are still good doctors who are kind and that it's a modern tragedy that everywhere you go, it's "dollars and cents".

Selfishness is a disease. For the entire 3 years of my Poly life, I despised Yusof. Although I believe that humans are inherently good, he must have been born on the wrong side of the bed. His selfishness is appalling. Although I lost to him in the end, I'm glad that I'm not like him. I still have certain morals and ethics. Selfishness is part of human nature. Or some bad habit we pick up along the way. Selfishness arises because of insecurity but I despise people who bring selfishness to extreme extent. I despised Yusof, still despised him and will continue to do so.

I think I admire very kind people because I know I'm not like them and maybe never will be. It is people like Mother Theresa that put me to shame.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Love (Afar And Near)

I've gotten over Lee Young Ae. I'm glad my head is still on my shoulders because I felt so foolish admiring someone for her good looks. Senseless to be infatuated with someone you can never have/get to know. I don't know which is worse:

1) To fall in love with someone eg. crush from afar and know there's no possibility of you knowing him/her or have your affection reciprocated, or

2) To fall in love with someone who is right before your eyes in damning circumstances which do not permit you both together eg. both are already engaged/married, the relationship would be frowned upon and deemed incest or inappropriate or otherwise by society.

Both are pathetic scenarios with a tinge of beautiful sadness. Love itself is, afterall beautiful. But to draw a boundary around love which needs air to breathe is tragic. Beautifully tragic. Because you fall in love with a love that doesn't belong to you.

Respect To Self And Reputation To Family

I was recently better acquainted with this topic as a result of Dae Jang Geum. In that show, we saw initially Lady Choi's reluctance to cause the death of her friend, Min Young (Jang Geum's Mum). But Lady Choi came from a family which had held the position of Top Lady for 5 generations. She, against her will, eventually turned the other way to uphold the honour to self and family. We saw too how Choi Geum Young also went through the same predicament of choosing the same path.

When I watched Dae Jang Geum, I didn't think much about how important it was to Lady Choi to maintain that reputation of her family. I just thought she was damn evil, evil to the core. Only when I came across other information about Korean culture did I realise that what I'd so easily dismissed was actually highly valued in Koeran (and I think also Japanese) society. Reminds me of the archaic times of the Chinese emperors where females who are raped would commit suicide because their chastity had been tainted. There's a common thread through the Chinese females committing suicide or Lady Choi/Choi Geum Young scheming and plotting against Jang Geum or modern Koreans studying impossibly hard (Sleep four hours and fail. Sleep three hours and pass.) to secure a place in a (good) university. It's all for respect from others to self and family.

Traditions have eroded over time for better and for worse. Maybe I'll lament the Gen Y of today for taking issues like pre-marital sex, drug consumption lightly. But one has to live with the times. I'm still glad I'm not bound by an extremely rigid code of honour where it's family first, self second. I'm glad my family won't force me to be with someone I don't feel for (I'm watching too much of Korean shows) or force me to study because it'll bring honour to the family. Rather, I'm forced to study hard and do well because paper qualifications are of paramount importance in order to secure a good pay/job in our society. Honour to family and self will come as a result of doing well. Honour will come later. It takes second place compared to getting a good pay/job.

It is when I see communities like the Korean society where the reputation of a family is more important than the feelings of the individual that I am reminded of what Elan said: "Filial Piety which a highly prized confucius ideal had long since evolved from being an admirable sentiment, to a form of emotional blackmail, an act of love to an act of obligation. It is even an act perpetuated by law." Filial piety is pure and natural because you are grateful to your parents. It should not be demanded because the expectation of something in return causes the original pristine love to be twisted/perverted.

Depression

I've experienced depression before but not acutely like the clinical type where one engages in self-inflicted pain.

At the end of Year 3 Sem 1, when revision week for exams started, I fell into what I call the "cesspit of depression". For the first two days of revision week, I couldn't do anything. Literally. I revised but nothing sank in. I'm really lucky to have Elan as my friend. After having a good talk with she who had also been through this crisis, I felt much better. THEN and only then, my revision started.

I've been depressed before but that kind of numbing depression that paralyses you and leave you helpless was a first for me. It was terrible. I was no better than a useless person good for nothing save to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide. Anyway, I wish I never have to hold hands with depression again. It is depressing to be depressed. Depression, like other states of mind, will become part of one if held on too long.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Reel And Real Life

Someone told me that what happens in reel life happens in real life. Maybe MOST, not ALL of what took place in the movies do happen in reality.

If not for the fact that it was announced that "All In" was based on a true story, I'd have dismissed the story to the realm of make-believe. In fact, what happened in real life was even more dramatic than reel life. Mr Cha Min-su went to Las Vegas with only 18 bucks and became a millionaire. Incredible.

Many shows, especially Korean shows, tell of lovers being forced to love someone they don't love because their true love came too late. Later than the one that's available for them at the moment (who happens to be someone who can't create the sparks in their heart). Then they are forced to agree to marry the ones they don't love because they can't let down/owe the ones they don't love. Between finding true love and finally being with their true love is the agony of staying on with the ones they don't love for the sake of staying on. It's silly. As the Korean shows would say "要承受多大的煎熬".

Mrs Tay said that when she and her first boyfriend were dating and they knew that they were not compatible in thoughts neither party wanted to break up even though they knew they should. So they carried on the relationship for another half a year or so-painfully. Ster finds it incredulous and said: "Since it's a full stop, why drag the full stop and make the full stop so ugly?" Essentially, Ster feels that a full stop is a full stop. 长痛不如短痛. There's no point in insistence on the impossible. The result will only be excruciating exhaustion on both ends.

Anyway, the thing is, reel life can happen in real life and vice-versa. I wonder why people adamantly hang on to hopeless relationships/situations with conclusions long foregone. To attain happiness, one needs to make a clean break from the mess that's dragging him or her down. Perhaps it's easier said than done.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Well-intended Meddling

I did not realise that my well-intended advice to Elan was meddling until recently.

Yes, no one can understand the interactions between someone and his family. Because every family is different. But yes, I've gone through years of emotional sparring (with self and family) so it doesn't necessary mean that I don't understand what you are going through.

When Ster tried to be what I tried to be to Elan: a well-meaning person, I recalled what Elan said and I finally understood Elan's words: "World, for once and for all I'd like to tell you that it is immature of you to butt into another person's private affairs with unasked-for advice. Secondly, it is unspeakably naive to think that just by a few cliche, ill-timed advice can you actually attempt to change the existing situation. Familial interactions has a great effect on our emotions and is one of the most complex territories in the human world."

Of course I felt that before. But I didn't know I know it. The fact that the world can never fully (or even partially) understand the actual situation only struck me recently when I read Elan's blog and was put in the exact situation that Elan was in.

Yes, no outsider can truly understand a family and its interactions. I, too like Elan, do not appreciate it when well-meaning meddlers try to give me advice. They do not understand a speck of the inner conflicts, the struggles between the parties, not having seen those wars. It feels like they are imposing themselves on me and instead of achieving the effect they want, they end up making me more rankled than ever. Sometimes I'd rather they leave me/us alone. 解铃还需系铃人. Sometimes, it's easier and better for the parties to work things out themselves.

Other times, intervention may be and/or is necessary. Recently, the police have become guardians of children with their taking down of the names of teens who are still out after 11pm and notifying the parents what their children have been up to. I do not support or denounce this. Basically, I'm a fence-sitter on this. But I do think that intervention could help parties at times, but not all the time.

Wine-bottle Opening

Wine-bottle opening is a skill. Maybe I don't have enough strength. Maybe I didn't have enough skill. Whatever it is, I still have a hard time opening wine bottles. Fri-31/3, worked up a sweat trying to pull the bloody cork out of the bottle. In the end, I asked for help. My arm's still aching now.

While straining against the bottle, I recalled this story of a man trying to move a huge rock. He pushed against it every day but it didn't move. Finally, one day, the man complained to God about that and God told the man to look at his arms. They'd grown muscular from the effort of pushing the rock. God was trying to say that obstacles are put in place for us to push against and overcome and become stronger.

What did I learn?
1) Not all obstacles can be overcome.
2) Some obstacles cannot be overcome by yourself. There are times when we have to ask for help.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Wishes

In my next life, I want to be an aristocrat. Everyday, I'll discuss music, wine, literature, philosophy, society and government with other fellow academics and scholars. I want to be so powerful/influential that politicians are kept on their toes and can't help but to fulfil their duty to the citizens in the best way they can.

If I'm born into a Western family, I shall be famous at fencing. If I'm born in the East, I shall be a great martial artist. I aspire to be great at martial arts because my martial arts life this life is (nearly) over. I'll still be a daredevil and challenge boundaries. I want to rob the rich and give to the poor. I want to be a king and a pauper. To know how both feel. I want to throw lots of parties and also retreat to the mountains/a private island/sail out to the vast ocean when I am in the mood.

If I can, I'd like to be a vampire. To have superhuman strength and abilities. Cool.

Do birthday wishes come true? For the past 2 years, I've been wishing for the same thing. I wish and I wish and I wished. But reality and wishes run opposite to each other. Some forces are just beyond your control no matter how hard you wish.

Heroes

First of, there are tragic heroes like Brutus and Macbeth. Honourable people with only one flaw that cause their downfall.

Then there are other humans we idolise as heroes. I can dwell on this a bit more as I'm currently succumbing to the aftereffects of Dae Jang Geum.

It's been eons since I last idolised someone. Haha. I grew up without having any favourite cartoon character (no heroes). It was only during my turbulent adolescent years when my hormones had a mind of their own that I started having idols/crushes. Naturally, I fell head-over-heels over them. Eventually, I managed to recapture some semblance of sanity and get my wandering heart back. After my last real crush, it seemed to be the end of a crushing phase for me, or so I thought. Nonetheless, my heart still stirred when I watched Lee Young Ae in Dae Jang Geum. Well, it's just a fool's moment of infatuation so I'm not too bothered by it but will be absorbed in it while it lasts. Anyway, I don't think this time, it can be considered a crush/idolising. I notice a shift in my thinking. While in the past I was fascinated by superficial information about my crushes such as their biography-birthday, likes, dislikes, hobbies which practically everyone else knows about, this time I am more curious about Lee Young Ae as an individual such as her thoughts/views on life/issues. I begin to go beyond the good looks and seek out the person within.

There are also real life heroes who sacrifice their lives to save others eg. Mandy's friend's brother, a lifeguard at sea who tried to save a drowning person. Although he managed to do so, he did not have the strength to swim back to shore and was pulled away by the currents.

I've never really had a TRUE hero to look up to, to respect and emulate although I've idolised before and I respect my mentors. But how I feel towards my mentors is different from how I think I should feel if (an unconditional if) and when I have a hero. I think I'm seeking what Elan is seeking: A figure who inspires, whose values you can fall back on when you are at crossroads or roadblocks. A role model.

Fear

I can only talk of fear in terms I can associate with. There are the different kinds of fear. There are the "-phobias". If you watch Fear Factor, you know that fear is not a factor. There is fear when you realise a mistake you make could have dastardly consequences. There is fear from parents/authorities. And there is of course fear from death if I point a gun at you. Many of our fears are irrational.

It is the fear from failure that propels me. Fear that if I fail, the world will become cold and empty. Ms Ng said before that it's good to have a healthy sense of fear so you won't be too complacent. Sometimes though, this fear takes on a life of its own and paralyses you.

Fear can be overcome with confidence. But I still quake when I go into the ring. I freeze up and I underperform. We fear that we don't do a good job when it's an important piece of work. When everything goes on too smoothly for you, won't you fear too?

I don't know about the "healthy sense of fear". I only know that it is fear: fear from setback, fear from disappointment, fear from losing that I thrive in.

Love (+Hurt), Hate II

"All is fair in love and war". Yes, love can and will come to everyone who opens up his heart regardless of his social status, aptitudes or beliefs. Love can last through all times. Sometimes, you meet people you barely know but you feel so much love for them (and vice versa) that you are sure this love can never be from this life but has survived through the carnations. If it goes that love can pass through the times, hate too will not be killed so easily.

The most incredible form of love is indescribable love. You love till you hurt. You feel so much love that it feels as though the love is going to kill you. So great is this love that it can overcome all obstacles. Love and hate share this unknown power. The difference is in the hurt that love and hate bring. To love until you hurt-the hurt is sweet. Conversely, when you hate, the hate will gnaw at you and the hurt in you is bitter.

If love is fire, hate is ice. Both burn.

Attention

Everyone needs attention. Lots of it. Without attention, one becomes cold. Aren't there marriages that fail because couples don't give enough attention to each other and to the marriage? When I don't give you attention, I am cold to you, our relationship will also become cold. If I give you lots of attention, you feel good because I care for you. Everyone likes to be loved.

We all seek attention because we need it. All that bid for the so-called success is all for recognition aka attention. We all crave attention, be it from our friends, family or the world out there. No attention equates to no love which we try desperately to avoid. And so, we do all kinds of things-good, evil, weird-to ultimately get the attention we want. We give more attention to get more attention although the same cannot be said of fans chasing after idols because idols don't give two hoots about their fans as individuals.

I know for a fact that what delinquents seek is actually attention. They turn bad because the world doesn't understand them or give them attention. So they seek attention from bad company. Were they given more attention, they wouldn't be delinquents. It's sad that people don't give attention that's needed and give unwanted attention instead.

Competition

I live in a competitive society. Since young, I've always been competing. I compete with my cousins; I compete with classmates; I compete with best friends. I compete until I lose myself. I wonder what my life is worth: Is it the value of competition?

Of course competition is the impetus for change and advancement. But it is a fact that in that competition people sacrifice the immaterial for the material and lose themselves.

In the ring, there's always a winner and a loser. It is so in every competition. I feel good competing in something that I'm adept at. When I deliver results, I feel great. But isn't my happiness at triumphing over others built on the disappointment and tears of those who lost to me?

We always compete to be the best. Most of the time, we compete with others. We should compete with ourselves.

I'm somewhat tired of competing with others all the time. There's a fear that I'm worse/lousier than my opponents. I feel that I can go further, be much more if I only compete with myself. Ironically, it is the external competition that we look up to as a source of achieving a higher quality of life that is inhibiting my growth.

Reality And Fallacy

What is real and what's not? Looking at the kitchen clock which batteries are weak hence making the clock slower, I was lulled into a false sense of belief that it's still 7.15pm when it should be 7.30pm.

The Matrix trilogy was excellent in bringing across this point of "The Real" vs "The Really?". How do we know what you see is real because all is not what it seems (you cannot see love but you can feel it and you know it's there in your heart), looks can deceive. Even the heart can lie. How do we know that we are not inside some computer program like The Matrix, that we are only experiencing what we'd like to experience, what we THINK we are experiencing which is actually what someone or something else has programmed for us to feel?

Let's swop the Agents in The Matrix for God. God (Agents) is the one that created and planned us in this big play called Life (The Matrix). How can we be sure that we are experiencing what we ARE experiencing and not what God planned for us to experience?

So many things that seem real are actually unreal. A flower that blooms fades into nothing and it seems as if the flower was never there. Love seems real too until the one you love dies.

I've never had a dream in which I know that I'm dreaming although some people know they are in a dream when dreaming. No matter how ludicrous the dream is, my sense of reality will only hint at something that seems amiss but dismiss that struggle between the real and fantasy. Hence every dream I have feels so real. How then, do we differentiate between reality and dream if you feel that the dream is real?